Author shacci2000 Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 I wouldn't do anything you have been advised to do on this thread. I would take my time, say like a year to 18 months and figure out what you really want. If its you husband great, then you havn't blown up everything by blabbing like a school girl, if it's someone else great go pursue it, and if it's your H and someone else, well that's you business. Good luck to you. Thank you for your understanding! I am seeking some counseling next week. My emotions are all over the place. I definitely need someone to help me sort all of this out. Time will tell how I really feel - like you say. I've been through a crazy year - my dad died, moved my mom to California, going thru some crazy menopause stuff, grown children back in the house, etc. I just feel like running away!
AnotherRound Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 First off, you have not given nearly enough information here for anyone to decide that you have a personality disorder, so just ignore that completely. Just bc you do not feel guilt about this one thing does not mean that you are disordered. Secondly, you obviously have had a LOT going on this past year. It sounds to me as if you are in a bit of emotional "shock". This can happen to any of us if we are overwhelmed with trauma in our lives, as it sounds you have been recently. I definitely think that counseling is the way to go here. It will give you a chance to start to process through some of the majorly traumatic situations you have been dealing with (death of a parent is HIGH on the list, as is a diagnosed chronic/terminal medical issue). It will also allow you to process these things in a safe place, with some gentle guidance, so that when you do come out of the emotional shock (and you will, at some point, and it will most likely feel like someone has opened a floodgate inside your head and heart), you will be more prepared to handle it (as not handling it leads to things like "nervous breakdowns" and such). Good luck with it all, sounds like your life has been quite complicated lately, and it's going to take some sorting out. Just imagine the relief though when you are able to sort through it all and get your bearings back. I wouldn't make a single major decision right until you are out of the shock, bc if you do, it's bound to be a decision you wouldn't make if you were seeing things clearly. 2
Author shacci2000 Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 thanks for the understanding - it is nice to know that people can and do have compassion when someone is going through so much "stuff". i think the OM was an innocent bystander in my crazy emotions - he is a good man and his lady is lucky to have him - i hope that we can continue to be friends ~ we are able to communicate honestly and openly. my H deserves better and is being supportive while i work thru this crazy time in my life. he is a wonderful man and i am lucky to have him ~ after so many years i don't feel i'm able to communicate all that i'm feeling without hurting him ~ the last thing i want to do! its just that my world has turned upside down and my feelings have done the same. i can't help the way i'm feeling and need to sort it all out!
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 thanks for the understanding - it is nice to know that people can and do have compassion when someone is going through so much "stuff". i think the OM was an innocent bystander in my crazy emotions - he is a good man and his lady is lucky to have him - i hope that we can continue to be friends ~ we are able to communicate honestly and openly. my H deserves better and is being supportive while i work thru this crazy time in my life. he is a wonderful man and i am lucky to have him ~ after so many years i don't feel i'm able to communicate all that i'm feeling without hurting him ~ the last thing i want to do! its just that my world has turned upside down and my feelings have done the same. i can't help the way i'm feeling and need to sort it all out! You can't help the way you're feeling but you can control the way you handle it. I guess I'm still having some trouble understanding why you have more respect for your exMM than your own husband. He was the one there for you for so many years, supporting you throughout your illness and recovery. I'm not judging you, sometimes people change after a serious illness..It happens..But do get help, counselling to help deal with this and include your husband in the process. Be honest and let him know that you don't feel that passion for him anymore, that maybe you can't see spending the rest of your life with him. No more cheating, all that does is make everything worse and innocent people get hurt along the way. 1
Author shacci2000 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 i am not trying to justify my infidelity ~ nothing can do that. the validation comes from many sources not just the OM ~ i'm starting to recognize the new me and learning how to accept it. i know that my mind is all over the place and figure it has to do with all the stuff that has been going on over the past year.
nofool4u Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Shacci2000 if you were looking for male attention why didn't you turn to your loving husband? Why do you feel you need the attention of other men? Because getting "love" from her her loving husband is boring. He isn't new enough. He can't be a different person every other month. Its all about getting a new face looking at you when having sex, new body, new, well, you get the point.
Author shacci2000 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Wow - it must be nice to know all the answers and be above reproach! Of course you would be a Romney fan... 1
Douchbag Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Wow - it must be nice to know all the answers and be above reproach! Of course you would be a Romney fan... Look. here is the thing. There is nothing wrong to "find" your self.And figure out who you are..As long as you do it on your own time...And not at the expense of your husband in this case... Find your self fair enough.But let your husband know if he wants to be a part of it,the way you seem to wanna do it.. Few men/women would not play along while there spouse "find them self" its called cake eating.. Please do it on your own time 1
twosadthings Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Why is it that when people say they need to find their happiness it comes at the expense of the people that love them? Didn't your "wonderful" husband stick by you during your health issues? Why are you putting his happiness at risk now that you're healthy? Sooner or later he's going to find out and then you'll know what sick really feels like.
nofool4u Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Wow - it must be nice to know all the answers and be above reproach! Of course you would be a Romney fan... Nobody is above reproach. But unlike you, others don't have to worry about it because they won't bring themselves to hurt others IRL. Not a Romney fan at all, just don't like Obama's policies. But what does that have to do with the price of corn in Iowa? Don't have anything to address what I said, so you come up with that? Oy vey.
