Why would a guy suggest coffee when we know each other?

[quartz88]

Ok, I could really use some help! There's a guy who works in my building (different company), and makes an effort to talk to me every time we run into each other. He's not someone I'd normally be attracted to on first glance, but we have a number of mutual friends, he's kind and smart, and seems kind of nervous when he talks to me (which I find cute).

 

I should note, we initially met last year, and he tried talking to me then - but I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't very receptive. We're friends on Facebook, so it's not as if we're strangers.

 

It's hard to describe our work situation, but we've been attending the same conference out of town for the last two weeks. I've hung out with him in group situations, and one evening he asked if I'd join him at the hotel bar for a drink - which I did, for 2 hours. There wasn't the immediate "click" I've had with some men in the past, but in my mind, it was definitely worth seeing him again.

 

There was clearly an attraction there, and a prolonged hug afterwards - things happen at these conferences all the time and it could have led to more, but it didn't (nor did we suggest it).

 

At one point in the evening, one of our mutual friends wandered over and endorsed this guy as a the Best Man at his wedding and enumerated a list of his positive qualities.

 

Throughout the week (because our schedules are different), he's come up to talk to me, always smiling, asking how my day has been, and texts things like "it was nice to see you today, if only for a moment."

 

He asked if I'd be up for hanging out back home after we get back from the conference, and I said sure, and asked what he had in mind. I was thinking lunch, dinner, or maybe a movie.

 

His response: "Why don't we start with coffee and take it from there?"

 

NOW...is it just me, or does this seem odd?

 

To me, a coffee date is a screening device for when you're meeting someone for the first time. In my mind, our 2-hour chat over an intimate drink takes care of the "coffee," and I don't see a brief meetup over coffee as something that propels things forward.

 

It makes me think that he might be involved with someone else and is either using me as an ego boost, or exploring his options (meaning he's interested, but coffee doesn't seem "first date" enough for him to feel guilty, or he's not invested/interested enough for lunch).

 

Or maybe he just really likes coffee and sees that as the most logical step.

 

Am I misreading this? Doesn't it seem like coffee's moving *backwards* from where we are now?

Edited September 21, 2012 by quartz88
typo

[CC12]

It makes me think that he might be involved with someone else and is either using me as an ego boost, or exploring his options (meaning he's interested, but coffee doesn't seem "first date" enough for him to feel guilty, or he's not invested/interested enough for lunch).

 

Why so cynical?

 

I don't think coffee is taking it a step backward. He did say, "Start with coffee and then go from there" which implies it will be more than just a short coffee date.

 

I would guess that he's a little shy to ask you, "Would you like to have dinner and a movie with me?" That can be a little awkward, I think. Maybe he doesn't have firm plans for the rest of the date yet, and just wants to wait and see what you're both in the mood for that day. Or maybe he does have plans but wants to make it seem more spontaneous. Who knows. But I do think you're overthinking it and being overly suspicious for no good reason.

[oaks]

You are over thinking it. Go for coffee but make sure you've got the rest of the evening free. Sure, you might be disappointed and it's just coffee, but that's life.

 

What would you do without having the internet to ask what to do? Do that.

[phineas]

I can only imagine what the women at work who flirt with me hard are wondering because I haven't asked them out. LOL!

[Emilia]

I think he just wants to talk to you without alcohol OP

[Ninjainpajamas]

You've known him for a while already, you get to see at least somewhat his demeanor and activity especially with his FB account...so that doesn't strike necessarily as a guy trying to hide anything...plus the added perk of feedback saying he was the best man...which alone is not much of a testament or even that big of a deal but the fact that they went out of their way to compliment him at least shows some positive relations with people.

 

As far as the coffee date, If the guy sounds nervous when he talks to you and he's attempted to hang out with you before like he did at the bar then he definitely seems like he could be on the shy side, it may be taking him a lot of effort and motivation to ask you out...I'm not really sure, this kind of depends on age and experience with his demeanor and you don't say anything about it other than nervous.

 

Most guys I think would have tried to make something out of it when you went for drinks, especially after that time and effort..the fact that hes not been aggressive and just trying to make the best out of the moment seems to be genuine interest...so coffee or no coffee I don't think that's what important here...maybe he has other plans or wants to try and surprise you, who knows...wouldn't cut him too bad for that If he's just shy.

