Don't Understand the Obsession with Being Approached

[verhrzn]

Something I've noticed guys here (and elsewhere) complaining about venomously is how they have to approach women. How they put in all the work, how women are entitled because men approach them, etc.

 

Obviously the guys who complain about this wish that women would drop their "entitled" attitudes and start approaching men. But there are a couple of problems with this line of thought.

 

First of all, it supposes that women aren't already approaching men. It is admittedly rarer, but some of our more successful male posters can attest to being approached on an occasion or two by women. So it seems that women aren't that entitled. They are approaching. They just aren't approaching the men who are complaining.

 

Here's why I don't get why men want to be approached. In order for a person (man or woman) to risk romantic rejection, they have to really want something. Looking at a person, you only really have information about their physical attractiveness: do you find them hot. If they are attractive enough, a person will take that risk.

 

In order for a woman to approach you, it means she has to find you physically attractive. Which means if you start placing all the burden of approaching on women (so you have to do it), you have to be sure that you the man are what she wants physically.

 

In other words, men would start experiencing all of the appearance anxiety women have wrestled with. Because now, instead of being able to overcompensate for your height/weight/acne with humor/personality/money, your dating life is now dependent ENTIRELY on how you look.

 

Would guys really want that?? Would guys really want to become the ugly woman in the corner no one will talk to? Do guys really want to suffer the embarrassment of being hit on fat chicks, while his friends snicker and judge him because no "hotties" approach him? Would guys really want to slump home at the end of the night, not only feeling rejected/ignored but also powerless about it?

 

Why do guys who complain about approaching have this idea that if women just dropped their "entitled" attitude, women would suddenly be lining up at their door? Approaching seems far more desirable than being approached... as the person approaching, you get to control the interaction by deciding when it starts and how it starts. You also are guaranteed to be with someone you find attractive if the endeavor succeeds... if you relay entirely on being approached, it means you might never get someone who YOU like.

 

So can someone please explain why guys are so eager to switch roles?

[Bristolius]

Don't forget that many people meet and learn about each other and spend time together before there is any attraction.

 

Other than school crushes and night clubs/bars I don't think there is much approaching based only on looks, men or women.

[verhrzn]

Don't forget that many people meet and learn about each other and spend time together before there is any attraction.

 

Other than school crushes and night clubs/bars I don't think there is much approaching based only on looks, men or women.

 

Perhaps, but in the cases where I'm seeing guys complain about doing "all the work," they are talking about cold approaches. Unless you think the guys are actually complaining that saying to a girl "Hey let's get coffee" is a huge amount of work and inconvenience?...

[Pyro]

Just wanted to say that due to my shyness women approached me more than I approached them.

 

Looking and acting approachable helps.

[verhrzn]

Just wanted to say that due to my shyness women approached me more than I approached them.

 

Looking and acting approachable helps.

 

True, though you can't totally discredit ladies just thinking you're cute. Still doesn't explain why guys think that if women just stop being "entitled," then suddenly they'd have hotties throwing themselves at them.

[Pyro]

True, though you can't totally discredit ladies just thinking you're cute. Still doesn't explain why guys think that if women just stop being "entitled," then suddenly they'd have hotties throwing themselves at them.

 

 

You should know by now that some guys will make up any excuse that they can to take the blame off themselves on why they can't get a date.

[Bristolius]

Perhaps, but in the cases where I'm seeing guys complain about doing "all the work," they are talking about cold approaches. Unless you think the guys are actually complaining that saying to a girl "Hey let's get coffee" is a huge amount of work and inconvenience?...

 

Yes, cold approaches. I've done that once. It even worked. But I haven't done that in decades because what a woman looks like is not enough for me to be attracted.

 

Other male posters here, normal guys not whiners, also say they don't cold approach. I think cold approaches are atypical and are not the way to bet for men or women.

[verhrzn]

Yes, cold approaches. I've done that once. It even worked. But I haven't done that in decades because what a woman looks like is not enough for me to be attracted.

 

Other male posters here, normal guys not whiners, also say they don't cold approach. I think cold approaches are atypical and are not the way to bet for men or women.

 

Possibly. I can't say either way. But then why do you think these guys are complaining/whining about never being approached and how women are entitled?

