Try this again... he should've kept his mouth shut!

[Janesays]

"guys"... I have a boyfriend now, and my ex-husband who was out the freaking door when he started acting like a douchebag! He would've been gone by now if this wasn't THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER SAID ANYTHING AT ALL BAD TO MY CHILDREN!

 

 

Ok, where's the line? As someone else asked, how many free passes does he get to say bad things about your own children before you say, "Er...maybe he's a jerk and I should have figured that out before I brought him around. Lesson learned, he's gone."

 

See, that's the difference between a good Mother and a not-so-good one. A good Mother says, "You mess with my kids, you mess with me. Hurting my children one time is one time to many." And a not-so-great Mother says, "But he's a goooooooodddd guy! He just made ONE douchebag mistakes! I need adult companionship, my kids feelings be dam ned!"

[suladas]

Everyone has slip ups, but that's pretty bad, and to go on and on, especially around kids.

 

I remember one I made with my ex. Said said "My ex just bought a house with his new fiancee, want to see the pictures on facebook?" and I said "Oh which one?" Her daughter just burst out laughing. I didn't think before I said it that it could be taken more then one way or maybe in a bad way.

 

But there's a difference between slip ups, i'd have a tough time forgiving from saying something stupid and hurtful like that. No matter what way he meant it, it was a hurtful thing to say.

 

As far as new people being around kids, as long as they are a good influence I see nothing wrong with it. I knew my ex's kids before we even starting dating, so it made sense that I still seen them after we started dating. But at the same time, I didn't try to be their dad, or replace him or anything. It was more of a friend, especially at that early stage.

 

And for you people judging the guy. Dating a single mom with kids when you don't have your own and never been around kids much, is frigging TOUGH. Unless you have done it, you really have no idea how hard it is. So I definitely think guys in this case need to get some slack, I mean, they are willing to date someone who has kids when they don't which in my opinion says a LOT about their character. But at the same time, you cannot be making comments like that.

[suladas]

Well to be fair I don't know what her daughter looks like but there could be reasons why he's willing to date a single mother.

 

With a teenage daughter.

 

Just saying.

 

Not any decent guy. My ex has a 16 year old daughter. Any decent guy in this scenario sees the daughter instantly as a "kid" and that's it.

[Janesays]

I know Grez sounds way creepy and HE IS (Shame on you, dude), but he's not way off base. I really can't count how many times my Mother's boyfriends made passes at me, touched me inappropriately, etc, etc when I was a teenager. Of course, if I told my Mom, excuses were made for him.

 

"He's a good guy! She probably took it the wrong way! He's never done anything like this before! I deserve to have adult companionship! But I loooooovvvveee him."

 

 

Really, there is no 'right' way to call someone a bastard. There is no positive way that comment could have been meant. None. So you can't say it just came out wrong. That's what that guy thinks of her children. Think about it, that's how he sees her kids!

 

Yep, definitely good enough to be Daddy #3.

[ThaWholigan]

Not any decent guy. My ex has a 16 year old daughter. Any decent guy in this scenario sees the daughter instantly as a "kid" and that's it.

Don't worry, he will come across a girl with a brother/cousin/father - who likes samurai swords .

 

I hope so anyway. Dirty bastard.

[suladas]

I know Grez sounds way creep and HE IS (Shame on your, dude), but he's not way off base. I really can't count how many times my Mother's boyfriends made passes at me, touched me inappropriately, etc, etc when I was a teenager. Of course, if I told my Mom, excuses were made for him.

 

"He's a good guy! She probably took it the wrong way! He's never done anything like this before! I deserve to have adult companionship! But I loooooovvvveee him."

 

 

Really, there is no 'right' way to call someone a bastard. There is no positive way that comment could have been meant. None. So you can't say it just came out wrong. That's what that guy thinks of her children. Think about it, that's how he sees her kids!

 

Yep, definitely good enough to be Daddy #3.

 

That just speaks to the quality of men. Honestly, my ex's daughter was a very good looking girl, but I couldn't even look at her that way. Plus being in their home you see them much more vulnerable clothing wise. Maybe i'm just a good guy, but even when she had sleepovers I couldn't even take a second glance at any of them.

