what has happened, shes gone, I feel i could die

[Tom445]

Hi everyone,

 

This is going to be a long post about my story and I really need help because I’m really on my own and I’ve never experienced this before and I feel like, like my world has collapsed.

 

The story:

My girlfriend and I had been going out for well over 2 years. We were really happy, she used to never think she was good enough for me, always bought me presents, we always went out, and I felt we were so special and different from a normal relationship. I could see that she loved me. The memoires I have with her are literally the best times of my life. We did so much together.

 

Last month she went on holiday for 2 weeks, and that’s when everything changed. She went, and she was perfectly fine, before she left she bought me a massive amount of presents, and cried before she went. I waved her off and gave her some presents to take herself and I felt horrible. The first week went by slowly, and I didn’t really do much, she texted me as much as she could, saying she missed me, what she was doing and how she loved me.

 

And then it changed, about 4 days was left in the holiday, and looking back now things were not quite right. She only texted me once a day, it was shorter, didn’t ask me how I was, didn’t say I love you, didn’t say I miss you. When I asked her, she just replied with something along the lines “we don’t always have to talk, and we don’t have to say love you all the time” which she would never normally say. And I wasn’t saying it frequently anyway. This happened for the last 4 days until she arrived home.

 

I didn’t hear anything from her until she randomly text me saying “im home”. Throughout her holiday I had planned a massive welcome home party for us, I got her loads of gifts she liked, baked her all her favorite foods, spent ages emptying the living room and decorating it for her. She came to my house, wasn’t all that happy, opened her presents, said thankyou and that I didn’t need to, and simply tool them and went home. I was shocked but didn’t want to come across pushy so I said it was fine.

 

Later that day, through text, she simply told me she loved the holiday so much that she doesn’t want me anymore, or a relationship. And I felt my world had collapsed. I said what on earth is wrong, where have you gone, what about me and you and she told me to grow up. I’ve been devastated since, I havnt eaten, I havnt worked, I havnt slept, Ive layed in my bed and I feel sick every single second and

 

As of today, I really got upset and decided I need help. Shes now attending a lot of night club nights etc etc on facebook, shes on facebook chat until 1 am and she seems absolutely fine L it honestly makes me feel like I cant even live anymore.

 

I try to talk to her but she just shouts, swears and is annoyed at me, telling me to grow up and live my life.

 

I know break ups happen to everyone, and I know there very hard, but I just feel like this is even worse for me at the moment, she just left. Its like the girl I said bye bye to hasn’t come back home and its someone else. Its not like we argued and she left, she just disappeared out of nowhere.

 

People say stay busy and see friends, but I don’t have any friends because I gave her everything, all my old friends have gone to university this week. Believe it or not but about 5 months ago while applying to university, we agreed to have a gap year together and go traveling. So now not only do I have no friends, no relationship, but also nothing at all to do for the next year, as I feel so bad its ridiculous.

 

This is so damn hard for me its unbelievable. I want her back so much.

Can I even get her back?

How can she just leave me overnight and be fine after everything she said?

What do I do to even cope?

Im so lost, please, please, ill pay you, ill do anything, just help me L

 

 

UPDATE - Shes offered to stay friends with me, and only friends. As she was my best friend this seems like a good idea, it after all gives me something to do for the next year, but do I really want to? I want her BACK, not as a friend, would just complete cut off increase my chances of her wanting me back? Or if im friends maybe I can give a better impression of myself again? Help!

 

Thankyou very much for your time L

And I love you ____, wherever you’ve gone

[Berna]

Break ups are hard, and the more you were invested in a relationship, the harder they get. She has obviously moved on. She is tossing the "friends" card to make herself feel, better, not you. Don't play by her rules. You will get over her quicker if you start no contact and stop expecting she will get back to you. Concentrate on yourself. We, dumpees, have enough pain to go through on our own, we don't have to take the dumper's guilt to burden us too.

[love does not exist]

Same thing happened to me, one month things were fine, next she has another man in her bed after 8 years of being in a relationship. I know where you coming from with the texts, I got no sympathy. It's crazy how things can change in the blink of an eye. Unfair, but it's life.

[eleve82]

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through such a horrible experience. You didn't say how old you and your girlfriend were but the way she's acting, from what you've said, sounds immature and selfish.

 

You sound like a great guy. Perhaps it would make it easier if you wrote down a list of her good vs bad qualities to really get an objective opinion as to whether this relationship was really healthy to begin with and whether your reaction is a response to the shock of her breaking up with you and showing you her true colours. We often go through a period of denial, believing that someone is the only person for us when they break up with us, but when forced to take stock of what we really loved and respected about that person, the reality can help you realise that it was for the better.

