tedder59 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Hey all - New here. Before I dispense with all the details of my common law wife of 15 years cheating on me a few brief observations and questions: -got nosing around on the net and discovered my wifes Gmail password. -discovered shes a member on a popular dating site. -dating site password same as her Gmail..uh oh. -appears shes been pretty active on there with lots of stuff in her inbox etc.. -I noticed that with the few guys she did bother responding to there was the term "do you want to repeat" and with one guy even "want a threepeat" The responses were always kind of cryptic like..sure OK..or yeah I'm into it if you are. Anyone know for sure what this means ? I have a pretty good idea but.. I've confronted her with all this and her basic response was "there are no excuses for my behavior and I have to live with the consequences". We're having lunch today and she will be on the hot seat I suppose. I have expressed to her that I'm willing to try and accept this and make a go of a 15 year relationship. Cheers
Later82012 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Anyone know for sure what this means ? I have a pretty good idea but.. Cheers She was repeatedly cheating on you with some guys and with others only once.
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Uh, yeah, she's quite obviously cheating and her other men are responding to her requests for a repeat performance. If you want any hope of keeping her in monogamous relationship with you, this kind of accepting approach is the last thing you want to do. She has not respected you (sorry to be so blunt - I've been there), and women cannot love a man they don't respect. If you go all soft with her now, she will never respect you. Want her to love and respect you? FIGHT for your marriage by showing her that you will NOT accept this kind of behavior and that if she wants to win you back, she will have to go to the ends of the Earth to do it. Tell her to take her things and leave. File for divorce. You can withdraw the petition at any time. If she fights for you after that, you may have a chance. If not, you're on your way to divorce anyway. Dude, you have one shot to get this right. Be calm, cool, and collected. Tell her that you deserved better than this and she can go have her other men. She says she's ready to accept the consequences? Good. Here they are. Show her that you are a man worth keeping, a man that wouldn't stand for this, a man worth fighting for. If she's then willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust, it's your call. If she's just willing to accept having lost you, then she's already gone. Do not be a doormat when you meet with her or it's over. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Ugh. It sucks that you already indicated a willingness to accept this. Are you really ready to accept a woman that lies to you so that she csn sleep with other men? If you won't respect yourself, she never will. You are in a state of shock. she dropped a nuke on your marriage and you are wandering around picking up pieces saying it's ok. It's normal but you need to snap out of it before this lunch. And forget the hot seat. You need to surprise her with how in control you are of yourself. She's ready for the consequences? Calmly and confidently show her the door. Show her strength, not weakness.
Author tedder59 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks for the replies/advice gents. Yeah, a single act of discretion would have been a lot easier to deal with I think. This repeated willingness to cheat and sleep around is pretty hardcore stuff. I don't plan on going soft on her. This "lunch" is going to be very uncomfortable for her..as it should be. I hate throwing away 15 years but like you said..clearly no respect. Perhaps its been over for longer than I think.
Steen719 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Get tested for STDs. She is really putting your health at risk as she has had many partners. We all know condoms are not fool proof, so do not let that stop you if you think that. I am not sure why you are willing to stay with her when she has repeatedly chosen others over you. Find someone who deserves the kind of loyalty you have. It is worth more than you can imagine (or maybe not, since you are on here and see why). Good luck.
