I think I'm falling out of love with my husband

[CarboniteCammy]

So, just that. I don't know if I've already fallen out of love or whether I'm just heading there very quickly or whether this is just a phase of marriage, but I'm sick to death of my husband. I really hate that I feel that way toward him, because I think he still loves me.

 

And no, there's no one else. I'm not that kind of woman.

 

Here is how I feel and why I feel that I'm either falling or have fallen out of love:

 

1) I don't share my thoughts and feelings with him, anymore. I feel that either he can't relate to them or he won't care, or he'll make light of them.

 

2) I get annoyed when he needs affection from me. We just had a baby three months ago (which he rarely helps with) and I feel like I'm stretched pretty thin. I don't want to hold him, make out with him, anything. His kisses no longer turn me on- in fact, they kind of turn me off.

 

3) There's very little intimacy in our relationship. He used to complain about it, but doesn't so much anymore.

 

4) I don't care about his life the way I used to. I used to love hearing stories about his hobbies or things he learned or his job and now I just get really bored when he talks. I do my best to cover it up by feigning interest, and it seems to work.

 

So, you can see we just don't relate to each other like we used to. I used to really enjoy being around him, but now I can't stand being around him. It's hard to care about his hobbies and such when I haven't had any time to myself all day (work and then the baby).

 

I'm not sure what to do. I've never been the type to lead anyone on, but this is my life partner... 'til death do us part and all that.

 

I think that part of the issue is that My husband is not an easy person to deal with on a daily basis. He has a problem with his temper and often just says what he thinks with out considering how it makes the other person feel.

 

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I've said some horrible things to him out of anger which I know have really hurt him.

 

Is there a way for me to get my relationship back on track or should we just throw in the towel? Should I tell him how I feel now, or wait longer to see if things magically change?

 

I feel very guilty about this growing lack of concern I have for my husband and our relationship together.

Edited September 20, 2012 by CarboniteCammy

[hardlybreathing]

Perhaps you are just experiencing postpartum depression. Don't make any decisions right now.

[TigerCub]

Hey CC,

 

First, congrats on the baby!!

 

Now onto the stuff that's stressing you out:

- You feel exhausted by all the work that's coming with the new baby and with the fact that your hubby isn't helping much.

 

I think that's a MAJOR issue that would lead to you not being in the mood for not much else since you're so tired and are likely building resentment towards your husband for not helping you.

 

Here's an idea: Have you considered sitting him down and really being clear about the kind of stress you're feeling and how you know its affecting the way you are dealing with other things. Be clear and ask him for his help, that you need a bit more effort on his part to help take care of the child you share.

I think if you say things clearly and calmly, men tend to listen and take things to heart.

 

I believe that most men want to do a good job and be helpful and give their women what they need, but the men need to know what's needed and they need to know where and what they can do to help.

 

You're talking about throwing in the towel - I dunno, you just had a baby together, do you really wanna throw everything away so quickly without attempting to fix things?

 

Also - waiting and not doing anything will not magically change anything - you know that.

 

You need to talk to your husband and tell him how this is affecting you and what you need from him to help the situation.

 

One more thing - another poster mentioned the possibility of postpartum depression. That's definitely something you should discuss with your doctor. From what I hear its really more common than a lot of people think.

 

Best of luck to you

[Balzac]

Was this pregnancy planned? Highly anticipated? I'd recommend an evaluation by a psychiatrist that has experience diagnosing and treating post partum women.

 

It's easy for new mothers to build resentment as the work and self sacrifice of parenting come into full bloom.

 

Get a proper evaluation, then focus on your own happiness.

[CarboniteCammy]

@ducksoup- you've obviously never had kids if you think I have time to have an emotional affair over facebook with some random unnamed dude, and I work full time and have a three month old. Get a grip, dude.

 

@Tigercub- first off, thanks on the congrats! I love my little man! I'm a first time mom, and I admit I'm overwhelmed. My parents live in another state and I don't get much relief at home from my husband. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel and he gets really defensive about it. His reaction is kind of like, "What, but you're a mom! Don't you love to be with him all the time?" So...It's hard to know how to respond to that, ya know? I mean, I do love my baby but sometimes I need a break!

