MM leaving his wife

[Mme. Chaucer]

Who said her life remained static? She didn't.

 

Okay, maybe I could have phrased that better. I don't know if her life has been static.

 

But she did say:

ended everything with him over one year ago, except for some sporadic contact from time to time, as "friends".

 

This does not jibe with "I love him, I know he loves me, we belong together."

 

These are two different stories altogether.

 

If everything was ended except for sporadic contact as friends, that ought to be the status quo right this moment, divorcing or not.

 

If he wants to get married and have babies, he will propose marriage to her and it will be up to her to reevaluate their so-called "friendship," and accept or decline.

[Mino]

You love the man in the affair, You do not know the "real" Him... You think you do, but you dont, The man in a affair, recreates himself to someone he is not... fantatasy man...

[Mino]

You sound very naive.... Im sure you want all the happy things a family represents... But you need to put your head around the fact that married men who cheat are broken souls... You are a nice soft landing spot where he thinks he can do a "do over" on... May be get it right this time... lol But at the end of the day.... he is still broken... He needs therapy to realize what he has done... time to heal... and maybe 3-4 years down the road start fresh... Are you willing to wait that long, and date others and not see him? Is he willing to do the time and work? Didnt think so.... so you will remember this thread down the road...when its to late... and your stuck...your fairytale will end of turning into a nightmare, and the worst part, you miss the greatest gift on earth, becoming a mother and having a secure family.

[AnotherRound]

Hi,

 

I am new here. I am a female who got involved with an unhappy married man over two years ago, and ended everything with him over one year ago, except for some sporadic contact from time to time, as "friends". This summer he let me know he had separated from his wife -- they have been living apart for about six months, and they are now starting divorce proceedings (filing the papers, etc.). I have no doubt the marriage is over, and they are parting as friends.

 

He is 50 years old and wants to be a father. I am 36 and also want to be a mother. I know from my past experience with him that we are exceptionally compatiable, share a deep love (we definitely "fell in love" when we met, and the distance we have had to keep because of his marriage has been the most dificult of my life, though I have tried to "move on" since meeting him by dating others, etc.).

 

I know that he loves me, I know that he agrees we could have a great future together and that he has dreamed about this a lot, as I have. I want to give him room to breathe as a "single man" before we move to an "us" because it seems like that must be important, right? He shouldn't just jump from his wife to me. But I have a lot of anxiety about him suddenly feeling like a "free" man after all this time in a marriage (12 years) and that he'll go out to sew his oats or something. It could just be irrational thinking because he's a good man and I trust him, but I can't imagine most men wouldn't want a time of "freedom" in their lives again after a marriage. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to fall in love with anyone else or get a woman pregnant "by accident".

 

Because of my age (and his) I am anxious to get things moving with him and I, to start building a family. I have been "waiting" for him a long time (although trying, like I said, to also put him behind me, but now maybe I don't need to). Should I put a timeline on it with him? Ask him to be moving things forward with me by (for instance) December or else I end things with him? Or should I be patient, let him regroup for awhile, maybe take a chance and let him have some time as a "single" man so he won't resent me down the road or....?

 

I am at a loss. I truly love him, I know he loves me, I know we would have a great life together. I just am worried if he takes a long time to feel "ready", I might be too old to have a baby. How long should I be patient before trying to move my life on once again after him (which is so hard to do, because he's the only man I wish to have a child with and the ONLY man I have ever loved in the way that I do).

 

Any advice is truly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

Wow, our stories are VERY similar. I can tell you that you will get a lot of advice here, and even quite a bit of judgment. Take what you can from those who are obviously well meaning, and just put the rest on "ignore". It's pointless to try to sift through some of the responses, as there are some folks here who only want to try to hurt others.

 

That being said, I have gotten a lot of great advice here, from all sides of the triangle. My final conclusion (at this point at least), is that exMM needs time. We are similar in age to you and your exMM, so I get the time issue. I just keep thinking that if we rush it, that we are going to ruin any chance we had of building a really solid foundation for the rest of the relationship. And, bringing kids into the mix early would seem certain to complicate things, imo.

 

I am glad to hear that he and his wife are ending their unhappy marriage. Life is too short to be miserable! But, despite the fact that they were unhappy, he will need time to regroup and adjust. To get his head together, so to speak. I am currently NC with my exMM (he is also in the process of divorce, getting ready to sign a settlement and seal the deal), and that is working somewhat. I miss him, and I miss discussing things with him... but he's got a lot to sort out in his head. And obviously, we don't want to do anything that would jeopardize his custody agreements.