 

Think about it, anyone that could behave this way to you, possesses qualities that are just deal-breakers in any long term relationship - selfishness, immaturity, disrespect - a fundamental lack of strength in character to even face you and talk to you decently. Do you want to invest time and love in someone like that? Someone who truly loved you and is worthy of your love would never treat you like this.

 

I know is exceptionally difficult for you right now, and again, my thoughts are with you. You might really want her back in her life as a friend, but she looks like she needs to grow up and it might not happen any time soon. For your own sake, it may be better to just cut her off. You are still young, and you have plenty of opportunities to meet other girls. Believe me, it will get better - time is on your side.

[lil hoodlum]

I get the impression she was using the trip as time away from you to break up with you. Hence the massive amount of gifts and crying before she left. She was out enjoying life during her trip and was preparing to break things off with you.

 

You want my advice for getting her back?

 

Stop all communication with her. If she truely has any feelings for you she will be back. You need to stand up as a MAN and respect yourself that you won't be treated this way.

 

She wants to be single and go out and party/ be irresponsible then let her. Don't persue her at all. She will get tired of this life soon or later. It's not as fun everyone portrays it to be.

 

Sorry you are going through this. It sucks but you don't deserve to be treated this way. Stand up for yourself.

[Chi townD]

Sorry for what you're going through and what I'm gonna write next; you won't like and you probably won't believe me but you need to know what's probably the truth.

 

 

She cheated on you while on holiday. Texting you while she's gone then, one day with no apparent reason, the texts stopped. The "I love you's" stopped. There had to be something significant to trigger a change in her personality so quickly. Like, over night changes. She cheated on you and the guilt stopped her from communicating with you.

 

You go out of your way to throw her a welcome home party. She should have been beaming!!!! Nope, what did she say? You shouldn't have. for most girls, if their guys went so far out of their way to do something this nice for her. She should have dragged you up to the bedroom and attacked you for being so loving and thoughtful. Did she do this? Nope! The same day that you threw her a party, she broke up with you over text.

 

Now, she screams at you and tells you to grow up. Like, she hates you and it happened overnight. Why? Because it's hard to be remorseful when your mad at someone. She's making herself demonize you. Making herself believe you're the bad guy so she can ease her own guilt about what she did. You see her on Facebook chat late at night. Since you can't see her chat list take a WILD guess on who's she's chatting with. HI! HOLIDAY BOY TOY!!! This can easily be figured out. Check her profile and see if she recently became FB friend with anyone in that region where she was on holiday at. OR anyone that's far enough away that their main way to communicate is through Facebook at the moment (perhaps her cheating partner was there on holiday as well). If she became friends with a guy and she friended him right after she got back, that's probably him.

 

Now, here's the rub. She's not going to tell you the truth if you approach her about this. She will deny, deny and deny. Hell, she didn't even have the balls to break up face to face. What would make you think that she would admit that it was her fault for the demise of the relationship due to her sleeping with someone else.

 

Screw being friends with her. You go get friends. That's easy enough. If you have an interest in anything, there's usually a social club for that interest. If you like mountain biking, there's cycling clubs. If you like RC airplanes. There's a club for those too. Hell, if you like fish tanks!! There's a club for those too! PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE!!! Travel! Go see the world!!!

 

Dude, I'm a College Professor. You can go back to University. They have registration every semester. You just need to register in the spring. No University is going to turn away a current student that's going to pay them money. Get back in school. join clubs there...meet people.

[Mcnulty]

I agree with the above - she's got off with another guy whilst away i'm afraid.

 

Now you see her true colours, it's time to protect you...NC all the way, block social networks and focus on you, the present and the future.

 

I wish you strength and luck.

[geegirl]

I have to chime in and agree with Chi. Something happened while she was away.

 

Don't ask her. You won't get any answers.

 

You can't be friends with her. Friends is a way to have your foot in the door because you're afraid to let go. Don't kid yourself into believing you can foster a friendship when someone just broke your heart to pieces.

 

Stay NC. Stop begging. No talking to her. Hold on to your self-respect.

[Dblock10]

guys lets not be hasty. for all we know she could have been thinking about breaking up for a while and that when she went on this holiday, ps where did she go and who with? also how old are both of you?

 

and so yeah, it could have opened her mind...

 

however it could have also been that she did meet someone else and ended up opening something else in stead

 

basically this girl has done a 180 on you and its not right, not fair, but most of all not your problem, you have been a true gent in all this.

