And so he's back from outer space...

[NoMoreJerks]

AND...... 7 days after the break-up... and strict NC on my part ( after his 2 post-break-up texts which I did not answer ), in the middle of his trip to Thailand, he texts me.... guess the whores are boring after all.

 

These are his words: "How are you doing? Thailand is good fun. Hope we can at least be friends. Bit of a cliche but so what. Do you want to have a beer at (the pub where we met) when I return? If not then I understand."

 

I'm SO tempted to respond. SOOOOO tempted. I'm afraid that he may have changed or he may have thought about it, and wants to give it another shot (even though he just talked about friendship), and if I don't respond, he will get upset and not wanna see me again.. I was hoping he would not send me any mssges until he returned from his trip, because it's easier to do this sort of thing face to face. But now he's forcing my hand, I guess.. Any thoughts? I KNOW everyone's gonna say do NOT break NC because this is a breadcrumb and I'm being played, but I'm sooooo tempted.

 

I'm guessing he texted me today because he was thinking about me, and probably remembered that 3 months ago today, we met for the first time, and last week this time, he threatened to dump me (for the 4th time) and we broke up (after I told him I couldn't accept being thrown around like that). Weird dumper/dumpee dynamic. I guess I dumped him but I'm not the dumper. He had constantly been asking for "space" during the relationship, and I did act a bit clingy, but I think that was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Also, he texted me from 2 unusual numbers. Not his cellphone. I am guessing he used Skype sms, to make sure I hadn't blocked him and that I'd be getting the mssges, because they are random numbers. But I believe he still has me deleted on Skype as a friend (?), so I don't know what game he's playing. I guess hes' trying to keep me as a back-up in case he gets bored when he gets back, without the headache of me acting like a gf.

Edited September 21, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[Calico]

I'm guessing he texted me today because he was thinking about me, and probably remembered that 3 months ago today, we met for the first time ...

 

You're projecting your feelings and romantic thoughts on him. If he had remembered that you had met today three months ago, he would have mentioned it. It's more likely that it is simply coincidence and follows the common observation that dumpers contact the NC'ing dumpee within the first couple weeks. Although if you asked him about it, he'd probably say that yes, he of course didn't forget it. (That would be like putting a pot of water on a stove and getting excited when it starts boiling.)

 

Really, this isn't even breadcrumbs. This is dumper's remorse or him wanting to make sure you're all right (most dumpers don't just stop caring only because they stop being in love). It displays zero interest in getting back with you. He even emphasises that he just wants to be friends ("at least" doesn't mean "I really want more than this"). He wants a buddy. Do you want to be his friend? Can you handle when (not "if", it's just a matter of time) he gets together with another woman? How will you fell?

 

I would not respond to his messages, but you sound very desperate and unreasonably hopeful so that I fear you'll not be able to resist the temptation. I didn't manage to ignore my ex's second attempt either, and I hurt for it, losing a week's progress.

 

At the end of the day, you need to do what you feel you should do. Otherwise you'll just always wonder what would have happened if you had. If you can, wait for the second attempt of his. I worry that you'll get majorly hurt again, but we'll be here to catch you. If you really can't resist, please at least make a deal with yourself that it'll be the last time you give in.

 

Buy a bag of kit-kats before you respond to him.

[NoMoreJerks]

You're projecting your feelings and romantic thoughts on him. If he had remembered that you had met today three months ago, he would have mentioned it. It's more likely that it is simply coincidence and follows the common observation that dumpers contact the NC'ing dumpee within the first couple weeks. Although if you asked him about it, he'd probably say that yes, he of course didn't forget it. (That would be like putting a pot of water on a stove and getting excited when it starts boiling.)

True. I can see that I was projecting. For all I know, he might also have mssged me because he's worried I might run into his co-worker who's coming to my city, and tell him nasty stuff about my ex (which I wouldn't do -- but I guess he just wants to be extra-nice to me to make sure I wouldn't do something like that?)

 

Really, this isn't even breadcrumbs. This is dumper's remorse or him wanting to make sure you're all right (most dumpers don't just stop caring only because they stop being in love)

Well, there is a chance that he may be feeling remorse, but I doubt it. This was a man who , without any remorse, emotionally (and arguably sexually) abused me, blackmailed me, manipulated me throughout. The only thing he probably feels is humiliation at the fact that he couldn't get me to submit to his previous attempt at emotional blackmail when he threatened to break up with me and I called his bluff. His ego was hurt, as was evident in his last text message last week, when he said that I made an unfair comment about him using me as an object all along, but that he does understand why I said it, and that I deserve better. Remember, this is a man who kept abusing me even after I tried standing up for myself, and standing my ground and trying to establish boundaries. He refused the boundaries I tried to put up, adn walked all over it, until I decided I couldn't have him walk all over me again. I don't know how he would be feeling remorse about any of this, unless it has somethnig to do with his ego/self-esteem. My ex is a narcissist, and he wants the satisfaction of getting me to run after him again, because for the longest time I kept doing that every time he threatened to break up with me, and he seeme to be getting a kick out of it.

