A month and a half of NC

[Fitnerd]

and I'm still not over her...

 

I mean, I didn't even officially go out with this girl (you can read my story if you're interested) but I still fell in love hard (my first love).

 

She hasn't even tried to contact me, and she's just enjoying life with her bf. I told her the day before I started NC that I don't want us talking or texting anymore, yeah I kinda regret it now.

 

Meanwhile, I tried dating twice but I end up depressed afterwards, these girls aren't her. The last one I wanted to date turned out to be a total nut job.

 

I have good days but I also have really bad days (like yesterday).

 

She was an old class mates and this year, there had been 2 get-together organized by old students. I know for a fact she didn't go to the 1st one because she knew I was coming, but as for the 2nd one, I don't know why she didn't come.

Every time, I prepare myself mentally (and almost don't go) but I get crushed when I don't see her (I guess part of me wanted to see her again).

 

I thought Id feel way better than this by now.

 

I just don't know what to do to feel better now...

[flitzanu]

you keep going, that's what you do to feel better. and eventually one day you'll realize you've stop caring. just because it's been a month doesn't mean that's as long as you need. if it takes a year, if it takes ten years, you just take the time YOU need to feel better.

[Calico]

I think you can help the process a little by working on "letting go". It sounds like you still hope that she'll come back or that you'll see here. I'd not have gone to those meetings, because I'd not have wanted to see her and not wanted to know whether she's there.

 

I'd also not keep trying to date before you are over your ex. You'll just rebound and compare, and when the new girls come out short, you'll more strongly experience a sense of loss, which pretty much gets you stuck in the same spot.

[Fitnerd]

Thank you for replying.

 

Yes I know I shouldn't have gone to the parties, I don't think I'm hoping she'll come back to me but I maybe did want to see her.

 

And what you said about dating Calico is VERY real, it's exactly what happened, after each "first date" I felt horribly depressed.

 

So apart from "letting go" like you said, there's nothing I can really do...

[Fitnerd]

Anyone else?

[Calico]

So apart from "letting go" like you said, there's nothing I can really do...

 

Actively letting go is hard work. That should keep you busy! Focus on your future (without her), do nice things for yourself, pick up a competitive hobby (learning Go is neat!), make some friends (not girlfriends!), work out, write a book, consider reading a book like "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chödrön (it's Buddhist stuff, but she's easy to read), consider getting a kitten, and don't masturbate with her in mind (this is like a mini fix and I think it gets you not only sticky, but also stuck!).

[WaitingForDunno]

Actively letting go is hard work...don't masturbate with her in mind (this is like a mini fix and I think it gets you not only sticky, but also stuck!).

 

100% true. I stupidly did this once or twice and felt terrible, it doesn't work as revenge or as a connection, they have no idea what you've just done and after the initial endorphin kick you suddenly realise you're alone and not where you want to be. Very bad path...

[Fitnerd]

Actively letting go is hard work. That should keep you busy! Focus on your future (without her), do nice things for yourself, pick up a competitive hobby (learning Go is neat!), make some friends (not girlfriends!), work out, write a book, consider reading a book like "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chödrön (it's Buddhist stuff, but she's easy to read), consider getting a kitten, and don't masturbate with her in mind (this is like a mini fix and I think it gets you not only sticky, but also stuck!).

Lol@the masturbate thing, I used to do that at first!

 

The thing is, every time I think about letting go, it just saddens me to think that a person I got very close to is just going to disappear from my life...

 

This is a girl who told me that I was "the one" ...

 

I just don't understand how can people who love you treat you like that...

[Calico]

Lol@the masturbate thing, I used to do that at first!

 

We all do, and it's like a fix because the pleasure center of our brain isn't very selective -- for the brain, it's real, and it is not different from talking to them, from the "getting a fix" perspective. It totally sabotages the goal of severing the emotional connection.

 

The thing is, every time I think about letting go, it just saddens me to think that a person I got very close to is just going to disappear from my life...

 

Treat it like a death of a loved one. It's both easier and harder because our ex partners are not actually dead (which is a good thing!). For me, it helps to recall that the person she is now is not the person I fell in love with, because that girl would never have done what my ex did (the cheating, the lying, the betrayal, the display of selfishness when I fell apart). People change. Would you fall in love with who she is today? There is comfort in that thought.

