NordicStripes Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Hi all, just wanted to ask you a question. I was cheated on by my former-fiancee after a three year relationship. He broke up with me and immediately jumped into bed with a colleague of his. I firmly believe something was going on before he broke up with me though (going out with his colleagues every night, saying he thought she was cool, telling me he'd carried her around on his shoulders,...)... Anyway, after this 2-3 week thing with that **** he decided he loved me and wanted to do everything to win me back. By that time I had moved abroad to escape the whole situation and he followed me there. He's been trying really hard to be a better man ever since, and it's been almost 14 months now. The thing is, this all happened in the city where we lived, which is quite small. I feel humiliated to the bone by this experience, and I refuse to set foot in that town again, as it would bring all memories back and I just feel ashamed. He dumped me so he could f**k some random ****???? I told him I'm definitely not comfortable with him going to that town. His friends (all first-class losers who think sleeping around is definitely the normal thing for guys to do) all live there. Until now he's only gone a few times (which has always put me in a great deal of stress). Otehrwise he tries to see them elsewhere. That's better for me, but I'm still not comfortable with him being out with them. They are a bad influence, still very pubescent in their way of thinking. Anyway, one of them is giving a goodbye party next week - in this town - because he's going away for a year. My (ex) and I have been invited... (I say (ex) as we spend lots and lots of time together, actually living together. But no physical relationship as honestly, the thought of him being with that **** still disgusts me too much). So we've been invited. I immediately said No Thank You! Just to feel even worse when I get there and afterwards? But my (ex) wants to go... And here is my question. Should I set an ultimatum? Me or the party? Because honestly, him not caring how bad I feel if he goes is not a very good sign, right?...
WhatYouWantToHear Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Never have I heard of an ultimatum not working. Guys love them and will end up respecting you for them. And once this ultimatum works, I suggest whipping them out whenever you want something in the relationship to go your way. Just cut the cord already and dump him--save yourself the next 18-36 months of being in this doomed relationship.
2sure Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You mention that his friends are all losers who think sleeping around is normal. Those are his peers, the people he loves, the men he connects with. Odds are, he is just like them. Controlling ultimatums may stop him but won't change him. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Deleted as I misread the original post.
underwater2010 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You can request he not go and state your feelings, but you can control him. You call him your ex for a reason. If you know that he cheated on you and you are not married, why would you even care? It sounds like you guys are just roomates now. If I were you, I would just end any type of relationship with him at all. I think you have also learned a lesson on how the behavior of the friends can be an indication of a person character. Not always, but a majority of the time.
2sure Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You know, I think I was too harsh. You both sound very young ...as do his friends, are any of them married? And you said he broke up with you prior to having sex with someone else...so. The thing where you feel humiliated and will not return to a town because he had sex with someone else from that town while you were broken up....it's too extreme. The whole event meant nothing to anyone but you. And it hurt you, of course...but no need to feel humiliated.
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 If he's not doing everything possible to rebuild trust, you should show him the door. He can do whatever he wants. If you're not married and don't have kids, I wouldn't remotely think about trying to reconcile, especially with someone that doesn't know what real remorse looks like. Any friends that aren't friends of the relationship are no friends at all. He should understand this all by himself and not be asking for any kinds of nights out, especially nights out of town with friends like his. No ultimatum. Show him the way out the door. I'm sorry you're going thru this.
underwater2010 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You can request he not go and state your feelings, but you can control him please correct my statement. You cannot control him!!!
