frozensprouts Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 i have a question... the past few weeks i haven't been "in the mood" very much... there's a few reasons... my scoliosis has gotten a bit worse ( can't have the corrective surgery so i just have to live with it) and I find that Im in a fair bit more pain and taking more pain meds. (morphine). my ulcers are also bothering me and i'm taking meds. for those, and I'm really stressed out due to the usual issues with my kids...(oldest has been having more issues with anxiety and depression ), and my husband is going away on exercise again, and may have a six month stint up north...these things are what they are...not much more i can do about them than what i already do... all in all...not feeling so great I've talked to my husband about it, and he says he understands... I don't plan on making this a long term thing. We do have sex, but a lot of the time, it's hard to shut my mind off from these other things, which is not his fault. if you were a guy in this situation, would you understand why, at least for a little while, things are like this?
Author frozensprouts Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 i have a question... the past few weeks i haven't been "in the mood" very much... there's a few reasons... my scoliosis has gotten a bit worse ( can't have the corrective surgery so i just have to live with it) and I find that Im in a fair bit more pain and taking more pain meds. (morphine). my ulcers are also bothering me and i'm taking meds. for those, and I'm really stressed out due to the usual issues with my kids...(oldest has been having more issues with anxiety and depression ), and my husband is going away on exercise again, and may have a six month stint up north...these things are what they are...not much more i can do about them than what i already do... all in all...not feeling so great I've talked to my husband about it, and he says he understands... I don't plan on making this a long term thing. We do have sex, but a lot of the time, it's hard to shut my mind off from these other things, which is not his fault. if you were a guy in this situation, would you understand why, at least for a little while, things are like this? i read this, and feel like i may have made him sound kind of bad...he isn't. he is very supportive, but i want to make sure he understands that it's not him that's the issue, it's these other things 1
Balzac Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Understanding it's not him does not change his need for sex and intimacy. In my world that's the necessary talk. 1
carhill Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I've talked to my husband about it, and he says he understands... Sounds about right. If you're on a opioid pain reliever, that's some serious stuff. Right there I'd expect some issues with normal libido/response/desire, etc. I hope another resolution can be found. If I were having such a conversation with my wife, I'd make sure she knew I'd be there for her and I'd ask her, in return, to spontaneously express when she's having a 'good day' with affection and desire proactively. Secondarily, I'd seek solutions as a team for her issues. I hate seeing people in physical pain. Marriage, to me, is about loving and supporting each other. It doesn't always happen equivalently, like books being balanced. Sometimes there are more deposits than withdrawals. A good husband understands that; so does a good wife. Right now is your time. I'm sure you'd give anything to be free of this pain and diversion from your routine feelings and thoughts. Right now, unfortunately, that's not the path. So, you and H walk the current path together. Hope you feel better soon. 3
Author frozensprouts Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Sounds about right. If you're on a opioid pain reliever, that's some serious stuff. Right there I'd expect some issues with normal libido/response/desire, etc. I hope another resolution can be found. If I were having such a conversation with my wife, I'd make sure she knew I'd be there for her and I'd ask her, in return, to spontaneously express when she's having a 'good day' with affection and desire proactively. Secondarily, I'd seek solutions as a team for her issues. I hate seeing people in physical pain. Marriage, to me, is about loving and supporting each other. It doesn't always happen equivalently, like books being balanced. Sometimes there are more deposits than withdrawals. A good husband understands that; so does a good wife. Right now is your time. I'm sure you'd give anything to be free of this pain and diversion from your routine feelings and thoughts. Right now, unfortunately, that's not the path. So, you and H walk the current path together. Hope you feel better soon. once I get adjusted to the increased pressure on the nerves, it should get a bit better...the morphine the sustained release kind, so it's steady with no real feeling of being out of it... I do try and be there for him as much as I can. I've found that since he knows it's okay for him to talk to me about his problems ( in more than just a superficial manner) that he really opens up to me and I listen. I don't think he ever really had that much in his life, so once he got used to the idea, he really finds it helpful. We cuddle up and talk, and if he's had a bad day, it seems to help him a lot. We do have sex ( a few times a week) but I think he knows my mind is just turning things over and over ( worrying) and it's really hard to stop no matter what else is going on...it's not his fault, and he does try...but for now, I'm fine with just "quickies" ( - I find that term funny) ..not because I don't want to be emotionally connected with him, but right now, my mind is really occupied- i've told him that, and askd him if we can, for a little while, find intimacy in other ways. he said that's fine.
