adam4little Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Hello everyone This girl and I were friends for about a year-she moved to Ireland and discovered while there she was in love with me. She came back and we tried. Fast forward a year later and I get this great job offer two hours away teaching at a University. Anyway she cannot go with me because she is in her last year of undergrad (she is 21 and I am 25) so she says 'well why don't you live with me on the weekends/breaks and pay a little rent here or there?' So I go to school and start the program-after the third week I notice she is acting a bit different. I go home that weekend to visit her and see her phone light up and she is talking to this dude. She tells me they work together and he excites her. I ask to see her phone convo-and its very flirtatious. She is very adamant about them hanging out getting drinks etc. So I am hurt and I say I need space she freaks out and says she would do anything to have me back in her life. The weekend is very tumultuous. On the day before I leave-we have settled everything-she says she loves me and I am THE guy she wants to settle down with. she said she already knows this and this depresses her because she realizes (through the guy at work a fellow activist he is 30 btw) that she NEEDS to do activist work and that isn't my thing. She cries and says she loves me and that right now is what matters to her. I go back to school and call her late at night really upset and just wanting to talk and ask why she talked to this guy. She tells me I need space and then goes off to a mandatory store meeting at 1130 ish. I get a text from her at 3 am saying she loves me and we need space from each other. next day I call her and she says it is over she told the landlord Im not moving in anymore and thats that. She keeps saying she loves me and she wants to get together one day even though she realizes it is no guarantee. I did the opposite of what I felt and I agreed with her and told her I can't be her friend (she said she wanted to keep me in her life because I enrich it-that sucks to hear) right now and I held back my tears and said Id talk to her when I talked to her. We have had no contact for about a day. Am I doing the right thing? What the hell happened here?
Mike_d Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 GIGS you did right, go NC - no social networking, texts, phone etc - else you'll just end up in the rollercoaster of back and forth with her. let her miss you, if she really wants to come back she'll break doors down to get to you. till then she's not doing that and you need to work on moving on. actions are sooooo much more important than words from her. her words are worthless, actions rule all.
Author adam4little Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 This is very hard, but I'm doing it.
Mike_d Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 it's crazy hard, brutally hard. but I think down deep you know its the right thing, keep it up, you're doing great
Author adam4little Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks Mike. What about my stuff at our old place? My guitar/amp and 300+ books?
Mike_d Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 rent a tiny storage unit nearby, get a lock with 2 keys and put it on the storage door. get a bunch of empty boxes that would be strong enough for you books and put them in there. send her a letter with the key to the storage lock, ask her this, and only this -> Hi, This is a key to the storage unit I rented, I've loaded it with some boxes for my books. If you could put my books and amp and guitar in there and then notify the office, they'll give me a call. Thanks - or - you can ask a friend to intervene for you, but you'd want to help them help you, boxes, list of things. there are other possibilities but these are a start
Author adam4little Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 So I don't know what to do. I called her last night and she was very irritable. She was out with the dude and a bunch of other people from work and she didn't want to talk. I asked her straight up if she were seeing him cause I thought it was fair to me to know and she said no and that she never would. She said our relationship ended because she believes in a future so much with me that she doesn't want to ruin it now with the distance and the little fighting we've been doing. She kept saying she wants to be together one day and said she loves me and I said nothing. She then texted me saying she was sorry she just isn't ready to talk. I said it was ok and everything would be ok Then I went out with friends and this girl started hitting on me and I was drunk and depressed so I texted my ex and said I loved her so much and it sucked but I agree that what we are doing is the right thing to do and I think (the mistake I made I think) we will be in each others lives again one day. She wrote back "yeah well I mean I agree totally" I just don't know what to do.
