Ever let someone go and that made them realize they loved you?

[juli017]

Hey everybody I just had to let someone go because he said he was "too busy" with his career to make me his gf.

 

We were FWB at the beginning but I broke it off halfway. We dated normally after that.

 

At the end, we got very close. He told me I was the coolest girl he's ever met, he never got this close to anyone before and that he could talk to me about anything.

 

He even stepped up his game when I casually dated others and dropped him as a fwb because he was wishy washy and rude (he called more and tried to get on my goodside =D )

 

Well when we talked about going further he said he was "too busy" so I sent him a farewell letter.

 

He said something about his past relationship failing because he didn't spend enough time with his ex... but seriously she's a bit cuckoo. They broke up and she's stalking him and whatnot O_O

 

Maybe he's scarred from his past relationship? He said it was the worst 5 years of his life.

 

I'm really hurt. I'm not expecting him to reply or come back but I am hoping...

 

We both acknowledged to each other that it's really hard to find someone who understands you. He's told me I understood him like no other and that he is able to freely express himself around me but not others.

 

He's been treating me like a gf pretty much.

 

Has anyone ever let someone they love go... only to have them come back to you because they realized how much they loved you when you were gone?

 

The feelings we had when we dated were so positive and happy. I'm heartbroken to be honest and I need help with coping...

[Berna]

Hello dear,

 

I know how you are feeling. I am going through this right now. I've read posts on this forum which made me realise that was the best thing to do. Hun, if he wanted to be with you he would find the time. Let him go and concentrate on yourself. We all have the tendency to clutch at the smallest of hopes, but that can take us backwards. Other people's experiences are not all the same and are not ours. Let go of him and start healing.

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. In mid twenty-somethings I do think career can play a Wicked mistress. Enough to curb a GF, rarely but it depends on personality factors less than time.

 

Personally, the "now I love you" ploy rings hollow after-the-fact. Have I observed it, heard it? Yup.

[juli017]

Thanks guys for replying and reading my story =)

 

@balzac I don't get what you mean by the "now I love you" ploy rings hollow after-the-fact.

 

Could you explain that a bit?

 

*sigh* I just think it's so rare to find a connection and get along with someone like that. Even though there are so many people out there, finding that one person whom you just feel like you can be yourself around is very hard indeed.

 

I miss him and all the things we did together. Especially the lengthy conversations that carried way into the wee hours of the morning lol...

[Balzac]

Sure I'll share my POV. First I do not believe that only one true liver for each is a fact. Secondly, if he could not recognize, acknowledge, validate and act on this love in current time, NEXT. He took you and what you offered as common, took you for granted, he will do it again.

 

I fully appreciate what you miss about him. Trust me, more worthy men exist, will place you in high value and despite career demands will find ways to validate your love.

 

Your age may be a factor, we don't know your age. His career choice may be one that he's struggling in, we don't know that factor either.

Edited September 20, 2012 by Balzac

[juli017]

Thanks for explaining =)

 

I'm 22 he's 27. I run my own business while he is a bond derivatives trader.

 

If you don't know what that is, it's like that wall street job. Where you buy low and sell high. Very stressful but he says talking to me makes him feel better and more confident since I offer him advice (we both love business and have that in common)

 

He's mentioned that I'm very mature for my age. Not to sound snooty but I think so too.

 

I don't want to be one of those people who think "Gee I'm young let's experiment and break 1 million hearts"

 

I find depth of character, personality and someone with a strong opinions and values very attractive. Physicality plays a small role for me.

 

Money and status does not matter either.

 

I understand that at his age, and as man he needs to establish himself and prove his worth (we're both asian so the whole "status and money" crap is important to our families).

 

In my final letter to him, I just wrote he needs to define himself to others via the value he brings into others lives not through how successful you are or how much money you have.

 

Guess I wrote that so he could open his eyes and stop emphasizing work so damn much... it's been 1 week so time will tell what happens...

[Balzac]

I am familiar with his type of job, know several guys who do it. They have GF, wives, kids too. Other things are in play with this guy.

 

Good luck to you.

[I'm nuts]

 

Has anyone ever let someone they love go... only to have them come back to you because they realized how much they loved you when you were gone?