 

I just don't understand how can people who love you treat you like that...

 

How can a beautiful summer full of brimming life turn into a bitter cold winter where everything dies? How can a beautiful girl turn into a wrinkled crone? How can a gorgeous rose turn into a wilted skeleton of its former self? The answers are the same: Nothing is permanent, everything changes.

 

Sometimes for the worse, but equally as often for the better (or rather: in the opposite). This break-up may be a blessing in disguise:

 

- you find out more about yourself,

- you learn to be emotionally more independent,

- you meet new people,

- you definitely grow as a person,

- you gain emotional and spiritual depth,

- you really "feel",

- you are much more alive and sensitive right now.

 

And when you surface from the pain and confusion, you may find someone who makes you happier than she ever did. (And maybe that person will even be yourself.)

[Fitnerd]

Thank you for those kind words Calico...

 

I felt things that I never thought I could feel during this breakup!

 

I'm at the point of "I'll never find someone who understood me like she does" but I also know that's not true, I'm just not ready to date right now.

 

Thanks again Calico, I hope you'll feel better soon as well!

[Simon Phoenix]

There are ups and downs. I've been kind of down the last couple of days. One of my friends randomly asked me about my ex during gchat (he didn't know there was a break because I kept most things about our relationship on the down low because my ex is the sister-in-law of one of my best friends and both of us had no interest in being part of the gossip mill) and I had to retell the story of our break, which got me all pissed off and sad again. So that got me off my game, which I was doing well with -- even saw her about 10 days ago and played it about as cool as I could have while she was acting goofy.

 

Went no contact for a month or so after she went radio silence on me and since then it's been up and down. Had a good, but short, text conversation after breaking no contact and then she offers me tickets (she does season-ticket sales for a pro sports team where I live) to a game (which would have put me in position to hang out with her, even if brief). Step forward. Then I see her the next week and she's cold/distant/annoyed the first day (step back) and friendlier/almost normal the second and hugs me saying "I'm sure I'll see you soon"(step forward from the step back).

 

Then this week she tags me in a funny Facebook picture (step forward) which I comment on. I text her a happy birthday today, wish her a good day and said that it was good to see her and she responds "Hey thanks!" (i guess a small step forward, was hoping for more of a response but at least I got an exclamation point). I then ask how she was celebrating her birthday and got no response (step back, I got a bit too forward I think). So yeah, that was a kick in the nuts and hasn't helped with my latest blah feelings.

 

Anyway, there will be ups and downs but eventually it will be all right. Just keep doing what you are doing with no contact -- I very well might go back to it soon. While I guess I'm making progress compared to where I was, I still feel like I'm way the hell removed from getting her back. So stick with it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Actively letting go is hard work. That should keep you busy! Focus on your future (without her), do nice things for yourself, pick up a competitive hobby (learning Go is neat!), make some friends (not girlfriends!), work out, write a book, consider reading a book like "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chödrön (it's Buddhist stuff, but she's easy to read), consider getting a kitten, and don't masturbate with her in mind (this is like a mini fix and I think it gets you not only sticky, but also stuck!).

 

Yeah, I have a set policy never to think about girls I'm dating or have dated during masturbation. Definitely agree with Jason Segel's character in I Love You, Man! on that My ex does have phenomenal legs though and I think about those from time to time. Then I think of Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day or something else repulsive so I don't have the urge to act out

[Fitnerd]

There are ups and downs. I've been kind of down the last couple of days. One of my friends randomly asked me about my ex during gchat (he didn't know there was a break because I kept most things about our relationship on the down low because my ex is the sister-in-law of one of my best friends and both of us had no interest in being part of the gossip mill) and I had to retell the story of our break, which got me all pissed off and sad again. So that got me off my game, which I was doing well with -- even saw her about 10 days ago and played it about as cool as I could have while she was acting goofy.

 

Went no contact for a month or so after she went radio silence on me and since then it's been up and down. Had a good, but short, text conversation after breaking no contact and then she offers me tickets (she does season-ticket sales for a pro sports team where I live) to a game (which would have put me in position to hang out with her, even if brief). Step forward. Then I see her the next week and she's cold/distant/annoyed the first day (step back) and friendlier/almost normal the second and hugs me saying "I'm sure I'll see you soon"(step forward from the step back).