 

i think she did do something on that holiday or why else be angry for no reason at you telling you to live your life.. its simple to see this from an outside point of view.

 

chi's advice is spot on. you really need to live for yourself now and forget this bitch

[Mike_d]

ahhh, the dulcid tones of dblock trying to be in all camps at all times. mate, you can be summed up with the old joke "I'm not sure how I feel about being ambivalent...". again, no agenda, no stalking, but this stuff still just jumps off the page at me when you post on threads I'm in. the entertainment value - priceless... /me is working hard to behave...

 

ok, so back on topic - if she did or didn't clearly something ain't right, and you'd have to think that there is another mule kicking in the stall. It would prob serve you well to assume that she did, and then let her work to show she didn't if she wants back in. She's already checking out. Right now its about actions and 0% about any words. Nothing is congruent.

[love does not exist]

Simple as this. **** her. Don't call her, and in 6 months of no contact you'll laugh at this.

 

I'm starting to see the light due to my own struggles. Relationships are pointless. They just end up in hurt, people are to unpredictable. Focus on yourself, and see yourself in the future, not in the present.

[Calico]

Simple as this. **** her.

 

That would require contact.

[salmagundi]

Hey OP, sorry but I gotta tell you, CHi nailed it. She 100% no doubt whatsoever banged some other guy on her trip. Listen, last may I went to go work in the bush for 2 months, living in a camp. I got into town one day every five for Skype sessions with my then ex. At first, all was rosy and she was excited to hear from me. That was in may. I would always have emails waiting for me in my inbox and she was always waiting on my calls. Come June? Not so much. Emails dried up. Skype calls turned into stupid arguments and bitchiness. So when I get back home at the end of june guess what she has to confess to me? That's right. The change in her communication coincided 100% with her cheating on me with some spineless douche.

 

Sound familiar? There's more. My ex wants us to be friends really bad. I used to try and convince myself that it was to keep the door open for reconciliation but that was only until the dust cleared in my head. Her telling me she wanted to be single and 'explore' didn't hurt either. So no, no friendship. I'm not going to be that guy and you shouldn't be either. If you are her friend (and even assuming she means it and you actually spend time together) two things will happen. 1) She gets all the good. You will be there to talk to, lean on when she's down, 'go for coffee' when she's bored or lonely and be on hold if things do work out with the new guy. 2) You get all the bad. No sex. No commitment. Meeting her new boyfriend. Thinking of them having sex. Having her tell you about them having sex. Not healing. Not moving on. Not becoming emotionally available for the next woman you will meet. And so much more badness...

 

Also, I bet you're post is leaving out some details. You're not telling us (or you're denying to yourself) all the signs that you're relationship was going downhill well before she left. It almost certainly was. I'm thinking 1) you were too clingy, didn't have enough of a life outside of the relationship so we too dependent on her (not attractive nor conducive to a healthy relationship.) 2) She was a fixer upper and you did a hell of a job, she found her self-esteem and sexual power and now she wants to go out into the big world and see what adventure is to be had.

 

Search LS for 'Nice Guy' and honestly ask yourself if it applies. I'm betting it does and you do have to deal with that or you will always be roadkill on the love highway...so to speak...

 

good luck:)

[tom4455]

Hey everyone its me (tom445 - thread starter) I forgot my password so made this account.

 

I've had a HORRIBLE day, felt like I could have been sick all day, havn't eaten a single bit of food. It's going to be a long awake night for me tonight, i know it.

 

Anyway I read through everything you said and thankyou so much for your inputs. Reading that a lot of you think she cheated on me absolutely crushes me, and I cannot believe she would do that, and i know, KNOW it sounds exactly like that but from what I know of her she wouldn't do that to me

 

heres why:

She went on holiday with her family, she is only 18.

They went to a family holiday resort

She has NEVER been 'that' interested in sex/other guys/ shes just not really the type of outgoing person.

She tells me it's not me, its just her, that she doesnt want a relationship

I just would trust her 100%, its just, you just know? maybe

 

noooo, she CANT have done that to me, no way? she, no she just cant, surly not, i simply cannot believe she would do that to me :'( please don't tell me shes cheated on me :'(

 

I don't know what to do, I really understand now too that the NC isn't for US, it's for me to recover, and that I feel is impossible at the minute.

 

and.... I really feel there has to be more to it than just 'I don't want a relationship' obviously, and IF, IF it was something she did with a guy (PLEASE no) how can I find out? I HAVE to find out, I can;t live my life not knowing, what can i do?

