Date with the ex!! And it was weird...

[ditzchic]

I'm not sure who's been following my story so I'll briefly recap. I had an ex (the one that got away) come back around abot two months ago. We were exchanging friendly e-mails and texts, a little flirty but nothing over the top for awhile. The texts and emails were constant for the first couple of weeks but then we started slowing things down. backstory on this ex is that we dated over a year ago only for a couple of months and I really hurt him because he really liked me and I basically rejected him emotionally as much as I could. I just didn't want and wasn't in the place for the kind of relationship he was looking for at the time. I really regret what I did while I was with him because I really did like him (I still do) and I really wish the timing of meeting him would have been different. Or I would have thought more about my actions at the time, but the past is the past.

 

About 2 weeks ago he asked me to hang out and I completely avoided that question because I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not. I thought that he would forget about it for awhile. But he asked again the next day, I told him I would but when it came time to nail down a date and time I danced around it and we ended up not nailing something down. A few more days pass and he asks one more time, I figure at this point that he really really wants to see me so I accept and we set up a time to go mountain biking the next day (that was this past sunday). Saturday night and Sunday morning he was texting me telling me how excited he was and that we were going to have so much fun. I was really really looking forward to hanging out with him and having a good time.

 

We meet at his favorite bike trail and it was like from the second I pulled into the parking lot, he was cold. There was no emotion to him at all. We unload our bikes and hit the trail. He acted more like my biking coach than my friend or a guy that was interested in me (he's much more experienced in the sport than I am). We only spoke when he would stop to tell me about hard parts of the trail coming up and what I would need to do and stuff like that. He did a lot of showing off, which actually thoroughly impressed me. But it was like he was purposely trying to not talk to me and he always rode in front of me.

 

When we are done the bike ride, we go back to the car and load up our bikes. He starts reciting bike maintenance rules like he's a walking bike manual and telling me what I need to do if I ever "want to get serious". After that is done he was kind of lingering like he wanted to hang out longer. So I try to open him up by moving on to more fun topics and just talk to him. Things were going good for a few minutes then all of a sudden he goes. "Ok. See ya. Bye." and starts walking to his car. I have no idea what just happened so I get in my car and get on my way.

 

He texted me that night to say thanks for coming and I responded, but shortly. Then he emailed me the next morning to see if I or anyone I knew would be interested in buying a camera that he was selling..... Again I responded with the answer to his question but nothing more because I have no idea what to do...

 

It's been 2 days now and I haven't heard anything else from him....

 

I honestly thought our hangout was just a hangout and not so much a date. But the way that he didn't act even friendly at all makes me beleive that he had no intentions of it being a friendly hangout. The general consensus among my friends is that he was scared, acted nervously and now has no idea what to do. I'm too afraid to contact him again because if he just isn't interested, I don't want to deal with the rejection from him. As soon as I saw him again I got all gooey inside. I see it as a huge risk that I don't know if I want to take...

 

Thoughts, insights, suggestions to maybe get this back on track? I have no doubts in my mind that I want him back. I just don't want to get hurt in the process of getting him. HELP!

[salmagundi]

Ok, I'll take a stab at this...

 

Lets agree that he probably wasn't looking for just anyone to go riding with. He probably has a ton of guy friends into mountain biking and beer swilling he could have spent a day on the mountain with. And he did chase after you to get some time with you.

 

So...

 

My guess is that he has been reading and badly misinterpreting too many PUA/Get Your Ex Back sites. It sounds to me like he was playing it just a little bit too cool. You see, men learn (usually the hard way) that blurting feelings and being too obvious with woman is a bad idea with women in general and even worse with exes. He may have been holding back, trying to avoid looking over-eager, clingy what have you. But if thats true he is also...kind of an idiot...because doing all those things (playing it cool etc) does not preclude talking, laughing, conversing and trying to connect with you. How the hell else does he expect to get the fire going?

 

But I sympathize as well. I mean, if I had a date with my ex after she had already broken up with me once, I would definitely be holding my pride close. If you dumped him, you have the power in his eyes to undump him. But if he too obviously gives you that power he loses his balls like so many of us here at LS. This make sense? Not really but so it goes, it is what it is...

 

The fact that it took so much effort to get this first meet up probably didn't help either, he's probably feeling a little defensive, thinking you're not as into it as he is.

 

Maybe you could just go for it and ask HIM out next time. If he says no, well, I guess he really did just want to be your riding coach. And if he says yes, maybe it will be because you sent him a clear signal of your interest so he can know that he can let his guard down.

 

I don't know...tell us how it goes...

[ditzchic]

But I sympathize as well. I mean, if I had a date with my ex after she had already broken up with me once, I would definitely be holding my pride close. If you dumped him, you have the power in his eyes to undump him. But if he too obviously gives you that power he loses his balls like so many of us here at LS. This make sense? Not really but so it goes, it is what it is...

