danso45 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I've literally JUST broken up from a 4 year relationship and I feel absolutely awful, like I could die. It was a horrible ending and she simple finished me for no given reason. She is 22 and I'm 24. In the end she said she just didn't want a relationship. I'm an absolute mess but reading this forum is helping me realize that as bad as it feels for me, other people have gone through it. The thing is, is I said in a panic "we cant just never see each other again, you can't just leave me like this" after she finished me, and she replied along the lines of "I would happily be your friend, but I thought you wouldn't want to be friends". After reading about the NC rule, I understand that that's my best chance of 'recoving' and making her miss me or want me again. Which ultimatly is what I want. Although I know inside and from this forum, most people would say NO and to not be friends, but theres an issue with me: 1) Being Friends - If i be 'friends' with her (even though I want her back and NOT to be friends) it gives me a chance to see her, be with her, go out with her. Weve got a project going together building something in my garden and I'd love to finish it with her, see her reaction, have someone with me to finish it with. It's like I want to see us finish it together so badly, just to see her reaction. And if I don't, I'll always feel 'I wonder how she would have responded'. I feel if I was to be friends, I could 'convince' her she wants me again, and I'd have a friend to do things with. (also not I have NO other friends at all sadly) 2) Not being friends - I've read that the NC rule will increase my chances of getting her back? Is this so? I want her back so badly. But then the garden project, will always dwell on me. Having nobody to go out shopping with will be horrible, nobody to be excited with about when I get something new. (We always used to get excited for each other whe we got something new, and to me it played a massive factor in me getting things) I just want to hear your opinion. Normally I would just go with the NC rule, but becauase she's my ONLY friend, and I loved making the project in the garden with her, and without her I wouldn't do it,maybe being a friend will, help me somehow? Can I start the NC rule at a later date? Thankyou everyone
Calico Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 NC is NOT for getting your ex back. It's not a strategic move, it's not a game, it's not a trick, it's not punishment for the ex. It is there for you to heal and put yourself in a protective bubble so that no new pain is added to the mountain of hurt. If you use NC for any other purpose (that is: if you are not ready or willing to let her go), it will not work well, and it may cause you more pain. I tried staying friends with my ex (who really wanted me to be her friend) and it was pure torture with the wound getting ripped open every day. It also made me prone to begging and pressuring her (without wanting to), which pushed her away farther. You can try it, and you probably to so that you won't regret that you didn't try it, but it's not likely to make you happy. Just ask yourself if you could be her friend if she saw someone else, which she WILL do. (Sorry.) Yes, my ex was my best friend too, and my partner, and the space she left is still mostly unoccupied. But you have to learn to live on your own, be happy with yourself, and to not live through another person, and to not validate yourself through someone else. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot "make" her love you, and you cannot "make" her want to be with you. And yes, you're looking at immense pain and despair ahead of you. I wish it wasn't that way. But it's neither the beginning or the end. Many people have gone through this long before we were born, and they will still go through it long after we've died. Life is all about change, and the good part is that our pain and panic and fear and hopelessness won't last, either. Be strong. Stay out of the bottle. 2
love does not exist Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Yea, being friends is probably the worst thing you could do. Better just to get on with the suffering now.
Hobbit Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Go NC, sort yourself out, find new friends, build new relationships, make a list of life goals and dont stop until you've ticked them all off This is what Im doing and it does help. You at least have the luxury of NC, some of us here dont.