[Janesays]

OP doesn't do decent guys.

 

Exactly. Obviously OP is into criminals and guys that call her children bastards to their faces.

[suladas]

I can see maybe judging her by thinking the bastard comment is ok. But two different dads? Really? It's more common then you think, and I really don't see the big deal? Stuff happens, especially people getting married and/or having kids too young. Says a lot more to raise the kids on your own in my opinion.

[ThaWholigan]

I know it would make you feel fantastic but it won't happen, women have made sure of it by relegating so many men to sperm donors and glorified wallets. Im so glad I was born when I was, I never could've gotten away with this kind of thing 60 years ago.

Keep telling yourself that. For every "sperm donor", there's a man like me .

[Janesays]

I can see maybe judging her by thinking the bastard comment is ok. But two different dads? Really? It's more common then you think, and I really don't see the big deal?

 

It's not that there is two of them. It's that, according to the OP, the first one was a convicted felon, the second one was abusive con artist, and the third one is shaping up to be not much better.

 

It's the not just about the amount, it's about the quality and the OP's tendency to make excuses for un-excusable behavior.

[ThaWholigan]

How in the HELL does feminism have ANYTHING to do with the two scumbags who are responsible for helping MAKE these children? The one scumbag - by LAW - isn't even allowed NEAR his daughter. He's obviously either a sex offender, junkie, violent, or criminal if he's not even ALLOWED near his own kid. How the hell does your usual, bitter rant that "feminism is to blame" even fit INTO this scumbag's behavior?

 

Reconcile yourself with the fact that dear old DADDY is a scumbag - and nothing MORE.

 

Ex-husband number #2 lives a whole 10 minutes away from his own son, but can't be BOTHERED to see him. Obviously, another SCUMBAG. And how are we going to make your bitter little feminsm argument fit THIS scenario, huh Mr. Spin Doctor?

 

Get a friggen grip and quit trying to blame the SCUMBAG behavior of men on "feminism." Dammit, someone damaged you GOOD, didn't they?

He wasn't talking about that. He was praising feminism for helping him be able to have sex with barely legal teenage girls.

[suladas]

It's not that there is two of them. It's that, according to the OP, the first one was a convicted felon, the second one was abusive con artist, and the third one is shaping up to be not much better.

 

It's the not just about the amount, it's about the quality and the OP's tendency to make excuses for un-excusable behavior.

 

Oh I mis-understood that. Yes I can see that.

[ja123]

I always say things and think later crap why did i say that.Everybody has awkward or silly moments we arent perfect any of us.It takes a while for a single guy to get used to kids.My daughters boyfriend wasn't used to having young kids around he has adjusted the more time that is spent in a family situation, i sometimes when i am angry say inappropriate things in front o fmy children i have five so you woudl think i wouldnt make mistakes i make them every day in one way or another different ones though .....and i will always apologise.You should forgive and let him get used to it......it wont take that long.......Its funny because my ex has lost some ability to relate to his children over years spent apart.He has forgotten that kids are kids and when they become teens they need to be given lead way....everyone needs lead way....and to make mistakes to learn from them...your guy made a mistake and he probably learnt and showed remorse....he is a good egg.......keep him..best wishes ...deb

 

 

I DISAGREE VERY STRONGLY.

 

His behaviour is completely unacceptable - he is shaming the OP's children! This is wrong, and OP didn't defend them, in particular the daughter who's old enough to understand such words - even more wrong.

 

I very much agree with Balzac's perspective on this, and this should be a DEALBREAKER.

 

I happen to be a woman. I grew up in an unpleasant scenario so I can't help but be on the side of the children. Their self-esteem is/will be destroyed. Not having self-esteem ruins lives!

 

And having a child be the "parent" is wrong (again, I agree with Balzac.) Look up parentification.

 

You are an adult OP, you have a history of choosing the wrong men. You need to look into yourself and start cleaning up your act. This is very hard to do, but you can do it.

 

Start researching codependency - there're even codependent anonymous meetings.

 

Here's a site: Overcoming Codependency :: Life Counseling Center But there are many. Just google.