 

Concerns would be to watch his behavior and attitude, and also make sure you think he's someone that really is compatible with you...which seems to be a dull connection to be honest...that alone I'd say to walk away from personally but I know a lot of people out there like to see If they can make glass out of sand with a gradual refining process of getting to know someone and forcing intimacy and connections...to me If It isn't there it isn't there but some believe all that can be built, so it's up to you and what you want.

[musemaj11]

You should tell him you expect an expensive dinner instead.

[guildenstern]

Or maybe he just really likes coffee and sees that as the most logical step.

 

That's me. I love going for coffee even for visiting with old friends. Or he may just be kind of old fashioned and just want to do things in the right order.

[carhill]

Why would a guy suggest coffee when we know each other?

 

Low pressure first date, even more important since there is apparently a professional/work association.

[MrCastle]

Am I the only one whose never been on a coffee date? I mean I can see why people do it, and in this case, I understand where the guy is coming from (he may be shy) but I find them so typical/lame/over done. Add to that I don't actually drink coffee. I hate the stuff. I've had it once, maybe twice in my entire lifetime. Coffee is not my cup of tea.

[beyond]

Ok, I could really use some help! There's a guy who works in my building (different company), and makes an effort to talk to me every time we run into each other. He's not someone I'd normally be attracted to on first glance, but we have a number of mutual friends, he's kind and smart, and seems kind of nervous when he talks to me (which I find cute).

 

I should note, we initially met last year, and he tried talking to me then - but I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't very receptive. We're friends on Facebook, so it's not as if we're strangers.

 

It's hard to describe our work situation, but we've been attending the same conference out of town for the last two weeks. I've hung out with him in group situations, and one evening he asked if I'd join him at the hotel bar for a drink - which I did, for 2 hours. There wasn't the immediate "click" I've had with some men in the past, but in my mind, it was definitely worth seeing him again.

 

There was clearly an attraction there, and a prolonged hug afterwards - things happen at these conferences all the time and it could have led to more, but it didn't (nor did we suggest it).

 

At one point in the evening, one of our mutual friends wandered over and endorsed this guy as a the Best Man at his wedding and enumerated a list of his positive qualities.

 

Throughout the week (because our schedules are different), he's come up to talk to me, always smiling, asking how my day has been, and texts things like "it was nice to see you today, if only for a moment."

 

He asked if I'd be up for hanging out back home after we get back from the conference, and I said sure, and asked what he had in mind. I was thinking lunch, dinner, or maybe a movie.

 

His response: "Why don't we start with coffee and take it from there?"

 

NOW...is it just me, or does this seem odd?

 

To me, a coffee date is a screening device for when you're meeting someone for the first time. In my mind, our 2-hour chat over an intimate drink takes care of the "coffee," and I don't see a brief meetup over coffee as something that propels things forward.

 

It makes me think that he might be involved with someone else and is either using me as an ego boost, or exploring his options (meaning he's interested, but coffee doesn't seem "first date" enough for him to feel guilty, or he's not invested/interested enough for lunch).

 

Or maybe he just really likes coffee and sees that as the most logical step.

 

Am I misreading this? Doesn't it seem like coffee's moving *backwards* from where we are now?

 

 

Wow! Talk about over thinking.

I'd say he likes you and wants to put you at ease.

Go for coffee and have fun!

xx

[maybealone]

Apparently I am the only other one who also thinks this is strange. I agree that coffee is more like a screening thing for When two people don't know each other. A more appropriate first date in this case would, to me, be more like dinner or bowling. Coffee does seem like moving backwards.

 

Maybe his "take it from there" comment did mean maybe there would be more to the date, but in my personal experience, that usually means something more along the lines of, "I'm not even sure I like you yet and I am concerned you are already picking out china patterns."

 

Still, I would try not to over think it and just go, have fun, and see if it goes anywhere. Maybe he's just being cautious because of the work relationship, or maybe he wants to start dating from a clean slate from the beginning.

[GirlontheLam]

Means nothing, coffee is good for a low pressure activity. If you don't have chemistry like you think you do, then nothing lost in in process. Coffee is even better than drinks than a first date, because you can do it in the AM or the afternoon and if things go well, extend later for a meal or something else. But if it sucks, you still have your day free for something else.