 

It displays zero interest in getting back with you.

Sure, not on my terms anyway. On his terms, probably. As in, a friends with benefits situation, whereby he does not have to commit or give some of his much-valued "space" to anyone. He broke up with me once, and the next day, I saw him at the same pub that he mentioned in his text mssg, and he came up to me and talked for a few minutes, and asked if I wanted to go back to his place later on that day to talk. We didn't even talk when we went to his place. He wanted to have sex. But the relationship continued after that, and I didn't give it much thought until now. He just wanted the sex.

 

He even emphasises that he just wants to be friends ("at least" doesn't mean "I really want more than this")

Yeah, I know. But it's a bit vague/open-ended, as he always was in this relationship. As in, "I know you're upset and we don't have to be more than friends. Can we at least be friends and see where this goes? Maybe it can evolve into a friends with benefits?"

 

He wants a buddy. Do you want to be his friend? Can you handle when (not "if", it's just a matter of time) he gets together with another woman? How will you fell?

I don't think I can ever be his friend, because there are just too many memories and they will keep coming back to me every time I talk to him. Even after I get over him and move on to someone else, and I 'm ok with him dating other women, I would still find it hard to be friends with him. It's something that I do want, but I dont' think I can manage it. But I don't want to burn that bridge, and that is why I am worried that even if he was being honest about wanting just a friendship, if I don't reply, I will have lost that chance forever.

 

I would not respond to his messages, but you sound very desperate and unreasonably hopeful so that I fear you'll not be able to resist the temptation. I didn't manage to ignore my ex's second attempt either, and I hurt for it, losing a week's progress.

See, I was not hopeful or desperate today, even though it was a painful day for me. I felt better than I thought I would, and almost felt like I was moving on. I was asleep a while ago, and I woke up to my phone beeping because of text mssges. I thought it was someone else -- maybe his co-worker who was coming to town today, and may have wanted to hang out. Or someone else. I had not even imagined that he would text me again, because it's so unlike him. I thought his ego would not let him mssg me again, but I guess he needs the ego boost so he was willing to take the chance. I would believe your argument that he wouldn't stop caring just because he dumped me, but I am now almost convinced that he was unable to care about me (or anyone else). He's a narcissist and has zero empathy for anyone. Either that, or I'm completely misreading it and he was just a commitment-phobe whom I pushed away because of my clinginess and questioning about where the relationship was going.

 

At the end of the day, you need to do what you feel you should do. Otherwise you'll just always wonder what would have happened if you had.

I know. That's why I am so confused and torn. I don't want to constantly question what would've happened if I had responded. It's easier to maybe guess what would happen if I don't respond. And that's the problem.

 

If you really can't resist, please at least make a deal with yourself that it'll be the last time you give in.

I want to respond, but at the same time, I don't want to give him the ego boost, which I am sure my reply will do. He has more to gain from my response than I do, and I am aware of that. I don't want this to be a case where I 'm giving in, but does the fact that I'm even responding mean that I'm giving in? Any suggetions as to how I should respond? As in, if my response is going to be negative and refuse to be friends, is it better off if I ignore him rather than reply?

 

Buy a bag of kit-kats before you respond to him.

[NoMoreJerks]

If I reply, I think it would be something along the lines of: "I need space/time. Will let you know when I'm ready." It would be ironic given that it was always him asking for space. And it wouldn't cut him off completely, I guess, and leave it open for when he comes back, in case I see him around town. I would've preferred to do this face to face rather than by text. Does that convey too much weakness on my part, though? I don't want to sound like I'm struggling to get over him. :/

 

That, or completely ignore it and move on.

[Calico]

I want to respond, but at the same time, I don't want to give him the ego boost, which I am sure my reply will do. [...] Any suggetions as to how I should respond? As in, if my response is going to be negative and refuse to be friends, is it better off if I ignore him rather than reply?

 

The major advantage of not responding at all is that it keeps that little squishy ball of power in your field. It's a source of comfort to have that ball. If you respond, you throw it back to him, regardless of what you say (since it's very hard to not expect a response).

