NotInProvence Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Hello! So, this is slightly odd and I hope this is the right forum. My partner and I have a poly arrangement where he has me, his soon-to-be wife, and a regular mistress. (This came about as the result of an affair, so to me she is forever the OW.) R and I will be getting married fairly soon, after I have surgery. He mentioned this to OW--and that's where things got weird. She now shows up at our place every day and at all hours, rather than meeting R every couple of weeks or so. She turned up uninvited to a family outing and managed to rearrange the seating so she was next to R while I was several seats away. She has tried to befriend my adopted daughter, who doesn't know of the arrangement and thinks OW is creepy. She even badgered R to see a picture of his mother (who has repeatedly refused to meet her or have anything to do with her). She told me I should find someone on the side because R is (according to her) a bad lover. (She must have been with his pod person then.) She claimed to have cyber-stalked me. She also started telling me lies about R--bizarre ones like he defecated in her bed, as well as several that were easy to disprove. I just...I don't get it! What should I do?
Owl Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Avoid entangling yourself further in the whole situation? Why are you accepting this relationship if you still view her as the "OW" after his affair? If you're ok with it, and he's ok with it, and she's ok with it...then the THREE of you need to sit down, draw out boundaries, and clearly COMMUNICATE what is acceptable and what is not. If you're not ok with it...why are you still in any kind of relationship with him? 2
veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Why are you marrying this guy who doesn't see the damage he's doing to you? Why do you think you are okay with a poly arrangement, when you clearly are not? I think you need to focus on the fiancée. The OW is just proof of his poor judgment.
Author NotInProvence Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Avoid entangling yourself further in the whole situation? Why are you accepting this relationship if you still view her as the "OW" after his affair? If you're ok with it, and he's ok with it, and she's ok with it...then the THREE of you need to sit down, draw out boundaries, and clearly COMMUNICATE what is acceptable and what is not. If you're not ok with it...why are you still in any kind of relationship with him? Heh, believe me, it's tempting to run. Everything seemed okay as long as she stayed "in her place," but now she is constantly everywhere. I will take your advice about setting boundaries--in fact, I just spoke to R and we are going to meet with her about them. Thanks for replying!
Author NotInProvence Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Why are you marrying this guy who doesn't see the damage he's doing to you? Why do you think you are okay with a poly arrangement, when you clearly are not? I think you need to focus on the fiancée. The OW is just proof of his poor judgment. I will be honest--part of it is because he is paying for my surgery. (Insurance won't, even though my jaw will only deteriorate without it.) After that, I don't know. If they are not willing to agree to boundaries, I think I am done tbh. I don't like being triggered all the time.
GLDheart Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 ...it is because he is paying for my surgery... So you are using him. No problem then. But get off of that high moral horse you're riding.
ComingInHot Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I am confused. So are you engaged to be married to the guy who is married or engaged to someone else? Or are you involved with a man with three lovers and you are engaged to someone else, "R"? Sorry, just don't see the whole picture yet...*
GLDheart Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 (edited) I am confused. So are you engaged to be married to the guy who is married or engaged to someone else? Or are you involved with a man with three lovers and you are engaged to someone else, "R"? HAhaha. The wording (or better said, punctuation) is VERY confusing: ...he has me, his soon-to-be wife, and a regular mistress... But the way I read it is that the OP is the "soon to be wife" and there is ONE extra woman involved the "forever OW". Edited September 20, 2012 by GLDheart 1
todreaminblue Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Hello! So, this is slightly odd and I hope this is the right forum. My partner and I have a poly arrangement where he has me, his soon-to-be wife, and a regular mistress. (This came about as the result of an affair, so to me she is forever the OW.) R and I will be getting married fairly soon, after I have surgery. He mentioned this to OW--and that's where things got weird. She now shows up at our place every day and at all hours, rather than meeting R every couple of weeks or so. She turned up uninvited to a family outing and managed to rearrange the seating so she was next to R while I was several seats away. She has tried to befriend my adopted daughter, who doesn't know of the arrangement and thinks OW is creepy. She even badgered R to see a picture of his mother (who has repeatedly refused to meet her or have anything to do with her). She told me I should find someone on the side because R is (according to her) a bad lover. (She must have been with his pod person then.) She claimed to have cyber-stalked me. She also started telling me lies about R--bizarre ones like he defecated in her bed, as well as several that were easy to disprove. I just...I don't get it! What should I do? huge plus mess with three characters (word association) you are in a bad situation....extract the you from the equation.....for you for you own benefit and a definite thinking of the long term effects conclusion....deb
ComingInHot Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 AhhHahaha . I get it now! And my advice is..... Ya, sorry, I got nothing. 1
eleanorrigby Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 (edited) OK so if I'm reading things correctly, it sounds like your fiance cheated on you with this OW and some how you and your fiance decided that though you didn't like the deception a poly relationship is something you don't mind/would like. If my understanding is correct, then I think you need to talk to your fiance about breaking up with this OW and finding someone not so crazy. And one that agrees to the parameters of the three way. I don't think this woman wants to be in a poly situation, she appears to be jockeying for position with you, with hope of edging you out completely. Edited September 21, 2012 by eleanorrigby 1
Author NotInProvence Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 So you are using him. No problem then. But get off of that high moral horse you're riding. Touché. That is fair. It's funny...I have loved R for so long, and when something like this happens.... I realize I honestly can't say I still do. If all I can think is, "What's in it for me?" then it's time to go. I will work overtime and pay for my own surgery. 2
Author NotInProvence Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 HAhaha. The wording (or better said, punctuation) is VERY confusing: But the way I read it is that the OP is the "soon to be wife" and there is ONE extra woman involved the "forever OW". Yes, that is correct. Oh my gosh I am embarrassed now. I was an English major! 1
Author NotInProvence Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 OK so if I'm reading things correctly, it sounds like your fiance cheated on you with this OW and some how you and your fiance decided that though you didn't like the deception a poly relationship is something you don't mind/would like. If my understanding is correct, then I think you need to talk to your fiance about breaking up with this OW and finding someone not so crazy. And one that agrees to the parameters of the three way. I don't think this woman wants to be in a poly situation, she appears to be jockeying for position with you, with hope of edging you out completely. Exactly. The deception was my biggest problem. I am actually pretty indifferent to the poly side of things. I was wondering that myself--although with the things pointed out to me here, perhaps it is just time for me to let her have him.
