Torn between two men and miserable

[tornbetweentwo]

I am just looking for some opinions from others who have been in my situation before and can offer some advice that maybe I am not able to see. I have been married for the past 8 years and have to beautiful children with my husband. My husbands job requires extended amount of time away from his family so he is gone a good amount of time every year.

 

In February I met and began a relationship with a much younger man(7 years younger). This other man is not very independent and still lives at his parents house. He has no responsiblities except going to work and paying his car. He says he wants to live together and support me and my children but its hard for me to take it seriously when he has never had to deal with anything like this before. I have fallen madly in love with him even though I know its not right.

 

I came clean with my husband about everything going on 3 months into the affair and he was heartbroken but wanted to work it out. He returned home about 3 months ago and we have been living together as a "family" but I continue to remain in contact with the other man. He lives very far away from us so seeing him is not an option but I can't stop thinking about him and talking to him. I feel like I have found the man I am ment to be with and that my marriage is over but there is something holding me back from taking the kids and leaving. I feel like i am torn between the two men. If I try to make it work with my husband I know I could be happy but im not sure if I will ever feel the way I do about him that I do about my lover. If I leave my husband for my lover I am risking my security and stability in my life and my childrens lives.

 

Im just looking for any insight into the situation. I am human and do not want to be judged, this is the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with and I am looking for help not critisism. I really appreciate any responses.

[TaraMaiden]

One:

Cut off ALL contact with the younger lover.

Really.

Do it.

You're right - until he gets his act together, his vows of fidelity, support and constancy are just a pipe dream and a lot of hot air.

 

Two:

You have said yourself you know it's wrong - yet you still do it.,

This is because it's lively, exciting and dramatic. Anything to alleviate the boredom of long periods alone. This is so good for your ego, it's hard to let go.

You're not in love with this younger guy - you're in love with the way he makes you feel. You love to feel wanted, desired, important; but if this is all the guy is offering - hell, apart from the sex, a faithful dog will do the same...!

 

Three:

If you really love your husband, still have sex with him and are trying to rebuild - then focus.

Decide that this is really what you want.

Relationships take commitment and hard work.

If you were tempted to stray, you should have stopped it before the affair progressed, and you should have spoken to your H. about how you felt.

This is on your shoulders to remedy.

I would advise you to do that.

[96nole]

I am just looking for some opinions from others who have been in my situation before and can offer some advice that maybe I am not able to see. I have been married for the past 8 years and have to beautiful children with my husband. My husbands job requires extended amount of time away from his family so he is gone a good amount of time every year.

 

In February I met and began a relationship with a much younger man(7 years younger). This other man is not very independent and still lives at his parents house. He has no responsiblities except going to work and paying his car. He says he wants to live together and support me and my children but its hard for me to take it seriously when he has never had to deal with anything like this before. I have fallen madly in love with him even though I know its not right.

 

I came clean with my husband about everything going on 3 months into the affair and he was heartbroken but wanted to work it out. He returned home about 3 months ago and we have been living together as a "family" but I continue to remain in contact with the other man. He lives very far away from us so seeing him is not an option but I can't stop thinking about him and talking to him. I feel like I have found the man I am ment to be with and that my marriage is over but there is something holding me back from taking the kids and leaving. I feel like i am torn between the two men. If I try to make it work with my husband I know I could be happy but im not sure if I will ever feel the way I do about him that I do about my lover. If I leave my husband for my lover I am risking my security and stability in my life and my childrens lives.

 

Im just looking for any insight into the situation. I am human and do not want to be judged, this is the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with and I am looking for help not critisism. I really appreciate any responses.

 

The thing holding you back is called common sense. Dump the man-boy. He can't even take care of himself, how is he going to take care of you and your kids? His only responsibility is paying for his car and cleaning his bedroom.

 

Your husband wasn't around much because he was working to afford the security and stability in your life. Man-boy started showing you the attention you weren't getting from your absent husband. It's called the affair fog. If you were to leave your husband, you'll soon see that man-boy isn't that great. You'll find you would be raising your kids and man-boy.

 

You need to stop all contact with man-boy ASAP. Fix things with your husband. Consider yourself lucky your husband wants to work it out. Does he know you have still been in contact with man-boy for the past 3 months?

 

If one of your friends came to you with this situation, what would you tell them?

[tornbetweentwo]

96nole, thank you for your honest response. My husband is aware that I am still in contact with the other man. I know what the right thing to do is, I just don't know why I am struggling so much with cutting off contact. One minute im ready to do it and the next im second guessing my decision.

