Ugh1 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Background info… daughter “J” and son “B” have Jerk-wad fathers who don’t see them. Been married twice and divorced twice and two beautiful children from the marriages, but I didn’t pick wisely. J’s father can’t legally see her. B’s father lives 10 minutes away and chooses not to see him. So, my children and I went to for a family outing and asked my boyfriend (dating 1 ½ years) to come along. It was great. We spent some wonderful time together and it was perfect. So, we get in the car to go home and my boyfriend was talking. Best way to do this is to write out the dialog. Me: Well, that was fun. I’m so glad B (2 ½ year old son) got to ride some rides Boyfriend: Yup, that was fun. I’m glad he got to ride the rides, but he took all the ride time from me. Little bastard. Hahahahaha (He was kidding at this point) (At this point I slapped his leg… I knew he was playing around, but I didn’t like it.) Boyfriend: What? I was just teasing. Hahaha… (silence for about 30 seconds) But, I mean he IS a bastard right? He doesn’t see his Dad. (Slapped his leg harder at this point Boyfriend: Ouch… hahaha… Wait, if he is a bastard, what does that make J (early teenage daughter) What do you call a female bast... Turned to him and gave him The Look and squeezed his leg) Boyfriend: Oh… ummm… sorry J, I was just teasing. Didn’t mean anything by it. (followed by severely awkward silence) If you ever need a positive male role model, I’m here for you. We went to my house. We stayed in the car as J took her brother in and put him in his bed. He was asleep. He apologized again and said “this is really hard. I didn’t mean anything by it. I am not used to watching what I say so much. That was so stupid of me to say.” I told him, “yes, It was VERY stupid for you to say something like that. You know that is a touchy subject with her.” So, that’s it. Problem is… hurt my feelings too and I’m not ready to be over it, even though he apologized. When we got out of the car, he went in a spoke to my daughter privately to apologize again (his idea). She hasn't said anything about it. How do you NOT know when to keep your mouth shut by the time you are over 30? I think things and never say them because it would be INAPPROPRIATE! UGH! Comments, anyone? Is he just another A$$ dressed up as a nice guy, or did he just have a stupid moment?
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Two Qs. How old is your daughter? Does BF live with you?
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Also I don't think I understand "A$$" but it would seem BF has financial wealth?
Author Ugh1 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Daughter is 15. BF has his own place. Ended up going home later that night. A$$ is another word for a donkey. He has no wealth...although that did make me laugh.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Well... I am not sure.. I think he may have done it without harmful intentions, and couldn't manage to control himself. I've had moments like this before, where I say something awkward/terrible, realize it, then because I'm so nervous, I keep saying even worse/more awkward things.. and it snowballs out of control. That's not to justify what he said. You have every right to be angry, and I would've been too. But I am not sure if it's worth breaking a relationship over. Just make sure you demonstrate how uncomfortable and disappointed you are in his behaviour, and make sure he does not repeat it. Make it clear that if it happens again, you won't give him a second chance. That's what I would do.
LittlePrince Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Boyfriend: Ouch… hahaha… Wait, if he is a bastard, what does that make J (early teenage daughter) What do you call a female bast... Any child whether male or female is a bastard if the parents are not married at conception though exceptions are made as long as they are married at delivery. Bastard is just another word for illegitimate child.
LittlePrince Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Comments, anyone? Is he just another A$$ dressed up as a nice guy, or did he just have a stupid moment? You know how to pick them. He seems to be your type and I have learned even if a girl drops a guy of her type she'll just find another. 1
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Oh wow a young teen girl was present for that debased rhetoric. That's wrong on so many levels. My greatest personal concern would be his thought process and outright disdain. Not only did be disrespect you as a mother, but absolutely disrespected your young adolescent daughter. I'm a guy so I can be harshly honest to you. An apology cannot resolve his behavior. I would expect such comments to be a deal breaker. I generally don't date women with children but that's mostly due to my urban demographic and profession. Had I heard a man utter such venom I'd be hard pressed to hold my tongue. I suspect that during your 1.5 years of the relationship this was not his first lapse in judgement. Why would he choose to be in a relationship with a woman who has two children? What the respective fathers are like is not the choice of the child, not a situation he should ever comment on. He may have some opinions but those opinions should be withheld from you AND your children. This guy is not a stand up man. Why do you tolerate this? Why do you feel hurt but not outrage? I'm not getting how you extricated yourself from two awful men but allowed this guy into your life? 1
LittlePrince Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Oh wow a young teen girl was present for that debased rhetoric. That's wrong on so many levels. She would have heard and put up with worse at school.