 

As for post partum- i don't exhibit any of the symptoms, really. I don't have huge crying jags. I really love my baby and enjoy every second I have with him. I love my job and I haven't pulled away from my friends or family (well, regarding my current time restraints with the baby and all). I have thought about that, and maybe I do need to talk to someone to see if what I'm feeling (or not feeling) for my husband could be symptomatic of post partum.

 

I don't really want to leave my husband, but I don't see that being a single mom would be much different, honestly. I work all day and then come home and take care of the baby, make dinner, clean, do laundry...I don't have any time for myself, really. My husband, on the other hand, is basically free in the evening and devotes his time to his pet projects, and doesn't help unless nagged (which really sucks, because I never wanted to be the nagging wife).

 

Now, he, on the other hand, IS online all the time. He comes home and says he needs to "wind down" from work and proceeds to the sites he calls "the dregs of the internet."

 

And as for the baby being planned- NOPE! He wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I love him and would give my life for him, but I surely didn't wake up one day and say, "Man, I want a baby!"

 

So, that's where it is. Maybe counseling would help, and I'll look into that. IF I can find someone to watch the baby while I go. Not sure my husband will do that, but it's worth asking about.

 

It feels like I just don't have anything left to give, honestly.

[TigerCub]

@ducksoup- you've obviously never had kids if you think I have time to have an emotional affair over facebook with some random unnamed dude, and I work full time and have a three month old. Get a grip, dude.

 

@Tigercub- first off, thanks on the congrats! I love my little man! I'm a first time mom, and I admit I'm overwhelmed. My parents live in another state and I don't get much relief at home from my husband. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel and he gets really defensive about it. His reaction is kind of like, "What, but you're a mom! Don't you love to be with him all the time?" So...It's hard to know how to respond to that, ya know? I mean, I do love my baby but sometimes I need a break!

 

As for post partum- i don't exhibit any of the symptoms, really. I don't have huge crying jags. I really love my baby and enjoy every second I have with him. I love my job and I haven't pulled away from my friends or family (well, regarding my current time restraints with the baby and all). I have thought about that, and maybe I do need to talk to someone to see if what I'm feeling (or not feeling) for my husband could be symptomatic of post partum.

 

I don't really want to leave my husband, but I don't see that being a single mom would be much different, honestly. I work all day and then come home and take care of the baby, make dinner, clean, do laundry...I don't have any time for myself, really. My husband, on the other hand, is basically free in the evening and devotes his time to his pet projects, and doesn't help unless nagged (which really sucks, because I never wanted to be the nagging wife).

 

Now, he, on the other hand, IS online all the time. He comes home and says he needs to "wind down" from work and proceeds to the sites he calls "the dregs of the internet."

 

And as for the baby being planned- NOPE! He wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I love him and would give my life for him, but I surely didn't wake up one day and say, "Man, I want a baby!"

 

So, that's where it is. Maybe counseling would help, and I'll look into that. IF I can find someone to watch the baby while I go. Not sure my husband will do that, but it's worth asking about.

 

It feels like I just don't have anything left to give, honestly.

 

CC, if your husband is minimizing your concerns maybe you do need to be perfectly honest with him - ie. that its so bad you're actually thinking of ending the relationship.

That's what I would do - I wouldn't say it as a threat, but as a way to really get across how bad the situation is and how something needs to change. I would suggest counseling, or at least listing the things I need changed, having absolutely no minimizing or ridicule of my concerns and seeing some real effort and progress.

 

I'm guessing your husband doesn't know that things are quite as bad as they are for you and that the relationship is at stake.

 

I hope that if you do choose to go that way and tell him honestly how much this is negatively affecting your marriage and the possible outcomes that he will listen up and be willing to discuss things, make more effort and communicate with you.

[Elliotte]

Should I tell him how I feel now, or wait longer to see if things magically change?

 

You should absolutely tell him, he deserves to know how his wife feels about him.

 

One thing I'd advise in your approach to telling him, is to phrase the way you tell him with the theme that it is very troubling to you and you want to start working together to fix the issue. Try to voice your concerns and come up with ways to improve the situation between each other, rather than just rattling off a list of complaints and things about him you are apathetic about.

