melaniemelanie Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Hi, I am new here. I am a female who got involved with an unhappy married man over two years ago, and ended everything with him over one year ago, except for some sporadic contact from time to time, as "friends". This summer he let me know he had separated from his wife -- they have been living apart for about six months, and they are now starting divorce proceedings (filing the papers, etc.). I have no doubt the marriage is over, and they are parting as friends. He is 50 years old and wants to be a father. I am 36 and also want to be a mother. I know from my past experience with him that we are exceptionally compatiable, share a deep love (we definitely "fell in love" when we met, and the distance we have had to keep because of his marriage has been the most dificult of my life, though I have tried to "move on" since meeting him by dating others, etc.). I know that he loves me, I know that he agrees we could have a great future together and that he has dreamed about this a lot, as I have. I want to give him room to breathe as a "single man" before we move to an "us" because it seems like that must be important, right? He shouldn't just jump from his wife to me. But I have a lot of anxiety about him suddenly feeling like a "free" man after all this time in a marriage (12 years) and that he'll go out to sew his oats or something. It could just be irrational thinking because he's a good man and I trust him, but I can't imagine most men wouldn't want a time of "freedom" in their lives again after a marriage. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to fall in love with anyone else or get a woman pregnant "by accident". Because of my age (and his) I am anxious to get things moving with him and I, to start building a family. I have been "waiting" for him a long time (although trying, like I said, to also put him behind me, but now maybe I don't need to). Should I put a timeline on it with him? Ask him to be moving things forward with me by (for instance) December or else I end things with him? Or should I be patient, let him regroup for awhile, maybe take a chance and let him have some time as a "single" man so he won't resent me down the road or....? I am at a loss. I truly love him, I know he loves me, I know we would have a great life together. I just am worried if he takes a long time to feel "ready", I might be too old to have a baby. How long should I be patient before trying to move my life on once again after him (which is so hard to do, because he's the only man I wish to have a child with and the ONLY man I have ever loved in the way that I do). Any advice is truly appreciated. Thank you.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 When he "let you know" that he's separated with his wife, did he also tell you that he now wants to be with you forever and make babies? Why don't you just sit tight while his divorce proceeds and observe how he behaves. Don't initiate any contact or anything. He knows how you feel. If he is 100% ready to settle down with you I'm sure he can make that clear in the upcoming months.
Owl Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I'm also curious if he "told" you that he's seperated and filing for divorce...or if you've seen his new place and the divorce paperwork with the county clerk's stamp on it? Depending on if he felt continuing to see you was contingent upon him going down this path, he COULD be lying to you about the whole thing, with the hopes of drawing you back down the affair path again. Not saying he IS...saying you need to be cautious and verify everything.
veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Why don't you talk to him about it? You should know if he's moving towards a future with you once he'll be divorced. Or has he notified you just because? Considering your age, it's fair to you to know where you stand on the whole baby thing. You might find out he wants to wait several years before that, and it may not work for you. Definitely a good idea to check that he is indeed going through divorce. Good luck.
Author melaniemelanie Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 He's definitely going through the divorce, there's no doubt about that so it's not something to investigate. Their divorce has been a long time coming and I knew it would, he knew it would. Now it is. It's mature and amicable and it is for the best. Has he let me know that he wants to build a family with me? Yes, many times. All the time. It's only in the last week or so, he seems more distant (we also live in different cities) and I know it is probably just all the stress of dealing with the divorce stuff -- they still talk and of course there are still emotions to process, they have been married 12 years with a lot of stuff and issues to sort out - -it's sad and draining even under the best of circumstances. But it's this "pulling back" that has me worried/scared....I know it is out of my control and he has to sort his way through his confusion about me/him/us and what he wants in life. I'm trying to stay zen and trust it will all come to be in the way we've talked about in the past, but I'm also sure that waiting --say -- a year for it to all unfold seems like a long time and I don't know what to do. I know I can't get over him and move on to any other man, so I feel stuck. I have contemplated having a baby on my own (when I used to think maybe he wouldn't leave his wife, in the early days), but now they are divorcing and I feel like "let's hurry up already!" but I know these things take time to sort-out, emotionally. I just wonder...how long is a natural time for him to maybe need to sort out what he wants, how long should I wait, or should I give him an ultimatum (which I don't want to do, not really, but I also don't want to waste my life). I'm very scared, very worried. I don't want to be desperate and push him away with that. I want to be cool, but it's eating me up, all the time.