[Pyro]

If some guys are never approached then they don't feel desired and everyone wants to feel desired.

[Bristolius]

Possibly. I can't say either way. But then why do you think these guys are complaining/whining about never being approached and how women are entitled?

 

I think you're right that they haven't thought it through. Isn't this idea, that women should start approaching, part of an ideology that is also mostly "feminism is bad"?

 

Join me in disregarding those guys.

[ThaWholigan]

Possibly. I can't say either way. But then why do you think these guys are complaining/whining about never being approached and how women are entitled?

They are ignorant about attraction and how it works, and instead of learning about it they prefer to project their ignorance onto women. It must be sad for them though, but they should really try to learn - we all do in some way or another.

 

Perhaps because they don't always have big social circles or mixed-gender social circles, or even if they have them yet can't navigate them successfully in terms of dating/romance - it necessitates cold approaching for them. However, their own inability to deal with rejection causes them to whine about it. They could take a lot of tips from you to be honest - you have more guts to do it than they do!

[AD1980]

Something I've noticed guys here (and elsewhere) complaining about venomously is how they have to approach women. How they put in all the work, how women are entitled because men approach t

In other words, men would start experiencing all of the appearance anxiety women have wrestled with. Because now, instead of being able to overcompensate for your height/weight/acne with humor/personality/money, your dating life is now dependent ENTIRELY on how you look.

 

 

 

I dont believe just by approaching and talking for a few minutes you can overcompensate with humor/personality/money if a women thinks youre unattractive physically none of that will matter...

 

I do get your point that by not appraoching youre at the mercy of those who approach you if any..

 

I just have a huge fear of rejection..i guess since im 32 and never had sucess each rejection to me is another example that women arent attracted to me..if i had prior sucess maybe i wouldnt take it so badly

[AD1980]

If some guys are never approached then they don't feel desired and everyone wants to feel desired.

 

Yep..Im 32 and know women has ever approached me or showed any signs of being attracted to me..

 

When youre my age and know women has shown even a little attraction to you physically and no friend has ever try to set you up i dont care who you are or what type of happy go lucky cliche fluff advice you want to give somebody its gonna wear on a person and make them undesirable and insecure..

[verhrzn]

I dont believe just by approaching and talking for a few minutes you can overcompensate with humor/personality/money if a women thinks youre unattractive physically none of that will matter...

 

I do get your point that by not appraoching youre at the mercy of those who approach you if any..

 

I just have a huge fear of rejection..i guess since im 32 and never had sucess each rejection to me is another example that women arent attracted to me..if i had prior sucess maybe i wouldnt take it so badly

 

But you'd still be getting rejected even if women DID do the approaching, because according to you, you're physically unattractive. So women doing the approaching (which they would only do if they really liked your looks, since they have no sense of your personality) STILL wouldn't help you.

 

Being ugly, approaching girls still gives you a better chance than being approached.

[somedude81]

Which means if you start placing all the burden of approaching on women (so you have to do it), you have to be sure that you the man are what she wants physically.

How is that any different from when men are doing the approaching?

[somedude81]

Here's what's up, as a man, I don't care if I have to do the approaching or not.

 

But if I'm going to approach, I at least want the woman to give me some obvious sign that says she could be open to more.

 

Right now approaching women, for me, is about as effective as buying a lottery ticket.

[ThaWholigan]

Here's what's up, as a man, I don't care if I have to do the approaching or not.

 

But if I'm going to approach, I at least want the woman to give me some obvious sign that says she could be open to more.

 

Right now approaching women, for me, is about as effective as buying a lottery ticket.

Too much outcome dependence.

[AD1980]

 

Being ugly, approaching girls still gives you a better chance than being approached.

 

Yes if i dont approach i have 0% chance if i approach maybe it moves up to 3% or so but to me im not sure if thats worth the constant rejection and at times harsh rejection if im more then likely gonna get shutout anyway..

 

Is it worth finally getting a number from girl 500 i approached and chances are the number will be fake anyway..to me no

 

I deal better with my failure with women by being apathetic and not even approachign or thinking about approaching..its when i try and get rejected that im remindned of my failure and unatractivness level which hurts more then apathy to me..

