Just Married...

[Denver22]

Hi everyone!

 

I've joined this forum in order to get some advise on how to manage a stressful situation I'm currently living with my newlywed wife.

 

We've been together for almost 6 years. Living together for almost 3 years, and just recently got married a month ago.

 

 

I don't want to make this a long story, I'll get to the point quickly:

 

I seem to get very upset/angry with some of the "questions" she makes.

a few examples of the type of questions that upset me:

 

"why did you break the glass?"

"why did you put the baby to sleep with his slippers on?"

 

It seems to me that I'm being accused of intentionally breaking the glass. That does not seem fair to me! Does she not contemplate the possibility of the glass breaking by accident?? This is driving me nuts!! If I respond to these questions, I'm accepting the accusation that in fact I did break the glass.

 

Louis C.K. clearly and very comically states this situation on this video:

 

That is exactly what happens to me.

 

I would appreciate some advise on how to proceed with these "tricky" questions.

[TigerCub]

You've lived with her for 3 years, in all that time did she not act like this? Is this a new thing that started just after getting married?

 

ETA: That would be very annoying btw.

[january2011]

These sound like minor 'tip of the iceberg' questions coming from someone who is feeling irritable and thus the accusatory tone.

 

I don't think she actually cares about the answer to these questions and therefore any attempt to answer the questions will be 'wrong' because the answer is irrelevant. She just wants to blame you for something because she's annoyed.

 

She may or may not be annoyed with you. Sometimes we can direct our irritation and anger at someone close to us because they are there and available. An easy target, if you will.

 

If I were you, I'd ask what's really on her mind. Dig deeper. Be more observant. Is she tired from looking after the baby? Do you help out when you are at home so that she gets a break? Is her healthy okay? Is something else worrying her? Money? Household chores? Family? Baby's health? Baby not sleeping well?

[Denver22]

It is very annoying and usually evolves into a larger discussing about something completely unrelated.

 

During the 3 years we've lived together she did make this type of questions, but it was not very often.

[stillafool]

So what is she suppose to say when you have done something that makes her angry? Is she suppose to keep it to herself? I think she meant "how did you break the glass, not why. What was wrong with her asking you why you put the baby to bed with his shoes on? Would you prefer she said, "Don't put the baby to bed with his shoes on" or do you know better than to put the baby to sleep with his shoes on and just forgot?

[january2011]

It is very annoying and usually evolves into a larger discussing about something completely unrelated.

 

That's why the answer is irrelevant. These questions are a cry for help.

 

If your aim is to sort this out and clear the air, then dig deeper. Otherwise, your annoyance will only continue and most likely culminate into a much bigger argument.

 

Your wife needs you to listen to her and to feel safe and secure in coming to you with whatever it is that's bothering her.

[Denver22]

These sound like minor 'tip of the iceberg' questions coming from someone who is feeling irritable and thus the accusatory tone.

 

I don't think she actually cares about the answer to these questions and therefore any attempt to answer the questions will be 'wrong' because the answer is irrelevant. She just wants to blame you for something because she's annoyed.

 

that's exactly what I thought....any answer I could give will still be irrelevant and will not change anything.

 

She may or may not be annoyed with you. Sometimes we can direct our irritation and anger at someone close to us because they are there and available. An easy target, if you will.

 

If I were you, I'd ask what's really on her mind. Dig deeper. Be more observant. Is she tired from looking after the baby? Do you help out when you are at home so that she gets a break? Is her healthy okay? Is something else worrying her? Money? Household chores? Family? Baby's health? Baby not sleeping well?

 

thanks for your comment, this really helps to actually understand what is going on behind these tricky questions.

 

giving some more thought about this situation, I am aware that she is annoyed at me for many reasons. basically our financial situation. she wants to quit her job and spend more time with the baby but our financial situation does not allow for only one of us to work full time. I completely understand her in this aspect, and I truly would like for her to be a stay at home mom.

 

of course this is just the tip of the ice berg as you put it.

