serial muse Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 is it? i don't think about past relationships at all, really. whether i was the good guy or the bad guy doesn't affect me in the least. men can certainly suffer from fear and doubt, but there's not nearly as much guilt in men as there are in women. I have to say, I'm sure that for you personally it's nice not to have that worry, but my observation is that plenty of guys worry A LOT about whether they're perceived as the bad guy. For example...check out the Infidelity/OM/OW boards. Many of the MM that post there say they are wracked with guilt (and use not wanting to hurt anyone and be the bad guy as the reason to keep it all a secret); this is also what they tell their OW (can't hurt the kids), from what I observe. I think it's just human nature. People want to appear in the best possible light, especially to themselves.
Frank13 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) This doesn't sound like a good spot to be in. Maybe you are just destined to be alone. Edited September 26, 2012 by Frank13
Emilia Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 is it? i don't think about past relationships at all, really. whether i was the good guy or the bad guy doesn't affect me in the least. men can certainly suffer from fear and doubt, but there's not nearly as much guilt in men as there are in women. I don't think that's universaly true. I don't care about my last ex and have no guilty feelings towards him, don't care the slightest. The one before however is different and it's mutual. He got in touch months after the last argument and he said 'I'm sorry I was such an idiot, you are owed an explanation, please allow me to tell you why I behaved the way I did.' and he explained it. It's about how much the person mattered to you in the first place, not your sex.
gullibleme Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 wow...I'm female and 48...I think I am the same way as...I always sorta knew how I was but could never figure out why. I can speculate that I am possibly EUW..My ex was that way but I had unconditional love with him and never had that with any relationship...he seemed to accept me and all my flaws and I was really able to open up to him unlike anyone in my past..I was always the dumper til he dumped me...that was hard to deal with. It helped me see how I have hurt so many men in the past...HOWEVER...now that I am dating again I see the same pattern...hmmm...as soon as a guy shows a little interest after I pursue them a little ...I lose interest again...ugh!...it's so frustrating..it's not that I want what i can't have I don't think it's more like I'm scared to actually be in a relationship after all....It may stem back from rejection in the past..I always ran when I felt I was going to feel rejection...it's tough I hope I grow up someday...lol
gullibleme Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!! I am ashamed of that fact...I think I am destined to be alone.
bac Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Is anyone else like this? As I said, I have been like this my entire life so I know it isn't just a phase I am going through. There are many men who are not capable of emotional intimacy. All PDs are like that. You cannot change that because it is genetic. If I were you, I would get married/or have a serious R with a woman in early 20s who is looking for a daddy. She will never love you in a romantic way because of the age gap. Therefore, you will never lose your interest in her. Also, you will never hurt her feelings because she cannot have any sexual/romantic feelings for you. She will lie/tell you that she loves you and everything else that you want to hear, if you are going to support her financially. In other words, you are going to be a replacable and generous daddy. There are many very young women around the world who would love to have a generous daddy.
gullibleme Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 Yes it is ...however in my defense...they have been men already out of the marriage as in separated/going through the divorce and eventually are single...I don't go after them they seem to pursue me..thats weird to me...what does it say about me to them?
gullibleme Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 WOW..could be... but I think it's more of I'm a good listener and make people feel at ease...easy to talk to...been told that many times by men/women...I seem to help men through the transitioning stage and end up always the rebound...I have lived and learned and will scrutinize every potential date now...thanks Pierre..I don't want to still this post though.
Author CantGetItRight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Women like you often end up having affairs with married men. That fulfills the criterion of not been able to have them and keeps the flame alive. However, you will suffer a lot. Honestly, I think this is what would work best for me. Although the suffering wouldn't be from not having them as the affair would be having them, just not all the time. I just don't want to be the other guy (screwing over someone's husband, feeling like a jerk for being in an affair).
Author CantGetItRight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Okay, the reason for my original post is because I met a woman a a few months ago and I was hoping to get some insight to break that pattern. When I first saw her I was blown away by how attractive she was. Absolutely one of the most gorgeous women I had seen. I started talking to her and to my surprise she seemed into me. We went out for coffee and spent two hours talking. It went real well. I would visit her where she works every so often, but didn't want to push things to fast knowing my background. She really seemed to like me. I didn't have feelings for her but I could see it going in that direction. I liked everything about her. The way she looked, the way she talked, the way she walked. She was starting to be in my thoughts more and more. I asked her out on second date and she agreed to it, even suggesting a more romantic venue than I had in mind. I liked that. The event wasn't going to take place for a couple weeks and I was feeling excited about the date and I thought maybe taking things slower made the difference this time around. Well I went down to see her a couple days ago (a week before the date) to visit and confirm things and to my surprise I felt zero attraction to her. Absolutely nothing, like she is a stranger. A week before she looked as pretty as ever and this time I didn't see it. I remember looking at her and just feeling no attraction at all and wondering where it went. So now I don't want to go on the date. In fact I already know I am not. My first thought was to text her and let her know I lost interest, but maybe it is better to just disappear. Usually my thoughts about the woman change when I am by myself and thinking how I have them or could have them if I wanted to. By that pattern, this should have happened in the week after her agreeing to the second date. It didn't. This is the first time it happened when I saw the person. I am just so f*&8ed up. How can I go from thinking she is one of the best looking women I have seen to nothing in a week? You know what's even more effed up? If I told her the date was canceled and she texted me calling me an ahole and bitching me out, it would actually make me interested in her. Man I am insane!