Author tedder59 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Ugh. It sucks that you already indicated a willingness to accept this. Are you really ready to accept a woman that lies to you so that she csn sleep with other men? If you won't respect yourself, she never will. You are in a state of shock. she dropped a nuke on your marriage and you are wandering around picking up pieces saying it's ok. It's normal but you need to snap out of it before this lunch. And forget the hot seat. You need to surprise her with how in control you are of yourself. She's ready for the consequences? Calmly and confidently show her the door. Show her strength, not weakness. Yeah her stuff is already packed and ready to roll. I should have thrown it all in the street is what I was thinking while I was gathering it up. A little history: She temporarily moved out a few years back to maintain a business in the horse world/boarding/coaching. The commuting and hours she needed to be there it made sense at the time. Most of her stuff was still here and we still saw a fair amount of each other. I was still pretty pissy with the decision thou. Her partnership with the woman she was in biz with disolved and she moved her horses to another farm and took her lessons there with her...and she moved back home for a year or so full time. Althou her schedule kept her away from home alot. All day Saturday and tues-thurs nites...looking back I think there was alot more going on than giving kids lessons. Fast forward to last June and she decides to take over the new facility she is at and lease the property (and small house) from the owner...shes moved out yet again...me even more pissy. There have been MANY nights between then and now (and further back) where she wasn't coming home at all that night because she had been drinking and didn't want to drive. She stayed at a friends evidently. Looking back now at all this I really wonder where the fu** my head was at. Denial I guess.
Balzac Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 So basically 15 is looking more like 10? Ouch. Nothing hurts worse than being lied to. Not sure what lunch can be other than the official "gottcha" now I'm moving on? Why didn't she communicate with you? Of did she and you weren't in that listening kinda mode?
Author tedder59 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 So basically 15 is looking more like 10? Ouch. Nothing hurts worse than being lied to. Not sure what lunch can be other than the official "gottcha" now I'm moving on? Why didn't she communicate with you? Of did she and you weren't in that listening kinda mode? Pretty much Balzac...pretty much. Communication/feelings etc where without a doubt her worst skill. I've been calling her "Spock" for years. She was passed around as a child (with very good people I might add)and they were all the same way with affection and feelings....non-existent. The more time that passes since the real **** hit the fan the more I realise that she needs the boot. Naturally you have weak moments and consider reconciliation but I think her/our "situation" is way too far gone. I dont think there is anything she could do or say that would make me trust her again. And yeah, she's busted big time.
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You're likely to waver back and forth about what you want. It's normal to not instantly fall out of love and many times the wayward spouse does a lot of backpedaling which also makes it tough be be decisive. Sometimes they are legitimately remorseful but more often at this early stage it's damage control. they don't know what you are going to do so they continue to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more while they placate you with words. don't be surprised if she offers you some, um, affection. You're best to resist those efforts if for no reason other than your health (and sanity). In order reconcile, it takes two things. (1) An incredibly and truly remorseful wayward spouse that will do anything to repair the damage that they have done and (2) An incredibly forgiving betrayed spouse. One thing is for sure and that's that #2 CANNOT come before #1. There is no reason to rush your decision and early "cheap forgiveness" doesn't work regardless of how much you want to forgive. Some WSs manage to rebuild trust over time (2-5 years is normal) but you are correct that "blind trust" probably never returns. You may be able to forgive but you will never forget. Whether you want to invest 2-5 years to see if it is salvagable is your call. But I wouldn't blame yourself for not having seen this coming. Few of us ever do. We're supposed to trust our spouse not to be the person that would hurt us the most. This was something broken within her, not within you.
Author tedder59 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 You're likely to waver back and forth about what you want. Wow that's an understatement. From one moment to the next I'm not sure what to do:o What she has done is absolutely dispicable - and to do it repeatedly. Man, I'm a wreck.
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Wow that's an understatement. From one moment to the next I'm not sure what to do:o What she has done is absolutely dispicable - and to do it repeatedly. Man, I'm a wreck. I went thru a similar ordeal. I was with my wife for 19 years, married for 12, two small kids, normal good life. Discovered a 13-month affair with her boss. They went to hotels about twice a week, had a 3-some with a prostitute, had sex in my house, she wrote a sexy story about it on the internet. It's insane how deep into the rabbit hole they will go. Trust me, you don't know sh|t about what she has done. It took me a long time to find everything I do know. What you have to realize that whether you want to reconcile or divorce, the intial steps are the same. You must take a hard line approach and IF they are willin to do everything possible, THEN you consider reconciling. If you remotely accept anything short of true remorse (which is demonstrated by consistent actions over time) then you will never fully reconcile. She must accept that the initial consequences of her actions are to be out. And if she still wants you back, you set the expectations. If you do anything short of this, she will have avoided the consequences and you will enable her to keep lying to you, disrespecting you, and frankly, to repeat her behavior. That will kill your reconciliation. You cannot love them back to you. They have to see what they have lost and then choose you.