 

You made a valid point about if a friend came to me with this issue what would I do and honestly I would ask her what makes her happy. My husband and I have both talked about not wanting to live in a loveless marriage and although I love my husband, he is my best friend im not in love with him. I am not sexually attracted to him. Thanks for you honest insight, I really appreciate it!

[Sauron]

You have young children, you should have kept it to yourself in my opinion. Disclosure: I am married and have a lover on the side. My kids are grown though. Sounds like your younger man is never going to be able to support you and your kids like your used too. You had a good thing going but now you have to deal with throwing your family into chaos. You will get lots of people coming in to tell you that you did the right thing, but I would disagree. Good luck to you.

[tornbetweentwo]

Torn, sex of course plays a role in the situation. My husband and I have not had the best sex life. I am a very sexual person and he is not. He is ackward and not comfortable in the bedroom which makes the entire situation uncomfortable. We have not had that connection for a long time and wonder if we could ever get that back. It is completely opposite with the other guy, he is a very sexual person who is confident in everything he does. My husband on the other hand is not a confident person and seems to let people walk all over him. He cannot stand up to anyone and thats one character flaw he has that drives me nuts

 

Over the past few months he has been working like crazy, saving his money and looking for places to live. Its not about the financial stability because I know that we will be ok with money. He is 24 years old, he still lives at home because he has been saving money and going to school.

 

I guess my concern is that I have such intense feelings for this other man and I wonder if I could ever feel that way towards my husband? My husband thinks that if I stop all contact with the other guy that I will fall madly back in love with him but I dont see that happening, I see me wondering what if?

[96nole]

How long do you think a 24 year old is going to stick around and raise someone else's kids? You've told him you're not happy. You've told him that sex with him is better than with your husband (I'm assuming). Right now he thinks he's the knight in shinning armor that's going to save you. You're thinking that way also.

 

However, he is not moving out of his parents house in with a long time girlfriend. He'll be moving in with someone he's only known partly for 7 months. He'll be moving in with somebody else's kids. That's a whole lot of responsibility to take on in one step. I think he'll find it's not that much fun. He could leave at anytime. Where will that leave you?

 

Do his parents know about you and his plans of hoping to move in with you? I can't imagine they would be supportive of it. They'll probably constantly be in his ear about finding someone else and starting his own family.

[Owl]

Go to your library or book store, and pick up a copy of "The Five Love Languages", by Chapman.

 

Read chapter #3...it talks about the different "types" or "stages" of love.

 

You sound like you're expecting to remain in that "madly in love" phase of a relationship...which isn't normal.

 

The relationship that flourishes is the one that you put the most effort into. It sounds to me like you (and your H, potentially) stopped putting effort into your marriage long ago. If you both decide to put effort into it...it can improve greatly.

 

Will you feel that "mad in love feelings" again for your H? Probably not...with any luck at all, your love will deepen and actually move onto the next 'stage'. If you're insistent that the only "true love" is that feeling of limerance you have in the early stages of a relationship...you're going to flit from one relationship to the next as those feelings wax and wane between men.

 

I say pick one of the two men in your life. I don't care which. But pick one, and remove the other one from your life completely to allow you to focus totally on the one that you DID choose.

[Steadfast]

Torn, sex of course plays a role in the situation. My husband and I have not had the best sex life. I am a very sexual person and he is not. He is ackward and not comfortable in the bedroom which makes the entire situation uncomfortable. We have not had that connection for a long time and wonder if we could ever get that back. It is completely opposite with the other guy, he is a very sexual person who is confident in everything he does. My husband on the other hand is not a confident person and seems to let people walk all over him. He cannot stand up to anyone and thats one character flaw he has that drives me nuts

 

Stick a fork in it. You're done. Really. No 'judgement'.

 

Naturally, you be forced to overlook nasty realities like 'if they cheat with you they'll cheat on you' and other unsavory truths, but it really doesn't matter at this point. Your husband is reacting out of fear; fear of losing his wife and family, fear of losing all the things he's worked for. He's in survival mode but that won't last forever. Soon, for him, anger will come.

 

You think you know what your husband is feeling, but you don't. You say that you know right from wrong OP but knowing it isn't enough. The truth? What you want is more important that your desire to do what's right. So far, you've done little of the latter and have probably ruined your marriage for good.

 

This is key for you, moving forward. Stop thinking how your actions and decisions will affect you and step back to consider how they'll effect everyone. For those who have married and become parents, this is critical.

