Torn between two men and miserable

[BetrayedH]

My wife's affair and subsequent decision not to fix what she broke but to divorce resulted in my kids losing each parent half the time. Plus I got to have the joy of explaining to my crying kids how the divorce wasn't their fault, how it was neither parent's fault, and that marriage is apparently disposable when you're not "happy." I just love lying to my kids to teach them such a lesson. thanks honey. You should try losing your kids half the time and then still do everything you can not to explain that mommy broke the family so she could have sex with new boyfriends. Then go spend a few thousand dollars furnishing a little two bedroom apartment while trying to make it all seem normal and ok for them. I have a feeling your thoughts about your spouse's parenting skills might change. Of course, we haven't even mentioned the countless days where I both dropped them off at school and picked them up and made dinner and did their homework with them in hopes that mommy might make it home from her long "workday." Or the $3000 of our marital funds spent on hotels.

 

Just taking the risk of this happening to our kids was a piss-poor decision and piss-poor parenting. Is she a bad mother for doing it? Hells to the yeah. And I couldn't care less how sensitive women are to the idea either. Want to be a good parent? Let's start with showing them what keeping a commitment looks like instead of tossing daddy in the trash can. I can't imagine losing my kids altogether because mommy wants a "man" that lives with his parents. As if anyone is remotely thinking about the kids. How about we stick to the agreement we had about raising the kids which was, you know, married and faithful together in the same household?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Wait. There is too much in this story that I seem unable to grasp.

 

You started the affair in February? And 3 months later, you confessed and your husband was INSTANTLY able to change his job and return home to be with you and your children?

 

So that happened about 3 months ago, right?

 

And in that three months, you and your husband moved far away? Except, you wrote:

 

I only live so far away because of my husbands job which has taken us to another part of the world for the last 8 years.

 

Which adds to my confusion, because I thought that your husband's job took him away FROM you, not that you had gone WITH him. Clarify, please?

 

So WHEN was this 3 month window where you were able to manage to have a serious affair … with a guy who lives with his parents?

 

AND,

 

His family and my family are completely aware of the situation and are pushing for everything to work out between us.

 

Are you talking about the kid's family, or your husband's family? Everybody wants your affair to work out, or your marriage?

 

Why is everybody so aware of everything, anyway? You seem more like you are conducting a one-sided open marriage than an affair - except that at some point your AP and you moved far apart (that piece of the story is just not working). So … it's more like you are having a fantasy and sharing it with your husband and your family and his family, and / or the young guy's family?

 

I'm too confused.

 

Even though there are big holes in your story, I will say this: a 3 month, long distance relationship with a 24 year old guy who has not been out on his own yet in life would not be anything to hang ones hat on - even a single woman.

[Steen719]

ducksoup, obviously I would be getting a place of my own for my children and myself. We would not be living with his parents. His family and my family are completely aware of the situation and are pushing for everything to work out between us. I only live so far away because of my husbands job which has taken us to another part of the world for the last 8 years. If I chose to leave my husband I would be moving back to the same area as my him. This would also allow me to be closer to family which I have been thousand of miles away from for so long.

 

Owl, I have read the "The Five Love Languages" a few years ago when I began feeling the distance. I guess its time to pull out the book again and re-read it. I appreciate all of your advice and thank you for your input.

 

You have gotten a lot of responses and there isn't much point in adding how I feel about infidelity (I am a Betrayed spouse), but there were a couple of things that I did want to bring up. I am assuming your family and the young man's family is who you are talking about, so I may have misinterpreted this.

 

 

• If your husband is a good father and your plan to have custody and take them 1000s of miles away, how can anyone - your family or the bf's - think this is a good idea. It is basically taking away the children's father and giving him very little chance to be a father to his kids.
  
• I have a son who will soon be 22, just 2 years younger than your boyfriend. If he was living at home and thinking about marrying another man's wife who would have custody of her three children, I cannot tell you how upset this would make me, even if despite her cheating, I believed she was a wonderful person. Too soon, too complicated, too costly and too chancy. I would eventually accept who he chose, but I would in no way be pushing for things to work out between the two of them, despite my son's insistence that he loved her and would be happy. You see, I am not young like you and especially him and most of us on here have lived lives that have let us know that the pain you cause your husband and children now will be with you and in all likelihood, this young man will eventually move on to start his own family. You will have changed the entire course of your family for a pipe dream.
  

If you really think this is what you want for your life, wait 6 months. See how you feel then. You move your kids away from their dad for a 3 month relationship with a young guy who will most likely be dust in the wind in short order is a lot to do to your children to satisfy your lust

.

I can tell you this. I don't think my 22 year son would touch this situation with a ten-foot pole. This tells me either this 24 year old has his head up his arse or he is blowing smoke up yours. You better think about this long and hard. If you let your husband go, there will be many women who would love to be with a loyal, trustworthy, hardworking man. Believe me, many, and then once you come to your senses, well, he would be gone.

[William]

Hello from your moderator. Stage Three. Make my day

[ThatJustHappened]

I am just looking for some opinions from others who have been in my situation before and can offer some advice that maybe I am not able to see. I have been married for the past 8 years and have to beautiful children with my husband. My husbands job requires extended amount of time away from his family so he is gone a good amount of time every year.

 

In February I met and began a relationship with a much younger man(7 years younger). This other man is not very independent and still lives at his parents house. He has no responsiblities except going to work and paying his car. He says he wants to live together and support me and my children but its hard for me to take it seriously when he has never had to deal with anything like this before. I have fallen madly in love with him even though I know its not right.

 

I came clean with my husband about everything going on 3 months into the affair and he was heartbroken but wanted to work it out. He returned home about 3 months ago and we have been living together as a "family" but I continue to remain in contact with the other man. He lives very far away from us so seeing him is not an option but I can't stop thinking about him and talking to him. I feel like I have found the man I am ment to be with and that my marriage is over but there is something holding me back from taking the kids and leaving. I feel like i am torn between the two men. If I try to make it work with my husband I know I could be happy but im not sure if I will ever feel the way I do about him that I do about my lover. If I leave my husband for my lover I am risking my security and stability in my life and my childrens lives.

 

Im just looking for any insight into the situation. I am human and do not want to be judged, this is the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with and I am looking for help not critisism. I really appreciate any responses.

 

There is no 'can't' in this case..there is only won't. You could stop talking to him if you wanted to. You are choosing not to. At least own up to that.

[Quiet Storm]

I feel like I have found the man I am ment to be with and that my marriage is over but there is something holding me back from taking the kids and leaving.

 

As a mother, I would take a bullet for my kids. I would guess that you would say that as well.

 

Doing everything you can to make this marriage work is your "bullet". This means stop communicating with him and stop allowing him to live rent free in your head.

 

Whichever dog you feed the most is going to get bigger. You are feeding your infatuation with this guy, instead of putting that energy towards your marriage and family. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it.

 

Exploding your kids lives for lust and romance is immature and foolish.