 

So, we went NC last week, and left it at letting him handle his divorce on his own, without my help or influence. Then, when it's all said and done, if he still believes that he wants to try to start with me, we will discuss it then.

 

Good luck, it's not an easy situation to decipher, that's for sure. Feel free to read my posts as they have garnered a lot of feedback that would probably be relevant to your situation too.

[AnotherRound]

PS Depending on when he "checked out" of the marriage, the amount of time he will need will vary. If he has been emotionally checked out for years, it may not take him long to regroup after settling all the silly things (assets and such). Often times, people in unhappy marriages, are constantly working themselves towards the divorce - so when the divorce happens, they are already through the harshest part of their letting go and processing.

 

I think it shows strength that he is trying to not rush things with you. It shows that he is trying to do this as right as possible, and I respect that. He is not wanting to make the same mistakes with you that he made with his stbxw and their relationship.

 

I have no doubt that you truly love one another and have a good emotional base to balance on right now. The same is true of my exMM and myself. However, since my exMM is expressing that he isn't quite sure what he should be doing right now, to me, that shows that there is still some conflict in his head. That could be coming from anywhere, not necessarily that he has any issues with you. In fact, my guess is that it is coming more from society's expectations that people SHOULD wait, or that someone shouldn't be able to move on quickly after a divorce.

 

Like I said, often times, people divorcing have been working up to it for years so that by the time they get there, there isn't much processing left to do. They've already done it... they've already thought it all through and created the emotional distance of pulling away from a partner that they are unhappy with. Sometimes fear makes them rubber band back to the partner, even though deep down they KNOW they won't be happy with that partner (and vice versa). But that rubber band effect isn't permanent, and it doesn't last forever. Eventually, they balance out, stop sitting on the extreme ends of the pole, and end up in the middle, where they need to be.

 

Again, good luck. I look forward to seeing how it all works out and hope that everyone involved ends up in a much happier and more fulfilling place.

[veryhappy]

Okay, maybe I could have phrased that better. I don't know if her life has been static.

 

But she did say:

 

This does not jibe with "I love him, I know he loves me, we belong together."

 

These are two different stories altogether.

 

If everything was ended except for sporadic contact as friends, that ought to be the status quo right this moment, divorcing or not.

 

If he wants to get married and have babies, he will propose marriage to her and it will be up to her to reevaluate their so-called "friendship," and accept or decline.

 

 

I agree with you on the friendship part. I had skipped that.

 

Maybe OP can explain.

[melaniemelanie]

Again, many thank yous to all of you, you're all providing food for thought, absolutely. AnotherRound, I really appreciate you sharing your story, too. It does sound like we have many similarities. I will likely write you something more to you in another post.

 

To the person who asked how I know I can love him still, even though we haven't had much contact for a year -- we spent a full year in an affair -- I wasn't proud of that, I'm still not, and it was a huge struggle in my life, it still is. It was a huge struggle in his, too. The past year, we've kept in touch. I used "sporadic" a bit too lightly, maybe. We haven't SEEN one another because neither of us wanted to be in an affair, and I wanted him to focus on his marriage, since he felt like it was important to do so. In that time, yes, I have dated other people -- one I dated quite seriously, but it wasn't meant to be (he broke up with ME, actually...sigh). Since then, I even dated one more man, but he was years younger than me and it just wouldn't work, we weren't in the same places in our lives and my age, it scared him.

 

When I heard from my MM this summer, he let me know he and his wife had separated. He has been living apart from her. A few weeks ago, they went back to counselling and for a few nights, he moved back in. They've really tried, it's the way it should be, to know they have exhausted all efforts. The divorce papers are a formality that will happen. I'm not familiar enough with divorce proceedings to know how that all works. But it won't be a fight, it won't be ugly - -they're parting on good terms, they will still be friends.

 

For me and him, yes, I have a lot of hope. It might be foolish, I suppose that remains to be seen. I don't want to rush him or have him resent me for "pushing" him into something when he's just for the first time in 12 years had time to really breathe. But I admit that I miss him terribly, he's such a part of my day and my life. I have no idea what to do. "Moving on" from him seems impossible, but I might have to try that again. I don't want to waste my life. But I also want to give it a fair chance here, and let him settle a bit, maybe even see what's out there and hope he realises that what he has with me, it's pretty special, it's really really good.

