Ex girlfriend pregnant, killing me inside

[FP1985]

Hello to all of you!

 

I've been a long time reader on Loveshack since I got dumped by my girlfriend of almost 6 years november 2011. And it has helped me alot to get through rough times.

 

We had our ups and downs but most of the time it was very good. We were both to blame for the break-up. At times during our relationship I almost hoped that she would break up with me, I was to nice-a-guy to do it. But things got better after hand.

 

The last year was incredibly hard because she was working at a place were I didn't want to live. It was only temporary and she was supposed to move back to our place in December 2011.

 

Here she met a co-worker whom she had already known before and she started dating immedieatly after we split up. Then they broke up in January and she came back to me as a friend.

 

Since the beginning of this year we have had more or less a lot of contact. And it has been quite nice actually to be friends with her. Both of us have been thinking that one day we'll be together again.

 

But fastforward to yesterday. We haven't had any contact for about a month. And it has been quite nice actually I thought I had gotten over here in a way. But I asked her yesterday online if she wanted some of her stuff back and I also then asked her if something is going on since we have had so litte contact.

 

Then she tells me she is pregnant with the same guy she dumped me for last year. It was a misstake and she is so devastaded at the moment. She said she had always thought it was us two who would have a family one day. She doesn't love him and she doesn't live with him, they live in different cities.

 

I told her that this is it, we are through for good and forever. She breaked my trust by seeing this guy and having sex with him. She said she hopes that one day we can still be togehter. And i told her that she shouldn't hold her breath. She said she loves me not him and she is scared to death by how she will manage in the future. Having a baby with a guy she doesn't love.

 

I still love her, and she still loves me. But all this hurts me so much I can barely stand to make it through this day. I puked my corn flakes this morning before going to work. So it's going to be a long day.

 

I've been seing other women as well during this year and have had unprotected sex with them so in a way I know it could as well have been me in her situation. Strangely this makes me feel a little better even though it shouldn't.

 

Please guys give me some advice how to cope with all of this.

[Floored]

Don't contact her, that's a start. It's been almost a year since you've broken up. You know she was wanting a solid man in her life? Someone she knew and trusted and loved?

 

These lines she's feeding you are worthless and just plain hurtful, even if she means them to not be. Wish it was you two starting a family? People make choices, you can't hit the rewind button when you don't like a certain path. She has to stick it out now by herself or with this guy. Do NOT be the beta that takes care of another guy's kid just because you were with her for so long.

 

I have no idea how to cope except to say you need to not talk to her, period. Time doesn't heal, it just numbs until there's a big ugly scar, so give yourself some more time. Give yourself the space. Her being pregnant, her having this kid with someone she doesn't love, this is her choice; accidents don't just happen. Even if you think you have a Nicholas Sparks novel in you, do you want some other guy hanging around her for the next eighteen years? Cause that's what it's going to be.

 

It's over, don't put yourself in an even worse situation by continuing to talk to her. No fluffy feelings coming from here, I'm sorry. I'm mostly mad because I'd hate to be in your situation; what a lowlife scuzz she sounds like.

[FP1985]

Don't contact her, that's a start. It's been almost a year since you've broken up. You know she was wanting a solid man in her life? Someone she knew and trusted and loved?

 

These lines she's feeding you are worthless and just plain hurtful, even if she means them to not be. Wish it was you two starting a family? People make choices, you can't hit the rewind button when you don't like a certain path. She has to stick it out now by herself or with this guy. Do NOT be the beta that takes care of another guy's kid just because you were with her for so long.

 

I have no idea how to cope except to say you need to not talk to her, period. Time doesn't heal, it just numbs until there's a big ugly scar, so give yourself some more time. Give yourself the space. Her being pregnant, her having this kid with someone she doesn't love, this is her choice; accidents don't just happen. Even if you think you have a Nicholas Sparks novel in you, do you want some other guy hanging around her for the next eighteen years? Cause that's what it's going to be.