Author frozensprouts Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Hope you feel better soon. btw...thanks for that
Balzac Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Me too on the "feel better soon" as I just cannot imagine the pain, the feeling out of control about it.
xxoo Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I think in most, if not all, long marriages, there will be times when one partner or the other is not physically or mentally able to be a great sexual partner. Stay married long enough, and one is likely to get cancer (both of my parents have recovered successfully from cancer), and those treatments will usually sideline sex for a while! A mature man, in a loving and communicative relationship, will be ok with it. My H has been ok with it during temporary period in our marriage. Typically, I am the one bringing the issue up more--apologizing, and explaining, with him comforting and insisting "It's ok!" As long as it is clear to him that I still care about his needs, he's ok. 2
Author frozensprouts Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 With all due respect, your husband cheated in the past so you're in the crappy position of feeling like you always have to go above and beyond for him to keep him happy at home. When you're not in a position to do so, you're more worried about it than perhaps someone who hasn't had to deal with infidelity. as much as I hate to admit it, there may be a bit of truth to that...but perhaps it's not a terrible thing... maybe it's good to go "above and beyond' for one's spouse...
Author frozensprouts Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 I think in most, if not all, long marriages, there will be times when one partner or the other is not physically or mentally able to be a great sexual partner. Stay married long enough, and one is likely to get cancer (both of my parents have recovered successfully from cancer), and those treatments will usually sideline sex for a while! A mature man, in a loving and communicative relationship, will be ok with it. My H has been ok with it during temporary period in our marriage. Typically, I am the one bringing the issue up more--apologizing, and explaining, with him comforting and insisting "It's ok!" As long as it is clear to him that I still care about his needs, he's ok. that seems to be at the core of a good marriage..truly being there through good and bad...in action, not just in words
JamesM Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Need I say that I would be okay with it? Seriously, the fact that you communicated all of this with him and he knows why, then I cannot understand why it would be an issue. Despite our current issues of no sex, I know in the past when things were much greater we had to abstain for health reasons, pregnancy, etc. and I never had an issue with it because I knew that in time we would be back to normal. I can see where you might be concerned if in the past he cheated, but if that has been resolved, then I cannot see why he would want to push you when you have no interest...and it is more of a "I can't" not "I don't want to" situation. I think most husbands are understanding of an "I can't" because they know that their wives still want it. If he has any problem with no sex for the short term, then let me send him an email and explain what a sexless marriage is really like. Then he will have NO issue with this!
Els Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I once went through a period of time that, while not as long-term and severe as yours, I was quite ill and uninterested in sex for several weeks. The bf never once pushed me for it and took it like a man - a loving, empathic man. I think his response would be quite different if I had just refused sex long-term for absolutely no reason, but where there were reasons such as medical ones, there was total understanding. I'm sure there are other men with similar abilities to understand and put their partner first when she is ill. Don't worry about it, and get well soon.
stillafool Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I'm not a man but to me it sounds like your husband really loves you and I'm sure he understands what you are going through. You have been sweet to push yourself to have sex a few times a week with him. I know women who are perfectly healthy that don't do it as frequently as you with their husbands. The main thing (I think) is to communicate to him that you do want him sexually even when your body won't let you.
paperboy48 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Yes, I would understand....just make sure there is lots of communication about this. Make sure he fully understand its not him, its the stress of life on your shoulders. I hope things get better for you...
Author frozensprouts Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 I'm not a man but to me it sounds like your husband really loves you and I'm sure he understands what you are going through. You have been sweet to push yourself to have sex a few times a week with him. I know women who are perfectly healthy that don't do it as frequently as you with their husbands. The main thing (I think) is to communicate to him that you do want him sexually even when your body won't let you. to be honest, I'm not really pushing myself...it makes him happy, and that, in turn makes me happy ( ah, the double sides of altruism:laugh:)... 2
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