Author melaniemelanie Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 What I should add is that yes, in his recent "confusion" he's said things like "maybe I just need some time...". And that's also why I'm bothered. I want to give him time, I just don't know how MUCH time. It's sort of no different than just having a confused boyfriend. How much time is reasonable and how much time is too much time? 1
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Because of my age (and his) I am anxious to get things moving with him and I, to start building a family. I have been "waiting" for him a long time (although trying, like I said, to also put him behind me, but now maybe I don't need to). Should I put a timeline on it with him? Ask him to be moving things forward with me by (for instance) December or else I end things with him? Or should I be patient, let him regroup for awhile, maybe take a chance and let him have some time as a "single" man so he won't resent me down the road or....? Don't rush into this, especially getting pregnant! This man isn't divorced yet and who knows how long that process will take. Wait until he's officially divorced and then 'date' him under the right circumstances when he feels he's had enough time to be alone and sort out his life. 12 years of marriage is still a loss and he's going to need time to adjust to all the changes. The loss of his inlaws, blended friends, financial issues, the house.. Don't rush into this. Another year won't kill you if this is meant to be. In the meantime, focus on you and your life, your friends, job, hobbies etc.. 2
Minnie09 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 If your love is truly that deep and genuine, why all these doubts? He's getting a divorce and has always wanted to be with you. Now that he's free from his exW, he can live up to his dreams. Why are you so insecure about the whole thing? I see a woman who's very afraid, when she should be happy. You seem very concerned and worried about what he needs. It shouldn't matter to you, though, what he needs, and if he needs time to breathe and enjoy a single life before he gets involved in another serious relationship. You're too focused on him. Let him deal with it. He'll be okay. If freedom is what he needs now, then he's probably not the guy for you. He'll be keeping you on the sideline while enjoying his bachelor life, like he did while he was married. Take care of yourself and stop being too accommodating. Sure he's gone through a lot, but so have you in this secret affair. I know they say that people need time to regroup after a relationship ends, especially after D (with kids?), but in this case, especially because you seem to think you belong together, it would be a red flag. He has, after all, professed his love for you and expressed the desire to be with you full time and officially, and to have kids with you. So what's the problem? If he's not a player, he will live up to his promises. I wouldn't be worried. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I just wonder...how long is a natural time for him to maybe need to sort out what he wants, how long should I wait, or should I give him an ultimatum (which I don't want to do, not really, but I also don't want to waste my life). Don't put an ultimatum on him. Good way to lose him if you do. Nobody wants to feel forced or threatened. Look, this guy is no where near ready building a new life with you when his current life/marriage is ending. he has nothing to give on ALL levels. Put yourself in his shoes, if you were divorcing and you had an OM waiting for you on the side, would you want to be pushed into something you're not ready for? Also, the affair dynamic has to end. All you know and feel is based on affair feelings and that setting. This is why time and space is needed and also for you to 'date' him once he's ready. Don't rush into sex and fall back into that routine..Start over! Fresh and without the affair dynamic.
frozensprouts Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 you indicated that you'd like to have a family with this man...that's a nice goal to have, but if I were you, I'd try and give him a bit more time to "settle out"...especially if you would like to have children with him. Give him time to make sure he's completely stable and ready for that...you owe that to your future children
canuckprincess Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 What I should add is that yes, in his recent "confusion" he's said things like "maybe I just need some time...". And that's also why I'm bothered. I want to give him time, I just don't know how MUCH time. It's sort of no different than just having a confused boyfriend. How much time is reasonable and how much time is too much time? I would suggest you be his friend help him if he needs it or just be a shoulder for him to lean on. He may not want alot of time maybe he just doesn't want his wife to know he's moved on so quickly. Date him and enjoy your time getting to know the single man your in love with. Keep in mind a cheating mm may act differently then the single man he is now. I mean I know a mm is less likely to piss off his gf in fear she'll blow the whistle on him where a single guy doesn't have to worry about that. I know most ow won't tell the bs but the mm can't chance it. Best of luck and good luck on starting a family together. I wish my mm and I could of had a child together. Oh well I'm too old for that anyway.
veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 (edited) Feeling that pulling away from someone you always expected to be close makes one's stomach drop, so your fear is very valid. I don't agree that it works for everybody to takes it slow, and wait years to heal. Years and years, as if we'd live to 500. I think he needs to let you know exactly what to expect after divorce - does he want to be with you or shop around? Does he want to move slow, medium or fast? If he's been unhappy for years in his marriage, the processing is different than someone getting divorce against their will and expectation. He's already dealt with some of that. I sighestypu know where you stand once he'll be divorce, and stay out of it. Don't be a shoulder to lean on, don't be anything to him. It will drive you insane to see him go through whaterr he's going. You don't need that. Find the information you need and stay away until he'll be available. Agreeing on something now is fair to you, because if he's undecided about moving forward with you at a pace you find reasonable, it would be fair to you to date in the meantime and seriously looking at other options. Don't give him an ultimatium, let him phrase his proposal and then go from there negotiating. I find it best to let people express what they're willing to offer. You get a better sense of where you stand with the person, and they're more likely to follow through. Edited September 20, 2012 by cutedragon 1
Minnie09 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 you indicated that you'd like to have a family with this man...that's a nice goal to have, but if I were you, I'd try and give him a bit more time to "settle out"...especially if you would like to have children with him. Give him time to make sure he's completely stable and ready for that...you owe that to your future children No, Sir... 1) he's 50+ and she's 36 - he claims he wants to be a father...ummm....at what age? 2) A family with her was all he wanted while he was M. Now he's separated, headed for D, and all of a sudden he is withdrawn and reluctant?