 

It's over, don't put yourself in an even worse situation by continuing to talk to her. No fluffy feelings coming from here, I'm sorry. I'm mostly mad because I'd hate to be in your situation; what a lowlife scuzz she sounds like.

 

I guess you're absolutely right. And, no there's not a chance in hell I would take care of that kid. It's her problem not mine. I just regret we had any contact after breaking up in November. I guess she's good at manipulating people, she went throught law school after all.

 

Thank you so much for all those words, it really helps a lot beeing able to talk to people about this. I haven't really talked much about our break up with anybody. It's just that this pregnant business was a bit too much. Had she only hooked up with someone I wouldn't have minded that much.

[SuperGeek]

Dude, seriously. Why are you still talking to your ex a year later. You are just torturing yourself man. This is no different than watching videos of terrorists killing people on youtube -- it's very disturbing.

 

My ex left August '10 and i have maintained full NC since then. She tried to come back to me a year later after her dirt bag fiance walked out on her. Well too bad for her. After two weeks of listening to her pitch, I sent her ass packing and do not check up on her anymore. No mutual friends, no face book, no relatives of her, Nothing. I cut it all out completely.

 

My ex could very well be married by this point or have kids or be a heroin addict in the street. I don't really give a **** at this point. She choose to leave so it's her business and it's none of mine.

 

So dude, if you want to stop feeling like **** and actually get over your ex, you need to CUT her out of your life and move on. Completely cut it all out. think of it as a cancer that must be removed in order for you to survive.

 

I am a bitter as hell ******* now, but i am over the relationship with my ex. Bitter in the sense that I think relationships are just short term engagements and that marriage and all that is just a nice charade and a pack of lies. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to heal my bitterness for it all, hoping so, but not sure what it will take.

 

Remember ignorance is bliss - what you don't know about your ex can't hurt you. If you had been NC this whole time, you wouldn't have known anything about her pregnancy and you would have just been going on about your life. The less you know about what is going on with her the better off you're going to be and the faster you're going to heal.

 

Last tidbit: Don't LISTEN to what your ex is saying, but look at her actions. If she loved you, she wouldn't be porking some other guy and getting knocked up. if she loved you, she would be with YOU and not this dirtbag. That's the brutal honest truth, hope you can handle it.

 

Also, she DECIDED to get knocked up. It just doesn't happen by accident. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Unless she's stupid. Your call on that one.

 

Cheers,

 

SuperGeek

Edited September 21, 2012 by SuperGeek

[Hobbit]

good grief man, dont be the fallback guy.

 

Do you know how hard it is raising another man's child? I can write an essay on this because I know first hand (my Ex has a child from a previous relationship see...)

[FP1985]

Thank you so much guys for writing! I can't tell you how much all this means to me. I guess I need people like you telling me what a jackass I was for having contact with her.

 

I guess I have been denying that shes been acting like a total idiot, because I once had hope of us getting to togehter again.

 

Keep it comin.

[spicolli]

Been there man. 5 Year relationship, dumps me, gets pregnant within 5 months. Long story short they end up married. But it wasnt smooth sailing in btwn. She had me convinced it wasnt going to work with them and just about had me suckered into a step dad position.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with being supportive, but dont let her take advantage of you. I was putting my life on hold thinking about raising some other guys kid. Then i just said **** it. She isnt worth it. She chose to do this. I had convinced myself she was some kind of victim. Dont make the mistakes i did.

Hang in there man, its gonna be a tough ride. But (i am sorry for being blunt) she ****ed her life up. If you need any help, PM me, or post

sorry for the abrv. Version im at work posting from my phone, just thought i would try and help.

oh and btw 4 years after breaking up she is now married and still contacts me periodically to see how i am. She isnt over me.

[Balzac]

Back to comment you subtly dropped about you practicing unprotected sex. Dude, get a clue. Reliable contraceptive methods exist and why have sex with women who choose against contraceptives? Granted condoms work, but only if used properly. What are you thinking?

 

Funniest comment: she went to law school, implied is she passed the bar and is gainfully employed. This kid cuts her career opportunities by huge percentage number. She's not too sharp. Be glad to be rid of her.