 

Divorce your husband and allow him to find the loving woman he deserves. One that can embrace his 'clumsiness' and other faults. It's easy to be confident and sexy when you don't have any responsibilities. I predict your boy toy will be exposed when the weight fully settles in. The same weight your husband handled...despite having a wife who looked elsewhere for her sexual satisfaction. What goes around comes around OP. Know that.

 

This is why I'm not advising you on restoring attraction. That's the tip of the iceberg; dependent on many other foundational emotions. Like respect.

 

As for judgement, only God can judge. Until then, you'll always be faced with the choice of exercising good judgement...or not. Instead of reacting to people's reaction, stop to consider why the negative reaction exists. Usually it's a reaction towards you hurting people. People (like your husband) who had no say or no choice in what he's forced to deal with.

[tornbetweentwo]

ducksoup, obviously I would be getting a place of my own for my children and myself. We would not be living with his parents. His family and my family are completely aware of the situation and are pushing for everything to work out between us. I only live so far away because of my husbands job which has taken us to another part of the world for the last 8 years. If I chose to leave my husband I would be moving back to the same area as my him. This would also allow me to be closer to family which I have been thousand of miles away from for so long.

 

Owl, I have read the "The Five Love Languages" a few years ago when I began feeling the distance. I guess its time to pull out the book again and re-read it. I appreciate all of your advice and thank you for your input.

Edited September 21, 2012 by tornbetweentwo

[tornbetweentwo]

Steadfast, thank you for being so honest. I really appreciate your post. You have made some valid points, I know that I have not appreciated my husband like I should, he does deserve someone who will 100% apprecaite everything he does. You are absolutely right about everything you posted. I have not stopped to consider how this is affecting everyone else involved. I have been focused on me and my happiness and did not see the bigger picture.

 

This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I really appreciate the advice. Thank you again!

[William]

Note from moderation: Two duplicate threads have been merged into the most appropriate forum. I suggest a re-read of the thread for full content. On-topic and civil and respectful comments/questions are welcomed. Carry on.

[underwater2010]

This may be a little judgemental but please bear with me. You cannot have your cake and eat it to. What you are doing to your husband is horrible. He already is devistated with the knowledge that you were cheating. And cheating with a child that has nothing to offer you except "love". You have no idea how the other boy will deal with having to support the kids and you. Where are you going to live, in his parents house.

 

I would be you money that if your husband were to find out you are still involved with the boy, he would leave you. Get your head on straight and get rid of the other boy. Then you need to come clean with your husband. I pray for your sake that he is willing to forgive you. If not for you, then your children.

 

Now I send you hug and a get it together.

[BetrayedH]

Affairs are powerful stuff. Many times even the chemical reactions in the brain are compared to those of someone on drugs. Makes you do stuff you would never would do otherwise. But you must realize that it's just a fantasy. You have no shared responsbilities and you only show each other your best side. No kids together, no bills, no appointments, just honeymoon-like sex replete with hotel rooms and champagne. Nice fantasy world.

 

Then you have a real husband who has actually been there for you and has even stayed with you thru better and worse.

 

Rest assured that the fantasy bubble will burst and that the patterns that lead you to boredom in one relationship will repeat in the next until you learn to change the pattern. Marriages are difficult and have struggles. It's normal. You can either fix it or leave. There are a myriad of ways to fix a marriage and yes, to restore intimacy. It takes effort. Or you can take the easy path, learn nothing about how to keep a relationship solid, and repeat the pattern with the next guy.

 

The chemical rush is going to wane. The question is whether or not you will have fully destroyed your family in the interim. You have dropped one nuke on your family already. Your poor husband is wandering around picking up the pieces and you sit in judgment of him being a pushover. Now you're ready to drop another and don't want to be judged?

 

And why do you feel you have any right to take the children? You want to escape from the commitments you made and go chase some fantasy? Fine. Leave the children with their devoted father and pay him child support.

 

Or you can freakin' grow up and rebuild the marriage you devastated with your selfish behavior.

[tornbetweentwo]

Underwater2010 my husband is aware of everything, he knows that I am still in contact with the other man. I am just trying to get my head straight because living in this state has been extremely difficult for everyone involved. Reading everyones post has really got me thinking about everything and I really appreciate all of the responses I have recieved negative and positive.

 

BetrayedH, I am and have always been a good mother. My children are well taken care of and my husband and I have already discussed if we are to get divorced that I would have the kids. Im not trying to escape the commitment I made to my husband thats why I am on here trying to get advice from others who have dealt with this. I am not a horrible person, I am human who has gotten off track and im now trying to find my way back.