Owl Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Tedder, I just wanted to say you're getting some spot on advice here. You can't pay for the experience and advice you're getting from some of these posters. BetrayedH is rock on here.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks for the replies/advice gents. Yeah, a single act of discretion would have been a lot easier to deal with I think. This repeated willingness to cheat and sleep around is pretty hardcore stuff. I don't plan on going soft on her. This "lunch" is going to be very uncomfortable for her..as it should be. I hate throwing away 15 years but like you said..clearly no respect. Perhaps its been over for longer than I think. You're not throwing 15 years. She is. The minute she chose to cheat on you. Kick her out and make her suffer the consquences of her selfish choices. If she can prove to you she's worthy of a chance, then she can go to counselling and fix herself before you even consider taking her back. If you bend and beg for her to stay, she'll have power over you and know she can do whatever she wants and not suffer any real consquence. People only change when they have to or want to. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Wow that's an understatement. From one moment to the next I'm not sure what to do:o What she has done is absolutely dispicable - and to do it repeatedly. Man, I'm a wreck. Sorry for your pain.. You didn't deserve this. If she was unhappy she should have talked to you. Do you two have children?
Author tedder59 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Tedder, I just wanted to say you're getting some spot on advice here. You can't pay for the experience and advice you're getting from some of these posters. BetrayedH is rock on here. I was JUST going to thank the posters Owl. All of this does help clear my head somewhat as to what I have to do here. Our "lunch" is an a couple hours..wish me strength and wisdom. I'll report back of course. Tedder
96nole Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I'm going to be honest, I don't see reconciliation. She's moved away, moved back, moved away. She's on dating sites. She's without a doubt been with many other men. I don't see any way you would be able to trust her enough to be able to carry on a healthy relationship. I was with my ex for 15 years. I know exactly how you are feeling about not wanting to "throw away 15 years". But you're not the one that threw it away. She did. What you are getting rid of is a very bad and unhealthy relationship. 2
Author tedder59 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Sorry for your pain.. You didn't deserve this. If she was unhappy she should have talked to you. Do you two have children? No children thankfully. I have a couple (31 and 29 now) from another life thou. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I was JUST going to thank the posters Owl. All of this does help clear my head somewhat as to what I have to do here. Our "lunch" is an a couple hours..wish me strength and wisdom. I'll report back of course. Tedder Good luck. By the way, Owl is one of the few here who has successfully reconciled so it's not just bitter divorced people that recommend the hard line. Today, think with your head, not with your heart and emotions. It's not easy by any stretch but it will serve you best to do it that way. The emotions are on a rollercoaster and making decisions based on them makes you do crazy stuff. You'll have plenty of time for all of that. Right now, keep your head in the game. You are way behind because you didn't know you were playing.
Later82012 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I've confronted her with all this and her basic response was "there are no excuses for my behavior and I have to live with the consequences". I think she is already okay in her mind if you let her go or at least that's what I feel.
Later82012 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 (edited) ..................... Edited September 21, 2012 by Later82012 Double post
GLDheart Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I believe this applies here: From: Sunk costs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia "Many people have strong misgivings about "wasting" resources (loss aversion). In the above example involving a non-refundable movie ticket, many people, for example, would feel obliged to go to the movie despite not really wanting to, because doing otherwise would be wasting the ticket price; they feel they've passed the point of no return. This is sometimes referred to as the sunk cost fallacy. Economists would label this behavior "irrational": it is inefficient because it misallocates resources by depending on information that is irrelevant to the decision being made. Colloquially, this is known as "throwing good money after bad". Simply put: Just because you've "sunk" 15 years of your life into this woman does not mean you should waste another damn minute of your precious time on her. 3
Recommended Posts