 

maybe I'll start another thread, I really don't know how you guys proceed around here in the forums. because I have many things I need to vent/rant about.

[Denver22]

So what is she suppose to say when you have done something that makes her angry?

 

she always seems to be angry at me for some reason. even if I do chores around the house, take care of baby, buy groceries...she will find something to be angry at me.

[Janesays]

I'd answer every question with an big grin and say, "Because I'm an EEEEVIL man! EEEVIL! Diabolical GENIUS, you might say!"

 

A ridiculous question deserves a ridiculous answer. Just be careful not to be contemptuous or exasperated when you reply. Humor is the key.

[Denver22]

I've tried that type of response...only gets me into more trouble.

 

my response to: "why did you put the baby to sleep with his slippers on?"

was: "oh I guess I'm just the WORST DAD EVER, shame on me!"

 

she definitively does NOT understand my kind of sarcastic humoristic remarks..

and I'm worried that this is something I won't be able to change from my personality.

I'm sarcastic, and she takes everything I say seriously.

 

I think january2011 is correct in his observations. I will have to be more alert on the things that irritates her. But for now, after the big fight a few nights ago, I think we're going through the "silence" period.

[Balzac]

This reads as a fundamental communication problem. She hasn't mastered the use of "I" statements, expressing her wants and feelings. Instead she asks questions to set you up.

 

I understand your endeavor to get to the larger issue but absent acquisition of a skill set for effective communication, you're headed for continued troubles.

 

Her wish to be a SAHM after the fact is not a useful discussion. I'm never sure where the concept comes from as finances were known 9 months prior.

It's a problem for many new mothers to find fault with how new fathers perform infant care tasks. Fathers have every right to develop their own style. Why the big deal about slippers in the crib?

[BetheButterfly]

Hi everyone!

 

I've joined this forum in order to get some advise on how to manage a stressful situation I'm currently living with my newlywed wife.

 

We've been together for almost 6 years. Living together for almost 3 years, and just recently got married a month ago.

 

 

I don't want to make this a long story, I'll get to the point quickly:

 

I seem to get very upset/angry with some of the "questions" she makes.

a few examples of the type of questions that upset me:

 

"why did you break the glass?"

"why did you put the baby to sleep with his slippers on?"

 

It seems to me that I'm being accused of intentionally breaking the glass. That does not seem fair to me! Does she not contemplate the possibility of the glass breaking by accident?? This is driving me nuts!! If I respond to these questions, I'm accepting the accusation that in fact I did break the glass.

 

Louis C.K. clearly and very comically states this situation on this video:

 

That is exactly what happens to me.

 

I would appreciate some advise on how to proceed with these "tricky" questions.

 

The video is hilarious but so sad.

 

About her asking you why, she is just venting her frustration with life on you, that's all.

 

Some people have a hard time controlling their frustration when things don't go perfectly.

 

Once when I was washing dishes and talking to my hubby, a plate accidentally slipped through my soapy fingers and crashed, splitting into pieces. I was so upset with myself! However, my hubby quickly helped me pick up the pieces and consoled me. I felt so clumsy. Now, if he had told me "Why did you break that?" I would have freaked out because I would have felt even worse about myself.

 

When I was married to my first husband, he let me know whenever I made a mistake. He is a perfectionist, and I am very not perfect but rather easygoing, so it was very difficult for both of us. He made me feel worse when I accidentally did something, not better.

 

It is possible that your wife does not know how to react when accidents happen. Maybe her parents or another person scolded her and made her feel bad when she broke something on accident? How did her parents treat her? If she was married before, how did he treat her?

 

Now, once she breaks something accidentally (and it is likely someday she will) then you can help her and not ask her "why..." and talk about how reactions can help or hurt the situation and connection you to have. Also, if you would like to sit her down sometime and ask her if people in her past were frustrated with her, maybe that would help? Maybe that is the issue?

 

People often treat others how they were treated.

