staceyjamie Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I met my current partner 4 months after breaking up with the man I describe as the love of my love. We had been together for nearly 2 years, when out of the blue he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and moves out. I was absolutely broken. 2 weeks later I moved to the other side of the world, and did my best to mend my heart and build a new life. I did not expect to meet anyone and I certainly wasn't looking. I met my current guy on the beach. I liked him immediately - we got together almost instantly, and for 6 months it was long distance with him in Europe and me in Asia. We saw each other 3 times in that three months but spoke nearly every day. During this time I fell for him, and felt very connected with him. I couldn't believe I'd met this guy who obviously adored me, and so soon. We made plans for him to move to where I was permanently. This meant leaving a prestigious and well paying job, and everything he knew in Europe. He did it...and now he is here with me and Im not happy. I have realized that although I find him handsome, beautiful even, I'm not physically attracted to him. Although our sex life is good, I don;t desire him sexually, and have no desire for sexual intimacy. I have this beautiful, kind, loving, sensitive and warm man....who gave up everything to be with me....and most of the time I just feel cold - theres no passion or hunger for him. I'm constantly comparing him to to man who broke my heart and didn;t look back. He doesn't deserve it. I've wondered whether it was just I need more time to get over my ex....that they way we met was very intense & going from long distance to with each other 24-7 was pretty full on for any couple. I try to tell my self that the things I don't like about him physically and personality wise are not a big deal - he is very emotional and cries alot - which I really struggle with. I have told him several times that I'm not sure this relationship is right for me...but things get very traumatic and emotional and I don't know what to do. We normally just make up and move forward. This is the most difficult relationship situation I have ever been in. I have a loyal, solid man in my life who wants to be with me...overlooks my imperfections, and challenges me to be a better person. I enjoy being with him, sharing my life with him...and can't imagine being all of a sudden with out him. Him back in Europe and me here, alone, single, lonely and childless. I can't help but think that maybe I'm holding on because I don't think I can get any better and this may be my last chance at children and family...especially with someone who wants to live the way I do - that's not fair on him. (the thought alone makes me want to cry, and I get very moody sometimes) But after being head over heels in love...and nowing what that feels like - to be totally with someone...I know this doesn't feel the same. I don't even know if it's supposed to, which make things confusing. I feel like he changed him whole life to be with me...now a year later...I'm telling him it's not what I want...and I can't do it. I also am not 100% sure if I really want it to be over. I'm scared that I will walk away from a kind, loving and loyal man, in search of sexual attraction and a hot body...and wind up with insecurites, anxiety and a man who doesn't love or treat me the way I deserve - that would make me a fool! I feel my boyfriend deserves so much better than the half hearted love and attention I'm giving him...but I don't know if I want to let go...and the knowledge of the pain, shame and agony I will cause him if I do...is enough to make me keep trying...to see if things start to feel differently. Surely, a loving relationship just celebrating its first anniversary is not meant to feel that way! After being hurt so bad in my last relationship....I feel like I just don't know anything anymore, and can't trust my own feelings. Please help...
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 He made his decisions as an independent adult. It hasn't worked out, you need to be honest with him and move on.
KatZee Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 The issue is that you're not over your ex. It's glaringly obvious. (The fact that you're comparing old with new.) You dove into something to try to ease the pain you felt, and that's the WORST thing to do when you are heartbroken. You have this amazing person and right now, for you, he's nothing but a rebound and in the end it probably will not work. I'd be honest with him. Tell him that you do like spending time with him and enjoy his company but you think you both moved way too fast and that you're not emotionally ready to be where you are yet. Maybe over time you'll feel it but you need to deal with all of the emotions from the ex first. You can't just mask it with this new guy.
ally_batucan Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 you're so lucky girl. if i were you, i won't let him go. actually, we're like in the same situation. i just broke up from my bf. its been a month already. im still hurting like hell though. can't find someone to mend the pain.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Is this a relationship you think is worth fighting for? Would you be willing to try couples therapy? You describe a man with whom you share emotional intimacy. You met on the beach so he has to have something going on body wise... beachwear does not hide blubber well. You love hearing from him and can't imagine being without him...yet you want to run. Why is that? What you were feeling with that other person may not have been real love. False Forms of Love: Limerence and Its Alluring Lies | What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? limerence is a kind of really intense love like feeling. Limmerant relationships also tend to last about 2 to 4 years. One person or the other will just wake up one day and not feel the "love" anymore. Then leave just as suddenly as your ex. When you feel limerence you feel like this new person is the love of your life, your soul mate blah blah blah. When in truth they are just an adult version of a crush. What you describe with your current man sounds more like real love, and that scares you, right? He freely cries in your presence, he must really care You were physically attracted to him when you met on the beach.He really is loyal and loves you. He shows it and shares it freely.Yet the idea of him not being long distance scares you. It's your life, leave him if you must. Take a long look at yourself and think, are you leaving him because of him or are you leaving him because of you? TL;DR It sounds like you have issues with someone showing you real emotional intimacy. Leave if you really must, but consider that it may be about deep issues of yours as much as it is about him.