 

I just don't know how much time to give. A year? Six months? Or should I walk away?

 

No contact might be the best thing...I have done that before and he knows why. I just don't know my role in all of this now...we are so close and lean on one another - -do I offer him support as he sorts out after his divorce or keep a distance?

 

I want to do this right, if there is such a thing.

[melaniemelanie]

Hi Another Round,

 

 

Wow, you really made sense to me, and much of what you said is what I have felt deep down has been happening, too. He rubberbanded back a lot in the last two weeks -- so much so that he wanted to all of the sudden be the husband she never had, that he could change. To her credit, truly, she knows that it won't change, and that's why she's been sweet to him about the effort (he convinced her to let him move back home for a few nights) but she's moving things forward. She's already in a better place in her own life, she's finding herself in a way that I have been able to do in my own life as a single woman, and now she's having her chance, too. I don't know her, but it seems good for her. He knows that, too.

 

I'm really hopeful. We found a lot of love and support in one another, and we have the same dreams -- just as people -- in our lives. We want a family, we want happiness. We've each been through a lot over the past few years, and we understand one another really deeply. I can't really imagine a future without him in it and that's why I am so out of sorts. What I had waited/not waited for for so long is happening, and my desire is to rush it because I am so tired of waiting and being alone, but I know he may have more stuff to work out.

 

How long did you agree to be NC for with your man?

[2sunny]

If it were me ---> and I knew a man I had loved was still spending time and energy trying to get back together with another woman (much less his wife) - that alone would tell me he needs a lot of time on his own to find how to be happy without any woman.

 

He's broken - he needs time to heal without any distractions. He has a lot of work to do to recover from a failed marriage. It doesn't happen overnight - it's a process to get to a healthy place. If he CHOOSES not to do his part init - he will remain broken.

[truthbetold]

Hi Another Round,

 

 

Wow, you really made sense to me, and much of what you said is what I have felt deep down has been happening, too. He rubberbanded back a lot in the last two weeks -- so much so that he wanted to all of the sudden be the husband she never had, that he could change. To her credit, truly, she knows that it won't change, and that's why she's been sweet to him about the effort (he convinced her to let him move back home for a few nights) but she's moving things forward. She's already in a better place in her own life, she's finding herself in a way that I have been able to do in my own life as a single woman, and now she's having her chance, too. I don't know her, but it seems good for her. He knows that, too.

 

I'm really hopeful. We found a lot of love and support in one another, and we have the same dreams -- just as people -- in our lives. We want a family, we want happiness. We've each been through a lot over the past few years, and we understand one another really deeply. I can't really imagine a future without him in it and that's why I am so out of sorts. What I had waited/not waited for for so long is happening, and my desire is to rush it because I am so tired of waiting and being alone, but I know he may have more stuff to work out.

 

How long did you agree to be NC for with your man?

 

Please don't be blind to what YOU wrote. If she wouln't want this it wouldn't be happening. Really. The title of your post is VERY misleading in that he isn't leaving, she wants out so he is saying okay fine.

 

Even still he's to be free and tells you he needs time and I agree, anyone that would come out of an affair without doubt needs counseling to figure out why he chose that route and what's broken inside him that causes him to avoid conflict instead of deal with it. He WILL NOT be healthy for a relationship til he figures that out.

 

However from what you wrote it doesn't seem like he's taking that route to strictly better himself. I know you have all this hope in him, but him saying that he wants space now and is being distant is likely to see what else is out there and keep you as the backup plan in case. I am projecting nothing I am only going on what you wrote.

 

Even though he's not in that healthy place for you. It's exactly why you should walk away. To stay on the side lines "waiting" appears that you will take scraps and be treated less than. You should be treated as the woman of his dreams and he would never want to lose you. That's what kind of love you should have from a man and not settle for anything less. Trouble is that's not who he is "now" he may never be so you shouldn't "count" on something happening that may not. Walking away is the key to retaining your self respect.

[AnotherRound]

Hi Another Round,

 

 

Wow, you really made sense to me, and much of what you said is what I have felt deep down has been happening, too. He rubberbanded back a lot in the last two weeks -- so much so that he wanted to all of the sudden be the husband she never had, that he could change. To her credit, truly, she knows that it won't change, and that's why she's been sweet to him about the effort (he convinced her to let him move back home for a few nights) but she's moving things forward. She's already in a better place in her own life, she's finding herself in a way that I have been able to do in my own life as a single woman, and now she's having her chance, too. I don't know her, but it seems good for her. He knows that, too.