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I do have one other thought and question. Why was your daughter carrying her sleeping brother into his bed? I can understand not leaving her in the car with the creep but why not insist she accompany you? I see that as putting a parenting responsibility onto her. I cannot imagine what your daughter must have thought and felt. Cannot imagine that she feels compelled to follow your lead on dealing with the creep. Absent filial contact, exposure to creeps is her introduction to men. What a tragic scenario. 2
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 She would have heard and put up with worse at school. I consider talk amongst peers, nasty as it can be, very much different than talk by an adult male, specifically one in a relationship with her mother. My thought is that you perhaps fail to appreciate the message his rhetoric sends. It speaks to your personal boundaries, value you place on respect and how to interact with adult makes. You are harming your daughter. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Background info… daughter “J” and son “B” have Jerk-wad fathers who don’t see them. Been married twice and divorced twice and two beautiful children from the marriages, but I didn’t pick wisely. J’s father can’t legally see her. B’s father lives 10 minutes away and chooses not to see him. So, my children and I went to for a family outing and asked my boyfriend (dating 1 ½ years) to come along. It was great. We spent some wonderful time together and it was perfect. So, we get in the car to go home and my boyfriend was talking. Best way to do this is to write out the dialog. Me: Well, that was fun. I’m so glad B (2 ½ year old son) got to ride some rides Boyfriend: Yup, that was fun. I’m glad he got to ride the rides, but he took all the ride time from me. Little bastard. Hahahahaha (He was kidding at this point) (At this point I slapped his leg… I knew he was playing around, but I didn’t like it.) Boyfriend: What? I was just teasing. Hahaha… (silence for about 30 seconds) But, I mean he IS a bastard right? He doesn’t see his Dad. (Slapped his leg harder at this point Boyfriend: Ouch… hahaha… Wait, if he is a bastard, what does that make J (early teenage daughter) What do you call a female bast... Turned to him and gave him The Look and squeezed his leg) Boyfriend: Oh… ummm… sorry J, I was just teasing. Didn’t mean anything by it. (followed by severely awkward silence) If you ever need a positive male role model, I’m here for you. We went to my house. We stayed in the car as J took her brother in and put him in his bed. He was asleep. He apologized again and said “this is really hard. I didn’t mean anything by it. I am not used to watching what I say so much. That was so stupid of me to say.” I told him, “yes, It was VERY stupid for you to say something like that. You know that is a touchy subject with her.” So, that’s it. Problem is… hurt my feelings too and I’m not ready to be over it, even though he apologized. When we got out of the car, he went in a spoke to my daughter privately to apologize again (his idea). She hasn't said anything about it. How do you NOT know when to keep your mouth shut by the time you are over 30? I think things and never say them because it would be INAPPROPRIATE! UGH! Comments, anyone? Is he just another A$$ dressed up as a nice guy, or did he just have a stupid moment? I always say things and think later crap why did i say that.Everybody has awkward or silly moments we arent perfect any of us.It takes a while for a single guy to get used to kids.My daughters boyfriend wasn't used to having young kids around he has adjusted the more time that is spent in a family situation, i sometimes when i am angry say inappropriate things in front o fmy children i have five so you woudl think i wouldnt make mistakes i make them every day in one way or another different ones though .....and i will always apologise.You should forgive and let him get used to it......it wont take that long.......Its funny because my ex has lost some ability to relate to his children over years spent apart.He has forgotten that kids are kids and when they become teens they need to be given lead way....everyone needs lead way....and to make mistakes to learn from them...your guy made a mistake and he probably learnt and showed remorse....he is a good egg.......keep him..best wishes ...deb
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I guess for those of us not in the know about this guy, when I read 1.5 years, I have no fact as to how long or frequently he has been exposed to the children. Of course we all fail to reach perfection, forgiveness is granted but there are consequences in life.
LittlePrince Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I consider talk amongst peers, nasty as it can be, very much different than talk by an adult male, specifically one in a relationship with her mother. With the way this woman goes through guys and considering she is very likely going for the same type time and time again the damage has already been done. The daughter's interaction with her peers will be more important since she spends the most time with them and where she stands with them will dictate where she stands in society as an adult.
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Definitely yup and yup. It's a pity though to think of the outcomes in such cases. You are correct and in that it's just sad to me.