 

By the way, both my husband and I make it a point now that I don't talk to him while washing dishes. I concentrate on what I'm doing, then we enjoy chatting. That helped solve that problem, though of course it doesn't guarantee that I will never break a dish again. I try not to though.

Edited September 22, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[2sure]

Could she be annoyed that while she was pregnant you were screwing your coworker? Or is it that she became more annoying after you started screwing your coworker? A lot of times, these things are related.

[strongnrelaxed]

Dude, I think your wife is on this forum. Her name is MME "famous poet".

 

Sorry. I didn't want to be the one to tell you.

 

Seriously though, you are screwed. If you stay she will dish this out on you forever. If you have ever made a mistake in the past, it will be held over your head forever - any small or large thing - it is a life sentence.

 

If you can no longer take it, and you file for divorce, god help you.

 

If you stay and deal with it, she will see you as a weak pathetic fool and she will cheat on you.

 

If you get too strong with her, you are an abuser.

 

Welcome to modern marriage. Thank a feminist.

Edited October 19, 2012 by strongnrelaxed
d

[TiredFamilyGuy]

she always seems to be angry at me for some reason. even if I do chores around the house, take care of baby, buy groceries...she will find something to be angry at me.

 

I lived that, for twelve years. A faultfinding angry spouse, who makes you walk on eggshells is awful. You must do something.

 

First thing, communication. You need to make the time, which probably means get a babysitter. You do not want to be doing this last thing at night.

 

Second, say clearly to your spouse, you need to talk. Just agree to intend to use the time for talking about each others needs. Each of you has to agree not to stalk off, be abusive, or go silent. Write down each of your needs of the other (a bonus, would be to guess what the other has put down also). Then discuss. It will bring up the wanting to be a stay at home mother thing.

 

Third. Take a deep look at the division of labour. Sounds like she may have a job plus most of the domestic stuff. If she does, and you are looking the other way, then seek not much further for the reason for irritable spouse. Look at grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, childcare (mornings, evenings, nights, washing, feeding, changing ....). All goes into the pot, including work commitments, these are not sacrosanct. If you can't decide what's fair, use the "One cuts, other chooses" as near as your schedules permit. Don't get too picky.

 

Fourth. Consider getting a cleaner. Seriously. I have done this - it works. If the stuff a cleaner would do currently falls mostly into what your wife does, this may be a strong indicator that the division is not currently equal.

 

In my case I left it too long, time enough for my kids to get to teenagehood while my wife fumed and refused to seriously talk with me. Don't wait - communicate.

Edited October 19, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Denver22]

Could she be annoyed that while she was pregnant you were screwing your coworker? Or is it that she became more annoying after you started screwing your coworker? A lot of times, these things are related.

 

she doesn't know about my affair. she has a suspicion but never got to confirm anything.

 

Dude, I think your wife is on this forum. Her name is MME "famous poet".

 

Sorry. I didn't want to be the one to tell you.

 

Seriously though, you are screwed. If you stay she will dish this out on you forever. If you have ever made a mistake in the past, it will be held over your head forever - any small or large thing - it is a life sentence.

 

If you can no longer take it, and you file for divorce, god help you.

 

If you stay and deal with it, she will see you as a weak pathetic fool and she will cheat on you.

 

If you get too strong with her, you are an abuser.

 

Welcome to modern marriage. Thank a feminist.

 

this is so true...she's always bringing back how I was out with the "guys having a beer" while she had to take care of the kid, the house and everything while we were separated.

[Denver22]

she always seems to be angry at me for some reason. even if I do chores around the house, take care of baby, buy groceries...she will find something to be angry at me.

 

I lived that, for twelve years. A faultfinding angry spouse, who makes you walk on eggshells is awful. You must do something.

 

First thing, communication. You need to make the time, which probably means get a babysitter. You do not want to be doing this last thing at night.

 

Second, say clearly to your spouse, you need to talk. Just agree to intend to use the time for talking about each others needs. Each of you has to agree not to stalk off, be abusive, or go silent. Write down each of your needs of the other (a bonus, would be to guess what the other has put down also). Then discuss. It will bring up the wanting to be a stay at home mother thing.