Chi townD Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 So I don't know what to do. I called her last night and she was very irritable. She was out with the dude and a bunch of other people from work and she didn't want to talk. I asked her straight up if she were seeing him cause I thought it was fair to me to know and she said no and that she never would. She said our relationship ended because she believes in a future so much with me that she doesn't want to ruin it now with the distance and the little fighting we've been doing. She kept saying she wants to be together one day and said she loves me and I said nothing. She then texted me saying she was sorry she just isn't ready to talk. I said it was ok and everything would be ok Then I went out with friends and this girl started hitting on me and I was drunk and depressed so I texted my ex and said I loved her so much and it sucked but I agree that what we are doing is the right thing to do and I think (the mistake I made I think) we will be in each others lives again one day. She wrote back "yeah well I mean I agree totally" I just don't know what to do. Seriously dude, you need to wake up. She's seeing this dude. Or is about on the verge to. Look, she says that she loves you and see's a future with you....but....she spends the evening with him. So, you ask if she seeing him and she tells you "no". And she can probably say that confidently because what's going on is probably so new that you really can't put a label on it yet. Sure, this time it was him and some friends. Guarantee you that it will become just her and him really soon. And you can ask her about it and you'll get the "we're just friends." I'm surprised that you didn't get the " he's not the reason that we broke up" speech yet. But, it's still early. Dude, time to go NC on her. Time to heal and move on...because lets face it. She has.
Author adam4little Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 So I told her I didn't want any contact with her anymore because it was too hard for me. This was Friday (the aforementioned conversation). She texts me last night "I don't want to talk but how are you doing?" I was doing better and then I started obsessing about how to respond to this and it brought me back down into the hole. I haven't said anything to her yet and I don't want to. I also don't want to appear to be a passive aggressive dick because Im not saying anything but I really don't want to say anything. Also is the "I don't want to talk" part of her text parroting what I said to her before? I don't understand if she doesn't want to talk then why is she writing to me to begin with. Some help here Thanks
Chi townD Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 First, good job of posting here instead of texting her back. Well, lets break down her text. "I don't want to talk to you but how are you doing?" Translation. " I don't want to talk to you, but the guilt is really getting to me. So, I guess I'll throw you a bone and ask how you're doing even though I could care less. I just want to see where your head is at and gage if you really hate me." Stay silent. Ignore her. Time to heal and move on, dude.
Author adam4little Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 So I called the third roomie (my ex's current roomie) and asked her to find out when my ex was at work so I could move my stuff out. We talked for awhile and I made the mistake of asking about the other guy to which she said she wasn't my informant. She then said my ex is done done-she is sad but she thinks this is what is best for us right now if we are to have a relationship OR friendship in the future. The friendship thing kills me. It has gone from relationship to friendship now. I almost broke No Contact. It was so hard not to do. Im having a really hard time tonight.
Chi townD Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 So I called the third roomie (my ex's current roomie) and asked her to find out when my ex was at work so I could move my stuff out. We talked for awhile and I made the mistake of asking about the other guy to which she said she wasn't my informant. She then said my ex is done done-she is sad but she thinks this is what is best for us right now if we are to have a relationship OR friendship in the future. The friendship thing kills me. It has gone from relationship to friendship now. I almost broke No Contact. It was so hard not to do. Im having a really hard time tonight. That means that she IS, in fact, seeing this other dude and she didn't think that it was her place to tell you and see you go through a lot of pain. If she wasn't seeing this other dude, then the roomie would have no problem telling you that she wasn't (it wouldn't hurt you to know that). She's not your informant, but I can guarantee you she's your Ex's. She going to tell her that you inquired about the other dude. Best thing to do is write this girl off. And screw friendship. If you make positive changes in your life, you're going to have more than enough friends.