Author staceyjamie Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 The issue is that you're not over your ex. It's glaringly obvious. (The fact that you're comparing old with new.) You dove into something to try to ease the pain you felt, and that's the WORST thing to do when you are heartbroken. You have this amazing person and right now, for you, he's nothing but a rebound and in the end it probably will not work. I'd be honest with him. Tell him that you do like spending time with him and enjoy his company but you think you both moved way too fast and that you're not emotionally ready to be where you are yet. Maybe over time you'll feel it but you need to deal with all of the emotions from the ex first. You can't just mask it with this new guy. Maybe, but I also dove in because it felt good. The fact that I might not be over my ex nearly a year later - although I desperately want to be - makes me feel ill. He doesn't deserve the mind share - i hate the thought that the broken heart he left me with means I'm no good for anyone else, for some indeterminate period of time!
KatZee Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 you're so lucky girl. if i were you, i won't let him go. actually, we're like in the same situation. i just broke up from my bf. its been a month already. im still hurting like hell though. can't find someone to mend the pain. If you continue on with this mindset you're going to be hurting for a really long time. The OP ISN'T lucky because she's only leading him on and using him as a crutch for her pain. NO ONE is going to mend the pain for you. That's what a rebound is, and they never work out. At the end of the rebound you're still hurt, and then you've hurt someone else. You need to fix the pain yourself, and grow and learn from it.
Author staceyjamie Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Is this a relationship you think is worth fighting for? Would you be willing to try couples therapy? You describe a man with whom you share emotional intimacy. You met on the beach so he has to have something going on body wise... beachwear does not hide blubber well. You love hearing from him and can't imagine being without him...yet you want to run. Why is that? What you were feeling with that other person may not have been real love. False Forms of Love: Limerence and Its Alluring Lies | What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? limerence is a kind of really intense love like feeling. Limmerant relationships also tend to last about 2 to 4 years. One person or the other will just wake up one day and not feel the "love" anymore. Then leave just as suddenly as your ex. When you feel limerence you feel like this new person is the love of your life, your soul mate blah blah blah. When in truth they are just an adult version of a crush. What you describe with your current man sounds more like real love, and that scares you, right? He freely cries in your presence, he must really care You were physically attracted to him when you met on the beach.He really is loyal and loves you. He shows it and shares it freely.Yet the idea of him not being long distance scares you. It's your life, leave him if you must. Take a long look at yourself and think, are you leaving him because of him or are you leaving him because of you? TL;DR It sounds like you have issues with someone showing you real emotional intimacy. Leave if you really must, but consider that it may be about deep issues of yours as much as it is about him. To be honest, when we met on the beach, I didn't pay too much mind to his physical appearance...I didn't even particularly fancy him. I feel for the way he made me laugh, how interesting, funny and knowledgeable he was. He remains all those things...but now I also see the man boobs...and the spotted back...and the receding hair. I'm no super model myself..and part of me thinks that because of this I should be less picky...but I can't help it. Like I should expect perfect when I'm not perfect myself...but something are a huge turn off. I think there is a lot to be taken from much of what you've said, I want to read the article. You've got me thinking about what it really means, looks like, is - to actually love someone....great that's all I need :-)
ally_batucan Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 If you continue on with this mindset you're going to be hurting for a really long time. The OP ISN'T lucky because she's only leading him on and using him as a crutch for her pain. NO ONE is going to mend the pain for you. That's what a rebound is, and they never work out. At the end of the rebound you're still hurt, and then you've hurt someone else. You need to fix the pain yourself, and grow and learn from it. i just needed to divert my attention to someone else. we've been together for 4 years. how easy is that??