 

Then this week she tags me in a funny Facebook picture (step forward) which I comment on. I text her a happy birthday today, wish her a good day and said that it was good to see her and she responds "Hey thanks!" (i guess a small step forward, was hoping for more of a response but at least I got an exclamation point). I then ask how she was celebrating her birthday and got no response (step back, I got a bit too forward I think). So yeah, that was a kick in the nuts and hasn't helped with my latest blah feelings.

 

Anyway, there will be ups and downs but eventually it will be all right. Just keep doing what you are doing with no contact -- I very well might go back to it soon. While I guess I'm making progress compared to where I was, I still feel like I'm way the hell removed from getting her back. So stick with it.

May I ask what made you break NC?

[Simon Phoenix]

May I ask what made you break NC?

 

I really had no choice. She's the sister-in-law of one of my best friends and him and his wife (her sister) came down to visit. It was planned slightly before her and I had our break (basically me getting cold feet from falling for her real fast and hard, freaking out in a drunken mess and pulling the ejection lever only to regret it but freaking out/pissing her off to where she withdrew).

 

But anyway, I didn't want to pull out and make the situation really awkward for the couple (my buddy and his wife encouraged her to get in touch with me initially) and neither did she I'm guessing. But yeah, I was going to have to see her socially so I broke NC the week before to see if she needed any help with stuff (she was arranging some baseball tickets for the four of us). Now that NC had been broken and it wasn't a completely terrible time (at least the second day) and she was throwing out little signs of maybe relaxing, I figured what the hey, let's see where I stand. I guess I'm better than before, but not great.

[Fitnerd]

I really had no choice. She's the sister-in-law of one of my best friends and him and his wife (her sister) came down to visit. It was planned slightly before her and I had our break (basically me getting cold feet from falling for her real fast and hard, freaking out in a drunken mess and pulling the ejection lever only to regret it but freaking out/pissing her off to where she withdrew).

 

But anyway, I didn't want to pull out and make the situation really awkward for the couple (my buddy and his wife encouraged her to get in touch with me initially) and neither did she I'm guessing. But yeah, I was going to have to see her socially so I broke NC the week before to see if she needed any help with stuff (she was arranging some baseball tickets for the four of us). Now that NC had been broken and it wasn't a completely terrible time (at least the second day) and she was throwing out little signs of maybe relaxing, I figured what the hey, let's see where I stand. I guess I'm better than before, but not great.

Oh, I would've thought it'd be really hard to see your ex like that...

 

Like I said, I took the risk TWICE of seeing her and when she didn't show up, I felt afterwards that I wasn't ready at all to see her.

 

I'm just glad I don't have Facebook, I can't imagine how hard it must be to see updates of her life regularly. I actually snooped at hers ONCE (maybe 1 week ago) from my friend's FB page and while there weren't any pics of her and her bf (her ex before me), she was apparently having the time of her life and it was like a blow to the face.

 

Anyway, lesson learned, never doing that again.

 

I KNOW that if I do reach out, she'd never ignore me and even be rejoiced to hear from me again (she got really sad when I told her I was going NC), which makes it harder I guess to stick to NC but I'm not seeing a better solution.

 

Your situation is harder I'd say as you can't avoid her forever. But you seem to be handling it well so kudos

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh, I would've thought it'd be really hard to see your ex like that...

 

Like I said, I took the risk TWICE of seeing her and when she didn't show up, I felt afterwards that I wasn't ready at all to see her.

 

I'm just glad I don't have Facebook, I can't imagine how hard it must be to see updates of her life regularly. I actually snooped at hers ONCE (maybe 1 week ago) from my friend's FB page and while there weren't any pics of her and her bf (her ex before me), she was apparently having the time of her life and it was like a blow to the face.

 

Anyway, lesson learned, never doing that again.

 

I KNOW that if I do reach out, she'd never ignore me and even be rejoiced to hear from me again (she got really sad when I told her I was going NC), which makes it harder I guess to stick to NC but I'm not seeing a better solution.