eleanorrigby Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Exactly. The deception was my biggest problem. I am actually pretty indifferent to the poly side of things. I was wondering that myself--although with the things pointed out to me here, perhaps it is just time for me to let her have him. Unless I was madly in love, that's exactly what I would do. 1
Author NotInProvence Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Yeah, when I go from "Oh my gosh, I can't wait to see him!" to this...time to go. Now to figure out how to break it to my daughter, who adores him.
ThatJustHappened Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Yeah, when I go from "Oh my gosh, I can't wait to see him!" to this...time to go. Now to figure out how to break it to my daughter, who adores him. Just remember that in the long run, splitting with this man and his nutcase OW is much better for her. She doesn't need this mess in her life.
Author NotInProvence Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 So true! She needs to focus on school now (pre-med student). This is the last thing she needs.
GLDheart Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 ...perhaps it is just time for me to let her have him. I think you are on the right track. In my own situation: the "prize" that I walked away from, by the very acts that caused me to want to end things, became no "prize" worth having.
Author NotInProvence Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 *nodnod* I have been reading these boards for a while and--wow. I have so much respect for the majority of the people here. It will be strange to move on. I have known R since I was a child and have loved him for years. He went through several health problems and a prolonged period of unemployment--and you can bet it wasn't OW supporting him through all of it. He had the affair when things were finally turning around. I suppose I became bitter and wanted to "get mine"-- but bah. I refuse to sink to that level. Thanks for the reality check.
GLDheart Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 ...It will be strange to move on... ...and (allthough sometimes scary) in some ways it's invigorating. You sound like a pretty level headed individual, and pretty fun (we know you're open to some wild relationship options) too!! Who knows, maybe posturing and taking action with some good boundaries can "wake" R up in time to re-earn you. Good luck. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I feeli like I am coming into this conversation kinda late since you have already decided to cut this guy off but I have a feeling he won't go away so easily so please forgive me if I pile on for a moment. From everything I have read and seen, a polyamorous relationship requires an immense amount of trust and open communication (some of the first being about boundaries that would safeguard the primary couple). In your case, this concept began when your fiance had an affair, right? Right off the bat you have one huge red flag in regards to trust. Somehow the fiance hits the cheater's super jackpot and his betrayed fiance says she's cool with polyamory, and then it turns out that the OW is psycho and jockeying for position (yours). This would be huge red flag number 2. The fact that the polyamorous relationship developed this way and you haven't yet set boundaries that work for both of you is red flag #3. I might consider you staying with him if he was dumping this OW since she wacko but I'm guessing he's "in lurve" with her or something. He should have serious concerns about how this is affecting you. Crazy lies about him defacating in her bed and he's all good with her? Long story short, you are pushing too hard for this polyamorous relationship. Don't feel too badly as most betrayed people go to some lengths to try to salvage something from the nuke that was dropped on us and the relationship. It takes a while to realize that they really weren't the person we thought they were anyway and to start to let go. From a third party standpoint, I recommend that you do what you have already decided upon. Let the guy go. The cheater and his psycho OW can have each other. Your family will be proud of that decision and I think you can walk away being able to quite seriously say that you did what you could. You do sound like a pretty strong person to me so I suspect some man is going to be pleasantly surprised at your liberal approach to love if he is good enough to catch your heart. This one ain't good enough. I think your tougher problem will be if/when your fiance decides he is done with the crazy OW and wants you and you alone. His super jackpot fantasy bubble is about to burst. I think you will then question your resolve (but shouldn't). He's shown you who he is. Believe him. And for goodness sake, please don't marry the guy. It didn't take much from some anonymous people on the internet to convince you to drop the guy; that should be a red flag for you about marrying him. Not trying to give you a low blow, just some clarity about how continuing the engagement is probably not smart. It's hard for a bride to cancel a wedding but clearly, your reasons for staying need to be better. Best of luck to you. 1
skydiveaddict Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Hello! So, this is slightly odd and I hope this is the right forum. My partner and I have a poly arrangement where he has me, his soon-to-be wife, and a regular mistress. Yea right. There's a perfect formula for a marriage. Where are you gonig to be married; in a zoo? 1
Author NotInProvence Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 After getting some comfort food in my stomach and turning in early, I have realized that leaving is the right decision. I think my mind was nearly made up, but I needed some outside objectivity. Thank you. I can't try anymore. He can have the nut job. Do I think he will regret it and try to come crawling back to me? Yes--if he can find me. I don't plan to make that easy. The harder I am to find, the longer I have to steel my resolve. I wonder f there would be any point in repeating the horrible accusations she made about his mother (as I am on my way out the door,mind). Hmmm...nah. Thanks, everyone; maybe someday I can pay it forward. 2
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