Inflikted Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Over the last 6-7 weeks, I came to the realization that I had developed feelings for a girl I know. More than that, I REALLY felt like she was interested in me, as well. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how perfect we were for each other. In the amount of time I've known her (over a year), it never seemed like she did much, if any, dating, but I never paid that any mind, because I wasn't thinking of her like that at the time. A few weeks ago, I worked up the courage to ask her out. She very genuinely told me she'd have to think about it, because she's had bad experiences dating coworkers. Then a few days ago, she got back to me on it; she seemed really impressed with me for being direct (she said not many guys do that), but her expression then changed to that of sadness and/ or reluctance, and she said that she's so focused on trying to finish up school right now, that she has to say no. I smiled, nodded, told her "It was worth a shot; can't blame me for trying, right?", and that was it. So for the last couple of days, her rejection has really sunk in with me, and I just feel so bad about it. I mean, I have no ill will towards her, I just... I really felt it was a sure thing, and I feel like her and I are/ were so perfect for each other. Not, yanno, like literally "perfect", but the best possible match up that I could ever hope for. I had it pretty bad for her... Thing is, I don't date (I'm 23, almost 24). I don't really "like" people in general, and I'd rather just be left to myself, but of course, deep down, I wish I had at least one or two close people in my life. I'm VERY selective about who I "let in", and this girl is the first person in a long time that I really wanted to "let in". On one hand, it scares me to think about my future prospects. Because I don't like very many people, and because I'm very selective about who I open up to, I'm worried I won't find another girl any time soon, if ever. Certainly not one as "perfect" for me as this girl was. And even if by some chance I do, who's to say she won't also reject me? Then there's the fact that this whole last period of 6-7 weeks has been so exciting. There were a lot of ups and downs, and it was a challenge for me to ask this girl out, I had a clear tangible goal that I felt I was working towards, and I was hoping this "adventure" would continue as we would date, and whatnot. But now, after 6-7 weeks, the "adventure" is over. I'm back to boring old day-to-day routine life. I feel so unsettled... I wanted the "adventure" to keep going on, but now it's just done and over with. My wheels are still spinning, but I'm no longer moving forward... Part of me is hopeful that maybe we can revisit things when she finishes school next year, but I know I'm reaching, with that, and I know I can't live in delusion forever. But it just hurts so bad to even think that things will never go any further with me and her; like, when I think about her saying no, it literally makes me heart hurt. Plus, she and I will continue seeing each other on a semi-frequent basis. I don't anticipate any awkwardness, because she and I are great together, and I think both of us handled the asking out and the rejection extremely well. Truth be told, I like her so much that I'd rather continue being "friends" with her than being nothing at all, but at the same time, I feel like it's going to continue being in the back of my mind, that I'm going to keep wondering and wishing, and driving myself crazy that I was wrong, and that she didn't see in me what I saw in her. Anyway, sorry this got so-long winded. I just... I really wish I had someone to talk to about all of this, but I don't. I have to deal with my thoughts and feelings all on my own, and it's rough. I feel awful right now, and I don't even know how to make myself feel better, and how to start moving on.
chuzzbug Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 There are two possibilities: A - she isn't interested in dating you, regardless of circumstances B - she is in principle interested in dating you, but not under current circumstances If (A), there is nothing you can do. Be a gentleman and never bring it up again. Being rejected sucks, there's no doubt about it. If (B), there is something you can do, but it's indistinguishable from (A). Be a gentleman and demonstrate to her that you respect her decision. If you are continuing to hang out, be your charming and funny self and see what happens. At this point, you can only do things to drive her away, possibly lose the friendship. Your goal was to man-up to ask her out. Now your goal is to man-up and be considerate and respectful - a much harder task. The little worm in your mind will continue to go round and round with questions. Do not focus on this - again, a very hard task - instead, make all experiences with her as positive as possible (without making it look like you're trying too hard). For therapy, go watch Swingers, paying particular attention to the conversation at the start of the movie ... "You can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to not make her want to come back."
okiedokie Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 OP,I really think you should recognize what I see as the bigger thing here.. that you stepped up and asked a person you were interested in. It's never an easy thing to do to risk rejection so I admire your actions and how you handled yourself. Not every person we want to be interested in us is going to be interested in us, we don't know unless we try..you did and although it wasn't the answer you wished it were you won't be sitting around when you are 80 and wrinkled thinking "I really regret not asking out that gal I worked with...". To be honest I didn't read a solid "no" I read more of a "not right now" which may or may not become an open door down the road. Which is all the more reason to continue to conduct yourself with the level of class you've shown so far. I think the important thing is to recognize that you took the step and asked out someone you were interested in and you handled the turn down with class and dignity and I think that says a lot. Learn to look for the good it exists even in the bad if you open yourself to seeing it. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, but you are more apt to find it when you are willing to take risks that you demonstrated that you are.