sad puppy Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 First of all, he is not even divorced, legally. You should not plan on anything until after he is divorced. You're saying, "should I give him some time, like until December". Once again, he's not even divorced. You don't know how long that process will take. I've always read that the minimum time anyone should take after a divorce is one year before they should be getting involved with anyone else. Probably not true in all cases, but seems to be a general rule out there. Secondly, huge red flag if he's pulling away, distant, or whatever. Huge. When my xMM moved out, I received very mixed signals from him. Now, he had two kids, which complicates matters, and was married 17 years, but, he was all over the place emotionally. He was a mess. At times he saw a future with us, at times, I suspected he was thinking of reconciliation. This went on for months. I think mediation may have been rescheduled one or two times while they figured out what was going to happen. You don't want to be caught in this type of confusion and drama. Thirdly, it's not uncommon for someone fresh out of a marriage to want to date, be free, do their own thing, ... I walked away over 9 months ago from my AP. I couldn't take the emotional drama and confusion. Plus, I knew deep down I wouldn't trust him, and I knew he had issues. So, I left. So, now it is one year since he moved out, he's still technically separated but not divorced, and, ... wait for it, ... He's online dating. like I said, he's a mess. Really. You sound like you are getting way ahead of yourself, way ahead of yourself. I'd take the pulling back he's doing as a major red flag. Just warning you. Also, you have very big age difference, 14 years. Why do you want to get involved with him for the long term, as parents? When you are 50, he will be 64!!!!!!! Are you sure about all this? I advise pulling back yourself and really taking a deep breath. I sense this will not work out. Protect yourself.
sad puppy Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 What I should add is that yes, in his recent "confusion" he's said things like "maybe I just need some time...". And that's also why I'm bothered. I want to give him time, I just don't know how MUCH time. It's sort of no different than just having a confused boyfriend. How much time is reasonable and how much time is too much time? This is it, here's your answer. He's going to set "the time". He's already preparing you. He already knows he cannot move quickly forward as you desire. You will have no say in this. He's already deciding for himself that "he needs time". You know how much "time" I'd give him? NONE. Find someone closer to your age. Someone that will have energy as you will, to raise a child. He's too old to be a father, you will have to raise the kid all these years into the future. I'm telling you, he's already giving you a warning, you are NOT jumping into a f/t relationship here, he's already given you your answer. He's is unable to just bounce out of his 12 year marriage right into having a baby with you. You can't see cuz you're in it. Do yourself a big favor, and slow down, pay attention. He's telling you what you need to know.
HappyAtLast Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I presented my affair partner with signed divorce papers and diamond ring to prove my intentions. It was unthinkable to me that she have even a moment of discomfort in thinking that I would not want to be with her. A man who truly loves you will not risk loosing you. 3
Minnie09 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I presented my affair partner with signed divorce papers and diamond ring to prove my intentions. It was unthinkable to me that she have even a moment of discomfort in thinking that I would not want to be with her. A man who truly loves you will not risk loosing you. I agree. Not that I'm a fan of affairs and breaking up a marriage in order to be someone else. Ideally you get divorce for yourself, amicably, and with dignity. In this case, I seems like he wanted her until he was free to have her, future faked a little bit, had the GIGS, and now he wants his freedom? Now that he can have the greener grass, he wants to wait for it. And put his gf in a waiting position. Red flag. I am sorry. Red flag. These men are dangerous: they can't wait to be with you when they're still married to someone else, can't wait to make a baby with the 14-year younger mistress at the age of 50+, and all of a sudden they CAN wait? Am I the only one who sees that there's something terribly wrong with this picture? Give him time? A year after D is final? For WHAT? To make sure there's nothing better out there? And if there is, buh-bye? Come one guys, give me a break. Why so lenient? 2
Author melaniemelanie Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 I am taking everything everyone says here to heart. Many points are very valid, of course. I know I need to take it slow. It's hard. I love this man and have loved him for over two years. I want to have faith in him. His marriage with his wife, emotionally, it was over long before he met me. The last two years have been about "staying" for a long list of reasons, but being-well matched wasn't one of them. I am glad they are divorcing outside of any reasons to do with him and me. It has come about on it's own in the most "healthy" way (if there is such a thing) that two people divorcing can do it. As for me and him, I am so hopeful. Because of my age, I am nevous. I'm not on this board to prove to anyone that it will work out, I'm turning to this board as a place for support because it is very hard to know what to do right now, how to proceed. The people who have said to take it slow strike me as right. Having been on my own for all these years, that's hard, because I want to be happy overnight, and I could be, but I know he's not there yet. I think he will be, in time. I have a weird trust in the universe that way. He and I, we've been through a lot and have a history together, as lovers and as