 

Your situation is harder I'd say as you can't avoid her forever. But you seem to be handling it well so kudos

 

It actually wasn't that horrible. For as hopeless and emo as I act about this thing on my own (and on this forum, ask flitzanu), I'm actually very relaxed and in control around her. Well, except for the one time which caused my meltdown and destroyed what we had. But yeah, she was the one acting out of sorts the first and I was chill and acting normal. It was almost empowering, knowing I wasn't the only one bent out of shape about this whole thing. Almost made me feel good, though that's a ****ty thing to say because I have no ill will toward her.

 

But yeah, the uniqueness of my situation since I'm friends with her family (counting her brother-in-law as that) makes it hard for me to completely avoid her (though luckily they live 6-7 hours away so it's not a constant hang-out situation). I don't necessarily want to completely avoid her though, as I do still want her back more than I want to move on.

 

Another thing that's lucky is that she uses Facebook less than most men. I'm much more of a Facebook whore than she is. She doesn't constantly update her status (hell, she'll go almost a week without checking it) and almost all of the recent pictures she has are uploaded by others. So I don't have to dread logging in and seeing her smooching on some guy or giving some terrible facebook status talking about cute guys or how much she thinks men suck, etc. I saw one photo of her hugging a guy that dropped my heart for a sec, but then I realized it was her friend's younger brother from out of town and not a single f-ck was given.

 

Anyway, the fact that your girl would talk to you like nothing has happened means she has no real concept of the pain you are going through. So that's why you have to stay NC. My NC if I go back is more to try to move on enough so she'll miss me (while bettering myself at the same time), but you gotta do NC just to get her out of the picture entirely so you can move on completely. Best of luck.

[Fitnerd]

It actually wasn't that horrible. For as hopeless and emo as I act about this thing on my own (and on this forum, ask flitzanu), I'm actually very relaxed and in control around her. Well, except for the one time which caused my meltdown and destroyed what we had. But yeah, she was the one acting out of sorts the first and I was chill and acting normal. It was almost empowering, knowing I wasn't the only one bent out of shape about this whole thing. Almost made me feel good, though that's a ****ty thing to say because I have no ill will toward her.

 

But yeah, the uniqueness of my situation since I'm friends with her family (counting her brother-in-law as that) makes it hard for me to completely avoid her (though luckily they live 6-7 hours away so it's not a constant hang-out situation). I don't necessarily want to completely avoid her though, as I do still want her back more than I want to move on.

 

Another thing that's lucky is that she uses Facebook less than most men. I'm much more of a Facebook whore than she is. She doesn't constantly update her status (hell, she'll go almost a week without checking it) and almost all of the recent pictures she has are uploaded by others. So I don't have to dread logging in and seeing her smooching on some guy or giving some terrible facebook status talking about cute guys or how much she thinks men suck, etc. I saw one photo of her hugging a guy that dropped my heart for a sec, but then I realized it was her friend's younger brother from out of town and not a single f-ck was given.

 

Anyway, the fact that your girl would talk to you like nothing has happened means she has no real concept of the pain you are going through. So that's why you have to stay NC. My NC if I go back is more to try to move on enough so she'll miss me (while bettering myself at the same time), but you gotta do NC just to get her out of the picture entirely so you can move on completely. Best of luck.

 

I understand what you're saying about her not updating FB and all but don't you fear that one day, she WILL upload something that will hurt you?

It's just taking a big risk, all I'm saying.

 

As for me, I didn't say she'd talk to me like she wasn't ashamed or something, the fact that she didn't go to the first get-together (see my first post) to avoid seeing me proves that for some reason, she didn't want to see me.

 

And thank you for the encouragement

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand what you're saying about her not updating FB and all but don't you fear that one day, she WILL upload something that will hurt you?

It's just taking a big risk, all I'm saying.

 

As for me, I didn't say she'd talk to me like she wasn't ashamed or something, the fact that she didn't go to the first get-together (see my first post) to avoid seeing me proves that for some reason, she didn't want to see me.

 

And thank you for the encouragement

 

Nah, I try not to be afraid of things I can't control. If that happens it'll suck, but I can't for the life of me remember if she has any pics with ex-boyfriends and things of the like. I don't think she does. Hell, her and I had no one-on-one pics together on Facebook. She has some on her phone of us, or had, who knows if they still exist.

 

But anyway, I think deleting or blocking her from Facebook makes an issue out of something that's not an issue right now, especially with the politics in play with her being the sister-in-law of my friend. So I'm hoping to avoid that move.