[beyond]

Am I the only one whose never been on a coffee date? I mean I can see why people do it, and in this case, I understand where the guy is coming from (he may be shy) but I find them so typical/lame/over done. Add to that I don't actually drink coffee. I hate the stuff. I've had it once, maybe twice in my entire lifetime. Coffee is not my cup of tea.

 

I once had five 'coffee' dates with a guy I worked with once before he actually told me he really liked me. He later confessed he hated coffee and would feel sick all afternoon after meeting up!

[beyond]

"We're friends on Facebook, so it's not as if we're strangers."

 

Op - this made me laugh!!!!

[carhill]

I've always seen 'coffee' as a generic term. Most places which offer coffee (our local diner has some pretty good coffee if one likes that) offer other stuff too, both food and beverage. So, one can have a 'coffee date' and not touch the stuff if they don't like it. It's, in this case, more about meeting someone, formerly only related to in a business environment, strictly for personal interaction. Between a man and a woman who are otherwise not friends, that's generally for getting to know for the purposes of romance.

[Feelin Frisky]

Meeting for coffee is not necessarily a "coffee date". It sounded to me like "let's get together and talk about having a date or seeing each other in some kind way". I recommend erring on the side of being positive about it--assume it to be an innocuous gesture to get together "AND SEE WHERE IT GOES FROM THERE". I wouldn't take that to mean let's have coffee and that see if we start making out on the spot. It's an imperfect remark by and imperfect person to an imperfect person where you aren't a couple and he might have nerves and didn't say the ideal thing.

[Mrlonelyone]

Remember when asking someone to have coffee meant sex?

 

 

 

It sounds like he wants to build up a personal relationship and keep it separate from your professional relationship. Some people can compartmentalize these things very well. Think James Carville and Mary Matlin, one arch Democrat strategist and one arch Republican pundit, married since 1993. They say that they mentally separate their work lives from their personal life and it works for them.

 

By asking you to coffee you can start your relationship from that fresh new page. I'll bet he tries to keep work and personal life separate in other ways too.

[quartz88]

Make sure you think he's someone that really is compatible with you...which seems to be a dull connection to be honest...that alone I'd say to walk away from personally but I know a lot of people out there like to see If they can make glass out of sand with a gradual refining process of getting to know someone and forcing intimacy and connections...

 

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I AM a notorious overthinker, so I agree with what many of you said. The cynicism comes from being misled by people in the past, but my radar for that sort of thing has gotten better, and this guy does strike me as someone genuine.

 

Edited to add: We are both in our early 30s.

 

I'm afraid my ability to make sense of it all and go with the flow is hampered by two things:

 

1) I've been very lonely; I haven't invested as much time/effort into building a social life the past few years as I have at work, and it's really nice to have someone show interest in me.

 

2) As Ninjainpajamas pointed out, if I were to be honest, the connection (so far) is dull compared to others I've had, and I think I'm subconsciously looking for a way out.

 

I realize most people who meet DON'T click, so it's not rocket science, but I've been told (by friends) that I place too much importance on conversational chemistry. People keep saying it can "develop over time." However, I tend to get along best with people that are somewhat sarcastic and share my sense of humor, and this guy...is not that. He's nice though, and easy to talk to.

 

The only problem is all he talks about is work, and his accomplishments, and niche facets of his work that I don't find interesting. This makes me wonder if I'm self-centered, or not open-minded enough...but more likely, we probably just don't have enough in common.

 

In that case, coffee is moot, although part of me wants to see if things might improve once he's in a situation where he doesn't have to talk about work.

 

It's just hard, because I've dealt with jerks and people who were just stringing me along. He's actually sweet, when he's not blabbing about work. I'd mentioned some friends from out of town needing tickets to an event, and when I arrived this morning, there were 10 tickets on my desk wrapped in a red ribbon, with a little note saying "Here you go, just in case. :)" He seems like a good guy.

Edited September 22, 2012 by quartz88
added age

[FitChick]

The reason he talks about work is because you have only had a work relationship up to this point. Why can't you steer the conversation to other areas?