[verhrzn]

How is that any different from when men are doing the approaching?

 

Because girls can be won over with personality even if you aren't a stellar human specimen. Let's say I see a guy across the room that isn't attractive enough for me to approach, because he's not that physically hot to me. But then later I overhear him make some reference to my favorite book, or how he loves knitting, or something that piques my interest. Boom, he is immediately more attractive.

 

At the last con I attended, there was a guy who was decently attractive but not that "OMG Adonis" handsome. (He was nerdy-cute.) One of the panelists pointed out that he was knitting a scarf. He IMMEDIATELY got flooded with girls, because the girls thought it was so freaking cool that he knit.

 

Approaching a girl means you give her a chance to see your personality and interact with you. How could you have this opportunity if you were waiting for her to approach?

[suladas]

The only time I complain about it is when women say "I like a guy why won't he approach me" it bugs me because if the women likes him do something about it! You can give all the clues in the world but sometimes it's not enough you have to just go for it. I had a previous gf ask me out, it was so flattering, but she dropped hints for months and trying to flirt with me and get me to ask her out. I've also been approached at bars, again it's a huge confidence booster even though it was women I had zero interest in.

 

Like said above, I have a really tough time asking women out for fear of rejection and just being a shy person. Or just not knowing if she's just a nice person, or is into me.

 

Like this week I was at the bank probably 20 minutes talking to the teller, and we really got into a good conversation, I wanted to ask for her number but didn't know if it was appropriate because of the situation, or if she was just really friendly.

 

I don't think it should be solely left up to anyone to do the approaching, I think both sexes should do it.

[suladas]

A lot depends on the situation to. At a party of whatever, that's so easy I have no problem just talking to a girl, because you get a chance to talk for a while completely non threatening and you have a lot more time to gauge if they are interested and you can just make hints, you don't have to come right out and ask for a number.

 

But out in the public where you have no idea who they are, that's where i've been too nervous to try.

[verhrzn]

A lot depends on the situation to. At a party of whatever, that's so easy I have no problem just talking to a girl, because you get a chance to talk for a while completely non threatening and you have a lot more time to gauge if they are interested

 

But out in the public where you have no idea who they are, that's where i've been too nervous to try.

 

Sure, but I'm not asking why guys DON'T approach. I'm asking why they assume that women approaching would be any better. Wouldn't women be just as nervous in a public place? When you're approaching, you have the power. When you wait to be approached, you are at the mercy of someone else's decision.

[SteveC80]

Because girls can be won over with personality even if you aren't a stellar human specimen. Let's say I see a guy across the room that isn't attractive enough for me to approach, because he's not that physically hot to me. But then later I overhear him make some reference to my favorite book, or how he loves knitting, or something that piques my interest. Boom, he is immediately more attractive.

 

At the last con I attended, there was a guy who was decently attractive but not that "OMG Adonis" handsome. (He was nerdy-cute.) One of the panelists pointed out that he was knitting a scarf. He IMMEDIATELY got flooded with girls, because the girls thought it was so freaking cool that he knit.

 

Approaching a girl means you give her a chance to see your personality and interact with you. How could you have this opportunity if you were waiting for her to approach?

 

But you claim to not be a looker yourself so youre saying in this approaching game men have to prove themselves to attract even women on their level looks wise which is what i think angers some of these average looking dudes

 

AS a guy who ddint have to approach much at all but didnt have a problem with approaching it never bothered me but i can see why some regular guys would be angry since they seem to have to work extra harder to get a even average looking women near their level

[suladas]

Sure, but I'm not asking why guys DON'T approach. I'm asking why they assume that women approaching would be any better. Wouldn't women be just as nervous in a public place? When you're approaching, you have the power. When you wait to be approached, you are at the mercy of someone else's decision.

 

Because if you aren't approaching, you have no fear of rejection. Approaching is harder then being approached. Guys think and agonize on how to best approach women all the time, instead if you aren't the one doing it you have no worries. Yes if you wait and no one approaches you that would suck, but most guys don't look at it that way.

[Content]

My problem is im awful at initiating covnersation with strangers..I dont know what the hell to say..

 

Plus im insecure about my looks and figure women im attracted to arent attracted to me