 

When another person realizes that you loved them and I mean real love not infatuation, that you was their support, their guidance, their true friend, they always come back, I don't me literally they will come back to you but they will reach out to you at some point in the future, it can be 1 year later, or 5 or maybe 10 years, but one day you will hear from them again.

 

It is very very rare and bloody hard work to find a genuine person who truly cares about you, if you show those qualities to another human being sooner or later they will wake up to that fact and they will realize how good to them you were, once this light has lite up in their head they will make some small way to contact you.

[KatZee]

Hi OP. I highly suggest you read the book, "Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl."

 

This is classic unavailability. Even from how you started off. FWB. That is one of the types of emotional unavailability. I wish I had the book on me because I'd type out some of the info, but I'm at work.

 

In the meantime just know this. He's more into his career right now, not a relationship. And it was ONLY because you tried to end it, that he started to pursue. Unavailable people want things on THEIR terms. They want to start things on their terms, and end things on their terms. So when you tried to end it, he pulled out all the stops to drag you back to where his comfort zone is. And the second you tried to take it further (dragging him back OUT of his comfort zone) he ran.

 

I'm going to tell you, NO. Unavailable people aren't "convinced" they love you if you leave them. And what kind of mentality do YOU as a person have to think you need to "convince" someone they love you? A person who genuinely loves you doesn't need to be convinced of it. They just know.

 

This person is only going to give you what he's emotionally capable of giving. A half-as$ relationship. He will remain in this as long as you allow it. You'll wind up staying and waiting and hoping it will progress, only to see months, years down the line that this relationship will never go anywhere.

 

I'll be honest, you'll never get what you want from this man, so please don't sit around waiting, making excuses, hoping, wishing, etc etc.

Edited September 20, 2012 by KatZee

[newmoon]

When another person realizes that you loved them and I mean real love not infatuation, that you was their support, their guidance, their true friend, they always come back, I don't me literally they will come back to you but they will reach out to you at some point in the future, it can be 1 year later, or 5 or maybe 10 years, but one day you will hear from them again.

 

It is very very rare and bloody hard work to find a genuine person who truly cares about you, if you show those qualities to another human being sooner or later they will wake up to that fact and they will realize how good to them you were, once this light has lite up in their head they will make some small way to contact you.

 

very true. i believe a realization of love after-the-fact would show that while in the relationship that person was actually the lesser caring partner. now that the caring partner is gone from their life they would definitely miss the support, care, affection, etc they were given and didn't give back

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi OP. I highly suggest you read the book, "Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl."

 

This is classic unavailability. Even from how you started off. FWB. That is one of the types of emotional unavailability. I wish I had the book on me because I'd type out some of the info, but I'm at work.

 

In the meantime just know this. He's more into his career right now, not a relationship. And it was ONLY because you tried to end it, that he started to pursue. Unavailable people want things on THEIR terms. They want to start things on their terms, and end things on their terms. So when you tried to end it, he pulled out all the stops to drag you back to where his comfort zone is. And the second you tried to take it further (dragging him back OUT of his comfort zone) he ran.

 

I'm going to tell you, NO. Unavailable people aren't "convinced" they love you if you leave them. And what kind of mentality do YOU as a person have to think you need to "convince" someone they love you? A person who genuinely loves you doesn't need to be convinced of it. They just know.

 

This person is only going to give you what he's emotionally capable of giving. A half-as$ relationship. He will remain in this as long as you allow it. You'll wind up staying and waiting and hoping it will progress, only to see months, years down the line that this relationship will never go anywhere.

 

I'll be honest, you'll never get what you want from this man, so please don't sit around waiting, making excuses, hoping, wishing, etc etc.

Amen. OP's ex reminds me of my ex. I don't even know if my ex and I started off as FWB or more..... It's all so vague in my head now that I think about it. But back when it started, I assumed we were bf/gf.... And the thing is, he was always vague about it. He never wanted to define our relationship. Now I can see why.

 

I agree with KatZee. He's unavailable. That's actually another word for someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (google it). Lack of intimacy and inability to feel love/care for another person is one of the characteristics of NPD. So even if he wants you back, it's not because he's convinced that he can't live without you because he loves you. It's because he still thinks you are of some use for him, to satisfy HIS needs. You will ultimately be discarded.