Dblock10 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 totally get why you would want to be friends, but there is no way you could handle that from what you have written. also you shouldnt ever need to convince someone they want to be with you... cant you see how unhealthy that is? sorry to hear what you are going through, seems to be that a lot of people break up at that age, young girls...!
geegirl Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 1) I feel if I was to be friends, I could 'convince' her she wants me again, and I'd have a friend to do things with. (also not I have NO other friends at all sadly) Convince someone to want you? They should want to be with you because they want to. This is not a sales pitch. Stop being a doormat. She's not your friend anymore. She is now an ex that just broke your heart to pieces. Be alone if you have to but if your "friend" is going to mutilate your heart at every contact, it would be best to be "friendless". 2) Not being friends - I've read that the NC rule will increase my chances of getting her back? Is this so? I want her back so badly. But then the garden project, will always dwell on me. Having nobody to go out shopping with will be horrible, nobody to be excited with about when I get something new. (We always used to get excited for each other whe we got something new, and to me it played a massive factor in me getting things) The NC rule is not a tool to get back the ex. It's a tool to move on and heal. Maybe this should be the push for you to start expanding your world to go out and make friends and stop depending on one person to determine the quality of your life. She cannot be your friend. If tomorrow, she came to you and said she had sex with an amazing man or even if you heard it from the grapevine, how would you feel? As a "friend" if you can say, "That's great, details please!"...be friends. If it will crush you, start working on that garden project on your own and use that as a way to accomplish doing something on your own without needing another person as a crutch. 1
bluefairy812 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I've literally JUST broken up from a 4 year relationship and I feel absolutely awful, like I could die. It was a horrible ending and she simple finished me for no given reason. She is 22 and I'm 24. In the end she said she just didn't want a relationship. I'm an absolute mess but reading this forum is helping me realize that as bad as it feels for me, other people have gone through it. The thing is, is I said in a panic "we cant just never see each other again, you can't just leave me like this" after she finished me, and she replied along the lines of "I would happily be your friend, but I thought you wouldn't want to be friends". After reading about the NC rule, I understand that that's my best chance of 'recoving' and making her miss me or want me again. Which ultimatly is what I want. Although I know inside and from this forum, most people would say NO and to not be friends, but theres an issue with me: 1) Being Friends - If i be 'friends' with her (even though I want her back and NOT to be friends) it gives me a chance to see her, be with her, go out with her. Weve got a project going together building something in my garden and I'd love to finish it with her, see her reaction, have someone with me to finish it with. It's like I want to see us finish it together so badly, just to see her reaction. And if I don't, I'll always feel 'I wonder how she would have responded'. I feel if I was to be friends, I could 'convince' her she wants me again, and I'd have a friend to do things with. (also not I have NO other friends at all sadly) 2) Not being friends - I've read that the NC rule will increase my chances of getting her back? Is this so? I want her back so badly. But then the garden project, will always dwell on me. Having nobody to go out shopping with will be horrible, nobody to be excited with about when I get something new. (We always used to get excited for each other whe we got something new, and to me it played a massive factor in me getting things) I just want to hear your opinion. Normally I would just go with the NC rule, but becauase she's my ONLY friend, and I loved making the project in the garden with her, and without her I wouldn't do it,maybe being a friend will, help me somehow? Can I start the NC rule at a later date? Thankyou everyone i am so sorry.. i also got out of a 4 year relationship 2 months ago.. sucks the big one same thing too, we are 2 years apart.. and after 4 years he did not see me in his future nor did he a want a relationship with me. you need to implement NC and just let her be. your sanity and emotions come first from here on out. you need to step back and heal... grieve...and start a new life again. it's going to get worse before it gets better, just make sure you DO NOT CONTACT HER. you will only hurt yourself if she doesn't respond the way you want her too. DO NOT BE FRIENDS! it's a bad bad BAD idea. i wish you the best... from one broken heart to another <3
Chi townD Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Calico is spot on. I don't know where you read that NC was a tool to help you get your Ex back. It's not. It's a way for you to let go, heal and move on. Have there been cases where an Ex came back and wanted to revisit the relationship once in NC? Yeah. But those are few and far inbetween. Once a girl or a guy makes up their mind that the relationship is over. Then, it's over. They've made that decision and had the courage to pull the plug on the relationship, then they've decided that they are 100% committed to having you out of their life. So, the only thing left to do is to heal and move on with your dignity intact. Can you be friends with her again? Sure. But ONLY if you have lost all romantic feeling for her. And you're only going to complish this with NC. So, NC isn't a punishment, NC is more for self preservation.
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