[BetrayedH]

Underwater2010 my husband is aware of everything, he knows that I am still in contact with the other man. I am just trying to get my head straight because living in this state has been extremely difficult for everyone involved. Reading everyones post has really got me thinking about everything and I really appreciate all of the responses I have recieved negative and positive.

 

BetrayedH, I am and have always been a good mother. My children are well taken care of and my husband and I have already discussed if we are to get divorced that I would have the kids. Im not trying to escape the commitment I made to my husband thats why I am on here trying to get advice from others who have dealt with this. I am not a horrible person, I am human who has gotten off track and im now trying to find my way back.

 

Fair enough. You have gotten off track and are now trying to find your way back. So what are you going to do? Reconciliation (which is what I would see as "back on track") takes tremendous work and commitment. There are posters here that can advise you in extraordinary fashion but you have to make the choice. It begins with going "no contact" with your affair partner and by treating your husband with respect. If you don't want to be judged, then I suggest you stop judging him for the way he has conducted himself, too. Are you ready to begin?

Edited September 21, 2012 by BetrayedH
Grammar

[underwater2010]

Underwater2010 my husband is aware of everything, he knows that I am still in contact with the other man.

 

Then you need to decide right this minute....do you want your husband or the OM. It is not fair what you are doing to him. It is not fair to yourself either. If you are really that torn, you might want to consider a seperation in the state you currently live in. Do not tear the children away from their father. Take the time to process your emotions. Let the OM know that you need a break from chatting with him. If he is any kind of a man at all he will understand. If it is really "love" he will wait. Leaving to your home state will only make it harder to sort through your thoughts....the OM will be there. I really hope you think long and hard about what you are going to do.

 

As far as sex not being that great with your husband, that is what masturbation is for. Also, there are videos out there to help with that. I would not tell him about that issue right now as you have already dealt a huge blow to his ego. But if you do reconcile with him, bring it up in MC.

 

I really hope everything works out for you.

[Owl]

I agree with what everyone has said so far.

 

Neither relationship CAN improve until you CHOOSE that relationship and CHOOSE to end the other one.

 

You are going to sit where you're at...nothing improving...until a choice is made.

 

Or forced on you.

 

At some point, either man may well give up on you. There's a limit to how much pain someone can take until they break and walk away.

 

You need to choose. And once you choose, you need to clearly communicate that choice to both men, end the relationship with the man you didn't choose openly and honestly and in front of the man you DID choose. And then you need to focus on building or rebuilding that relationship that you've chosen.

 

It's that simple. Perhaps not easy...but simple.

 

And nothing can happen until you make that choice. Nothing will improve until you do. All three of you will remain sitting where you're at, hurting...until the choice is made and the situation is resolved.

 

Time to put on the big girl britches and get to work, my friend.

[RobD70]

I guess my concern is that I have such intense feelings for this other man and I wonder if I could ever feel that way towards my husband? My husband thinks that if I stop all contact with the other guy that I will fall madly back in love with him but I dont see that happening, I see me wondering what if?

 

Well, you are not really "in love" with the OM, you are getting high from being in an A. If you were to move in with the OM within a few months you'd realize you made a huge mistake and would try leave him to try to R with your H. It happens all the time. So no, you won't fall madly in love with your H again unless he tries to divorce you. You always want what you can't have.

 

The reason being is that the reality of a real relationship can never match the fantasy of the A you have in your head. You don't really know the OM that well (and what you do know is most likely an act you puts on for you) so when you see the real him then it all falls apart.

[BetrayedH]

Torn- I feel like I'm reading my own story when I read yours! Yes, there are differences, but the bottom line is I'm torn between staying with my current H of 9 yrs (both our 2nd marriages), continuing my A with a co-worker and/or filing for divorce. This is the 2nd time I've strayed in 9 years. The first time was picking up where I left off with a MM I had an A with when I was married to my FIRST husband!! (I ended up leaving my 1st husband when MM chose to stay with his wife when we got caught). I do not regret that decision as I was in an emotional abusive/controlling marriage.

 

This time I was living 4 1/2 hours away but fell back in love with the same MM and tried leaving my new H for him. We went to counseling, I broke all ties with MM and things were off and on rocky, but relatively ok for the past 2 1/2 yrs.