MonsterMash Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Well....thats one way to make my blood pressure skyrocket. I don't give a tinkers damn if it was said in jest, or not thinking or what. Even if its technically true...you never call a child a bastard. EVER. Lets see...the childs own biological father doesn't come around. Which causes issues in and of itself. But then mama's boyfriend refers to him as a bastard where he could potentially hear it? But then refers to the daughter as a female bastard?!?! OMG.....he needs to be curb stomped. And what I find absolutely appalling is the so called mother even questions whether or not he's an ass or "had a stupid moment." Really? REALLY!?!? Do you need a man around so much that you would even consider putting up with this blatant disrespect to YOUR CHILDREN? This thread should be about how this ******* referred to your kids as bastards and you bounced him out of your lives so fast his head would spin. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Really?!?! Why is there even a question here??? 3
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I think the question is how to repackage "A$$" who uttered a verbal faux pas into "nice guy" who needs understanding. Hah! Blown through two losers, two kids in tow, after 1.5 years invested, why hit the kill switch now? Maybe OP has some inkling and came here seeking moral support and folks here to affirm to her that her man picker is busted. Who can say?
LittlePrince Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I think the question is how to repackage "A$$" who uttered a verbal faux pas into "nice guy" who needs understanding. Hah! Blown through two losers, two kids in tow, after 1.5 years invested, why hit the kill switch now? Maybe OP has some inkling and came here seeking moral support and folks here to affirm to her that her man picker is busted. Who can say? People typically come here for us to just support what they already think whether she believes he is a keeper she should forgive, an ass, or someone in between.
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Valid observation. I need to keep that ultimate goal in mind. Thanks for pointing it out. Much appreciate the clarity of your statement.
FryFish Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I think the OP is more upset than she should be because its true...
Janesays Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I think this is exactly why you shouldn't bring 'boyfriends' around your children. The man you are 100% sure you're going to marry, sure. But not a boyfriend. Ever. Kids deserve more than to have a revolving door of father figures in and out of their life. Especially considering Mom generally has a poor judge of character and exposes them to unnecessary hurts. (Both from stupid behavior from the men and also the children to get attached only to have the person ripped from their life after a break up) QUIT BRINGING BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS around your children, people! Children need stability! 1
LittlePrince Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I think this is exactly why you shouldn't bring 'boyfriends' around your children. The man you are 100% sure you're going to marry, sure. But not a boyfriend. Ever. Kids deserve more than to have a revolving door of father figures in and out of their life. Especially considering Mom generally has a poor judge of character and exposes them to unnecessary hurts. (Both from stupid behavior from the men and also the children to get attached only to have the person ripped from their life after a break up) QUIT BRINGING BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS around your children, people! Children need stability! Until they are adults then bring on the flood. 1
Author Ugh1 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Any child whether male or female is a bastard if the parents are not married at conception though exceptions are made as long as they are married at delivery. Bastard is just another word for illegitimate child. I don't care how accurate it is, it is a word that has negative connotations in our society and doesn't need to be directed at either of my children. PERIOD
Author Ugh1 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Any child whether male or female is a bastard if the parents are not married at conception though exceptions are made as long as they are married at delivery. Bastard is just another word for illegitimate child. We were married when my children were born, but that fact is beside the point of my thread as well.
Author Ugh1 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Oh wow a young teen girl was present for that debased rhetoric. That's wrong on so many levels. My greatest personal concern would be his thought process and outright disdain. Not only did be disrespect you as a mother, but absolutely disrespected your young adolescent daughter. I'm a guy so I can be harshly honest to you. An apology cannot resolve his behavior. I would expect such comments to be a deal breaker. I generally don't date women with children but that's mostly due to my urban demographic and profession. Had I heard a man utter such venom I'd be hard pressed to hold my tongue. I suspect that during your 1.5 years of the relationship this was not his first lapse in judgement. Why would he choose to be in a relationship with a woman who has two children? What the respective fathers are like is not the choice of the child, not a situation he should ever comment on. He may have some opinions but those opinions should be withheld from you AND your children. This guy is not a stand up man. Why do you tolerate this? Why do you feel hurt but not outrage? I'm not getting how you extricated yourself from two awful men but allowed this guy into your life? I was very pissed all the way home and the entire time he was there, actually, but he did apologize and it was heartfelt. He does have a history of not thinking before he speaks, but in our entire relationship I can think of 2 times it was a problem. (It was hurtful) He isn't a bad guy. Hasn't been a bad guy in our entire relationship. He doesn't raise his voice. He has always spoken to my children with respect. This is honestly the first time he has ever spoken unkindly to them and I think he just didn't think before he spoke. That being said, I'm still pissed. He should be able to control his mouth at his age.
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