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You really can't be controlling at all. You can decide if you want to be in the relationship anymore. Trying to control someone just drives them away, no matter how wrong they are and how right you are. You can click my profile and read through my immense first thread for a big long example. I did lay down an ultimatum...I didn't stick to it though... But whatever, that's not the way relationships should work imo. If they can't have the decency to put out the effort to make the relationship work, especially after sabotaging with a nuclear bomb, then screw them. It's just not worth it. You'll drive yourself mad. If you ever hear them say, "STOP TRYING TO BE MY PARENT", you know it's probably time to leave. They are too childish to act responsibily and are right about one thing: you can't be their parent, and shouldn't be. 1
Owl Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I'm curious...you define him as an "ex-fiance" because while you live together, you aren't "with" him in some other ways. How does HE define the relationship? Does he view you as his GF, his fiance, his wife, or his roomate? It matters. If he does plan on spending the rest of his life "with" you...then the two of you need to learn how to communicate and compromise. You need to explain to him how this makes you feel clearly and concisely, without attacking him. He needs to listen, and make sure that you can SEE that he "gets it". And then the two of you need to agree on a course of action. But...if he's "just a roomate"...or just an "ex-fiance"...there's no reason why it should matter.
2sunny Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 InYOUR other thread you state that you were back together but didn't have sex because you were disgusted with him (his actions). So what part of that relationship was healthy? Sex is part of a healthy R!
Author NordicStripes Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) Thank you all so much for your replies. It really got me thinking... We are in fact, like roommates. But to him, we are lovers - a couple - going through a rough patch. Whenever I tell him that he should understand that in my eyes we are not a couple, and I can't be a couple now, he is very hurt. He does try so hard. He won't be going to the party, he told me last night. So that's one thing. But tonight he's hanging out with a friend of his and the friend's girlfriend and I'm going crazy. It makes me nervous and annoyed because frankly... I don't trust him. I don't trust his friend. And I don't trust any women - in a relationship or not (the girl he slept with at the time had a boyfriend as well). Why do people do this to each other? How can you claim to love someone so much and then hurt the so deeply....? Edit: Also, I am 26, he is 24. Leaving him for good doesn't feel like an option to me now. Even though this is not a good situation to be in, he is my best friend and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I want him in my life. I don't know if that's because I'm scared of being completely on my own again, or because I'm scared that I might regret it if I don't have him in my life anymore... It's all very confusing and I feel like I don't know what I'm feeling anymore... Edited September 22, 2012 by NordicStripes forgot to mention some things
2sunny Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Not too many guys are happy being in a R and not having sex. That's bound to be a long term problem.
Author NordicStripes Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 It would be for me too :-) But the fact is that the idea of what he did disgusts me so much..I just can't. That's something I don't understand. So many people on here say their sexlives with their WS is so much better after the affair... how?? I expercience so many mental roadblocks.... I feel that, since he could just jump out of bed with me and into hers, sex with me doesn't mean anything to him... I know I'm definitely srcewed up from this experience. I don't trust anybody... seriously, nobody. I can't be in a good relationship with him anymore, but I don't think I could be with someone else either. I know what's going to happen anyway. I have been cheated on before. Actually, I have been cheated on in every serious relationship I've been in. I'm not ugly, i'm pretty smart, I've got a great career going, I'm kind and caring... I don't understand what's wrong with me. Why I'm never good enough. And why I can't react to this situation like normal people apparently would...
BetrayedH Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Actually you are far more normal than you think. The cheating has nothing to do with you so quit beating yourself up about that one. Cheaters are everywhere, particularly at your young age. People just have no self-control while dating. Hell, half of them have no control while married. It's a crapshoot out there and that's a reality you're coming to learn a bit earlier than others. But there's nothing "wrong" with you. As for your no-sex reaction, I actually think you might be healthier than most. Many couples go thru a period of "hysterical bonding" after infidelity that lasts a few weeks to a few months. They have sex like crazy and usually don't understand why. For the betrayed, the feelings of rejection can be very powerful and so they crave the connection. Beyond that, we also want to reclaim our partner (and their ass) for ourselves. Our ego has taken a hell of a blow. The wayward typically doesn't understand how there is possibly all of this great sex after what they have just done but they sure as hell aren't gonna argue. I think hysterical bonding can be a real reflection of how much a betrayed person was hurt and broken. Interestingly, it's not known to have any correlation to successful reconciliation so most say to just enjoy it while it lasts. I don't blame anyone that goes thru HB but my gut says that if you didn't, you might be stronger than most. Your reaction is probably the healthier of the two. Again, stop beating yourself up. All that said, you know that intimacy is a critical component of any relationship. You need it, he needs it, and any other guy is going to need it. This cannot work as a long term approach if you want to have a serious relationship. Forgive me if I missed it but if you are not in therapy for this, you need to be. 2Sunny normally says not to touch these guys, to take your power back, and so forth. But even for a tough gal like her, you not having sex in a relationship is a huge red flag. Talk to your therapist; talk to a doctor. I had three therapists tell me I had PTSD and I went on antidepressants. You're not abnormal but you do need to deal with it. Good luck.