 

As for possible responses ... well, I really wouldn't respond to today's messages. Waiting for the next contact (it's likely to happen, though there is no guarantee; my ex did not contact me after I broke NC the first time when she did contact me, so now it's been 11 days) may be overall best, and also not make you look like a dog that comes running as soon as he calls for you. Hug that ball of power a little longer.

 

If I were to respond (I wouldn't!), well, there are four overall choices, I guess. You can either be:

 

a) pathetic: "YAY, you contacted me! I'm so happy! I even ate two kit kats today! YES, please let's have a beer together! :D :D"

 

b) bitter and negative: "Thrilled you managed to spare me a thought in between screwing Thai girls, since that's the only thing that really interests you anyway, you shallow jerk -- go and drown in your beer. PS. FU!"

 

c) pretend to be all right: "Glad your trip's going well. Things are fine here. Thanks for offering, but I think we are better off not being friends. Take care."

 

d) or give in to hope but maintain dignity: "Good to hear from you. Having a beer together would be nice. Contact me when you're back? (I'll eat a little more in the meantime so that I can starve myself again without dying when the card house collapses.)

 

The third option sounds best to me, but really, it's not different from simply not responding, which lets you keep both the ball and your dignity.

 

All up to you. Definitely sleep it over.

[Calico]

If I reply, I think it would be something along the lines of: "I need space/time. Will let you know when I'm ready." It would be ironic given that it was always him asking for space. And it wouldn't cut him off completely, I guess, and leave it open for when he comes back, in case I see him around town.

 

That's neither here nor there, and it gets you stuck. There's also the issue of fretting over whether or not you can actually keep that option valid. He may take it away from you and you'd feel completely powerless and walked over again.

 

Above all, it also prevents you from making a decision. You suspend yourself in limbo if you do that. Deciding what to do (hope, stay and suffer, or move on and put an end to this traumatizing situation for good) is really what you need to do. Procrastinating does not work in your favor. (I tried that -- didn't work; doesn't mean you're not welcome to follow my pawprints and experience the same!).

[Million.to.1]

if you are going reply, best to say something like "I would really prefer it if you just don't contact me anymore. No hard feelings but friendship would be a silly thing to try and force right now. Take care."

 

Then you are not ignoring him and perpetuating any further drama. You can move forward with your life, ignore any further attempts at communication and not feel like anything bad will happen.

 

NC is not meant to be a game. Stick with it, have a mature approach to it, and it will serve you well.

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm definitely gonna sleep on this.

 

But I think at this point, I'm leaning in favor of maintaining NC.

 

The only thing that worries me is that he might get pissed off at me for not responding, and send me a nasty message, which will get to my head and derail the healing process. I have, at this point, no means of blocking him since he keeps mssging me from random numbers, not from his actual cellphone. And I can't change my phone number since I've been using it for school, work, and networking with important contacts.

[Calico]

The only thing that worries me is that he might get pissed off at me for not responding, and send me a nasty message, which will get to my head and derail the healing process.

 

Don't let him, or the situation, intimidate you. If he gets pissed off (is it likely?), it may actually help your healing process insofar that it will make it very clear what he's really like, and the energy from getting angry with him for harassing you might push your forward. (Anger is far better than depression.)

 

I still think that doing nothing is the best option here. He'll either not contact you again (unlikely, I think) or you'll have another chance to decide how to handle it (and a second attempt to contact you will yield you more information). It's not likely that he'll go from asking if you want a beer straight to getting super angry with you. For all he knows you may never have gotten the text message sent from Asia.

[I'm nuts]

probably remembered that 3 months ago today, we met.......... He had constantly been asking for "space" during the relationship.

 

3 months? and asking for more space oh come on, is this serious, ignore him:rolleyes:

[NoMoreJerks]

That's neither here nor there, and it gets you stuck. There's also the issue of fretting over whether or not you can actually keep that option valid. He may take it away from you and you'd feel completely powerless and walked over again.

 

Above all, it also prevents you from making a decision. You suspend yourself in limbo if you do that. Deciding what to do (hope, stay and suffer, or move on and put an end to this traumatizing situation for good) is really what you need to do. Procrastinating does not work in your favor. (I tried that -- didn't work; doesn't mean you're not welcome to follow my pawprints and experience the same!).

Great point. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks. That option is out of the question, then.

 

NC it is! But just to give myself some time to think about it, will make the final decision tomorrow.