 

Thankyou everyone, at least if I dont have any real friends i can talk on here

[salmagundi]

Man, you do NOT want or need to know. What you need to know is that she dumped you. You do not dump people you are in love with, you would never risk losing someone you are in love with. She gave you all time classic breakup excuses that don't mean **** because bottom line is she wants to be free more than she wants to be with you.

 

That sounds harsh but not nearly as harsh as knowing whatever gory details there may be to be known. Don't go there. Honestly, you already are feeling like you've been gutted and impaled on a rusty spike. WHy would you want to feel any worse?

 

Read this forum, you'll find plenty of similar stories and see how badly they tend to play out until the dumped person finds his balls and goes NC. This is a perfect example of a breakup that calls for nothing but a massive pile of NC. Feel like **** for the time that you have no choice but as soon as you can you need to focus on you and start slowly getting over her. Hit the gym, that is the one best thing you can do. Then start occupying your time. Work, friends, school, hobbies doesn't matter. But the more social the better. Disconnecting from your ex means you have to now reconnect with other people. Making friends might mean meeting their friends which might include some cute girl that might be into you and etc...this is how it always goes. It sucks until one day it doesn't suck anymore. And the day after that you're glad she dumped you because you met someone better.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. Didn't mean to freak you out, but I just call it like I see it. And I've also seen guys and girls in denial just like you are right now. But, others have made the point that she ended it with you, regardless of if she cheated or not.

 

So, time to go NC and time to heal and move on. If your still got her on Facebook. You seriously need to block her. Don't answer e-mails, texts or phonecalls. Make positive changes in your life. Go to the gym. work off your frustrations.

[Dblock10]

ahhh, the dulcid tones of dblock trying to be in all camps at all times. mate, you can be summed up with the old joke "I'm not sure how I feel about being ambivalent...". again, no agenda, no stalking, but this stuff still just jumps off the page at me when you post on threads I'm in. the entertainment value - priceless... /me is working hard to behave...

 

ok, so back on topic - if she did or didn't clearly something ain't right, and you'd have to think that there is another mule kicking in the stall. It would prob serve you well to assume that she did, and then let her work to show she didn't if she wants back in. She's already checking out. Right now its about actions and 0% about any words. Nothing is congruent.

 

haha yes bro! i just dont like to make false assumptions when no one actually knows what happened.

 

my friend was with a guy for a year ish and he went away on holiday where she was meant to meet him, and anyway his family ended up perswading him to not be with her and that she wasnt a good person telling him to focus on his job etc. needless to say he dumped my friend...

 

its a shame because my friend is lovely and its sad to see that in a way its tarnished her view of guys

[Sebastian76]

Man I'm sorry to hear your story. That is a harsh break-up, but they often do seem to come out of the blue (for the dumpee that is!).

 

What you need to do now is realize that you live in another reality than you did just a few weeks before. It seems surreal I know, but that is a fact, and you must start to navigate that world and not the virtual one in your brain!

 

I do think that she cheated on you, sorry bro, it is very obvious seen from the outside and from somebody who have experienced it before. "She's not the type"... Well neither of my cheating 'sweet innocent neighbor's daughter' exes were the types either. They never are dear! That does feel like getting your teeth pulled out slowly I know but remember it is normal, it happens to the best guys in the world.

 

You should indeed grieve and let your emotions out, sure, but to shorten your suffering you must try to embrace your new reality however rotten it might seem at the moment. Know one thing, if you do things right odds are you will be ok in anything from 2-5 months. It takes time, no fooling about that, but realize that it does get better if you do things right.

 

Take these tips from someone who sees clearly and have tried it before. Ignore them at your peril.

 

1. Don't try to be friends - you'll only be in for some massive torture and it won't get you a picometer closer to getting her back.

 

2. Go hard core NC right now! Don't be her support in any ways and don't respond to bread crumbs. Read your homework about breadcrumbs, so you are prepared for what will come and how it works. Don't take her back at the drop of a hat. If you do, she'll just dump again.

 

3. Get out of your house and meet people - anybody! Try to make as many appointments as possible to force you out of the couch depression.

 

4. Don't stalk! Delete her from FB and every other social media. Tell your friends you don't want to know what she's up to and don't log into any of her stuff if you have the password. If you can't help yourself then ask her to change it. Screw what she thinks, it's all about your healing now. It only adds pain or best (rare) case status quo every single time you stalk, so get into the right habits from the get go. If you stalk her indirectly via her friends FB, then block them too without hesitation. Don't stalk!

 

5. Hit the gym

 

6. Get in contact with uni for a possible spring start.

 

 

Best of luck and good wind,

 

// Seb