 

I understand totally when you say about attraction. My current H and I met on a dating website. I had no physical attraction to him really..sex was awkward for years (and the cause of a lot of strife) until we both read the Five Love Languages. That seemed to click with both of us and we came to an agreement and like I said..things were going along smoothly. He is very good to me, treats me well, isn't very exciting, but I know he would never do anything to hurt me. We do fun things together and have lots of friends. We seem like the "it" couple. Except that I'm still not attracted to him. I just have accepted my life and was Ok with it. I can't say I was 100% happy, but I didn't feel unhappy either!

 

Then this married guy I work with came out of nowhere and started talking to me, flirting, telling me how he had a crush on me, etc. I RESISTED for weeks..I truly did..I kept telling him I was happily married. He would acknowledge that, but kept trying to woo me. He even went so far as to tell me he knew I would be his "gal" some day-that he just had a feeling I was missing something in my marriage and wasn't happy. He is a guy who gets what he wants..he's very driven and focused. I think I was his "prize" and he wasn't going to give up.

 

He has been married 26 years. Swears he never stepped out on his W before me. He explained that he was not in love with his wife and hadn't been for several years. He had love for her because of their kids, but was not IN love with her.

 

Long story short, we never totally consummated the A but we started meeting at lunch (in his car) and just talking and making out. It was only a matter of weeks before his W got suspicious and got into his FB and phone. She called my H and all hell broke out. We told our spouses we were leaving for each other (because by this time we had fallen in love). That lasted 2 days until he couldn't take the pressure of his kids and W begging him not to leave, so he texted me that he couldn't leave for me. I was devastated (thinking how freaking stupid AM I that I fell for the same thing 2x!). H was hurt and angry and told me no contact and if I did contact him, I was to come clean.

 

I couldn't stop contact with him. I emailed him as soon as I got to work that following Monday and told him how much he had hurt me. THEN I planned NC. But he wouldn't let it go...he told was backed into a corner and had to make a quick decision, but the bottom line was he still loved me and wanted to continue. I didn't want to (for the deception factor AND because I felt he wanted his cake and eat it too), but I was so head over heels I finally agreed to keep talking. We only met one time in 2 weeks though--I refused to see him as often and we were supposed to take it slow. I felt guilty - especially when H asked me if I had talked to him. MM and I planned to just keep on going until HE left his W, then I'd leave my H. Simple right?? Except that it was killing me inside to know I was still lying! I knew H would be devastated if he found out. That only lasted two more weeks before my H discovered an email I had sent MM this past Sunday..when we were away for a "reconciliation" weekend. OMG...it was soooo ugly!

 

We fought 3 days straight. I ended up going to stay with a friend on Wednesday to give us a break and for me to clear my head. H doesn't want a divorce, says he still loves me completely and wants to work things out. I feel like he's desperate...this is twice I've done this to him and he still wants me? Even after our terrible weekend of him finding out I was still in contact AND in love with MM, he wanted to have sex on Tuesday? That baffles me! He is hurting and I understand that. I also know his emotions are all over the place but some of the stuff he says and does makes me feel more like a slab of meat than a cherished wife!

 

On the other side of the coin I've asked MM to give me space and time to think too. It's not fair to ANYONE (especially me) to give either of them more time... He's pissed at me and said how can I go from saying I love him and want to be with him to now I don't want to talk to him! I know I probably don't "owe" him anything...he is the reason I messed up my marriage, but I feel torn. Now that I'm with my friend I could carry on as much as I wanted...which is exactly what my H predicted and is so afraid of. Part of me wants to prove him wrong and I KNOW what is truly right...which is NC! I even wrote MM an email and cc'd my H on it asking him to please leave me alone, then H wrote him a separate email a day later telling him about all my faults and affairs and asked him to leave me alone as well! Since we work together its very hard NOT to have interaction and/or just start IMing each other or picking up the phone. It's much too tempting!!

 

I have continued to make a mess out of my relationships. I have a counseling session scheduled. I've been reading a lot on line and feel I have attachment disorder...BUT I am still unsure if I haven't just married to the wrong man both times?? I'm so confused...I have some feelings of remorse, but not like I should. I don't really feel like reconciling with my H either...he said he'll let me go if I decide I want to divorce, but not to make any rash decisions right now. I'm not..but when I see him I feel nothing. When he hugs me or kisses me, there is nothing there. I feel relief that I'm not at the house with him anymore while he screams and carrys on and grills me for hours.

 

I know MM probably ISN'T the answer, but it takes all I have not to go right to his office and tell him I'm back in! :/

 

I always wonder how deep into the rabbit hole people will go. You have a choice. Keep going deeper or start digging your way out. How's this affair thing working out for you so far?