Author Inflikted Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Yeah, deep down, I know there are "positives" coming out of this situation, and that I've "progressed" as a person more in these last few months than I have in the last few years. I know it's pretty silly for the average person to get so worked up over something like this, but eh, she was the first girl I've ever REALLY liked and wanted to be with for the right reasons, and I was positive there was something there, and that we'd go out and see what would come of it. It just hit me really hard, because this is all completely new to me, and it really seemed like something special. For what it's worth, though, I'm doing okay now. I'm not constantly thinking about her now, nor am I feeling hurt and sad about her saying no. I still have some... lingering thoughts, and I still kinda sorta wonder if maybe things can be different for us in the future, but overall, I'm okay. In fact, I worked with her today (the first time I've seen her since she said no), and things seemed good. We were back to our nice little dynamic, talking and messing around with each other, and making each other laugh, and it was nice. I was worried things would be awkward, at least for a while, but thankfully, that's not the case. Admittedly, I'm still a little bummed that this "adventure" is over, and that I'm back to my boring regular old unexciting life, but hopefully my next "adventure" will start sooner rather than later. I guess we'll see.
Author Inflikted Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 There are two possibilities: A - she isn't interested in dating you, regardless of circumstances B - she is in principle interested in dating you, but not under current circumstances If (A), there is nothing you can do. Be a gentleman and never bring it up again. Being rejected sucks, there's no doubt about it. If (B), there is something you can do, but it's indistinguishable from (A). Be a gentleman and demonstrate to her that you respect her decision. If you are continuing to hang out, be your charming and funny self and see what happens. At this point, you can only do things to drive her away, possibly lose the friendship. Your goal was to man-up to ask her out. Now your goal is to man-up and be considerate and respectful - a much harder task. The little worm in your mind will continue to go round and round with questions. Do not focus on this - again, a very hard task - instead, make all experiences with her as positive as possible (without making it look like you're trying too hard). So, just out of curiosity... How will I ever know which of those two possibilities is correct? If, in 6-8 months, when school is over, and we see where things are, how do I know if it's "okay" or not for me to try asking her again? I mean, I'm not going to try to force anything, but I sorta wish she and I could talk a little more about this. I just wish I knew what she really thinks of me (in terms of how "dateable" she finds me), and if she'd consider seeing where things are with me after school ends. But I can't exactly bring it up again, as I'd just be "picking at it", and I don't want her to think I'm obsessing over it or anything like that.
Author Inflikted Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Also, would it be at all inappropriate to have one more conversation with her about this? I mean, just to tie up the "loose ends", so to speak? Yanno, see if she's open to revisiting it later, or if it's off the table period? I mean, I don't want to make things unnecessarily weird with her, but I just wonder if we're on the same page, yanno?
g450 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 My opinion is that she is only 24 so she is still in party mode and wants to have fun withought being tied down by a commitment. A lot of women are like that as if they are decent looking they can have any guy they want. Or she just really isnt all that into you. Either way just leave her be. But dont let her friendzone you into being her emotional tampon while she dates other men. I made that mistake one time. Never again.
Author Inflikted Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 My opinion is that she is only 24 so she is still in party mode and wants to have fun withought being tied down by a commitment. A lot of women are like that as if they are decent looking they can have any guy they want. Technically, she's a couple years younger than me, but I don't necessarily know that she falls into the category you described. One of the littler things her and I have "connected" on in the past was not really liking the crazy "party" stuff, and whatnot. Even when we chitchat about what we did/ are doing on the weekends, it doesn't sound like she does that kinda thing. Anyway, I've never expected anyone to just jump into a committed relationship with me, I just like her a lot, and think we'd get along pretty well, and want to see where things could go. Also, I'm really not sure she does, or has been doing, much dating since I met her. Looking back, I remember, shortly after I met her, having overheard her saying something about bad experiences with exes, and the entire time I've known her, it doesn't seem like she's been dating or having guys in her life. I'm not really sure what the story is there, though. Actually, a few weeks before I asked her out, I overheard another guy we work with asking her out, and she kept deflecting him, saying "I feel like that would be really weird". Funny enough, just before she told me no, she praised me pretty good for having asked her out. So, I dunno, part of me hopes maybe I can "win her over" in time. I'm sure most would agree that my time would be better spent finding another girl, but honestly, I'm not actually in "looking" mode right now (this girl kinda snuck up on me), so even if I hold out a while to see if I can try again with her, it's not like I'd be missing out on anything, anyway. I guess we'll see what happens.
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