 

My ex also kept bringing up his ex'es and how they were all bitches and dumped him and hurt him. It's like he was always using them as excuses to justify how ****ed up he was, etc. He also used it to justify his sexual demands from me, claiming that his ex'es always teased him about wanting to do it, but never actually did it. So he constantly threatened to break up with me every time he felt I wasn't satisfying his sexual fantasies, on the grounds that I was doing what his ex'es had done in the past. I fell for his claims about his exes hook, line , and sinker. But now that I think about it, I doubt he even had the balls to demand that stuff from them, because it doesn't make sense that they were so "controlling" (according to him) and he could actually put that question (about threesome) to them. He was just lying to me to get me to do what he wanted. Tellingly, he kept telling me that I was the closest he had come to "getting the threesome", because I told him I had kissed a girl in the past.

 

He used the claim that his exes were so controlling, to justify all of his behaviour, including his refusal to call me when he was abroad, and his trips to Thailand. This was not a healthy relationship. Sure, I wish my absence would wake him up from the trance that he's in, and get him to love me, but there's absolutely no chance of that happening, at least not genuinely. He may want me to get back to him because he needs me for his own selfish reasons, but I don't want to waste my time with him, and be hurt more.

Edited September 20, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[juli017]

When another person realizes that you loved them and I mean real love not infatuation, that you was their support, their guidance, their true friend, they always come back, I don't me literally they will come back to you but they will reach out to you at some point in the future, it can be 1 year later, or 5 or maybe 10 years, but one day you will hear from them again.

 

It is very very rare and bloody hard work to find a genuine person who truly cares about you, if you show those qualities to another human being sooner or later they will wake up to that fact and they will realize how good to them you were, once this light has lite up in their head they will make some small way to contact you.

 

Thank you all for replying. It's quite the eye opener and having more than one perspective is helping me a lot.

 

Like I said before, I can't help but have that little amount of hope that he will realize how much I genuinely cared for him. I've gone completely NC. Mostly because I need the time to heal since I feel so hurt.

 

@katzee. I've never tried to convince him to love me ever. I don't use mind games because I don't have the heart to manipulate people at all if I'm to be honest. I just care too much.

 

I merely wondered if my absence will make him realize that he took me for granted when I showed I cared when everyone else in his life didn't.

 

As angry as I am at him now and as much as I would like to punch him in the face for it, I have to be honest and tell you that he isn't a bad person.

 

He is very caring. He even offered me $2K so I can go on a business trip because he didn't want me to miss out, he helped me when I was in a business rut, stayed up all night helping me research software for my work etc etc

 

I think he's just more selfish in that he cares more about his career than me.

[juli017]

Actually thinking about it, he's treated me pretty good when we stopped being FWB and dated normally.

 

Always considerate in what made me happy and always asked me for my opinion or view on everything.

 

I'll re word my last post: He prioritizes work ahead of me.

 

He still cares. He's told me he does a lot of time that he does. Said he always wants me to be a part of his life because he thinks I'm amazing.

 

Man this situation sucks... I'm a reject =(

[sweetheart5381]

Actually thinking about it, he's treated me pretty good when we stopped being FWB and dated normally.

 

Always considerate in what made me happy and always asked me for my opinion or view on everything.

 

I'll re word my last post: He prioritizes work ahead of me.

 

He still cares. He's told me he does a lot of time that he does. Said he always wants me to be a part of his life because he thinks I'm amazing.

 

Man this situation sucks... I'm a reject =(

 

You are not a reject, don't even write those words.

 

My ex was the same... he supposedly "cared" but didn't love me, aka prioritize me highly enough to truly love me.

 

He lost me in doing so. He came back but could not reciprocate real love. He rationed sex as love. A no go for me, I can have sex anytime.

 

Don't ever undervalue yourself!

 

And don't ever let someone else undervalue you. That's not for them to judge.

[juli017]

You are not a reject, don't even write those words.

 

My ex was the same... he supposedly "cared" but didn't love me, aka prioritize me highly enough to truly love me.

 

He lost me in doing so. He came back but could not reciprocate real love. He rationed sex as love. A no go for me, I can have sex anytime.

 

Don't ever undervalue yourself!