[NoMoreJerks]

3 months? and asking for more space oh come on' date=' is this serious, ignore him:rolleyes:[/quote']

And get this. It was LDR.. In the span of 3 months, he was abroad for about 1.5 months in total, and the rest of the 1.5 months that he was here, we saw each other every day (after he came home from work). To be fair, I might not have given him enough space when he was here. I wanted to see him every day while he was around. But only because I loved him. He didn't say much -- brought up he needed a day or two / week for himself, but we ended up seeing each other every day anyway. When he went back, he would text me every day (only about sex), but would rarely call (and when he did, he made it sound like a chore). When I said I expected that we'd talk more, he said he doesn't always want to talk, busy or not. He accused me of wanting to talk every day (like that is a bad thing to accuse someone of -- not that I told him I wanted that to begin with ), and said it was "hard to do a long distance relationship." Hard, but he wouldn't put in any effort anyway. And when *I* called him , he didn't pick up the phone and when I asked him, he claimed he didn't hear it ring. And now he wants to be "friends". Aww. Touching. What a piece of work.

Edited September 21, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[I'm nuts]

Uh, I think I know him, what's his name???, what a minute it's on the tip of my tongue, oh yes I remember him now, his name is Imajerk

[eleve82]

Hmm this is a tough one. From what you've written, he doesn't seem like the kind of guy I'd want to have contact with anymore, he has repeatedly played with your feelings. But this is your life, and your choice. I think you need to re-evaluate very, very carefully -- do you want this guy back in your life, either as a friend or something more? Nobody but yourself can reach this decision. If the answer is yes, you will have to accept the likelihood of more mind games in the remote possibility that he will come back to you. You open up yourself to more hurt but this is part of the risk. If you decide you never want to have anything to do with him again, then cut him off completely. Frankly speaking, attempting to do this whole NC thing while being half-hearted about whether you want him back or not will never work - you will always wonder if he has changed his mind because you harbour hopes of him coming back. If I were you, I'd just meet him and play it cool. You may need to see for yourself just how he has NOT changed, in order to let him go for good in your heart.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm SO tempted to respond. SOOOOO tempted.

 

 

Don't respond

[Dblock10]

Hmm this is a tough one. From what you've written, he doesn't seem like the kind of guy I'd want to have contact with anymore, he has repeatedly played with your feelings. But this is your life, and your choice. I think you need to re-evaluate very, very carefully -- do you want this guy back in your life, either as a friend or something more? Nobody but yourself can reach this decision. If the answer is yes, you will have to accept the likelihood of more mind games in the remote possibility that he will come back to you. You open up yourself to more hurt but this is part of the risk. If you decide you never want to have anything to do with him again, then cut him off completely. Frankly speaking, attempting to do this whole NC thing while being half-hearted about whether you want him back or not will never work - you will always wonder if he has changed his mind because you harbour hopes of him coming back. If I were you, I'd just meet him and play it cool. You may need to see for yourself just how he has NOT changed, in order to let him go for good in your heart.

 

agreed. do everything on your terms. sounds like he wants to be friends though, he has obviously missed talking to you, but if you remain in contact its easy to stay hooked and never let go truly

[NoMoreJerks]

So I've been giving myself time and thinking about this all day long. I've decided that I will maintain NC and not respond to his mssg. I think he's trying to get the benefits of not feeling lonely when he returns, without the commitment and/or expectations of him that a relationship would entail. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. No, I am not hanging out with him on his own terms. If he wants to see me again, he'll have to do better than that. He'll have to convince me, and work really hard at doing so, that he wants more than a FWB. Oh, and he has to apologize for his ****ty treatment, and NOT repeat it again. This time, I'll be enforcing my boundaries, from the very start. Assuming that ever happens. I'm not holding my breath, though.

 

Sure, I am hoping that NC might make him realize what he's missing out on, and I know that is not the real purpose of NC, but the good thing about NC is that all the while that he does NOT do what I would expect him to do in order for me to break my NC, NC will be helping me get used to life without him, and move on. Win-win, I guess.

Edited September 22, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

I was just having second thoughts about not texting him back, and was composing a draft text mssg, when my phone rang. I could tell it was him, because it was a UK number. I couldn't not pick up. I felt like it was my last chance with him. I was sure he was calling to know what I wanted to do about the things he mentioned in the text mssg. His tone was frosty at first. As was mine. He asked me how I was doing, and said he had sent me a few text mssges and hadn't gotten anything back, and was wondering if I hadn't received them. I told him I had received them, and that his last message, I was taking my time to answer, and was busy as well. He said, that's fine. I said that I wasn't sure what his intentions were. He said, well I obviously want to be friends with you, and I hope we can AT LEAST be friends because worst case scenario, I would like to keep you as a friend. And I was just suggesting we go out for drinks, just to catch up. He was a bit defensive on this, I think because he thought I assumed he was playing me and wanted to turn me into a f*ck-buddy.