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

I knew Balzac was going to chime in with his two cents on this thread. Lol.

 

OP, she's a train wreck and she doesn't even know it. It's going to take her years at least if she's ever going to figure out that SHE is the one causing her "unfortunate situations".

 

She likes unavailable guys and now she's going to be tied at the hip with one for at least 18 years. Luckily it wasn't you!

[Balzac]

Good grief, I guess I need to take hint? Hah!

[FP1985]

Yeah I know it is stupid having unprotected sex, have had it twice during this year. Nothing I'm proud about. It's the usual story, "I was drunk and it just happened".

 

Back to the main thing:

 

The worst thing about all of this is that while we had contact post-breakup I knew she had contact with this guy as well, she wasn't hiding it. Several times I told her that if she is being anything more than just friends I don't want to have anything to do with her at all. But she straight out lied to me. Even when we had our last contact (I promise you guys it was the last time) yesterday she was trying to downplay the fact she had been more than friends.

 

But it is really coming clear now that she is just full out crazy and I really deserve better than this. The main reason I was so blind is because I was haning on to false hope of us getting together in the future.

 

Another thing which is quite strange is that the relationship at times were bad as well. A few times during our 6 years I almost hoped that she would break up with me. I remember sometimes searching on the web for "how to break up with somebody". But at the same point as she lost intrest in me, about six months before the break-up, I gained intrested in her. Strange. And it comes to no surprise to you that this other guy started working with her at the same time. I guess you start worshiping people when they don't behave like you want them to.

 

And the law degree, yup she destroyed her career allright. She's got a really crappy paid job for her education. I got a master in history and I'm working in communications and making much more money

 

You can't belive how much progress I have made simply by writing and talking to you people. It is wort so much to me! My best regards to all of you. Please share more of your comments and experiences. All the best!

[Balzac]

Interesting angle on the law degree. No idea what rank her law school was or whether she sucked up debt to attend? You got it right when called her crazy.

You dodged the proverbial bullet.

[okiedokie]

Another thing which is quite strange is that the relationship at times were bad as well. A few times during our 6 years I almost hoped that she would break up with me. I remember sometimes searching on the web for "how to break up with somebody". But at the same point as she lost intrest in me, about six months before the break-up, I gained intrested in her. Strange. And it comes to no surprise to you that this other guy started working with her at the same time. I guess you start worshiping people when they don't behave like you want them to.

 

You should read up on "push-pull theory".

[Exit]

You've gotten good advice in the replies so far. Time to bail for good. Well, it was probably time for that a long time ago, but now you have to. As others have said, don't fall for the BS that she feels this is all such a big mistake and that she really loves you and wanted to end up with you. People who want something make it happen. Not sure what part sleeping with this other guy played in her grand plan of eventually ending up with you. It's a bunch of dishonesty.

 

I loved Floored's comment about not hoping this will end up as a Nicholas Sparks novel. There isn't gonna be some happy ending here, do not be foolish and think you two still belong together.

 

You had already been telling her that if she was having any more than friendly contact with this other guy that you didn't want to stay friends. And now you've found out that she obviously was doing more.

 

Pay more attention to actions than words. One of the most important things I have learned through my experiences. Maybe she says she really wanted to end up with you, but obviously she isn't acting like it.

 

You're free now. Enjoy single life and find someone better when you're ready.

[FP1985]

Today has been just bad. I feel so miserable about this. Have called a few friends and family and told them about it and it made me feel a little better for a short while. But sadness is getting back to me.

 

I can't stand the thought that we had so much contact post-breakup and she went and got pregnant at the same time.

 

Another thing which is bugging me is that we both live in a small town. We will run into each other, for instance we both go to the same gym, only one in town.

 

I guess I just have to tell myself that I deserve so much better. I was ready to start dating other people, I've had fun when I go out clubbing and meeting people. But somehow this all sends me back to square one. Hopefully I will get over this quite quickly because at one point I already was over it. In the way I sincerly wanted to meet another girl.

