no contact starts now

[AintGotNothin]

Quick Backstory:

 

Been w/ my girlfriend for just over two years. We have a ten month old son together. Things have been stingy since he was about 2 months old. His mother has PTSD (military medic) and anger/ impulse (drug) issues. I'm 26, she's 28.

 

Since my son was about 2 months old about every other month she would leave for a week or so to go to her parents w/ him when we got into fights. This has been going on up until the last time she left w/ him (2 weeks ago).

The last time, I broke off the relationship, because of a fight over money, and she packed all her things and hit the road.

 

Anyways, as far as our relationship was concerned, I always believed I had her wrapped around my finger. She doesn't have a lot of relationships but her family unit is very strong. She would ALWAYS be around and I'd try to include her in most everything I did which would kind of aggravate my friends, etc. If she called and I didn't answer, it would be a fight. if I went somewhere I'd come home to twenty questions. If she would call and couldn't find me she'd call my friends.

 

Fast Forward:

 

Anyways when I broke the thing off, I was the one who felt like he needed 'space'. But immediately afterwords I felt the 'dumpers remorse' I've seen talked about on here a few times.

 

All of a sudden I would call and she wouldn't answer. I would write and email and she would shoot me back a negative one. When we did talk on the phone she would often accuse me of things I wasn't doing (cheating on her, going out and getting drunk, etc). These situations/scenarios began to deteriorate about a week after she was gone.

 

I'm sure her friends (she has about 3) in Georgia and her family have told her not to contact me and tried to get her to get over me by getting under someone, etc. It is what it is.

 

I guess my problem is that I wasn't prepared emotionally for the pain I'm feeling now. I always expected her to come back. I always thought after I got 'my' space we would be together again. Turns out everything got flipped on it's head.

 

So tonight, I tried to call her (I picked up my son this morning and was standoffish w/ her when we met) and although we had talked briefly earlier today after I got him, she pressed the f.u. button and then turned off her phone.

 

I decided to write her an email where I told her I was hurt and that I felt like she was no longer in love w/ me. I told her that I would take tonight to deal w/ the pain but that tomorrow was a new day that I would cease. I told her that I would no longer contact her except regarding my son (which I plan to do through a 3rd party)I deleted her cell phone number and unfriended her from facebook (childish? whatever, trying to have NO CONTACT).

 

So Now I'm sitting here and all I want to do is call. All that's going through my mind is that she's looking for someone to get under to get over me. Or that she already has. The way she's been acting is so out of character for her that I'm just totally blown away and don't know what to do w/ myself. A part of me wants to cry another wants to lash out and yet another wants to go grab the first piece of ass that I can so I can think I got some before she did.

 

So far all I've done is sulk here...

 

Anyways, any feedback would be much appreciated. I told her today in that email that the contact stops as of 8:30 when I sent her that email. It's been less than an hour and all I want to do is call her again.

 

Help me get through these next 24 hours, help me stick to my guns. Help me!!

[lookinxforxchange]

well first of all neither of you should wrap each other around the fingers cause right there is just drama cause you are/she is always gonna come up with something just to tick the other person off...and the only time woman start accusing men of cheating is when they are the ones actually cheating if no body believes me its all good its called lie detector test i would of said ok if you think im cheatin than lets both take a lie detector test and she would of ran after that..and last but not least if a girl isn't txtin you back or gettin back to you right away it could be two reasons 1. shes so busy cheatin on you even thow she says shes at a friends or family my ex used to have guys numbers in her phone but actually had girls names for them so i would always think shes talkin to girls women are cruel and use guys for sex and when they get knocked up they lose interest because they are just thinkin about child support...girls are gonna reply back to this sayin well guys are *******s and lalala but guess what its the girls that make us this way... and i can name alot of things they turn us into but i will be writing all night so i hope that any of this has helped i was gonna go into detail alot more but i thought this was good enough i lost my gf and her daughter cause i got drunk one night and told her i didn't wanna date her because she treated me like crap she said all well deal with it.. it's just the way women get after so long

[Freshstart637]

Quick Backstory:

 

Been w/ my girlfriend for just over two years. We have a ten month old son together. Things have been stingy since he was about 2 months old. His mother has PTSD (military medic) and anger/ impulse (drug) issues. I'm 26, she's 28.

 

Since my son was about 2 months old about every other month she would leave for a week or so to go to her parents w/ him when we got into fights. This has been going on up until the last time she left w/ him (2 weeks ago).

The last time, I broke off the relationship, because of a fight over money, and she packed all her things and hit the road.

 

Anyways, as far as our relationship was concerned, I always believed I had her wrapped around my finger. She doesn't have a lot of relationships but her family unit is very strong. She would ALWAYS be around and I'd try to include her in most everything I did which would kind of aggravate my friends, etc. If she called and I didn't answer, it would be a fight. if I went somewhere I'd come home to twenty questions. If she would call and couldn't find me she'd call my friends.

