ex not making sense. broke up suddenly wants to be friends but mixed signals!!!

[verlassen]

i'll try to keep this to a reasonable length, b/c i know its not fun to read a bunch of ****, but please bear with me

 

some background:

 

ex and i have known each other since aug 2011, started dating feb 2012 and things got more serious by mid march. we happened to share some classes together at the uni and worked with each other outside of dates on the weekdays. we were both extremely busy and really only had time to see each other on dates once a weekend, but we made it work.

 

summer rolls around, and I have to work abroad for 3 months while she works somewhere else in the US. before we left school, we agreed to stay in touch and pick things back up in the fall. i didnt go abroad until 10 days after school ended, so we talked alot on the phone and skype constantly and it was pretty obvious we missed each other. then i fly off. the place i was working had really ****ty internet and i did alot of traveling, so the best way we stayed in touch was long facebook messages, viber texts, and skype once a week or so, although skype was limited to voice only. this went on from the end of may until aug 11, when i got back to the states. the distance sucked, but we made it work and she was even excited about making plans for stuff to do once we were both back at school.

 

i had a conference to attend, but on the 16th i arrived back in my home state and she picked me up from the airport. right away i could tell something was off. she just seemed kinda distant and when we kissed it didnt feel right. for the next 4-5 days before school started, she was pretty cold and distant in her replies when i texted her and stuff. it was so weird. then i ask her when she's moving in so i can see her again, and she just gives me some bull**** idk answer and that was that. i move in early and get unpacked and let her know to text/call me if she needed help moving in. so this is like thurs aug 23. turns out she was already moving in by the next day but never told me, its only b/c i saw her walking around campus and i holler at her as i drive by in my car. no communication from her, and i didnt feel like calling her out.

 

next day, sat aug 25, i tell her we need to talk and we meet up in the evening. she acts like everything's OK and even asks me "whats up?" as if i was acting weird. then she spills the beans:

 

she doesn't think it'd be right to continue the relationship b/c she somehow convinced herself it was going nowhere. she said until the last 2 weeks of summer, so like from august onwards, she thought we'd be getting back together, but then a bunch of doubts welled up in her head about us and apparently she "realized" that she didn't see me in the future with her. BUT she said she'd be sad if she never saw me again and wanted me to know she'd always be around, if that's what i wanted. aka friends?! even at this point she's not very clear about wtf she wants from me.

 

she said i had a right to be upset and i could ask her whatever i wanted and she would try to answer. needless to say i pretty much shut down b/c i could not understand wtf she was saying - this literally came out of the blue and she showed no indications of doubting us the entire summer, even in her last letter from july 26 she mentioned stuff we would be doing together when the semester began again. i asked for my letters/postcards back that night, but she didn't have a few postcards and said she'd get them next time she went home. oddly enough, she had several of them posted up on her wall very prominently and was telling me there was no need to destroy our memories. i told her i wasnt but i just needed all my **** back for now. then i drank myself into oblivion with some friends. the next day i ask to talk again b/c i couldn't think at all the previous night.

 

so this is sunday aug 26 and she repeats some of the same **** from last night, but then starts contradicting herself when talking about our relationship, like how she viewed it more as a short-term thing while i was looking long term, how we weren't that serious, etc. i don't feel like i need to get into details here, but this is completely untrue. she definitely was thinking really far into the future about us and always trying to make sure she wasn't just some temporary ho to me. then she's like, the easy thing to do would be to just go back to dating, call it all a joke, but i can't. like why would you even say that?! at last i ask her if she's sure this is what she wants, and she gives me more bull**** like "i'm not sure about anything anymore". it's time to leave and she walks me out of the apt, then to my bike out where everyone can see, then the weirdest thing ever: she grabs my hand before i leave, hugs me with her head in my chest and kisses me on the cheek.

 

we both had to go back home coincidentally enough for the next week or so, and we resume classes september 4, tuesday. what sucks is that we have 3-4 classes together and have to see each other every day. well anyway, that day i asked if she had gotten her postcards and she said yeah, so we agreed to meet up that evening, but i had planned on just giving her back all the ones i took back - i don't really have any use for them. when i roll up in the evening, she pulls some **** like "oh i forgot you were coming by i was in the middle of making dinner come in". so basically she made dinner for us and we caught up a little bit on the going-ons from the previous week out of contact. this time, she actually initiates the whole "wanna talk" thing after I hand back the postcards and admits to me that her decision is hurting alot more now that she sees me every day. we rehash some more **** and i remind her that she basically thought herself insane those last few weeks and none of her reasons make any sense. i suggested she doubt her doubts, which she admitted she had been doing for a while, then i told her I don't know if i can be just friends with you.