 

I don't even remember what transpired at this point, but I think he said something that implied that he wanted more than a friendship, and I said, well, I would like to be friends with you, but if you want to try this again, I am willing to give it another try. I felt that the fact that he had called me (after a few text mssges that I hadn't answered), had shifted power in my advantage and so I could give away a bit of that power by showing that I was still interested in him as more than just a friend (I mean, who are we kidding, it's obvious that I wouldn't have lost interest in him in one week, right?). Anyway, he then said long distance was hard, and he'll be traveling a lot, and I should understand that this is why he's single. I said, yes, sure, long distance is hard, but if you want to give this relationship another shot, you gotta try a bit harder. The question is, do you want to try harder? He said that he wanted to. He said we'll meet up when he gets back, and talk about it, and take it one step at a time.

 

I told him that I want to give him space, and that we don't have to see each other every day when he's here. He said, no, well, when I'm here, it makes sense to see each other every day because I'm not here for that long and we should spend time together. Wow, my ex actually said that? Miracles do take place... Unless of course he's playing. I don't think so, though. I could tell that he was genuinely excited and happy, and he said he wants to show me pics of Thailand. He asked me if I'm ever on Skype, and I said, well, yes, I am, but I was under the impression that you had deleted me from Skype because I saw a question mark next to your name (yes, he had deleted me, that's what the question mark next to his name means). He said, no... I know he's lying, but I'm willing to forgive that little lie, because he may have done it in anger / frustration/ etc. I do that sort of thing too, and I don't want someone to hold it against me in the future. (He just added me back on Skype as I was writing this mssg).

 

Anyhow, he said he will call me again later. And I said I'm on Skype, Viber, and also willing to play chess with him like we used to in the past. He said that was cool.

 

We'll see how this goes. I'm not holding my breath or expecting a "happily ever after" ending, but it's a good/positive step, is my guess. The fact that he called me may indicate he's interested, and his tone suggested he wanted a straight answer and didn't want to play games.

 

ALso, I said I was unsure about the timing of his text mssg (in the middle of his trip to Thailand). He said he was looking at pictures of us together, and some of my pics, and they made him want to get in touch with me.

Edited September 22, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[Capucine]

I was dumped 3 days ago and I feel you..I almost got the same messages..two texts right when he was breaking up about how he still wants to be friends, and one about how he's there for me and I'm not alone.etc etc!

I did reply to the first two since we were breaking up. I just told him that i was not ready to be friends with him at this point. I totally ignored the last text which came the next day. Going NC just like you.

My thought on this: Although it's totally tempting, DO NOT FALL FOR THE FRIEND TRAP.

What if he really just wants to be friends? then once you're in the friend zone, you have no chance of getting out. You'll be his best buddy one day and you have to watch him text his gf right in front of you. I think it's better to go NC for now...

Either he comes back, or he moves on. And then if you decide you want to be friends with him at some point, at least you'll be ready and you have moved on too.

Then if he texts someone or talks about a girl or checks somebody out right in front of you, you won't be hurt.

That is my plan for now. I cannot think straight though but I hope it works.

[Calico]

Tricky one, and there's a lot I'd like to write and say, NMJ, but I'd rather just wish you the best of luck and that in the end you'll get what you hope for and, perhaps more importantly, what you deserve and need to be happy. I really, really do.

[NoMoreJerks]

Tricky one, and there's a lot I'd like to write and say, NMJ, but I'd rather just wish you the best of luck and that in the end you'll get what you hope for and, perhaps more importantly, what you deserve and need to be happy. I really, really do.

Hi Calico,

 

I know it's a super-tricky one. For all I know, he may just be using me to alleviate his boredom again. But, I'm willing to give this a shot, knowing full well the chances of this working out are about 2% (or lower). It will give me more experience and help me gather up the courage to set boundaries and enforce them. This time, definitely going to do that. And I'm walking the minute I see any of the previous red flags. He already knows that I am willing to walk if he makes a threat to break up.

 

The tables have turned and power is on my side now. And I intend to hold on to it.

 

I will keep you posted. And I'm definitely going to be around on LS in the meantime. Thanks so much for the support and advice thus far. I honestly don't know how I would've survived the first week of my first-ever break-up without LS and the great people on here.

 

No more of the inexperienced "I can't live without you" girl. I am now very confident and that one week alone, away from my friends, having taken a break from work/school, thinking about what *I* did wrong and how *he* wronged me, made me realize my mistakes and how to fix them next time around. No more addiction to him. I can manage on my own if he chooses to leave. But it won't even get down to him choosing to leave, because chances are, this time I will be the one to leave if this thing starts taking a wrong turn.

Edited September 22, 2012 by NoMoreJerks