 

Fast Forward:

 

Anyways when I broke the thing off, I was the one who felt like he needed 'space'. But immediately afterwords I felt the 'dumpers remorse' I've seen talked about on here a few times.

 

All of a sudden I would call and she wouldn't answer. I would write and email and she would shoot me back a negative one. When we did talk on the phone she would often accuse me of things I wasn't doing (cheating on her, going out and getting drunk, etc). These situations/scenarios began to deteriorate about a week after she was gone.

 

I'm sure her friends (she has about 3) in Georgia and her family have told her not to contact me and tried to get her to get over me by getting under someone, etc. It is what it is.

 

I guess my problem is that I wasn't prepared emotionally for the pain I'm feeling now. I always expected her to come back. I always thought after I got 'my' space we would be together again. Turns out everything got flipped on it's head.

 

So tonight, I tried to call her (I picked up my son this morning and was standoffish w/ her when we met) and although we had talked briefly earlier today after I got him, she pressed the f.u. button and then turned off her phone.

 

I decided to write her an email where I told her I was hurt and that I felt like she was no longer in love w/ me. I told her that I would take tonight to deal w/ the pain but that tomorrow was a new day that I would cease. I told her that I would no longer contact her except regarding my son (which I plan to do through a 3rd party)I deleted her cell phone number and unfriended her from facebook (childish? whatever, trying to have NO CONTACT).

 

So Now I'm sitting here and all I want to do is call. All that's going through my mind is that she's looking for someone to get under to get over me. Or that she already has. The way she's been acting is so out of character for her that I'm just totally blown away and don't know what to do w/ myself. A part of me wants to cry another wants to lash out and yet another wants to go grab the first piece of ass that I can so I can think I got some before she did.

 

So far all I've done is sulk here...

 

Anyways, any feedback would be much appreciated. I told her today in that email that the contact stops as of 8:30 when I sent her that email. It's been less than an hour and all I want to do is call her again.

 

Help me get through these next 24 hours, help me stick to my guns. Help me!!

 

This sounds like my story. So weird that when you talk to them, they seem like a totally different person. My ex acts like she doesn't even know/remember me. She talks with one word answers. Everything is a I don't know.

[Balzac]

Enjoy your parenting time with your child. Give her the respect she deserves as the mother of your child, leave her alone. Focus on your personal issues and become the best person you can be. You are connected to her for life through your shared child. Your poor behavior and the changes of parenthood cannot be undone. It requires time to forgive and move on.

 

Your addiction to the drama is not a positive thing. Be string and keep talking here. No doubt it's a miserable time for you. Sorry man.

[AintGotNothin]

I guess I'm taking this hour by hour. I'll update if anything happens but maybe this approach I'm taking might help someone else. Maybe not.

 

Anyways, I managed not to make any form of contact last night. Although I did NOTHING productive to better myself and I understand that has to change today.

 

But anyways when I woke up at 8 this a.m. to feed my son the first thing I did was run to my email, to check and see if she had replied to the one I sent her last night. She hadn't responded and it really bothered me. But I didn't write her another one, I went back and reread the one I sent her and for some weird reason it was kinda theraputic.

 

My problem is that where I'm at I'm the kind of person that's gonna keep checking the email 20xs a day to see if she has replied to me and I know that's not healthy. Cause even if she replies to me and says something that I want to hear, I'm not confident enough that I wont break my no contact promise to her and myself and respond back to get her back.

 

Anyways, it's been 13 hours since I last made contact. Check in w/ you guys when I've made it to 24 hours. Again, thanks for all the feedback.

[AintGotNothin]

Enjoy your parenting time with your child. Give her the respect she deserves as the mother of your child, leave her alone. Focus on your personal issues and become the best person you can be. You are connected to her for life through your shared child. Your poor behavior and the changes of parenthood cannot be undone. It requires time to forgive and move on.

 

Your addiction to the drama is not a positive thing. Be string and keep talking here. No doubt it's a miserable time for you. Sorry man.

 

 

Thanks man. I guess I don't really understand why you think I'm 'addicted to the drama'. Not denying that I am or anything but I mean, she's bringing drama whenever she leaves w/ my son. I have to deal w/ that kind of drama. But sticking around through all the senseless accusations, fighting and questioning I guess could be considered 'drama' but I always figured every relationship had it's fair share of that from time to time and if you're in love w/ someone you kinda take the good w/ the bad and hope that there's more good times than bad ones.

 

Anyways, thanks for the feedback.

[Calico]

Anyways, I managed not to make any form of contact last night. Although I did NOTHING productive to better myself and I understand that has to change today.

 

Take your time. The first day of NC was relatively easy for me and I mostly felt relief after weeks of being in limbo and trying to be her friend. That changed in the days that followed. It definitely does get worse before it'll get better.

 

Just be gentle with yourself and allow the time to grief, cry and feel sorry for yourself. This is "you" time, so use it on yourself, even if it's just for sitting there and hurting. It's perfectly normal.