 

The fact that it took so much effort to get this first meet up probably didn't help either, he's probably feeling a little defensive, thinking you're not as into it as he is.

 

 

He dumped me. And I took it TERRIBLY. I went no contact with him right away so he had no idea that I took it so hard but I was a wreck for awhile about it. That's part of the reason I'm so afraid to ask him how he feels now. I don't know if I want to open up that can again....

 

And yes, I was thinking that maybe I made him work too hard to get me to hang out in the first place. But on that same note, I told him as soon as we reconnected that I feel uncomfortable seeing exes again. So me hanging out with him was a huge step out of my comfort zone for him. I think he knows that.

 

But then again, he may not. Maybe I do need to grow a pair and jut put it out there. I think I'm going to take some time and think about it first. Time doesn't hurt in this situation, does it?

[salmagundi]

No time never hurts...in love a good thing can't be rushed...

[Million.to.1]

if you were the dumpee in the first situation dizchic, i would hold back.

 

the way you said that you rejected him and didn't want the sort of relationship that he wanted made it sound like you were the dumper. if that was the case i would agree with salmagundis post.

 

Can you elaborate more on how the relationship ended the first time round? Was he "forced" to end it because he wanted more and you didn't? Cause that's like the weird reverse break-up...

[Simon Phoenix]

I put this in another thread, but your experience sounds a lot like mine. Quick cliffs are that basically several months ago I started hanging out with my best friend's sister-in-law. It got to be regular, flirting was escalating on both sides and we were hanging out one-on-one enough to where we were basically dating. I got heavy feelings and cold feet and drunkenly pulled the eject lever and freaked out. After that she withdrew and after a few failed attempts to see her again, I took a month off from trying to contact her. In a way it sounds like how yours ended - she broke up with me based on a behavior she saw from me that she didn't like. I provided the fuel, she lit the match.

 

Anyway, last weekend we hung out for the first time since our "break", as her sister and my buddy were in town and she got us tickets to baseball games Friday and Sunday. I talked to her about a week before we saw each other via text and it seemed to go well - she asked how I was doing and even offered me tickets to another sporting event that I rejected because of a prior conflict. So I was optimistic.

 

But just like your date, she was cold and distant and weird during the first get-together, acting annoyed at what I was doing (which was no different than what I normally do), making snide comments, moving away if i was walking close to her, etc., basically acting jilted. I was able to act natural and just blew it off and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, but there was tension there. Even after the game she was weird, like in your situation she just all of a sudden got up and left when she was chillin at my place. She'd break character during the night at times, laughing or smiling at things I said, but as soon as I'd notice that she'd go back into the cold/distant/weird thing. She didn't even hug me hello or goodbye, though she reacted all right when I gave her a quick shoulder rub on her way out - didn't tense up or bolt.

 

Anyway, the second meeting was much better, though if we didn't have the tickets already I probably wouldn't have gone because the first was so awkward and weird. But I did and after the morning (where she textbombed me changing our meeting plans for no real reason), she was a lot more pleasant and chill. She sat next to me in the car, talked to me one on one, talked to me in the group setting, was more like the girl I got to know and really like. There wasn't much flirting, but she ended the meeting with a hug and said "I'm sure I'll see you soon." That probably means nothing, but it was a lot better than the first day. Since then she's tagged a funny picture of me on a Facebook which I commented on and i'll likely contact her on her birthday tomorrow to see if that leads anywhere.

 

I guess the point of my story is if there is a second meeting, it might not be as horrible as the first. There's a good chance that he had some unresolved issues that he had to get out of his system that he couldn't until he spent time with you. Now that he has, he might go back to being human. That doesn't mean you'll reconcile, but there's a good chance it'll go up.

[ItsAllOver]

I also put this in another thread. But these meetings sounds ALOT like the meeting I had with my ex the other day. In my case, she dumped me and it was I who asked her out. But I got that same arctic chill from her. She never made any snide remarks or anything like that (that's just not her). But she didn't want me to sit next to her. And when I did, she actually placed her purse on the bench so that I couldn't get close. Finally, when we left, she made a beeline for her car so as to avoid a goodbye hug. Despite everything, I just played it cool and talked to her like a friend (and didn't ask what was wrong or talk about the relationship). On the other hand, she did brighten up on a few occasions. And she didn't seem to be in a real big hurry to leave, even when there was awkward silence once or twice. Perhaps most importantly, she did agree to meet up. Yes, the time she took to text me back did indicate hesitation. But she never actually said anything like no or "I'll think about it". She could just as easily have done either, and that would have been the end of it. Who knows? I'm still trying to determine whether our meeting was a good or a bad thing.