 

for the next week or so, she wants to hang out and study alot together and ****, including coming to some little food gathering at her church in the evening. even last thursday, sep 13, we hit the grocery store together and buy a bunch of stuff needed to make some special drink her grandma taught her. we meet up friday evening and cook it up, and i managed to play it pretty cool up until that point, even though i noticed my postcards back up on her wall, but when it was time to leave i cracked and admitted i missed her. she said she actually did too, but maybe we shouldn't hang out so much together if its hurting too much, and she asked me again if i knew if we could be friends, to which i said idk.

 

this week we worked together once and have mostly been out of contact, although she's always making faces and **** at me in class, like we used to do when we were dating. anytime somebody said something stupid/annoying/funny/inside joke we had this look and she has been pretty relentless with it this week and all the previous weeks.

 

ANYWAY, all this to ask yall, what the hell is going on?! Just friends don't hold each other's hands after a breakup or playfully suggest hanging out to "study" only to watch a bunch of youtube videos and eat granola bars. She seems to be confused, but I have no idea what the right strategy is at this point. I really get the impression that out of sight = out of mind for her, so I've been in a limited contact mode, because I'm afraid going NC will just make her forget everything. Even while I was dating her, I knew she tended to overthink things and that's what i feel like is exactly what happened. She was pretty miserable/isolated this summer and had alot of time to herself, which probably sent her mind into some kind of inception spiral. I have never heard of someone literally thinking themselves out of a relationship!! How the **** does that happen and is it reversible?! We never argued and got along so well, clicked on so many levels even if we shared different views on many things (religion, partying, etc.). There was nothing toxic about our relationship I cannot for the life of me see how she convinced herself we weren't working!!! I'm completely certain the distance over the summer contributed greatly to this bull**** breakup, which is why I don't want to just disappear from her life and pull the "we can't be just friends" thing.

 

What should I do if I want to win her back?! I'll go NC if I have to, if I can be convinced its the way to get her back!!! This is one ****ed up situation and all her ****ing mixed signals and **** aren't helping either! Thank you for your patience if you've read this far. This has been sitting on my chest for a while and none of my friends, guys and girls, can figure out wtf happened.

Edited September 21, 2012 by verlassen
additional info

[TaraMaiden]

Yup. Looks like you've been 'friend-zoned' because someone else came along to plough and water her little plot while you were out catching rays....

 

I have to say, it sounds a lot like "while you were out another guy hit the fan".

This is a no-brainer, I'm afraid.

Winning her back is off the table, because there's nothing to win back.

It's gone.

You're history, and being buddies with you relieves her conscience and makes her feel better about what she's done.

It's not for your benefit - it's for hers.

[verlassen]

Physical cheating seems pretty unlikely to be honest, but can emotional cheating do the same thing? I know she had some co-workers that she seemed to speak fondly of.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, emotional cheating is just as bad... her mind should be on you, shouldn't it?

 

Read my "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature.

it tells you all about being on a back-burner, being friend-zoned, being fed breadcrumbs and why they like to try to keep in touch and be 'just friends' - and why this cannot possibly happen, right now.

[verlassen]

Well, guess I'm in for a rough one then. Like I mentioned, we have a bunch of classes together, and we have the same boss at work. Avoiding her is next to impossible, so how should I handle my daily routine, esp at work? Thanks btw for the replies.

[TaraMaiden]

It's in the guide - which incidentally, was penned by a guy in exactly the same situation as you - forced and obliged, by circumstance, to work alongside his ex, 5 days out of 7.

She dumped him - following his own advice, trust me, he came out miles better in the end.

 

You converse only when it is absolutely inevitable and unavoidable.

No small talk, no personal chit chat, just business/studies.

 

"How you doing?" "How's things?" "You ok?"

 

Oh nope.

Just a quick smile in response, then walk away.

 

If they dump you - they no longer have the right to enquire.....

 

Certainly, never accept an invitation to lunch/coffee/a movie/hanging out.

make yourself distant, unavailable and ultimately unapproachable.

 

This is called "Taking Back Control."