Author staceyjamie Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 If you continue on with this mindset you're going to be hurting for a really long time. The OP ISN'T lucky because she's only leading him on and using him as a crutch for her pain. NO ONE is going to mend the pain for you. That's what a rebound is, and they never work out. At the end of the rebound you're still hurt, and then you've hurt someone else. You need to fix the pain yourself, and grow and learn from it. Whilst you have some valid points...I honestly don't believe I was using my partner as a crutch for my pain when we met...and I don't think I am now. For the most part I don't really feel pain any more...though occasionally I do miss my ex with an intensity that hurts ( maybe that's it). I met this ( other) guy who I thought was amazing. It was that simple, that's what I continued. No ulterior motive at the time.....but the whole situation was also rather romanticised with all the long skype calls and air miles. I initially was very cautious mainly not wanting to get into anything so serious so soon.
JayL Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I met my current partner 4 months after breaking up with the man I describe as the love of my love. We had been together for nearly 2 years, when out of the blue he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and moves out. I was absolutely broken. 2 weeks later I moved to the other side of the world, and did my best to mend my heart and build a new life. I did not expect to meet anyone and I certainly wasn't looking. I met my current guy on the beach. I liked him immediately - we got together almost instantly, and for 6 months it was long distance with him in Europe and me in Asia. We saw each other 3 times in that three months but spoke nearly every day. During this time I fell for him, and felt very connected with him. I couldn't believe I'd met this guy who obviously adored me, and so soon. We made plans for him to move to where I was permanently. This meant leaving a prestigious and well paying job, and everything he knew in Europe. He did it...and now he is here with me and Im not happy. I have realized that although I find him handsome, beautiful even, I'm not physically attracted to him. Although our sex life is good, I don;t desire him sexually, and have no desire for sexual intimacy. I have this beautiful, kind, loving, sensitive and warm man....who gave up everything to be with me....and most of the time I just feel cold - theres no passion or hunger for him. I'm constantly comparing him to to man who broke my heart and didn;t look back. He doesn't deserve it. I've wondered whether it was just I need more time to get over my ex....that they way we met was very intense & going from long distance to with each other 24-7 was pretty full on for any couple. I try to tell my self that the things I don't like about him physically and personality wise are not a big deal - he is very emotional and cries alot - which I really struggle with. I have told him several times that I'm not sure this relationship is right for me...but things get very traumatic and emotional and I don't know what to do. We normally just make up and move forward. This is the most difficult relationship situation I have ever been in. I have a loyal, solid man in my life who wants to be with me...overlooks my imperfections, and challenges me to be a better person. I enjoy being with him, sharing my life with him...and can't imagine being all of a sudden with out him. Him back in Europe and me here, alone, single, lonely and childless. I can't help but think that maybe I'm holding on because I don't think I can get any better and this may be my last chance at children and family...especially with someone who wants to live the way I do - that's not fair on him. (the thought alone makes me want to cry, and I get very moody sometimes) But after being head over heels in love...and nowing what that feels like - to be totally with someone...I know this doesn't feel the same. I don't even know if it's supposed to, which make things confusing. I feel like he changed him whole life to be with me...now a year later...I'm telling him it's not what I want...and I can't do it. I also am not 100% sure if I really want it to be over. I'm scared that I will walk away from a kind, loving and loyal man, in search of sexual attraction and a hot body...and wind up with insecurites, anxiety and a man who doesn't love or treat me the way I deserve - that would make me a fool! I feel my boyfriend deserves so much better than the half hearted love and attention I'm giving him...but I don't know if I want to let go...and the knowledge of the pain, shame and agony I will cause him if I do...is enough to make me keep trying...to see if things start to feel differently. Surely, a loving relationship just celebrating its first anniversary is not meant to feel that way! After being hurt so bad in my last relationship....I feel like I just don't know anything anymore, and can't trust my own feelings. Please help... This reminds me of me with my ex girlfriend. We weren't long distance, but all the reason you shared why you're with him was the exact same reasons she said to me. She also compared everything we did and had to when she was still with her ex. In the end, she let me go... I'm still sad due to the fact that things could have worked out perfectly if only she was emotionally available, but that wasn't the case and even up to now, I know that it still will not be the case. That last man she was with damaged her emotions entirely. My suggestion is to let this man go and let him be happy. Don't let him suffer and don't change him to a cold hearted a-hole. Because that's what I am now after being with my ex....
yongyong Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Another real life story about why you shouldn't be a stupid beta as a guy
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