 

There is one odd thing she did yesterday. Basically, I got a call from a friend telling me that she made an odd post on facebook. She posted a cartoon with a woman saying that she will never meet Mr Right, but has met Mr Broke, Mr "I'm too busy for you", and Mr "Oh, by the way, I'm Married". She added to the picture Mr Drug Addict and Mr "I just want to have sex with you". I know the ones she added don't refer to me. The only one that would possibly is Mr Broke. Not that I'm unemployed, asked her for money, or wouldn't pay for a date. But rather because I don't currently make enough money to live with her, get married, and support a family on a single income (which she has in the past hinted she wants from me). I guess I'm not 100% certain that our meeting is the reason she posted this. But it sure seems like it.

 

She never told me why she really wanted to break up - just the old 'I can't be in a relationship' thing. But the fact that she didn't tell me makes me wonder whether it's all because I couldn't be a meal ticket for her at the time. After all, if she DID tell me, it would make her sound REALLY shallow and demanding, and close the door on future possibilities should I eventually get a better job (which hopefully I will when the economy gets better). That also makes me wonder whether she is someone I really want to be with! Again, I'm not 100% certain on any of this. But when I see a posting like this after our meeting, it really makes me wonder!

Edited September 20, 2012 by ItsAllOver

[ditzchic]

Can you elaborate more on how the relationship ended the first time round? Was he "forced" to end it because he wanted more and you didn't? Cause that's like the weird reverse break-up...

 

Yes he dumped me. At the time of the break-up he said he really liked me but he felt alone when he was with me. I have no doubts that he had really strong feelings for me from the day we met. Our click was off the charts but he was moving faster than I was. I felt rushed so I went cold fish on him. I wouldn't introduce him to friends or family, I refused to meet his, flaked on hi ma bunch and I basically kept him at an arm's length the whole time. I guess he had enough after the 3 months of him trying harder than I've ever seen anyone try... Immediately after the break up he compltely avoided me. I texted him twice within a few weeks after that and he completely ignored me. So I left it go. I didn't want to push. He was definitely acting like it was something he had to get over. It wasn't a 'hey, you're cool but I just don't have feelings for you, let's be friends.' kind of thing.

 

When we reconnected we touched on it a bit. I mentioned something about how sometimes I get a little uppity and ruin lives when I get scared (It was a joke and we were talking about something completely not relationship related) and he said "Yeah, I think I got a taste of that...". So I came out with it and told him that I knew I effed up and I'm sorry, that it was just really bad timing for me to meet him and for what it was worth I felt really bad about it when it happened but it is what it is. He accepted my apology, said he understood and told me not to worry about it.

 

based on how I acted in the past he has a million and one reasons to be scared of me now and want nothing to do with me. But I figured by him asking me that many times he was prepared to look past it...

[ditzchic]

Update:

 

I just sucked it up and sent him an e-mail asking me if he wanted to go go-kart racing with me. I know he's been wanting to go to this place that has the real fast go karts and I just got a good deal on living social for it.

 

So I sent him the link and asked if he was interested in joining me sometime...

 

What I got back.

 

"haha that is awesome! maybe!"

 

Not a good sign, right?

[geegirl]

Maybe? Non-committal. Step back and don't reach out anymore.

 

Not a good sign? Depends on what you're looking for.

[salmagundi]

Hey Ditzchic,

 

I'm really sorry because it sounds like you followed my advice but it was based on me thinking that you dumped him. I wouldn't have given the same advice if I knew that he dumped you.

 

At least you know where you stand with him though. He's a douche. Listen, if he were interested you would know it. He would say "yeah go-karting! sounds rad! how about whenever!"

 

But "maybe"? Thats bloody insulting. Unfortunately you just gave him a bid ego boost because he thinks you're totally after him. But he's obviously not too interested or maybe he only wants to be friends of some sort.

 

He dumped you, he knows you're interested so if he wants you he has to chase you, not the other way around.

 

In your place, I'd throw this one back and find someone else. Girls that mountain bike are worth twice their weight in gold. You won't have any trouble

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, the "maybe" sucks. At this point it's up to him to make the "maybe" a "yes." You've put yourself out there, he has to meet you in the middle.

 

I texted my ex happy birthday today, told her that I hoped she'd have a good day and said that it was good to see her last week. I got "Hey thanks!" as a response. I guess it's better than nothing, but I was hoping for a bit more. I sent her a followup text asking how she was celebrating the birthday, but no response from that yet. We'll see if there is one.

[ditzchic]

Another update.

 

He texted me last night to chit chat. The conversation was short and didn't go very far. But I'm taking this as a sign that he is telling me to keep trying. The maybe wasn't complete rejection, it was a genuine maybe.

 

I'm leaving the ball in his court from now on. He can come around when he wants and I will be myself and friendly and keep extending the olive branch until he makes up his mind or one/both of us get bored and move on.

