How do you best explain to your partner that intimacy is important?

[Elliotte]

I came across this forum while looking for answers to my situation and found a lot of them here, I know this is a bit of a repetitive subject but here's my specific situation;

 

I have been living with my girlfriend of a year and a half for a month now, this is the third time I have lived with a significant other and while her and I get along much better than previous exs, and have accomplished more of a relationship than all the rest in my life, the problem of awkwardness with intimacy is starting to come up.

 

During the first half of our relationship we were all over each other, sex, kinkiness, flirty messages, making out, sexy outfits, it was amazing and easily the most passionate start to a relationship I've had.

 

Then we started getting beyond that and into a more serious, mental connection, we found we had many more connections in ourselves than sex, she met my son and got along with him amazingly. We talk about everything, laugh about jokes, work out issues in a respectful manner, etc.

 

We have also worked thru some of the toughest decisions of our lives; I went from having joint custody of my son with his mother, to having him full time after she moved. Follow this up with my girlfriend making the tough decision to live here after us being together for 10 months, she's from Germany and applied for a visa here. I went to Germany to meet her family, we had a few months long distance, spent a lot of that time skyping and messaging back and forth, and really improving our communication skills.

 

Our sex life is starting to go downhill. Obviously with all that has happened and in the adjustment to our new busy lives together I am not expecting her to jump me every evening I walk in the door, and due to the stressful transition, I can understand her priorities are elsewhere. But I see the signs of her leaning towards sexual intimacy as 'just another task', the pattern many seem to fall into.

 

We've talked about it, quite a bit, in previous relationships I would get fed up and angry, leading to me lashing out and obviously that made things worse. With her, I am committed to working through problems as we have been. But this issue is tricky. Like many women, when life gets busy and stressful, they tend to put passion on the bottom of the priority list, occasionally we will have sex or fool around and it is obvious she is just doing it for me, ('duty sex') and that is absolutely what I do not want from her, I'd rather jerk off by myself than be having sex and see she's not enjoying it.

 

The problem right now is, she doesn't seem to get that this is a growing problem and that just giving in to my advances isn't how to solve it. I feel like there is a change in her attitude needed in order to regain some of that passion we had mutually before. Obviously it's not that I want to force change on her, but she needs to know that leaving it so one sided is detrimental to our long term happiness. What is the best way to communicate this?

[xxoo]

Like many women, when life gets busy and stressful, they tend to put passion on the bottom of the priority list, occasionally we will have sex or fool around and it is obvious she is just doing it for me, ('duty sex') and that is absolutely what I do not want from her, I'd rather jerk off by myself than be having sex and see she's not enjoying it.

 

The problem right now is, she doesn't seem to get that this is a growing problem and that just giving in to my advances isn't how to solve it. I feel like there is a change in her attitude needed in order to regain some of that passion we had mutually before. Obviously it's not that I want to force change on her, but she needs to know that leaving it so one sided is detrimental to our long term happiness. What is the best way to communicate this?

 

If she is having "duty sex", that indicates that she is trying.

 

But you want passion, not just sex.

 

Does she want passion? Does she agree that it's gone away? Those two questions could open up a productive conversation.

 

If she does want to restore the passion, ask what she needs in that dept. You are feeling it, but she isn't. Why not? Can she feel it?

[Elliotte]

If she is having "duty sex", that indicates that she is trying.

 

This point alone smacked me upside the head pretty hard. Obviously before this I knew she was trying, but I only saw it as her trying to please me, and the guilt I have felt from that made me focus on the lack of passion.

 

I should have focused on appreciating her for trying her best when there are so many stress factors in her life right now.

[belkin2]

But is she trying to please or appease? There is a difference. If she still cares about your sex life together enough to want to please you in spite of all the things that could be pulling her away from that then you have some hope it can change and the passion and focus on sex in your relationship can come back.

If she is just trying to appease you it will be a tougher hill to climb.

[Clep]

Intimacy has nothing to do with sex, but an natural side effect of true intimacy is a fantastic sex life. I have a book called "The Seven Levels of Intimacy". It made all the difference in my relationship and in turn my sex life.

[Cabin]

How much time do you spend talking with her? Just you and her...