[mvc]

in regards to the facebook thing my ex hardly ever uses facebook (uploads a photo every 2 or so weeks? and never does status updates, literally never) but yeah im kinda scared how ill react if she puts up photo with another guy or whatever. but at the same time i dont want to delete her as i dont want to "make an issue out of something thats not an issue" as phoenix said.

 

so yeah how would one handle this situation?

[Calico]

... but yeah im kinda scared how ill react if she puts up photo with another guy or whatever. but at the same time i dont want to delete her as i dont want to "make an issue out of something thats not an issue" as phoenix said. so yeah how would one handle this situation?

 

One of the harder challenges of a break-up is to really "get" that the other person is no longer your partner, often not even a friend, and frequently simply no longer a part of your life at all. Dumpees, and that includes me too, tend to still act as if we were in a relationship: we worry what the other person thinks, how our actions make them feel, and we are afraid of upsetting them (even if they had no trouble upsetting us).

 

What I'm getting at is that it doesn't matter if your ex would be upset if you unfriended her. It's no longer your problem. What does matter is how you feel, and as you said, you would get hurt if you saw photos of her with another guy. Why would you risk your emotional well-being just so that you don't ruffle her feathers when she would probably not think twice about posting photos of that kind?

 

You're no longer in a relationship with her. Now, YOU are the most important person in your life.

[Fitnerd]

Tbh, I used to care about what she thought the first few days, even went as far as warning her that I was going NC (instead of just doing it). It's normal to still care about her.

 

But as Calico said, it's all about you and your healing.

 

To this day, I still check her "last seen" on whatsapp (pathetic I know but it's down to only like once a week now) and still wonder about the status she wrote on the day after I went NC. I'm sure it's about me (I'm her only whatsapp contact, no one uses it in this country) but I guess I'll never know ^^

[Simon Phoenix]

One of the harder challenges of a break-up is to really "get" that the other person is no longer your partner, often not even a friend, and frequently simply no longer a part of your life at all. Dumpees, and that includes me too, tend to still act as if we were in a relationship: we worry what the other person thinks, how our actions make them feel, and we are afraid of upsetting them (even if they had no trouble upsetting us).

 

What I'm getting at is that it doesn't matter if your ex would be upset if you unfriended her. It's no longer your problem. What does matter is how you feel, and as you said, you would get hurt if you saw photos of her with another guy. Why would you risk your emotional well-being just so that you don't ruffle her feathers when she would probably not think twice about posting photos of that kind?

 

You're no longer in a relationship with her. Now, YOU are the most important person in your life.

 

Honestly, I'm not worried about ruffling her feathers. It's more about creating drama for myself and others as the reasons why I don't want to do it. If I block her she tells her sister, who gets all over me and her husband. That would be a lot more annoying to me right now than her nonexistent status updates and random pictures that have nothing to do with me or other guys.

 

I don't update anything with her in mind and I don't mention other women in general on Facebook or in person - part because I don't want to play that game and part because it's no one's business. She's been the same way (I'm guessing she has guys she can choose from, she's a lot more attractive than I am), as I don't know of any guys she's been seeing, talking to. Though I probably would find out pretty easily if I wanted to through my friend.

 

If my perception changes and I think that blocking/deleting her would be less stressful than seeing her pictures/status updates, I'll reevaluate, but right now, it's just not really something I feel I need to do. I'm not at war with this girl.

[LostOne1]

 

I'm at the point of "I'll never find someone who understood me like she does" but I also know that's not true, I'm just not ready to date right now.

 

 

I know how you feel man, I think the same way. Though I'm starting to believe it's not true, because if a girl understands you, then she wouldn't leave you. She would find a way to reach to you and make you fix your mistakes. If someone truely understands you, they wouldn't want someone else, because they GET YOU and might not understand someone else properly like she does with you.

 

 

The thing is, every time I think about letting go, it just saddens me to think that a person I got very close to is just going to disappear from my life...

 

This is a girl who told me that I was "the one" ...

 

I just don't understand how can people who love you treat you like that...

 

I've been asking myself this over and over.. it drives me crazy at times. But the fact is man, that's how she must have felt at some point. The person she is now doesn't feel that. You and me feel it now, because we haven't moved on like them. We basically are 1 step behind and they have moved 1 step forward.