friends, and it is a solid base. We also both do really want a child or children. I don't see our 14 year age difference as any problem. He's fit, vital, exceptional. I know men my age and younger that he can put to shame, physically. I am just hopeful that we'll get our chance for this, that I'm not too old, that it will all work out. I truly do love this man and for those of you out there who believe in such things, maybe you can send your "positive energy" my way? I don't mean to come accross as so insecure about it, I know he loves me, it's just a time of a lot of uncertainty and sometimes even the people we trust in most can disappoint us. I don't think that will be the case with him and I, but it could be, and I just want to be sure I'm playing my cards right here. I don't want to look back later on and realise I made him feel suffocated or something, that's the last thing I want. I want him, I want "us", I want our family. So hopeful. Thank you. 2
HappyAtLast Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 His marriage with his wife, emotionally, it was over long before he met me. My marriage was over also, long before I met my affair partner. Because of that, there was no need to have any sort of a waiting period - I had moved on long ago. A man who loves a woman will not risk loosing her by asking her to wait. Please think about that.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 You really, really need to get on with your life completely aside from this man. What have you been doing for the last year? Just waiting and hoping? He needs what he needs, time wise. And your life needs to NOT be on hold while he takes the time he needs. If you end up together, good for you. But right now you would be very foolish to be banking on that. You are 36 and you should be well on your way to creating the kind of life you want to have for yourself. And not depending upon ANY man, especially not a married one or one who is just starting to move towards divorce. No matter how much you love him. 2
veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 You don't need to live by somebody else's recipe. If you want to take things slow, go slow, if you don't you don't. I am very skeptical of universal recepies like "wait a year". Where did that come from? And who has so many years to spare? If you are usually a reasonable, rational person, do what protects you and sounds constructive to you. In tribal cultures, when people break up, they move on. No moping for a year, to heal and be ready to whatever. No taking things slow, growing and focusing on whatever. I guess it's the civilized, sophisticated way to drag things out for eternity. People should know their personal limits, and follow them. I find that pop psychology complicates some things beyond necessity. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 You don't need to live by somebody else's recipe. If you want to take things slow, go slow, if you don't you don't. I am very skeptical of universal recepies like "wait a year". Where did that come from? And who has so many years to spare? In this case, the man has already told her he needs time and has distanced himself. So she probably does need to set some kind of parameter with regards to how long she plans to wait for him. I don't get it, though. According to the OP, the affair had ended over a year ago. I don't know why the OP's life has remained static.
2sunny Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Is he NOW living separately from his W? IF he intends toBE WITH you - HE will make it happen when he free to do so - in the meantime - HE has a M to finalize and process... And FWIW - he won't ACCIDENTALLY get someone pregnant. It happens when protection isn't used.... Or not...
veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 In this case, the man has already told her he needs time and has distanced himself. So she probably does need to set some kind of parameter with regards to how long she plans to wait for him. I don't get it, though. According to the OP, the affair had ended over a year ago. I don't know why the OP's life has remained static. Who said her life remained static? She didn't. I'm sure she did plenty of the personal growing things recommend here, and baked pies, and journaled, and dated. It's not her fault she didn't find someone to spend her life with and want kids with during this particular year. It doesn't mean she's faulty or her life was static. I agreed she should give him time until the divorce is over, but after he's done moping a marriage long dead, what reasons does he have to string her along any longer? 1
Mino Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Hi There, I usually dont post much these days... but I felt I had to on this one... I was the ow for 6-7 years... I broke up with him, mine came flying back the minute he thought about moving outagain, and filing papers... long story short, he is now divorced.... and we live together. its been a hard road... I will tell anybody in your situation... let him go..... Just because he is divorcing does not mean he is healthly...or capable for a heathly relationship... Mine suffered from depression, among other things. He is emtionally unavalable. He is in counseling and meds...If I could do it over... I should have walked away... Its not easy to walk next to someone, who knows what a mess he has created, and the guilt he now carries... He will vent, he will not be himself... and you will be the one who see this... There is no fairytale ending... Let him go, if you do end up with him... you will see what I mean, and loss the possiblity of ever having the child you want... He is looking for comfort. he is looking for someone to take care of him...He will promise you so much... but these men are selfish by nature... he is not thinking of you, merely only himself and he will tell you whatever you need to hear, to get you to take him in... Trust me, read my history... You will be no different... Men that cheat are truly broken souls.... anyway you look at it... Good luck 1
Recommended Posts