Author NordicStripes Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Hey betrayedH, thank you so much for that. Reading your words made me cry just a little bit, it's nice to hear that I'm normal for once... My (ex) often makes me feel like I'm not, that I should have gotten over this already. I know you are right about looking for help as well. I actually have been in therapy a few session prior to the breakup, and one session with a new therapist a months ago (I moved so needed to find a new one). I think she'd be good for me - she's a mature lady and tells things as they are - but quite frankly, I won't be able to afford another session until at least next month... So I guess I'll just have to stick it out until then. Could you tell me more about the PTSD you have been diagnosed with? Maybe in a private message or something? Thanks again, very much!
BetrayedH Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 (edited) Hey betrayedH, thank you so much for that. Reading your words made me cry just a little bit, it's nice to hear that I'm normal for once... My (ex) often makes me feel like I'm not, that I should have gotten over this already. I know you are right about looking for help as well. I actually have been in therapy a few session prior to the breakup, and one session with a new therapist a months ago (I moved so needed to find a new one). I think she'd be good for me - she's a mature lady and tells things as they are - but quite frankly, I won't be able to afford another session until at least next month... So I guess I'll just have to stick it out until then. Could you tell me more about the PTSD you have been diagnosed with? Maybe in a private message or something? Thanks again, very much! You're welcome. Understand that it is very typical for the wayward to want for the whole thing to be over with way before the betrayed is over it. It's almost comical to me. It's as if they think, "Hey, I'm not cheating now. I said I was sorry. How long are you going to dwell in the past? How long will you keep punishing me? This is hurting our relationship." Whatever. They don't get to bust up your face and then complain about how long you bleed on the carpet. They caused this. You didn't want this, didn't ask for it and every minute you stay with them is a gift. You take as much time as you need in order to heal. If he doesn't like it, show him the door. You do need to get strong enough to realize that you will be ok with or without him because it's the truth. It is said that it takes 2-5 years to fully reconcile from infidelity. I didn't believe it at first (at all!) but I now completely get it; I'm about 18 months from my Dday and still not fully recovered. Your BF is clueless. As for PTSD, there's another thread (started by ComingInHot) where Drifter777 has provided a good description of signs/symptoms. There is a therapy called EMDR which some people claim has helped them immensely, especially if your primary problem is dealing with images. That said, much of the scientific community discounts it's validity and it may be costly for you. Honestly, I otherwise have little in terms of solutions to PTSD. You need expert therapy. You may not be able to afford it but you can't afford not to do it either. Consider taking a loan from family. My guess is that your BF would also love to see that you are committed to getting better. As much as it is unfair and they are the cause, we ultimately have to own our own healing. It's their job to support us while we do it. Otherwise, feel free to PM me anytime. Edited September 23, 2012 by BetrayedH
Author NordicStripes Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 (edited) Oh my, what you describe there is exactly what he does. It's amazing how that is apparantly a standard way for WS's to behave... Quite frankly, it's disgusting to me. After reading your posts, today has been a turning point for me. When my (ex) was out yesterday I sent him lots of texts. I was concerned and feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Today he told me I ruined his night out, he yelled at me that I'm destroying everything (funny, I thought he was the one that destroyed everything...), that I'm unreasonable, and throwing the phone shut on me several times. In a way I feel like I want him in my life, but after the behaviour he showed today I can only think: is this what I want? Someone who makes me feel bad for feeling bad after him cheating? Is that the kind of person I see myself spending my life with and have children with one day? I don't think so... But actually making the decision is so hard to do. I have doubts. What if I regret it? I don't know... As for the PTSD: I will get help. I don't want the scumbag thing he did to have such a huge impact on my life, whether it be with or without him. Edited September 23, 2012 by NordicStripes
j'adore Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I can read my MM like a book the story will go.like this with BS..... I have told you the truth (not) now you believe me or you don't. We have to draw a line under it...... I don't want you to keep bringing it up. I am not seeing her anymore (he is). It is all over..... (it's not, I am still going to see her but I will be more careful this time as we have not fixed our relationship and probably never will as I still see her and i have feelings)........ [maybe there are feelings involved now. I hope it hasn't got to that stage for you.] I am not trying to hurt you, it is just that since i came on here it was like looking at a crystal ball. The reactions are too similar to discount. It has become predictable and I wish I had never read it.
