veryhappy Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I'm interested to know from the people who had or are having an EA why they don't expand it to a PA. Is it a way to stay in denial? It's not quite cheating of it's not physical... Does it involve people (women) who are not that much into sex? Is it that the sex life at home is fine, and the need is just emotional? I can't wrap my mind around it, as for me it would be part of wanting to get to know the person. Isn't there a sense of missing something from connecting with the AP?
underwater2010 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 A lot of people...ecspecially men figure that if there is no physical contact then they are not having an affair. Most of the time affairs are busted up before it becomes physical too. It also depends on what you consider is included in a PA....kissing, holding hands, hugging or does it just have to be sex ie. oral or intercourse. 2
MissBee Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Mine was an EA for maybe a year before it became a PA as well. It was due to the fact that it was LD as well so mostly a logistical thing.
BetrayedH Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 (edited) Forgive me for commenting as a BS. Just wanted to say that most EAs I read about here are due to distance. Old HS GF/BF stuff. On the Infidelity forum, it's BSs wanting to believe it was just an EA. I'm sure there are exceptions so forgive me twice as I guess that's what you're really asking about. Edited September 20, 2012 by BetrayedH
carhill Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 I'm interested to know from the people who had or are having an EA why they don't expand it to a PA. Having seen it from both sides of the street, the commonality is I only have sex within a committed monogamous relationship. As an OM, the WM's had husbands; as a MM, I was married. In either circumstance, it was impossible to have a committed and monogamous relationship with the person, so no progression to sex on my part occurred. A few MW's have propositioned me for sex, both as a single and married man, but I declined. The EA's were definitely affairs, IMO. They lasted over long periods of time, included terms of endearment and love and non-sexual physical affection. I don't use the Bill Clinton defense. It is what it is. The MW's I've known have only admitted to PA's, so I doubt they saw their inappropriate relationships with myself as affairs. Anything is possible though. Human nature being what it is, minimizing is normal. That's my anecdote. Fortunately, MC solved the puzzle and I was able to more clearly draw boundaries of decorum and prevent the slippery slope from friend to therapist to inappropriate relationship. No problems since. Good luck. 2
Author veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 Forgive me for commenting as a BS. Just wanted to say that most EAs I read about here are due to distance. Old HS GF/BF stuff. On the Infidelity forum, it's BSs wanting to believe it was just an EA. I'm sure there are exceptions so forgive me twice as I guess that's what you're really asking about. Twice forgiven Thanks for the input. I can see how some WS would try to ease things for themselves with making look like an EA instead of a full PA. I hadn't thought of that.
beenburned Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Carhill, Good post! In my long term marriage I have been infatuated with 2 different men.(and they with me) I have known both of them for many years. They were both honest and upfront with me about their feelings for me.(in love with me) And they both asked me to divorce my H and marry them. I failed to tell either of them how I really felt about them due to my loyalty to my H/marriage. When looking back with hindsight, maybe I should have told them how I felt about them because both of them were terribly hurt by my not responding to their confessions. I'm sure it left them feeling very rejected and embarassed! It would have made them feel better to know that they were the greatest temptations of my entire life.(even if I wouldn't leave H and marry them)
sleepie Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 My EA never progressed to a PA for a few reasons. The primary one was that I knew a PA would be a dealbreaker for H, and I knew deep down that my H was what I wanted, so I never took that step. xMOM wanted to move to that level, of course, but I didn't. The sex in my M was great. Always has been. Very active and frequent, very fun. I didn't need to get it somewhere else. Also, truth be told, my xMOM wasn't a particularly attractive man. I didn't really find him physically attractive at all.
canuckprincess Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 In my expeience just because a spouse says it wasn't a PA doesn't mean a dam thing. News flash people, cheaters lie. They down play the affair to save their A$$. It's not to protect the OW/OM or BS, it' to protect themselves. 99% of us wouldn't be in the situation we're currently in if we used common sense and gut instinct.
gena Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 In my case , my EAs were long distance (many states away), done over email and Instant messaging only. They were my ex boyfriends from HS. I never seriously considered meeting up with any of them because, while I knew what I was doing was wrong, I still convinced myself that actually meeting would be WAY worse. Also too, I was only really looking for the emotional fulfillment. I didn't need it to turn into a PA.
sleepie Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 My exwife was like you. Her single OM was butt ugly, but it was a long distance EA, so I guess that was moot. However, they met and had sex. If she had not done that i would have forgiven her, but once she crossed the line I was done. Why do some women have affairs with men that are vastly inferior to H at home? Why did you do that? Well, I can only speak for myself, not for other WW. But my EA had a lot less to do with the xMOM, and a lot more to do with myself. I was feeling dumpy/lumpy after kids. I was lonely in a new town. My career was in the toilet. I was hating where my life was. I didn't blame my H for this, but I felt miserable and alone, despite the support H offered. When xMOM came along, he made me feel attractive, provided me with the company/friendship I needed (he was more available to talk than H because of work schedules), and gave me something/someone to focus on other than myself. Believe me, xMOM can't hold a candle to H in ANY way at all. So in a way, part of my answer to your question is: I have no frackin' idea. And when I look back on it, I think I must have been insane. I know how stupid that sounds, believe me. I wish I had an answer for you.
Spark1111 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 My exwife was like you. Her single OM was butt ugly, but it was a long distance EA, so I guess that was moot. However, they met and had sex. If she had not done that i would have forgiven her, but once she crossed the line I was done. Why do some women have affairs with men that are vastly inferior to H at home? Why did you do that? The need to feel empowered by feeling superior. Unfortunately, very common. Many affair "down."
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I think affairing down also has to do with opportunity and the fact that it will remain secret. The external validation is great, the person is available, they are hot for me, my genitals will still feel good, and I don't have to present them to anyone I know. 1
LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Anyway, I guess I will never know the answer. The answer seems to lie in what you write. She got emotionally fulfillment from this guy, whatever he looked like and however much he had in his bank account. That is what she needed at the time, not a rich, dashing stud.
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