 

Don't expect a miraculous turn around, best case scenario, he will snap around and start working as best he can to fix things, but the situation will take a long time to fix and you two will stumble along the way.

[NervisPervis]

It blows me away that we are on a pretty popular relatioship sight and everyone is trying to figure out why a wife is falling out of love with her husband.

 

We need to take that original post, print 1 million copies and hand it to every couple that goes to one of those stupid "required" marital retreats the Catholics force you to go to. At mine, we must have done a dozen "group hugs" and talked about how it may "get rough" but our love will see us through. It makes me want to barf to think about it.

 

That "retreat" should have been a two day study on the fact that there is a much better than average chance that your wife WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU!!! Study the epedemic. How to look for signs and how to deal with it when it starts. We can talk about infidelity all day but discussing "walk-away-wives" is taboo.

 

Because we DON'T talk about it, you don't know how to deal wth it, as is referenced by you talking about it with a bunch of strangers that should know better. So what you don't know is that you wil never go back to him. It's over. Leave him now. For HIM. Make sure you tell him why so he can fix it in his next marriage.

 

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO START TALKING ABOUT THIS!?!?!?!?

[darkmoon]

) I get annoyed when he needs affection from me. We just had a baby three months ago (which he rarely helps with) and I feel like I'm stretched pretty thin. I don't want to hold him, make out with him, anything. His kisses no longer turn me on- in fact, they kind of turn me off.

 

not helping with a little baby - babies are exhausting - was this your turning point? it would be for me

Edited September 23, 2012 by darkmoon

[looks]

It blows me away that we are on a pretty popular relatioship sight and everyone is trying to figure out why a wife is falling out of love with her husband.

 

We need to take that original post, print 1 million copies and hand it to every couple that goes to one of those stupid "required" marital retreats the Catholics force you to go to. At mine, we must have done a dozen "group hugs" and talked about how it may "get rough" but our love will see us through. It makes me want to barf to think about it.

 

That "retreat" should have been a two day study on the fact that there is a much better than average chance that your wife WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU!!! Study the epedemic. How to look for signs and how to deal with it when it starts. We can talk about infidelity all day but discussing "walk-away-wives" is taboo.

 

Because we DON'T talk about it, you don't know how to deal wth it, as is referenced by you talking about it with a bunch of strangers that should know better. So what you don't know is that you wil never go back to him. It's over. Leave him now. For HIM. Make sure you tell him why so he can fix it in his next marriage.

 

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO START TALKING ABOUT THIS!?!?!?!?

 

interesting post. could you expound on this?

[Woggle]

It blows me away that we are on a pretty popular relatioship sight and everyone is trying to figure out why a wife is falling out of love with her husband.

 

We need to take that original post, print 1 million copies and hand it to every couple that goes to one of those stupid "required" marital retreats the Catholics force you to go to. At mine, we must have done a dozen "group hugs" and talked about how it may "get rough" but our love will see us through. It makes me want to barf to think about it.

 

That "retreat" should have been a two day study on the fact that there is a much better than average chance that your wife WILL FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU!!! Study the epedemic. How to look for signs and how to deal with it when it starts. We can talk about infidelity all day but discussing "walk-away-wives" is taboo.

 

Because we DON'T talk about it, you don't know how to deal wth it, as is referenced by you talking about it with a bunch of strangers that should know better. So what you don't know is that you wil never go back to him. It's over. Leave him now. For HIM. Make sure you tell him why so he can fix it in his next marriage.

 

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO START TALKING ABOUT THIS!?!?!?!?

 

Yup. We need to make sure that men are aware of this epidemic and what the beginning signs are. I don't know why we don't warn men about this.

[Woggle]

You can cut out that stuff with me because I have always done my share of the housework and never expected a woman to do most of it. If you don't believe my house was spotless when I was single.

 

I am not even talking about this specific thread. I am talking about in general. Men need to be made fully aware of the walkaway wife epidemic before they get married.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Yes please consider that this may be postpatrum depression.

 

Mature love is not like what it was at the beginning. Don't give up just because the butterflies are gone, show some commitment to making your relationship work. Be honest, get some counseling. Honor your vows like your husband is. And btw, mothers have affairs all the time. My wife did.

 

Good luck.