[kaylan]

I'm not sure who's been following my story so I'll briefly recap. I had an ex (the one that got away) come back around abot two months ago. We were exchanging friendly e-mails and texts, a little flirty but nothing over the top for awhile. The texts and emails were constant for the first couple of weeks but then we started slowing things down. backstory on this ex is that we dated over a year ago only for a couple of months and I really hurt him because he really liked me and I basically rejected him emotionally as much as I could. I just didn't want and wasn't in the place for the kind of relationship he was looking for at the time. I really regret what I did while I was with him because I really did like him (I still do) and I really wish the timing of meeting him would have been different. Or I would have thought more about my actions at the time, but the past is the past.

Quick note here. Do make sure you know what you want and that you actually wanna be with this guy. In my experience, if someone rejects you, they werent much into you...especially if they consistently reject you emotionally. Id have a hard time believing such a girl would actually ever be fully into me.

About 2 weeks ago he asked me to hang out and I completely avoided that question because I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not. I thought that he would forget about it for awhile. But he asked again the next day, I told him I would but when it came time to nail down a date and time I danced around it and we ended up not nailing something down. A few more days pass and he asks one more time, I figure at this point that he really really wants to see me so I accept and we set up a time to go mountain biking the next day (that was this past sunday). Saturday night and Sunday morning he was texting me telling me how excited he was and that we were going to have so much fun. I was really really looking forward to hanging out with him and having a good time.

Why avoid this guy? Either you like him or you dont. Either you want to date or you dont. Right now you make it sound like youre not much into him, and Id cut the friendship off if I were you, that way he doesnt get led on.

 

We meet at his favorite bike trail and it was like from the second I pulled into the parking lot, he was cold. There was no emotion to him at all. We unload our bikes and hit the trail. He acted more like my biking coach than my friend or a guy that was interested in me (he's much more experienced in the sport than I am). We only spoke when he would stop to tell me about hard parts of the trail coming up and what I would need to do and stuff like that. He did a lot of showing off, which actually thoroughly impressed me. But it was like he was purposely trying to not talk to me and he always rode in front of me.

Id be cold too if the girl who emotionally rejected me a year ago, was still consistently trying to avoid hanging out or getting close to me. Especially when hes reminiscing about old times, calling you pet names, and trying to bond with you like you mentioned in your thread from two weeks ago. I would have went into the hang out feeling pessimistic as if you were only spending time with me so Id stop bothering you.

 

When we are done the bike ride, we go back to the car and load up our bikes. He starts reciting bike maintenance rules like he's a walking bike manual and telling me what I need to do if I ever "want to get serious". After that is done he was kind of lingering like he wanted to hang out longer. So I try to open him up by moving on to more fun topics and just talk to him. Things were going good for a few minutes then all of a sudden he goes. "Ok. See ya. Bye." and starts walking to his car. I have no idea what just happened so I get in my car and get on my way.

Read the advice I just gave above again. Im thinking maybe he shouldnt have hung out with you if he was in a bad mood, and its possible something unrelated to you was bothering him...but theres still a big chance that he dislikes your earlier behavior towards him when he tries to reconnect with you.

 

He texted me that night to say thanks for coming and I responded, but shortly. Then he emailed me the next morning to see if I or anyone I knew would be interested in buying a camera that he was selling..... Again I responded with the answer to his question but nothing more because I have no idea what to do...

 

It's been 2 days now and I haven't heard anything else from him....

If you like him...go after him and stop the immature emotionally unsure stuff. In reality I just dont think you truly like this guy enough to date him any significant time. I think you like him, but I dont think your into him enough to not fall for someone else or get bored with him after a certain time. You didnt let him in last year, and you are still resistant this year.

 

But your resistant until he pulls away from you. hmmm....

 

I honestly thought our hangout was just a hangout and not so much a date. But the way that he didn't act even friendly at all makes me beleive that he had no intentions of it being a friendly hangout. The general consensus among my friends is that he was scared, acted nervously and now has no idea what to do. I'm too afraid to contact him again because if he just isn't interested, I don't want to deal with the rejection from him. As soon as I saw him again I got all gooey inside. I see it as a huge risk that I don't know if I want to take..

 

Thoughts, insights, suggestions to maybe get this back on track? I have no doubts in my mind that I want him back. I just don't want to get hurt in the process of getting him. HELP!

You dont want to deal with rejection? Come on ditz....you rejected him last year, and were still sorta doing it recently before he finally got you to see him. You cannot expect him to do anything more. YOU have to chase him now if you want him. He did his part. You both need to stop waiting for the other to make moves. If you want him, go get him.

 

I understand sometimes someone can move to fast for the other person, but if you truly wanted to be with him, you wouldnt have went cold fish on him last year...you would have simply voiced your concerns and slowed things up. You have to open up this time, chase him a bit, and be willing to make yourself emotionally available and vulnerable. If you cant do that, simply cut him loose for good.

Edited September 26, 2012 by kaylan