nofool4u Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Why is it that when people say they need to find their happiness it comes at the expense of the people that love them? Because they don't care about anyone but themselves.
fillintheblank Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 What were you hoping to get out of this situation? A one time hook up, multiple hook ups or a relationship? It seems as though this guy has been hesitant from the beginning...but as some men are, if you push enough, they surrender. It doesn't seem like emotions are involved for him and truthfully not sure if flirting and sexting constitutes a real friendship... You made some really good points but I don't think you can push anyone into something they don't want to do. So unless she put a gun to his head and forced him then he was a willing participant. If he really didn't want to go through with it he would have said no and stopped it in its tracks but he didn't so that tells me he did want it he was just processing the guilt and the guilt didn't win out.
nofool4u Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 And whats with the smiley/laughing face next to the title of your thread? Something funny about all this? This just a big joke to you? I think your husband would think otherwise. Your actions are not that of someone who is remorseful about what she is doing to her husband. Set him free from you. He deserves better.
Author shacci2000 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 i know that what i've done is wrong; that's why i'm here trying to find some help to sort it all out. i didn't come here to ask for anyone's validation or approval just for some insight and help. that's certainly not what you're doing here ~ you are merely here to pass judgement on folks. not a nice quality ~ i hope you never do anything that you regret or have second thoughts about. for your information, i didn't put the smiley face there; it was there when i started to submit my info ~ it's my first time here and i didn't know how to change it or take it away. thanks for your understanding ~ not!!
Author shacci2000 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Because they don't care about anyone but themselves. you are soooo wrong
Author shacci2000 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Nobody is above reproach. But unlike you, others don't have to worry about it because they won't bring themselves to hurt others IRL. Not a Romney fan at all, just don't like Obama's policies. But what does that have to do with the price of corn in Iowa? Don't have anything to address what I said, so you come up with that? Oy vey. you're such a jerk! do you come on here just to cut people down?
nofool4u Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 you're such a jerk! Coming from someone like you, thats an honor. You DO only care about yourself, you said yourself you loved it and you don't feel remorse for what you have done. Thats not the feelings and actions of someone that cares about those they betray. You say you came here to sort things out. Well tell us, what is to sort out when you don't feel guilt for what you've done? It is what it is, you enjoyed it and don't want to even think about respecting your husband by cutting off contact with this other man. You want to sort it out?? Then its simple. Come clean to your husband. That just might be the wake up call you need. But something tells me you don't respect him enough to be honest and give him information about his wife that he deserves.
Ladydrib Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 so this work colleague and I had been flirting for a few years; i'm married and assumed he was married too so it was all very innocent. i found out about 10 months ago that he was divorced. recently i had a life changing health issue and have since lost about 70 pounds. i'd been feeling like life is so short and i want to live again! i've gained much new found confidence because of my new appearance and life changing health scare. i began to flirt more purposefully with him and he reacted positively. we began to talk on the phone and started sexting, etc. we had lunch together and he told me he is in a relationship and not sure if he wants to pursue this. however; time won and we continued to talk about being together sexually, etc. this went on for about two months. finally this past week we were both at the same conference in the same hotel and we had sex. i was over the moon with excitement and still don't feel guilty about it - although i should; my husband is a very loving, great guy. my colleague told me today that he feels very guilty because of his relationship friend and that it can't happen again. i feel hurt although i knew this was a possibility. we have been good friends and i'm hoping to continue that. i'm just not sure how to handle all this. please help me sort these feelings out! thanks Flirting is never innocent. So your husband stayed by your side as you let yourself go and the second you start taking care of yourself again you had an affair? Nice. People should not just stop taking care of themselves because they are married. The way I see it, you held your husband hostage putting him in a position where he had to either find a way to be sexually attracted to you or cheat and the minute you finally held up part of your end of the deal in marriage (to take care of oneself) then you cheat. I can understand a lot of situations, but not this one.
Ladydrib Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 i appreciate the support from many and as far as the ones who are quick to pass judgement - you haven't stood in my shoes or know the health issues i've survived which resulted in the weight loss. i'm not gloating, just trying to be happy and discover who i really am. Who would gloat about nearly dieing? You don't display the behavior of someone whose life was truly at risk. Sounds like you are making excuses.
thomasb Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Well, I think Nobama is a cruel joke. And I was a MM. I can tell you, if you want to spoil all those good feelings about yourself, have an affair. Your self worth will plummet to record lows. It took years for me to get over feeling like a low life, dirty lair.
2sunny Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 It's difficult to show someone what they need to see when their position stands on defensiveness and justifications. People here are trying to give you some perspective and provide you with their own experience. A simple rule to follow - YOU can do anything you want - as long as you have permission. So ask your H for permission to cheat and see if HE agrees to change the agreement you TWO made when you married.
nofool4u Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 It's difficult to show someone what they need to see when their position stands on defensiveness and justifications. Exactly. I say stick a fork in this thread. Its done. She doesn't want to hear that she needs to cut off contact and respect her husband. She wants it all. Nuff said, thread is dead.
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