[Calico]

Regardless of everything else: STOP having unprotected sex!

[FP1985]

I know how stupid it is, thank you!

[FP1985]

I feel like posting here relieves my sadness right now. So I'll continue to spam a bit.

 

Today and yesterday the feelings have been going up and down. Sometimes I feel almost glad it's over because she was so mean to me. Sometimes I feel so much sadness that I didn't even feel during the actual break up, and sometimes I feel very lonely. I get very angry often at the thought of her and what she did to me. The anger and the sadness are the most reaccuring moods I'm in.

 

But one thing certainly cheered me up yesterday. Went out to a bar with a couple of friends because I couldn't sit at home the whole day.

 

The bar experience in it self was ok, nice to chat with some friends. Then I started walking home at about 3 AM. Of course these are the type of situations when sadness hits you the most. Walking home alone in the wee small hours of the morning.

 

But after a minute of walking a car drives past, then stops and reverses. The person opens the window and asks if I need a ride. I directly recognize her. She's a really sweet person which I have talked to a few times during spring/summer and I kinda like her.

 

This almost felt like an act of God, I had a big smile on me when I went to bed. Of course the lying manipulative ex is always somewhere in my thoughts, but It was so nice to have something nice happen for a while.

[Tree_Salmon]

I feel like posting here relieves my sadness right now. So I'll continue to spam a bit.

 

Today and yesterday the feelings have been going up and down. Sometimes I feel almost glad it's over because she was so mean to me. Sometimes I feel so much sadness that I didn't even feel during the actual break up, and sometimes I feel very lonely. I get very angry often at the thought of her and what she did to me. The anger and the sadness are the most reaccuring moods I'm in.

 

But one thing certainly cheered me up yesterday. Went out to a bar with a couple of friends because I couldn't sit at home the whole day.

 

The bar experience in it self was ok, nice to chat with some friends. Then I started walking home at about 3 AM. Of course these are the type of situations when sadness hits you the most. Walking home alone in the wee small hours of the morning.

 

But after a minute of walking a car drives past, then stops and reverses. The person opens the window and asks if I need a ride. I directly recognize her. She's a really sweet person which I have talked to a few times during spring/summer and I kinda like her.

 

This almost felt like an act of God, I had a big smile on me when I went to bed. Of course the lying manipulative ex is always somewhere in my thoughts, but It was so nice to have something nice happen for a while.

 

I'm dreading the day i see her pregnant. I feel for you, man.

 

I hope I never see that.

[Fitnerd]

Damn FP1985, seeing my ex again is pretty hard, I can't imagine how seeing her again PREGNANT would make me feel.

 

I wish you luck in your recovery...

[FP1985]

I'll update some because it's nice to keep a log and write down some of the feelings.

 

Yesterday was really good. Since last year when we broke up I have been only remebering the good times with her, It has been impossibly hard to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship. For example, earlier this year I looked at some of our pictures from a holiday in Rome and we were smiling and it looked so romantic. But truth to tell you that holday was far from perfect. At one time during the holiday my gut feeling told me to break up with her after we get back home, but then my brain told me else. But if you look at the pictures it looks like such a romantic holiday.

 

More of her negative aspects have been coming to me during the last two days and I'm starting to see that it never really was a healthy relationship from day one. For most parts of it I always seemed to work on keeping her happy, that was like the only meaning of the relationship. And a relationship is supposed to keep both people happy.

 

In a way getting over all of this is kind of like giving up smoking. In the first days you have these horrible withdrawals (relationship:grieving, sadness, only remebering good times). During the first days the symptoms come all the time, but after a few days they come only occasionally and they don't last as long as in the beginning (true about relationships as well). But when you are finally smoke free, you look back at the times you were smoking and realize what a complete idiot you were. It made you feel bad, you thought it made your life better and that you couldn't enjoy life fully without it. Same goes for the relationship. If a relationship ends it propably wasn't meant to last anyway.