[CarboniteCammy]

Thought I'd pop back in and let you guys know how things are going. I've been talking to alot of people about my feelings about the marriage and I'm going to a therapist this coming Tuesday after work (husband is going to watch the little one) so that I can sort through this.

 

I did finally talk to my husband about it after figuring out how to approach him in a way he'd both underand and be receptive to. I didn't want to come across to him like I'm some perfect person who does no wrong. I wanted to come across in more of a "team player" fashion.

 

Sometimes it just helps to get outside perspectives before having a big conversation, because that way you can plan out responses and it helps to stay logical because you know where you want the conversation to go.

 

I told him that I felt like he had abandoned me with all of the responsibility in our relationship and that it felt like he was still stuck in the phase of the relationship prior to us having the little boy. I told him I felt it bothered me to see a lack of bonding between him and the baby and that I didn't understand why he didn't take more of an interest.

 

He was pretty surprised that I felt that way. I guess he thought I had everything under control, so he was just doing things to keep himself occupied when I was busy. I asked him why he didn't just jump in and help and he said he didn't think I wanted help...not sure how he got that in his head after I told him I was feeling overwhelmed.

 

So, he really wants to work things out and says that he would die with out me (I felt that was dramatic) and he's been working on doing more to help out and also being less critical of what doesn't get done.

 

The good news is that I'm thawing out to him again and that my feelings are coming back. I do feel that I have a long way to go before they return full force because I do feel slightly betrayed still, but hopefully therapy will help with that. Plus, he's doing more with the baby now and it warms my heart to see him hold the baby and feed him and change him.

 

I think we need to reconnect as people, so we're going on a date (my idea) as soon as we can get a babysitter just so we can hang out so that we can enjoy each other with out the pressure of having a baby right there.

 

We're also going to try to be physical more often- not just sex, but hugging and kissing. He says he really needs it, and while it's an effort for me to do those things (as in, it doesn't come naturally) I do feel that it's becoming more natural with time, which tells me that things are looking better.

[KathyM]

I think it's pretty typical for women who are new mothers to start feeling dissatisfied with their marriage/husband because they are feeling overwhelmed with the new demands that a baby brings. The wife starts to resent the husband for not helping out enough with the baby, and she becomes hypersensitive to what he does and says, so she builds an emotional wall between them for awhile because she can't deal with all of it when she is feeling overwhelmed with the demands of the baby. It's good that you are realizing now that it is important to nurture your marriage and not let that deteriorate. Date night is an excellent idea. You need to have time to relate as adults without the baby around. Make sure you make the topic of conversation about adult topics that don't revolve around the baby during those date nights. Make sure you make time for sex on a regular/frequent basis. This is so important in keeping a couple emotionally close, and will also help to relieve the stress you both feel. Your husband needs to know that he is still important in your life and he has not been displaced or pushed aside now that the baby is in the picture, so do be aware that he still has the same needs for emotional and physical connection with you that has not changed just because the baby is here. A lot of women make the mistake of thinking that now that they have to care for the baby, they don't need to care for their husband. Don't neglect your marriage/husband because there is now a baby in the picture. Realize that being hypersensitive to negatives in your mate or in your life are pretty normal while you are adjusting to being a mother and the demands that that requires. That hypersensitivity will pass. Just focus on keeping the marriage healthy and the need for maintaining that relationship, and don't allow baby care to become all consuming. You should also be trying to make time for yourself and your own interests/needs at this time. Don't neglect yourself either. Hire a babysitter for a couple of hours here and there so you can get out of the house on your own to do something enjoyable for yourself.

[CarboniteCammy]

Marriage is an incredible amount of work in so many ways, and it's the foundation of the family. I'm glad my husband is coming around and that he's willing to work on being more present in our day to day family life.

 

I think that therapy will really help me communicate better with him and with that will develop a deeper relationship. I didn't get married just to walk away, and sometimes it's hard to remember that when I'm feeling very alone and overwhelmed.

 

Again, I'm glad he's receptive to helping out and to working on building our marriage. I know I have things to work on, and I do want him to be happy and secure and in love and it's easier for me to want to make him happy when he helps relieve some of my burdens.

 

We now have more time to spend together in the evenings, and that also makes it easier to connect. With just me doing everything, we didn't really have that time to spend together