BetrayedH Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Oh my, what you describe there is exactly what he does. It's amazing how that is apparantly a standard way for WS's to behave... Quite frankly, it's disgusting to me. After reading your posts, today has been a turning point for me. When my (ex) was out yesterday I sent him lots of texts. I was concerned and feeling uneasy about the whole thing. Today he told me I ruined his night out, he yelled at me that I'm destroying everything (funny, I thought he was the one that destroyed everything...), that I'm unreasonable, and throwing the phone shut on me several times. In a way I feel like I want him in my life, but after the behaviour he showed today I can only think: is this what I want? Someone who makes me feel bad for feeling bad after him cheating? Is that the kind of person I see myself spending my life with and have children with one day? I don't think so... But actually making the decision is so hard to do. I have doubts. What if I regret it? I don't know... As for the PTSD: I will get help. I don't want the scumbag thing he did to have such a huge impact on my life, whether it be with or without him. It's ridiculously hard to reconcile with a truly remorseful partner. I typically wouldn't even recommend it at all if you aren't married and with children. It just takes up too much of your life and your heart. And the trust never quite fully returns; you may forgive but you will never forget (and for good reason - this crap hurts). I only discussed reconciliation because you seemed so emotionally unprepared for breaking from him. Honestly, you are right that you deserve better than this. Don't allow him to blameshift this onto you. What's funny is that for those that want to reconcile with a wayward spouse, my first advice is to file for divorce. That's right - if you want to reconcile, file for divorce. The soft approach never works. If you offer "cheap forgiveness," they avoid the consequences that would teach them how much they really risked with this behavior. And the betrayed spouse misses the chance to see how remorseful the wayward truly is. They need to be willing to do anything to repair the damage they have done. A truly remorseful wayward embraces living a transparent life as an open book because they know this is their chance to restore trust. In fact, they are proactive in rebuilding trust - they offer reassurance, they schedule individual counseling (IC) for themselves to determine why they made such a destructive choice, they schedule marriage counseling (MC) or couples counseling (in your case) to rebuild the relationship. They voluntarily shed any "friends" that aren't friends of the relationship. They give up their boys-night-out business. If they go anywhere, thê go with you. They are never defensive. Does this sound like your guy? bYour man quite simply doesn't "get it." I don't like to rain on anyone's reconciliation parade. I believe people can change but they have to earn it. In order to reconcile, you need two things: (1) An incredibly and truly remorseful wayward and (2) An incredibly forgiving betrayed person. #2 can never come before #1. If he's not remorseful, your best bet is to kick him to the curb. If he becomes remorseful, you can decide if you want to take a chance. If he isn't, then leave him on the curb. My gut says you can certainly pick a better man to have children with. Take your time to decide but please don't sell yourself short. If a good friend were going through this, how would you advise them? Being so close to it and being emotionally invested (let alone devastated by rejection) doesn't help us to make an objective choice. We just walk around after the nuke was dropped and try to pick up the pieces of our life and put them back together. If the doofus that dropped the nuke wants to stand there and criticize how you do it, he can piss off.
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