 

And don't ever let someone else undervalue you. That's not for them to judge.

 

Thanks for that. Just feels like my self esteem got bashed to death so hard to think otherwise.

 

This guy didn't ask for sex though. Just wanted to spend time with me and do things for me. Guys are just weird.

 

Wait I'll rephrase. Unavailable people are weird.

 

Must be because they love the attention with the no strings attached to boost their self esteem while they take a dump on others...

[juli017]

Not feeling too good today...

 

Haven't done any work for my business in a week and I spend most of my time sleeping because it's easier to cope that way...

 

I truly don't understand how people can just throw away something like a genuine person who really cares and wants to be with you for a f*****g job!

 

Is career, status and money all people care about?

 

I've resigned myself to the fact I will never see/hear from this man again. He's forgotten all about me and most likely isn't phased by all of this.

 

Relationships for me are a thing of the past.

 

I can't even let my friends get close to me now let alone another man.

 

I don't think love truly exists in this day and age, especially for young people who just want to run around with GIGS because it's easier.

[LostOne1]

Not feeling too good today...

 

Haven't done any work for my business in a week and I spend most of my time sleeping because it's easier to cope that way...

 

I truly don't understand how people can just throw away something like a genuine person who really cares and wants to be with you for a f*****g job!

 

Is career, status and money all people care about?

 

I've resigned myself to the fact I will never see/hear from this man again. He's forgotten all about me and most likely isn't phased by all of this.

 

Relationships for me are a thing of the past.

 

I can't even let my friends get close to me now let alone another man.

 

I don't think love truly exists in this day and age, especially for young people who just want to run around with GIGS because it's easier.

See you shouldn't be mad, the fact is for some people priorities are different. And in this case the two people should make it CLEAR what the priorites are so that you know what you are getting into later on.

 

My ex was never my #1 priority. She was one of my top 3, but my school, her, and business were the top 3. I would say they were all #1, but I shared equal time among them. I wanted a balance, but later it ended up being that my ex took the most time or wanted more time, which didn;t leave me much for hobbies.

 

If it was me, I'd have asked you about the job and see how you felt. My ex and I always talked about our jobs, because her might have made her so into a secluded area, where as my job would push me to a major city. So that problem never came up, but I forsaw it in the future. Maybe it's good we broke up now then another year or two making it 5 years and then break up.

 

Look at it this way if you WANT a guy, who will make you #1, then make sure the guy knows it. Maybe he has other priorities and it wont be fair then if your not one of them.

[juli017]

See you shouldn't be mad, the fact is for some people priorities are different. And in this case the two people should make it CLEAR what the priorites are so that you know what you are getting into later on.

 

My ex was never my #1 priority. She was one of my top 3, but my school, her, and business were the top 3. I would say they were all #1, but I shared equal time among them. I wanted a balance, but later it ended up being that my ex took the most time or wanted more time, which didn;t leave me much for hobbies.

 

If it was me, I'd have asked you about the job and see how you felt. My ex and I always talked about our jobs, because her might have made her so into a secluded area, where as my job would push me to a major city. So that problem never came up, but I forsaw it in the future. Maybe it's good we broke up now then another year or two making it 5 years and then break up.

 

Look at it this way if you WANT a guy, who will make you #1, then make sure the guy knows it. Maybe he has other priorities and it wont be fair then if your not one of them.

 

He crossed the friendship line a long time ago.

 

He pretty much treated me like a gf and it was very confusing about what he wanted.

 

I mean it's one thing to say something but your actions saying something else just causes confusion.

 

He said he didn't want a relationship yet he behaved like he was already in one.

 

We both talked about work a lot too. What we do, we can do anywhere in the world because all we need is a computer xD

 

We're both struggling with it though, and we both understood each other perfectly and offered a lot of support when it came to the stress and coping side of things for our work.

 

We were really in each others corner in other words.

 

I'm not saying he make me #1. Being in the top 3 is realistic and I wouldn't have minded since like you said, equal balance in everything.

 

But to completely reject me and say "You'd make an awesome gf BUT I won't have time", when he DOES have time...

 

Can't help but take it personally. It felt right and I never got along with anyone that well before. He even felt the same...

 

What a waste... it's such a hard thing to find nowadays...