Another Vanilla break up-like everyone else

[Dreamless Sleep]

Wow, I lurked for a month, logged on for about 6 weeks. Posted a few times. Finally feel like posting my tale. If I write it one hundred times the details will change. Perspective.

So briefly.

Married at 22/20. Through college and professional school for each. I drank and was inattentive, she has a profound self image problem and raging eating disorder (that continues). We had 3 kids. Built a life that was the envy from everyone outside.

I could never reassure her enough that she was smart or pretty or worthwhile. She could not listen to what I wanted or needed.

She was bubbly and outgoing. Yet a raging psychopath at home. I was gregarious and motivated and driven. At home I was sullen and withdrawn. We failed to connect.

We hid our demons while building a career, family, garden, hobbies, social networks, new house and planning lavish vacations.

We couldn't nourish each other without despising ourselves. It was emotionless embraces for the public. Our secluded romance was listless expressionless failures. We were unable to begin to talk about it.

It dragged on too long.

She became increasingly withdrawn and secretive, yet bold. On Valentines Day, 19 months ago, I discovered the first of a series of very intimate online affairs. She hesitantly expressed remorse. But little changed. 4 months later on the morning after my birthday, I intercepted a text about her disgust about having sex with me. And her wishes that it were with her newest paramour. She wrote about longing for him when I would be away 3 days later. I exploded. I charged into find her on the computer with him. I pushed her onto the floor from her chair and smashed her i-phone.

We wept. Little changed. She was a slave to the internet and FB and other sites. Her life was full of virtual friends, while losing the real life ones. Her online affair continued. I desperately pleaded to go to counseling to save the marriage. We went through the motions. She was gone. I didn't accept it. I should have moved on. Her accounts and phone acquired passwords and her behavior worsened. Our 25th Anniv was a joke. Christmas was unbearable. In March I found the last straw. She was sending revealing pix to a new guy. I raged. Horribly. She was scared enough to call the police.

I moved out to start the summer. We're proceeding through divorce. Her family and friends express much bewilderment and sadness to me. I am devastated over the loss of the dream. I hope that one day that I can forgive her. And forgive myself for not tending to my marriage.

I know I've learned a lot. I just hope that I can change for the next relationship.

Peace

[riverratt]

I hope you can have success. Be harsh on your self and realize what you did wrong and work on it. No one is perfect but everybody can improve.

 

The kids doing ok?

[Dreamless Sleep]

Thanks riverratt, The oldest child is off to college. I believe he is well. It's difficult to get much response from your son away at school I'm told. But, seriously, he and I are ok AND he and his mother are ok.

My 16yo daughter hates her mother. Mostly average mother daughter stuff. Although my daughter likes to use this break-up to get to her mother. She would like to live with me. Or so she says to manipulate her mother. Her mother is crushed, I chalk it up to growing pains.

My 14yo daughter cannot fathom the disruption. She is devastated to imagine selling our home. I don't think she cares which parent lives in the house with her. She doesn't want to give up her routine. That makes it hard to get her stay with me. I live 4 miles away. Particularly if her mother isn't out of town.

[riverratt]

Kids catch hell in this stuff. They seem to always chose sides. They may not really show it much, like your D but they do often enough.

 

The LS people , as a whole, will remind you to work on you. Get out of your old box. Try a new hobby. Check and see if there are any Social Clubs around. There is one where I live and it isn't about dating it is about meeting people. They meet for dinner during the week. May go bowling. Take in a show.

 

It is been a big help to me. I have picked up my Bass again. I love to shoot old black powder guns. Got that stuff back out. I enjoy photography. Have been doing that more. I have planned a trip to do just that. Make sure you get out.

 

Don't know if you like music or what you listen too. I enjoy all kinds and music really helps me check this song out..It says a lot

 

[wilslaw21]

Affairs really, really suck. I have had to endure two that I know of from my ex wife. The last one, she left me for. If you seriously want to move forward, you will need to FORGIVE, brother. Trust me. It is hard. I have to remind myself everyday that I forgive her because each day she is not with me, is a day she is with him. But the day will come when I will move on without having to forgive her daily in the morning.

 

Try not to beat yourself up all the time. Work on yourself. You've identified things that destroyed your marriage. Now you know what to look for and how not to treat your spouse (but again don't dwell on your past mistakes, it is too late now -- come to the present and think of the future knowing you can be a better you, but it is up to you; hindsight is always 20/20). Think of how much sweeter it will be when you find your next mate, knowing you value yourself and her much more than you would have not growing through the fire.

 

I have learned through my trial that nothing in life is permanent. So when God sends me my future spouse, you better believe I will treat her like she is my last. In the meantime, I wait and heal.