 

Essentially, you're like an addict, OP, willing to sacrifice not only your own dignity, but the dignity and well-being of your children ... all for the sake of husbands and BFs who aren't good men. Stop using denial and rationalizations, you need to face reality.

 

Here are some books:

"Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie

"Boundaries" by Henry Cloud

"Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward

"Feeling Good" by David D. Burns

 

You might also consider a therapist, OP, and going celibate without relationships during your recovery.

 

I truly wish you and your family peace and healing. God Bless.

Edited September 21, 2012 by ja123

[LittlePrince]

From her ADOLESCENT PEERS!! Not from a responsible, significant adult in her life.

This adult had only popped into her life one and a half years ago after a slew of other male figures to pop in and out. Her adolescent peers she probably has known for years and possibly her entire school life maybe even beyond that.

[Ugh1]

Ok... so I have thought long and hard about all your comments. honestly, the majority of them made me feel a stupid loser. so, thanks for that. I appreciate being made to be this awful mom. Not the woman who was left alone and pregnant at 18 only to be able to work through college and graduate with a 4.0 and get a great job.... no child support --- nothing, just me and her. Then to provide her with a home and love. She saw me make a mistake with a man when she was 12 and she also saw me not tolerate being treated badly.

I did stand up for her when he made this comment. He felt bad, apologized, asked her for forgiveness. If this happens again, he is gone.

 

Suladas' comment : And for you people judging the guy. Dating a single mom with kids when you don't have your own and never been around kids much, is frigging TOUGH. Unless you have done it, you really have no idea how hard it is. So I definitely think guy in this case need to get some slack, I mean, they are willing to date someone who has kids when they don't which in my opinion says a LOT about their character. But at the same time, you cannot be making comments like that.

 

This I agree with... This was my view point. He shouldn't have said it, but he did. He has been a good man to my kids the entire time we have been involved. A friend, not a dad. That's all. I'm not even going to respond to Greznog's comment about him liking me because of my teenage daughter. I think he is a troll. That or severely disturbed.

 

So, thanks everyone for the comments, but I don't think I need all this negativity. I guess I should stop posting questions like this if I don't want the answers. So, I'm done on LS.

 

I really was looking for the middle ground level-headed responses and I got a whole lot of extreme responses. From "they are bastards so he is right" to "curb stomp him" and watch him bleed.

I do think after all the time we have been together, one idiotic comment shouldn't be the end-all of my relationship with this great guy. two comments will be the end, though.

So, I'm going to bed now feeling completely run through the ringer. Thanks for the compassion, everyone. (sarcasm)

[Later82012]

Dating a single mom with kids

Is he doing you a favor? Get out of that mode first.

[Later82012]

Note to self: Never have kids with a dumb woman because they could be abused by the next guy in her life.

[Chocolat]

Dating a single mom with kids when you don't have your own and never been around kids much, is frigging TOUGH. Unless you have done it, you really have no idea how hard it is. So I definitely think guy in this case need to get some slack, I mean, they are willing to date someone who has kids when they don't which in my opinion says a LOT about their character. But at the same time, you cannot be making comments like that.

 

Sorry, but I don't buy this. I had 2 young kids when I met my H, and he had been single until that time. I did not introduce him to my children until I was sure we had a future together. In all our time together, he has never said anything to demean them. I would not have given him any slack had he done so. It does not take being a parent to know that referring to a child -- especially one old enough to understand what's being said -- as a bastard is completely inappropriate. Worse is that even after you cued your bf to stop, he did not. How long has he been thinking of your children as bastards? And why would he use this word even jokingly ("little bastard") in front of your kids?

 

In any event, dating a woman with kids isn't something only a super-hero can do. If you think this, then it speaks volumes about your own attitudes and history. You deserve respect and so do your children. This man is not giving it. And yes, you are modeling for your children, and especially your daughter, what sort of behavior is appropriate between a man and a woman.

 

I do think after all the time we have been together, one idiotic comment shouldn't be the end-all of my relationship with this great guy. two comments will be the end, though.

 

I would encourage you to rethink this position. It's one thing to accidentally take harmless teasing too far and something else altogether to refer to your children as bastards. Perhaps you should speak with a counselor or other professional who can help you understand why your bf spoke as he did and what your best course of action is.