[Owl]

Might not be "BS fog"...used properly, plan A and plan B can result in reconciliation, depending on the circumstances. I used modified versions of Dr Harley's plan myself in our own reconciliation process.

[worldgonewrong]

I'm more than willing to accept my responsibility for my part in the A but calling someone a bad mother is really shi**y.

 

Look, if you're conducting a secret life that sneaks around your own kids, then you're already cheating on your kids. There is an implicit sole understanding that you are conducting yourself in a manner that you would not be proud of your kids seeing.

If cheating married women believed in what they were doing, and believed it was on the up & up, and believed that the OM they were f*cking is better than their husband (for myriad reasons), there would be no reason why the cheating married woman couldn't just introduce the kids to the new Superman in mommy's life -- because ostensibly, if all things are equal, then the kids should be as equally charmed & astounded by this OM as mommy is.

 

But we know that's not the case.

So instead, cheating mom dismantles a family and all the while creates a million justifications in her own head why she hasn't dismantled the family (e.g. "my husband's a pushover" - which is funny because only women can get away with that alpha/beta preoccupation; if men tried to pull that crap on women, it would be laughable).

 

So yeah, I'll stick with 'bad mom' in this case.

You're metaphorically spitting in the face of the cuckolded husband - their father. Somewhere down the line (tomorrow, 10 years from now), she sets an example to her children that it's OK to crap on people when your desires/interests wander in spite of the commitments/vows you've made. That equals bad parenting.

[worldgonewrong]

If you flipped this thread around and it was titled "Torn between two women" -

the man with kids would be summarily dismissed as a dirtbag. (And I would agree.)

 

It's because we have a language for men - they're macho pr*cks. We recognize the type.

 

But the language for women who engage in the same behavior has yet to be fully realized,

because there's more sensitivity accorded the 'troubled' woman.

[wanting more]

I don't think I "insinuated" it, I think I actually said it, because specifically in OP's case, her plan is to take her children away from their father. That's not the case in every or even most affairs--as bad as affairs are, at least the cheater doesn't invariably try to deprive the children of their other parent.

 

 

 

I apologize as I missed the part of moving thousands of miles away.

 

 

 

What do your children think about it? Did your affair result in them being denied full time access to their father?

 

My children have a shi**y father so his access or lack of is his issue, not mine. And has nothing to do with my A.

 

Reading someone say a person (or mother) in an A is a bad mother hit me wrong. I do not agree with taking the kids away.

[nofool4u]

I came clean with my husband about everything going on 3 months into the affair and he was heartbroken but wanted to work it out. He returned home about 3 months ago and we have been living together as a "family" but I continue to remain in contact with the other man.

 

So basically he is doing all the work to "work it out" with a cheating wife while the wife still is behaving like a high school girl. I'm taking it he doesn't know you are still in contact with the other man.

 

 

He lives very far away from us so seeing him is not an option but I can't stop thinking about him and talking to him. I feel like I have found the man I am ment to be with and that my marriage is over but there is something holding me back from taking the kids and leaving.

 

Why not set your husband free from you and leave to be with the other man?

 

Oh, and let your H have custody. Why should he have to be without them a majority of the time because you want to sleep with a guy that lives with his mother?

 

 

I feel like i am torn between the two men. If I try to make it work with my husband I know I could be happy but im not sure if I will ever feel the way I do about him that I do about my lover.

 

You won't, why? Because you are fickle and you simply love the excitement of being with someone new, and yes, his age helps too. You simply aren't meant for commitment. So why torture your husband any further. File for divorce and give your H the option of becoming the custodial parent.

 

You can at least do right by your H by doing that.

 

If I leave my husband for my lover I am risking my security and stability in my life

 

Hate to say it this way, but thats just too damn bad. Because the only reason you are staying with your H is to use him.

 

and my childrens lives.

 

Wrong, you can let your H have custody, and you can become an every other weekend mother, just like most fathers out there have to do.

 

Im just looking for any insight into the situation. I am human and do not want to be judged, this is the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with and I am looking for help not critisism. I really appreciate any responses.

 

Again, divorce your husband, give him the option of becoming the custodial parent. Your fear of insecurity shouldn't be your husband's problem. He deserves better that what you are doing to him. He doesn't deserve to have a wife stay with him just because he is responsible. He deserves to have a wife that doesn't pine for a loser.

 

Set him free and give him custody. He shouldn't be without his kids because of your selfish desires.