serial muse Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Okay, the reason for my original post is because I met a woman a a few months ago and I was hoping to get some insight to break that pattern. When I first saw her I was blown away by how attractive she was. Absolutely one of the most gorgeous women I had seen. I started talking to her and to my surprise she seemed into me. We went out for coffee and spent two hours talking. It went real well. I would visit her where she works every so often, but didn't want to push things to fast knowing my background. She really seemed to like me. I didn't have feelings for her but I could see it going in that direction. I liked everything about her. The way she looked, the way she talked, the way she walked. She was starting to be in my thoughts more and more. I asked her out on second date and she agreed to it, even suggesting a more romantic venue than I had in mind. I liked that. The event wasn't going to take place for a couple weeks and I was feeling excited about the date and I thought maybe taking things slower made the difference this time around. Well I went down to see her a couple days ago (a week before the date) to visit and confirm things and to my surprise I felt zero attraction to her. Absolutely nothing, like she is a stranger. A week before she looked as pretty as ever and this time I didn't see it. I remember looking at her and just feeling no attraction at all and wondering where it went. So now I don't want to go on the date. In fact I already know I am not. My first thought was to text her and let her know I lost interest, but maybe it is better to just disappear. Usually my thoughts about the woman change when I am by myself and thinking how I have them or could have them if I wanted to. By that pattern, this should have happened in the week after her agreeing to the second date. It didn't. This is the first time it happened when I saw the person. I am just so f*&8ed up. How can I go from thinking she is one of the best looking women I have seen to nothing in a week? You know what's even more effed up? If I told her the date was canceled and she texted me calling me an ahole and bitching me out, it would actually make me interested in her. Man I am insane! This actually sounds like the more of the same pattern, to me, perhaps even accelerated. Once she proposed a second, more romantic date, perhaps that was enough to take away the "chase" in your mind. I suspect you're addicted to the longing/chase emotional rollercoaster, and going on a second date with an available woman, who has made it clear that she likes you and has suggested a subtle increase in romantic possibility, is just not exciting enough for you. I think you should cancel the date, to be honest. She doesn't know what she's in for here, and that's not fair - why increase her expectations further when you know it's not going to work for you right now? Yes, she'll be upset, but that's life, and it's less harmful than playing at building a "relationship" when your heart isn't in it. Seriously, have you considered therapy? I really think there's stuff for you to explore - not least because you do sound unhappy, and you seem to be looking for answers that we can't really give, without knowing more.
Author CantGetItRight Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 This actually sounds like the more of the same pattern, to me, perhaps even accelerated. Once she proposed a second, more romantic date, perhaps that was enough to take away the "chase" in your mind. Actually, while this is normally the case, this time it wasn't. I was fine with having a second date. Even excited about it. It's just when I went to visit her a week after planning to go on a second date, I wasn't at all attracted to her. Could be something completely subconscience that caused me to lose the attraction when I saw her. I think you should cancel the date, to be honest. She doesn't know what she's in for here, and that's not fair - why increase her expectations further when you know it's not going to work for you right now? Yes, she'll be upset, but that's life, and it's less harmful than playing at building a "relationship" when your heart isn't in it. I have decided for sure we are not going on the date. I haven't contacted her yet and not sure if I will. On the one hand, it seems like the proper thing to do. On the other hand, when I felt no attraction, I feel like I never want to see her again so why does it matter if I contact her or not? If I don't, she will get the message and maybe it will be better for her to wonder what happened than for me to tell her I lost interest and attraction. This is really one of those "it's not you it's me" things and why should she take the hit to her ego for it? Seriously, have you considered therapy? I really think there's stuff for you to explore - not least because you do sound unhappy, and you seem to be looking for answers that we can't really give, without knowing more. I have thought about therapy but what good would spending a bunch of money do to find out why I am this way. I don't see anything changing it. I was so disgusted with myself yesterday over this and the way I am. I came to the conclusion that I need to be alone and focus on things that make me happy other than women. I have also come to realize I am a commitment phobe. However, while some people can have a relationship but just not commit, I can't. As soon as I see that it could be a relationship, all I see is that you are locked into that person. Want to go on vacation? It has to be with that person. Movies? Has to be with that person. Dinner? Has to be with that person. Just that idea that as soon as it is a relationship, you are locked into one person makes everything look dark, like prison. I am not sure if the commitment phobia is what drives the loss of interest because they feel like two different things. The loss of interest just seems to happen without thought of commitment. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
kalaslsl Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 I have the same problem. Women I know who like me, I take for granted. The ones who give me a hard time, I want them so bad. It's an ego thing. Damn, same here. Story of my life.
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