[yessy21]

Ok, where's the line? As someone else asked, how many free passes does he get to say bad things about your own children before you say, "Er...maybe he's a jerk and I should have figured that out before I brought him around. Lesson learned, he's gone."

 

See, that's the difference between a good Mother and a not-so-good one. A good Mother says, "You mess with my kids, you mess with me. Hurting my children one time is one time to many." And a not-so-great Mother says, "But he's a goooooooodddd guy! He just made ONE douchebag mistakes! I need adult companionship, my kids feelings be dam ned!"

 

 

janesays>> i dont think he meant it that way. i think he was just trying to be funny... like Kat williams talking about mexicans... and how they only had one of something and the other mexican goes... "dont worry Wheelchair." Was i going to never ever ever listen to kat williams again because he made fun of a mexican... i think not.

[CaptJay]

I'm sorry... please pardon the novel below.

 

OP, I truly hope you read this. I am sharing my opinion here because I've got experience with this, and while it may (but hopefully not) come across as negative, it is not meant that way. This is an effort to help you.

 

Ok... so I have thought long and hard about all your comments. honestly, the majority of them made me feel a stupid loser. so, thanks for that. I appreciate being made to be this awful mom.

 

I've been wanting to chime into this discussion for a while, but what you said above rose a red flag with me and I think it kind of ties all of this together, in a way.

 

NOTHING that anybody ever says or does to you, nor anything that may have happened or will happen to you, contains ANY emotion whatsoever. The posters in this forum did not make you upset or feel like an awful Mom because their words contain no emotion. Emotion only occurs by the way somebody PROCESSES and internalizes such actions, behaviors, and words.

 

In an overly simplistic psychological explanation, this is referred to as the A + B = C of emotions

 

A: Something happens, like "spirited comments" here directed towards you

B: You internalize/process these comments

C: You produce your own unique emotional response

 

Many people don't realize the significance of B and think that A = C. It doesn't.

 

What does this psycho babble mean? Well, it speaks to your self-confidence and self-esteem. By saying that the forum posters "made you feel stupid" ignores the B. You even thanked them, sarcastically, for making you feel a certain way.

 

This does not say that you are a bad Mother; I can't assess that from a handful of comments back and forth. But I can say that you're a Mother who has made some bad choices in the past. We all do, don't fixate on them and move on.

 

If you were self-confident and had healthy self-esteem, you would have probably put your foot down on the first negative comment, never would have thought "long and hard" about any these posts, wouldn't blame others for making you "out to be a bad Mother" (you are doing that to yourself, sadly), or might never have posted in a forum like this in the first place.

 

You need to see a therapist, delve into self-help books or web sites on confidence, and practice your new found self-respect as a model to your kids and everybody else in your life, for that matter. Be the rock that you know you can be with hard work and dedication!

 

In this case, however, I believe you floated the idea that your bf said this stuff which you knew to be incredibly insensitive and wrong, added how you were furious in order to defuse the readers to side with you, but wanted vindication for continuing to date him. Otherwise, what type of comments were you really hoping to receive here? When you got the opposite feedback, (I'm not being rude, but...) you became a "poor me" victim feeling sorry for how you made yourself feel by blaming everybody else.

 

Thanks for the compassion, everyone (sarcasm).

 

This just proves it. You came here looking for compassion... validation. You already had the "right" answer to your OP in mind before you posted it. You can't come to a place like this and want feel-good responses to make you feel better. That's "wagging the dog." YOU need to make you feel better, and therapy is the key.

 

I am sorry you are going through this and that you feel the way you do. But, NOTHING that I have said here has any emotion attached to it whatsoever. You can either accept the "poor me" victim explanation and constructively deal with it, or you can take the path typical of low self-esteem by getting defensive, threatened, or angry at what I have said.

 

When people have low self-esteem, they need constant attention and praise from others. You are no different in this respect. And I'll bet you $100 that you will be back on here reading each and every post - looking for an ego boost, instead of moving on and leaving LS now, as you stated.

 

If you need help finding therapy and other resources, just ask in this forum and I (and I'm sure some others) would be more than happy to reply with suggestions.