 

I think of my ex all the time, 3 years we did so much and TONS of memories that will be impossible to have with anyone else. Some events we went to that only happen once in a lifetime. Those memories are the best, yet I have to let them go, because she did.... And it's a 2 way street not 1, so were left there ourselves and have to find a way out.

 

It's tough man believe me, I feel exactly what you feel. I've only been in NC for a month now after a really bad breakup. My heart says it will get better but my mind says it's over and there will be nothing else... it's tough man

[Fitnerd]

I know how you feel man, I think the same way. Though I'm starting to believe it's not true, because if a girl understands you, then she wouldn't leave you. She would find a way to reach to you and make you fix your mistakes. If someone truely understands you, they wouldn't want someone else, because they GET YOU and might not understand someone else properly like she does with you.

That's true... I'm sorry for your breakup, thankfully, the relationship I had lasted only a few months, I can't even imagine how bad you must be feeling after 3 years!

But what you said is very true, and what we are missing is just the image we had of these exes, not the actual persons (who changed).

 

II've been asking myself this over and over.. it drives me crazy at times. But the fact is man, that's how she must have felt at some point. The person she is now doesn't feel that. You and me feel it now, because we haven't moved on like them. We basically are 1 step behind and they have moved 1 step forward.

 

I think of my ex all the time, 3 years we did so much and TONS of memories that will be impossible to have with anyone else. Some events we went to that only happen once in a lifetime. Those memories are the best, yet I have to let them go, because she did.... And it's a 2 way street not 1, so were left there ourselves and have to find a way out.

 

It's tough man believe me, I feel exactly what you feel. I've only been in NC for a month now after a really bad breakup. My heart says it will get better but my mind says it's over and there will be nothing else... it's tough man

Yes, it will get better, I'm sure!

And the memories are the worst imo, we had REALLY good times together, and she can just forget about them in a sec so you're right in saying that we also have to let go... and that saddens me a lot...

But we'll get over it, we have to because like you said, they already did.

[LostOne1]

That's true... I'm sorry for your breakup, thankfully, the relationship I had lasted only a few months, I can't even imagine how bad you must be feeling after 3 years!

But what you said is very true, and what we are missing is just the image we had of these exes, not the actual persons (who changed).

 

 

Yes, it will get better, I'm sure!

And the memories are the worst imo, we had REALLY good times together, and she can just forget about them in a sec so you're right in saying that we also have to let go... and that saddens me a lot...

But we'll get over it, we have to because like you said, they already did.

thanks man, and well the break up.. it's tough, because I had changed after she broke up with me. It's like I was the ideal man when I met her.. and I lost myself later on in the relationship and Im slowly feeling like that old me.. that could get any girl easily just by being me and honest, as well as fun. I mean I can't blame her for breaking up, she didn't have the real me anymore. Except after she breaks up she does... which is why I don't get why she hasn't called back after a month. Guess she jsut wants me to move on...

 

3 yrs is a long time man.. worst of all she left me the WEEK of our 3rd anniversary. Possibly for another guy, but partly it's my fault too. She was away in another city for that week and I forgot our anniversary date too. I was so used to her reminding me, that I realized I was horrible. I ALWAYS used to be the guy that remembered all the small things. I became so dependant on her, that I always looked at her for dates and plans etc.. And that wasn't right. She didn't fall for the lazy me, she fell for the me that puts in the love and effort for his special girl. I've learned that the hard way, but that's my price to pay. At least the next girl will be lucky if my ex doesn't want to patch it up with us.

 

And it will get better, the memories WILL hurt it hurts me to when I see a photoframe I got from a vacation trip with her and it reminds me of her. But I'm sure they remember us too, just that they don't feel the loss as much as us. Because they have found things that can for now justify that we shouldn't matter. So it's only fair we justify that we don't need them either.

 

None of us are perfect, we all will mess up. But the thing is sometimes mistakes are costly and some are not. It's a 2 way street and if 1 person isn't there.. then it doesn't work anymore.

 

Buddy we will make it and it will get better. It's just that we need to feel good out ourselves and not let our ex's worry us. Why worry on someone, who doesn't care about us and is only caring about their ownselves. No point in suffering for someone who can't give us a chance again or appeciate that we have learned and that relationships are a learning process.