 

I'm really hopeful. We found a lot of love and support in one another, and we have the same dreams -- just as people -- in our lives. We want a family, we want happiness. We've each been through a lot over the past few years, and we understand one another really deeply. I can't really imagine a future without him in it and that's why I am so out of sorts. What I had waited/not waited for for so long is happening, and my desire is to rush it because I am so tired of waiting and being alone, but I know he may have more stuff to work out.

 

How long did you agree to be NC for with your man?

 

Yes, our stories seem very similar.

 

ExMM and I were the same, in that I broke it off last year, and we had "sporadic" contact, by telephone only. We weren't seeing each other any longer, and he actually moved on and started seeing another OW (his stbxw was aware).

 

We spoke last week and didn't set a time limit. Basically, I told him that when he is done with the divorce and has truly actively decided where he wants to be, to let me know. I am aware that he may not decide that he wants to be with me, divorce or not, and I'm okay with that (almost hope for it actually, as I'm a bit nervous about having to make the decisions and work out all the logistics, sigh).

 

So, no time limit, it's up to him. And he has been trying to reconcile for some time now, and has been living apart since the divorce started this past February. He has had a LOT of time to sit and think, process, work things out. I think he is still holding on to the marriage for the same reasons that his stbxw is, and eventually, they will let it go, when they are both ready to truly do so. Until then, I want to stay out of it.

 

I don't want to have any influence at all, bc I truly want him to end up exactly where he wants to be. Not only does this seem to assure his happiness, but it somewhat forces him to take responsibility for his decisions - which I think is important right now. That his decisions are made responsibly and that at the end of the day, he is confident that he is where he wants to be.

 

I know it's hard not to rush - esp with the age thing. I do not want children right now, so I'm not too worried about that. But he is at an age where he seems to not want to waste any more time in his life, and I can understand that. He recently said to me that in order for their marriage to work, they would both have to be completely different people. So, he's getting there, to accepting that sometimes, people just aren't "right" for each other. In the meantime, he is having difficulty allowing his life to change so drastically, as it freaks him out.

 

I have always been his primary emotional support, and it does hurt me to have to pull that from him now. But, these are all decisions that he needs to make on his own, imo. So, I'm giving him the space and time to do that. I am still dating others (as I have been since last year) and my life continues right along. If it ends up that he doesn't get divorced (unlikely at this point, but could happen), or moves on and doesn't want to be with me, then my life will not be negatively affected in the slightest. I want to keep it that way - that their crap doesn't bleed into my life, lol. I don't want their craziness (theirs isn't as amicable as your exMMs it sound like), so I just removed myself from it. I don't like drama, and they are going to have some drama for a while.

 

Yes, do read some of the responses that I have gotten. Some have been extremely insightful and helpful. But the ignore feature is your friend...

[RickFox]

When he said he needed time to himself he just threw you the big red flag. You are not a priority for him and I highly doubt he wants to end up with you now.

 

Yes they are always in love with us, mw fall for the mm, sw fall for the mm and vice versa and yet, somehow it doesn't work in the end.

 

Good luck, if I were you I'd walk away from him...far far away and stay away.

[whichwayisup]

A few weeks ago, they went back to counselling and for a few nights, he moved back in. They've really tried, it's the way it should be, to know they have exhausted all efforts. The divorce papers are a formality that will happen. I'm not familiar enough with divorce proceedings to know how that all works. But it won't be a fight, it won't be ugly - -they're parting on good terms, they will still be friends.

 

He rubberbanded back a lot in the last two weeks -- so much so that he wanted to all of the sudden be the husband she never had, that he could change. To her credit, truly, she knows that it won't change, and that's why she's been sweet to him about the effort (he convinced her to let him move back home for a few nights)

 

The above is the main reason why you should back off and not hold hope that he will be living with you within a year or more. 2 weeks ago he was moved back in with his, going to counselling to fix their marriage. No way is he ready to just up and divorce and then move in with you, get married and have children so fast.

 

If you can't see this, then you will have an unhealthy relationship and you might feel obligated/stuck to stick it out. Please read Mino's story. She is genuine and trying to just give you another side to look at it in your situation.