 

Third. Take a deep look at the division of labour. Sounds like she may have a job plus most of the domestic stuff. If she does, and you are looking the other way, then seek not much further for the reason for irritable spouse. Look at grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, childcare (mornings, evenings, nights, washing, feeding, changing ....). All goes into the pot, including work commitments, these are not sacrosanct. If you can't decide what's fair, use the "One cuts, other chooses" as near as your schedules permit. Don't get too picky.

 

Fourth. Consider getting a cleaner. Seriously. I have done this - it works. If the stuff a cleaner would do currently falls mostly into what your wife does, this may be a strong indicator that the division is not currently equal.

 

In my case I left it too long, time enough for my kids to get to teenagehood while my wife fumed and refused to seriously talk with me. Don't wait - communicate.

 

 

 

communication is one of our biggest problems. we can't talk about anything, every talk turns out into a discussion.

 

I'm the kind of person who is always looking to improve things, I love researching stuff about parenting and couples relationships. but every time I try suggest something she takes it for criticism. for example...We're trying to educate our kid without any kind of spanking or screaming. So I tell her: "talk to him like he's an adult, he can understand you, don't scream at him and give him all that rant, he's too small to understand that things cost money"...etc etc...

 

 

this might be due to her insecurities, low self-esteem. and it's not helping us as a couple.

 

how can I help her?

 

oh by the way, she's the kind of person who thinks she is fine the way she is, and does not need help from anyone.

 

[VeveCakes]

So you cheat on her and you think there is nothing else that you could be doing that makes her this way? Get over yourself, way to try and justify your slimy ways.

[woinlove]

she doesn't know about my affair. she has a suspicion but never got to confirm anything.

 

 

Do you think there is a connection with how you interact and react to your W and your affair? Usually affairs bring up a lot of emotions that can last well beyond the end of the A, there may be attachment to the affair partner, guilt, entitlement, etc. The emotions are almost certainly going to spill over into how you interact with your W. Or do you think you can completely compartmentalize and shut down all feelings associated with your A?

 

I think open and honest communication is essential for having a good marriage, but are you doing your part to contribute to this?

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Man, you had a secret affair while she was pregnant. You blithely assume she should be OK because she has nothing but suspicions? You go sit in a bar?

 

My sympathy seems to have gone somewhere else. Can't control it. A bit like your d*ck.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

JustAPoster

 

The OP may have his head stuck up his ass. I think we agree on that.

 

As an aside though I get the feeling you see division of domestic labour as the only problem that can exist between man and woman. It's not, of course. Sometimes it can be childhood issues, sexual desires, anxiety, other neuroses. My wife didn't talk to me for a decade because she was lost in addiction to therapy and anger issues with her mother - I was the one busting my ass while she neglected things. What I'm saying is, don't be the person with a hammer treating every problem like a nail. Otherwise we will not be able to support people well.

 

Otherwise, we got a good "nice cop, bad cop" thing going here. Me the nice cop, obviously. You the scary bad cop "We know you're guilty, MF!".

 

OP - back to you. What is your response to the division-of-labour question?

Edited October 21, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Denver22]

Man, you had a secret affair while she was pregnant. You blithely assume she should be OK because she has nothing but suspicions? You go sit in a bar?

 

My sympathy seems to have gone somewhere else. Can't control it. A bit like your d*ck.

 

 

she was not pregnant while I had the affair. our kid was almost 1 year old.

we got separated for a few months and that is when the affair happened. we did not have any kind of agreement on dating/sex during our separation, we thought it was for good, until the affair ended and I went back home with my wife and kid.

 

 

 

 

JustAPoster

 

The OP may have his head stuck up his ass. I think we agree on that.