 

 

During our almost six years together I changed much as a person. The biggest misstake was making my life a life were the only thing mattered was keeping her happy and not angry. A complete recipe for disaster as you can see. I don't really now why we hooked up from the beginning. Strangely she always carried a weird form of innocense in everthing she did. And I always belived she knew better than me in anything we argued in. Even when I knew I was right I sometimes stepped down because she could say really, really mean stuff.

 

Suddenly yesterday I started feeling like the old me, the person I was before I met her. Of course her memory will resurface from time to time (like giving up smoking remember) but it will happen less often and go away quicker for every day the rest of my life.

 

I pity the poor girl, she lost the best god damned man she ever had a chance with.

Edited September 25, 2012 by FP1985
Typos

[Tree_Salmon]

I'll update some because it's nice to keep a log and write down some of the feelings.

 

Yesterday was really good. Since last year when we broke up I have been only remebering the good times with her, It has been impossibly hard to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship. For example, earlier this year I looked at some of our pictures from a holiday in Rome and we were smiling and it looked so romantic. But truth to tell you that holday was far from perfect. At one time during the holiday my gut feeling told me to break up with her after we get back home, but then my brain told me else. But if you look at the pictures it looks like such a romantic holiday.

 

More of her negative aspects have been coming to me during the last two days and I'm starting to see that it never really was a healthy relationship from day one. For most parts of it I always seemed to work on keeping her happy, that was like the only meaning of the relationship. And a relationship is supposed to keep both people happy.

 

In a way getting over all of this is kind of like giving up smoking. In the first days you have these horrible withdrawals (relationship:grieving, sadness, only remebering good times). During the first days the symptoms come all the time, but after a few days they come only occasionally and they don't last as long as in the beginning (true about relationships as well). But when you are finally smoke free, you look back at the times you were smoking and realize what a complete idiot you were. It made you feel bad, you thought it made your life better and that you couldn't enjoy life fully without it. Same goes for the relationship. If a relationship ends it propably wasn't meant to last anyway.

 

 

During our almost six years together I changed much as a person. The biggest misstake was making my life a life were the only thing mattered was keeping her happy and not angry. A complete recipe for disaster as you can see. I don't really now why we hooked up from the beginning. Strangely she always carried a weird form of innocense in everthing she did. And I always belived she knew better than me in anything we argued in. Even when I knew I was right I sometimes stepped down because she could say really, really mean stuff.

 

Suddenly yesterday I started feeling like the old me, the person I was before I met her. Of course her memory will resurface from time to time (like giving up smoking remember) but it will happen less often and go away quicker for every day the rest of my life.

 

I pity the poor girl, she lost the best god damned man she ever had a chance with.

 

This is great progress.

We all get sentimental and reflect on the relationship.

But what matters is picking yourself up and moving on.

 

Don't give anyone power over your happiness.

Use this as strength and become a tougher man. Lots of women will follow, believe me.

[FP1985]

Saw her today by accident when I was out walking. She came walking from the other direction. It was very tough. We didn't even greet each other we just sort of nodded our heads slightly.

 

It all felt so surreal. The person who you were together with almost 6 years and now you can't even say hello to her.

Strangely I feel bad because of not greeting her with a simple "Hello". But then again the way she treated me, she's not worth it. She should be the one feeling bad, not me.

 

Sometimes it would be nice to live in a bigger city so you could avoid these kind of situations.

[Balzac]

I predict the awkwardness of the chance encounter will diminish and you'll be able to say "hello". It's more about where your head is, treating her as no more or less important than any general citizen. Give yourself time to feel your painful loss and reframe her in your mind as the flawed person she was and likely still is. You'll get there. You'll conclude that you bring much to the table and deserve a happy, caring romantic partner.

[CopingGal]

Seriously, if I had gone NC from the time I left my ex, I would have been saved from a lot of terrible, terrible pain. My sis once told me if doesn't matter if they need help. It's not your problem. I didn't listen. I should have. When someone doesn't treat you right, just go NC immediately after you call it quits. It's so much better. I learned my lesson, BIG TIME.