Author adam4little Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Why would she be begging me to stay one minute and then all of a sudden just go off with this dude? I don't get it. What do I do? I feel so terrible. This has never happened to me before. I feel like Im worthless and I wasn't fun or something. Two weeks ago-right before the breakup-hell, one week ago when we last spoke-she said she was in love with me...I don't get it. Is it because she is 21 and Im 26? Help me
Author adam4little Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Help me, I just need someone to talk to
Axolotls Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I'm sorry, i don't really know what to say but i feel your pain, i really do. Keep strong and as i'm trying to learn, you need to move on and think about yourself now.
sweetheart5381 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Why would she be begging me to stay one minute and then all of a sudden just go off with this dude? I don't get it. What do I do? I feel so terrible. This has never happened to me before. I feel like Im worthless and I wasn't fun or something. Two weeks ago-right before the breakup-hell, one week ago when we last spoke-she said she was in love with me...I don't get it. Is it because she is 21 and Im 26? Help me This one hurts to read. I'm sorry. Listen to Chi, the advice is spot on. You honestly can't do anything to change what is happening. Your absolute best move is to go no contact and find a focus in your life, any focus other than her. You've been handed a raw deal here but that doesn't mean it was deserved or that you should feel bad for it. It has nothing to do with age, status, or any other bull****. Do your best to avoid everything about her for the time being. Divert your attention til you are ready to address pain/issues in smaller bites. The time will come, don't worry. Take care of you.
Mike_d Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Is it because she is 21 and Im 26? yes, but that doesn't matter now. keep reading here, lots of good advice. look for posts on breadcrumbs and gigs, and for the love of god stay hard cold NC regardless of what she throws at you
Author adam4little Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Received confirmation: she is seeing him. Goodbye and good luck. Now I begin living for ME.
todreaminblue Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Hello everyone This girl and I were friends for about a year-she moved to Ireland and discovered while there she was in love with me. She came back and we tried. Fast forward a year later and I get this great job offer two hours away teaching at a University. Anyway she cannot go with me because she is in her last year of undergrad (she is 21 and I am 25) so she says 'well why don't you live with me on the weekends/breaks and pay a little rent here or there?' So I go to school and start the program-after the third week I notice she is acting a bit different. I go home that weekend to visit her and see her phone light up and she is talking to this dude. She tells me they work together and he excites her. I ask to see her phone convo-and its very flirtatious. She is very adamant about them hanging out getting drinks etc. So I am hurt and I say I need space she freaks out and says she would do anything to have me back in her life. The weekend is very tumultuous. On the day before I leave-we have settled everything-she says she loves me and I am THE guy she wants to settle down with. she said she already knows this and this depresses her because she realizes (through the guy at work a fellow activist he is 30 btw) that she NEEDS to do activist work and that isn't my thing. She cries and says she loves me and that right now is what matters to her. I go back to school and call her late at night really upset and just wanting to talk and ask why she talked to this guy. She tells me I need space and then goes off to a mandatory store meeting at 1130 ish. I get a text from her at 3 am saying she loves me and we need space from each other. next day I call her and she says it is over she told the landlord Im not moving in anymore and thats that. She keeps saying she loves me and she wants to get together one day even though she realizes it is no guarantee. I did the opposite of what I felt and I agreed with her and told her I can't be her friend (she said she wanted to keep me in her life because I enrich it-that sucks to hear) right now and I held back my tears and said Id talk to her when I talked to her. We have had no contact for about a day. Am I doing the right thing? What the hell happened here? i am sorry to hear you are having a rough time, she is not into you as much as you are into her .....wanting to do activist work should not be a priority over the relationship if she was actively interested in you...if she truly loved you there would be no hesitation in making a life with you...saying this guy excites her is not very subtle its directly in conflict with her telling you she loves you...its one or the other...it should be you that excites her.....she should be active in admitting that..texting other guys is out in a relationship even friendly conversations can turn flirtatious ...if they happen frequently enough...in my opinion texting another guy is out in a committed relationship...unless it is work related i guess or something that you pursue together that you are aware of............find someone who cares about you more than actively seeking to pursue other interests the relationship is not progressing.....good luck....best wishes you deserve more than what you are getting.....deb
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