 

As an aside though I get the feeling you see division of domestic labour as the only problem that can exist between man and woman. It's not, of course. Sometimes it can be childhood issues, sexual desires, anxiety, other neuroses. My wife didn't talk to me for a decade because she was lost in addiction to therapy and anger issues with her mother - I was the one busting my ass while she neglected things. What I'm saying is, don't be the person with a hammer treating every problem like a nail. Otherwise we will not be able to support people well.

 

Otherwise, we got a good "nice cop, bad cop" thing going here. Me the nice cop, obviously. You the scary bad cop "We know you're guilty, MF!".

 

OP - back to you. What is your response to the division-of-labour question?

 

Third. Take a deep look at the division of labour. Sounds like she may have a job plus most of the domestic stuff. If she does, and you are looking the other way, then seek not much further for the reason for irritable spouse. Look at grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, childcare (mornings, evenings, nights, washing, feeding, changing ....). All goes into the pot, including work commitments, these are not sacrosanct. If you can't decide what's fair, use the "One cuts, other chooses" as near as your schedules permit. Don't get too picky.

 

 

hey I work too, go pick up the baby from grandma's house, we take the bus back home, when I get home I have like 40 minutes to "relax" (you can never relax with a toddler); then I start making dinner for the baby, feed him, get him ready for bed.

 

so I do take care of some of the chores in the house, but it is very demotivating for me to spend time preparing dinner for the family and when she gets home from work, she skips dinner and goes straight to bed.

[woinlove]

Denver, you say you've been together for 6 years, and living together for 3 years before getting married. Also, you decided to have a child together. This suggests the R was better at some point. I'm not sure where your A fits in as it seems to have filled your entire separation time (4 months?) and it sounds like you were already friends before? Do you think you were having an EA before the separation, i.e. confiding in the OW about your relationship problems, forming an emotional bond?

 

I'm just wondering how separate all your problems with your W are from the emotional attachment you formed and still have for the OW. I do think transferring one's emotional closeness to another woman can strongly interfere with one's relationship. It is not just the period during which you are having sex that affects the relationship. I suspect you will not have a good relationship with anyone until you move on from your attachment to the OW (given that an out in the open R with the OW is out of the question). I would start there. Do you really want to get over the OW and do you think that is possible while continuing to work with her? Maybe you need some professional help for this. I suppose you can try to work on problems with your W at the same time, but I think while you are in love with another woman, you will not have a good M no matter what your wife does or does not do.

[Denver22]

Denver, you say you've been together for 6 years, and living together for 3 years before getting married. Also, you decided to have a child together. This suggests the R was better at some point. I'm not sure where your A fits in as it seems to have filled your entire separation time (4 months?) and it sounds like you were already friends before? Do you think you were having an EA before the separation, i.e. confiding in the OW about your relationship problems, forming an emotional bond?

 

I'm just wondering how separate all your problems with your W are from the emotional attachment you formed and still have for the OW. I do think transferring one's emotional closeness to another woman can strongly interfere with one's relationship. It is not just the period during which you are having sex that affects the relationship. I suspect you will not have a good relationship with anyone until you move on from your attachment to the OW (given that an out in the open R with the OW is out of the question). I would start there. Do you really want to get over the OW and do you think that is possible while continuing to work with her? Maybe you need some professional help for this. I suppose you can try to work on problems with your W at the same time, but I think while you are in love with another woman, you will not have a good M no matter what your wife does or does not do.

 

 

it's true the affair did fill up the time of our separation, and we did start out as friends. the EA situation maybe a possibility...I did and continue to confide in OW with my relationship problems...so I guess this affair started as a PA and ended up as EA.

currently the affair is over and I'm left with my feelings towards OW and the emotional bond. OW has nothing to do with this, once the A was over things between us were not the same, she stopped confiding me with her problems, we now talk everyday but on a more superficial level.

 

 

Do you really want to get over the OW and do you think that is possible while continuing to work with her?

 

I really do want to get over OW, but the emotional bond is very strong. I've shared with her a lot of things besides the sex. We became really good friends.

I can only see myself getting over the OW if one of us changes job. otherwise this will continue.