[AintGotNothin]

So today I managed to keep my commitment of no contact w/ my ex which until today I was unable to do.

 

What helped: Family and friends, staying busy w/ my son, reading other articles on loveshack forum. she hadn't responded to my email.

 

What made it hard: idle time, roaming thoughts, little reminders of her (found some of her clothes in my laundry, pictures etc), she hadn't replied to my email

 

How I did it: Basically I needed to prove to myself that I could NC for 24 hours, trying to take this stretch of recovery one day at a time. Last night I had my mom watch my baby and went out w/ my friends to the bars. The intentions of going and mingling w/ other girls were there but the thoughts that I might get back together w/ my ex and the fact that I hadn't 'flirted' in more than two years kept me pretty much chilling on the bar stool or lurking around the dance floor.

 

This morning was the hardest. I got up to feed the baby around 7 and I instantly went to check my email to see if she had responded. She hadn't. By 8:30 I gave myself a little pat on the back that I had made it 12 hours. But being stuck at home w/ just my son and my thoughts was getting to me at times. So I spent about 2 hours reading different articles on this forum. I continued to take it hour by hour, and eventually I met my dad for dinner around 6:45. By the time I was headed home it was 8:15 and I knew I could make it til 8:30.

 

Another key to my success today was that I didn't have my phone on me for much of the day, I left it in the car. This helped me deal w/ the anxiety of jumping up every time it rang expecting to hear from her but also led to me walking out to the car every other hour to see 'who' called, much like I've been doing w/ my email.

 

The fact that she still hasn't contacted me or even acknowledged my email still is giving me a lot of anxiety.

 

I plan to get through tonight by watching the football games. Luckily I have a friend to watch it w/ because otherwise I don't think think two meaningless games would be enough distraction for me. Probably take down a little more brews than usual and get to sleep around 1 or 2. I have my phone w/ me now so he can call me when he gets here but once he shows up I'll be turning it off. Based on my sons schedule I'll be up again tomorrow around 7:30 if I can make it another hour it will be 36 hours of no contact and that's a feat that I honestly didn't think I could accomplish this time yesterday.

 

My fear: That eventually she will call or will respond to my email and I will be too weak to ignore it. But neither one has happened yet so there's no point in me worrying about hypotheticals.

 

Sorry if I'm boring any of you but I'm using this kind of like a journal. It's helpful to me to get some of my thoughts out in the open and whatever feedback I get and have gotten is extremely helpful.

 

Take it easy yall.

 

I'll keep you posted, even if nobody cares but me.

[Mike_d]

great job, doesn't matter how you get there, but all that matters is that at the end of the day you didnt make a fool of yourself and showed a ton of self respect.

 

lather rinse repeat

[AintGotNothin]

Made it over 36 hours of NC so far.

 

This morning I turned my phone on to find two different messages from my ex. She was responding to what I had said in the email and was complaining that I was ignoring her. She told me the reason that she was so distant was because she wanted me to stop 'taking her for granted' and that 'she wants to be w/ me', blah, blah, blah.

 

I never called her back and turned my phone back off.

 

I know this girl isn't playing the field on me. I mean, she was in hysterics when I told her to hit the road and up there she doesn't really have a lot of friends to fall back on and motivate her to move on and find another man, if only for a fling.

 

She was trying to play mind games w/ me because I feel like it soothed her ego to have me calling her 5x's a day and email her to complain that she wasn't picking up. I think she thought she had me wrapped around her finger and thought as long as I'm calling her and trying to make contact, she can treat me or talk to me however or whenever she feels fit, because I'm obviously still in love w/ her.

 

It was only after reading my email, which she said she didn't read till last night (that's bs) that I think she knew I was serious about this NC thing. But even then I think she thought I would break and wind up calling her back, asking her what she thought about my email or whatever the case might be. I think after she saw that I was sticking to my guns w/ the NC, she knew her manipulation and mindgames wouldn't work and she panicked.

 

I bring my son back on Saturday night (unless my schedule at work changed and I have Monday off, then I'll bring him back Monday) and I think I'll stick w/ the NC until I inevitably have to see her then. No matter if she accuses me of anything (cheating), threatens me ('I'll come pick up my son TODAY', 'I'm going to the club', etc) or just cries on the phone about 'this isn't what I was asking you for, how can we work on our relationship if we aren't talking?'.

 

It suited her just find to do this to me. She wouldn't return my calls, wrote me back nasty emails, the whole deal. Now the shoes on the other foot and she's reacting the way I was, and I ultimately expected her too.

 

I'm not sure what I'll say when I meet her to drop off my son, but I don't think I have the balls to tell her 'hey, this NC thing is for the best, if our love is really there eventually we'll wind up back together' but I will tell her I'm doing this NC to selfishly help myself recover emotionally and that it's not healthy for one person's actions (or lack thereof) to dictate how I feel, and until I can allow her actions or inactions not to effect my emotional well being, I think it's best that we continue to NC, except in emergencies regarding my son. Her reaction to that will dictate my future course of action.