TopCat22 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 What do you folks think of this? Am I really the dumper or dumpee? GF starting losing feelings and kept asking for breaks. Did a few week-long breaks and things weren't getting better. After a week of NC I called her and she didn't answer, sent an email saying she needed another week and a half to think as work was so busy. I decided enough was enough and ended it. However.... I feel I was pushed to do the breaking up part (didn't really want to end it, I felt we could work on it) as she coulldn't/wouldn't. So although I technically was the dumper, I've been feeling like the dumpee. I'm not sure it makes any difference at this point in time, but I'm curious as to what folks think the dynamic is here?
Svet74 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 technically she broke up with you. Asking for breaks is neve good. SHe might have met someone else and wanted to see if it would work out. if not then she has you to come back to. dont worry she will call you if she wants you back. Then its your choice if you wanna take her back or not
KatZee Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 yeah this is what some cowardly people do. you are technically the dumper but i'd say you were the dumpee since you didn't want it and she pushed you into doing it. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 What do you folks think of this? Am I really the dumper or dumpee? GF starting losing feelings and kept asking for breaks. Did a few week-long breaks and things weren't getting better. After a week of NC I called her and she didn't answer, sent an email saying she needed another week and a half to think as work was so busy. I decided enough was enough and ended it. However.... I feel I was pushed to do the breaking up part (didn't really want to end it, I felt we could work on it) as she coulldn't/wouldn't. So although I technically was the dumper, I've been feeling like the dumpee. I'm not sure it makes any difference at this point in time, but I'm curious as to what folks think the dynamic is here? Your experience is similar to mine. Ex kept asking for space, kept pushing my boundaries, and I accepted it for a long time until I finally couldn't take it anymore. It was getting to my emotional and physical health, and when he threatened to break up with me (for the 3rd time or more), at first I begged him not to, and he relented, and an hour later I decided I couldn't take his emotional blackmail anymore, and dumped him. I feel like the dumpee, even though I was the dumper. I am not even sure if he was serious about dumping me when he threatened it, or if he was just bluffing. Maybe he reluctantly backed away, when he really wished I had made it easy for him to really dump me. When I dumped him, though, he didn't seem to take it hard. He said he agreed that it wouldn't work, and that he has good memories, then sent me another text saying that I made an unfair comment but that he understood, and that I deserve better. He told me to take care of myself, and that he will "maybe" see me "about." I feel like crap. I constantly question my decision to dump him.
Author TopCat22 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Yeah, it's a really odd feeling. I felt I needed to end things as I was being strung along, but it's made me quite confused as to how to deal with things and move on. I've been NC for nearly 3 weeks and have no intention of breaking it, but every once in a while I get a strange feeling that maybe I did the wrong thing and she really didn't want it to end. Then I remind myself that she didn't fight the breakup. Wish I'd made her dump me now. Wouldn't have changed anything but I'd at least have felt like I knew where I stood.
Berna Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 A dumper is the person who doesn't want the relationship and doesn't want to work on it; a dumpee is the person who wants the relationship and wants to put an effort to solve the problems. That is why the dumpee feels more pain when the relationship breaks.
oldshirt Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Any time someone wants a "break" it's because they want to try someone else on for size but wants to keep you as a back-up plan in case it doesn't work out. In otherwords you are besically being put up on the shelf and being held in reserve even though you are getting no benifits out of the relationship. If things had worked out with this other guy you would have gotten dumped. If things didn't work out with this other guy she may have shown back up on your doorstep but she would still be on the market for another guy and once she had another one waiting then you would have gotten dumped. So basically yeah, you may have been the one that said, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee," but the bottom line is she had checked out of the relationship before you got the chance. I do give you credit and an "atta-boy" for being proactive and taking matters into your own hands though rather than just sitting on the shelf hoping that she'd come back to you while she was banging this other dude. No matter what the subject is in life, it is always better to be the one in the drivers-seat of your own destiny rather than have others dictate their will onto you. 1
Dblock10 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 A dumper is the person who doesn't want the relationship and doesn't want to work on it; a dumpee is the person who wants the relationship and wants to put an effort to solve the problems. That is why the dumpee feels more pain when the relationship breaks. very good way of putting it. liking this post, mainly because i can totally relate topcat. my ex was due to travel and she gave me no vibe really that she would want to stay with me during it, i felt i was sat on the fence waiting for her to make her mind up. so i decided that instead of getting dumped i would be the one to end it. I felt terrible but explained to her why i said what i said, i expressed my concerns but then she was set on being single and really didnt want to stay with me.. so i made that easier for her. however i would still regard myself as the dumpee because in a way i had no option, she was going to leave, she didnt really want to stay in the relationship. she had also mentioned a break but i knew that wasn't a good idea, your either in or out. so in many ways she "forced my hand". seems like you where in a similar predicament as me, although yours involved another man?
Recommended Posts