 

I truly wish you the best!

 

cj

Edited September 21, 2012 by CaptJay

[Mme. Chaucer]

Originally Posted by Ugh1

Dating a single mom with kids when you don't have your own and never been around kids much, is frigging TOUGH. Unless you have done it, you really have no idea how hard it is. So I definitely think guy in this case need to get some slack, I mean, they are willing to date someone who has kids when they don't which in my opinion says a LOT about their character. But at the same time, you cannot be making comments like that.

 

Giving a man "slack" on his behavior because you have children is backwards. The fact that you have children should UP your standards of behavior that you expect and require from ANY man you date. It's not just about you and the effects what he says and does have on YOU.

 

A man "willing to date someone who has kids" … well, that is a pretty loaded statement.

 

If he, like so many of the guys who post here on LoveShack, thinks that YOU are somehow damaged goods because you have children but he is "willing" to date you in spite of that … well, that would make him a terrible candidate for dating a woman with kids.

 

The fact that you even posted that implies that YOU actually believe that YOU might be damaged goods because you have kids. That puts you in a bad position to make a good choice.

 

It's a special person who is ready to embrace somebody's kids. Yet, I have seen it a lot. It really, truly happens all the time.

 

I am not going to criticize your parenting at all, but I do think you are making excuses for this guy that you should not be.

[GLDheart]

I've read through all of the comments. I have a few observations:

 

1. I like that everyone here jumps to the defense of the children first and foremost. That is exactly how this should be. I'm very glad to read, mostly everyone (except for that one creep waiting for up and coming damaged young girls), has the children's mental health as the highest priority.

 

2. The boyfirend seems to make some dopey headed poor choices (ugh1 this is becoming a pattern for him). I don't believe he means to harm your daughter and IS truly sorry for being a fool. You stood up for your daughter. You put him in his place. He has a weirdo sense of humor that then gets awkwardly uncomfortable the longer he pushes it, but he's not the devil... just a dope.

 

My only recommendation is to continue reinforcing that your kids come first. Say it often, say it loud, say it in front of them to dopey when you're having adult "discussions". Privately tell your daughter that she comes first and while you do care for dopey, he'll get kicked to the curb so fast his head will spin if he ever hurts her.

 

Good luck. Your guy is not all bad. Some of the posters here take a very hard line approach, I respect that. But it's hard to see the whole picture from a few internet forum posts without jumping to (sometimes admittedly overboard) conclusions.

Edited September 23, 2012 by GLDheart

[KraftDinner]

Great post, GLDheart.

[suladas]

Originally Posted by Ugh1

 

 

Giving a man "slack" on his behavior because you have children is backwards. The fact that you have children should UP your standards of behavior that you expect and require from ANY man you date. It's not just about you and the effects what he says and does have on YOU.

 

A man "willing to date someone who has kids" … well, that is a pretty loaded statement.

 

If he, like so many of the guys who post here on LoveShack, thinks that YOU are somehow damaged goods because you have children but he is "willing" to date you in spite of that … well, that would make him a terrible candidate for dating a woman with kids.

 

The fact that you even posted that implies that YOU actually believe that YOU might be damaged goods because you have kids. That puts you in a bad position to make a good choice.

 

It's a special person who is ready to embrace somebody's kids. Yet, I have seen it a lot. It really, truly happens all the time.

 

I am not going to criticize your parenting at all, but I do think you are making excuses for this guy that you should not be.

 

I was the one who made that comment actually. I don't mean it in a bad way, what I meant is that many guys do see women with kids as damaged goods and have no interest in them. The ones that are ok with it, and have no problem helping raise someone elses kids and treat them as their own says a lot imo. I don't mean it's a free pass to be a douche or anything (the OP comment IMO isn't forgivable) but if they haven't been around kids and are making the effort give them slack in the way of time to adjust to it and not compare them to the parent of the kids, things like that. Because it's different then a relationship with no kids, in the way that the guy is coming into the single mothers life being around when she does things with the kids etc, much more then the mom coming into the guys life. And instead of getting to know one person, you're getting to know 2, 3, 4 or however many there is.