CantGetItRight Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I wonder if I am really screwed up or if anyone else is like this. I am 52 and all my life I have been like this. I am very attracted to women, think they are sexy, beautiful, gorgeous etc. However, I will be interested in someone and pursue them vigourously, but as soon as I think they are interested, I will lose romantic interest. The first girl I fell for (in my twenties) was someone I had met through work and wanted to date. She was with someone at the time but wasn't happy so I thought I might have a shot. After some time my feelings grew and I fell hard for her and she knew it. She broke up with her BF and I finally thought I had a chance with her so suddenly my feelings for her vanished. I felt indifference. Of course it turned out she didn't want to date me so my feelings came back and became more intense. She quickly found a new BF and was married in less than a year and moved away. I pined over her for a good couple of years. I then met someone else and started dating and pursuing her. Within a short while she fell for me. At that point I lost all romantic interest in her. It was like I had her so there was no need to do anything to get her. I felt so guilty that I couldn't break it off (I knew how it felt to be rejected) and she ended up getting pregnant so I did the right thing and married her. Of course it was a miserable marriage for me (she always loved me) which after 20 years I am glad to say is behind me. I then met a woman who befriended me. I developed feelings for her and started pursuing her relentlessly. Then she revealed she had feelings for me, and once again I found myself losing feelings and wondering how to get out of the mess I got in to as I really pursued her hard. However, she was involved with someone else so didn't want to pursue anything with me. Of course her rejecting me made my feelings grow more intense. Then she lost feelings for me which made my feelings grow even more. The weird thing is that if I stop and think of actually being in a relationship with her, I know I wouldn't be happy. Again, I realize it is the rejection and wanting what I can't have that makes me want her. I finally had to end the friendship with her because it hurt to just be friends. It's over a year later and I stil miss her badly, but know that if she ever said she wanted to be with me, I would lose interest. I then met another woman, Absolutely gorgeous. So much so that I knew she was out of my league and I would never even get to know her. I started talking to her and it turned out she liked me and was attracted to me. I asked her out and she agreed and we had a great time. However, although I am attracted to her, I don't have any feelings for her because it is new and we are just getting to know each other. She wants to go out again, and although I wouldn't mind going out as friends and seeing if anything developes, she wants to date. So now I am thinking, based on my past, that I should just end things with her because she is either going to get hurt or she will decide she doesn't want to be with me which will make me want her. It is a lose lose situation either way. I understand the thrill of the chase but with me I go to an extreme pursuing but shut down as soon as they even seem interested. At my age I don't see this ever changing and thinking I should just accept being alone. Is anyone else like this? As I said, I have been like this my entire life so I know it isn't just a phase I am going through.
CptObvious Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 You're marriage immune and you're getting laid. I don't see a problem here.
truth_seeker Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I have the same problem. Women I know who like me, I take for granted. The ones who give me a hard time, I want them so bad. It's an ego thing.
mickleb Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Well, is doesn't sound like you're happy and you're behaviour is certainly not practical, so I suggest you try therapy to see if there's a chance of figuring out why you're like this. It sounds to me like you want to change, if possible. Why not give that a chance?
Author CantGetItRight Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 (edited) I have the same problem. Women I know who like me, I take for granted. The ones who give me a hard time, I want them so bad. It's an ego thing. I agree with the ego thing. I can understand the chasing and the wanting what I can't have and would be okay with that if once I got them, or thought I did, that the feelings would continue instead of disappearing. So basically the only women I fall in love with are the ones I can't have, and once I get a women I love, I don't love her anymore. That's so messed up. Edited September 23, 2012 by CantGetItRight
Minnie09 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 (edited) Jeez, I once knew a guy just like you. He would pursue hard, so hard that he convinced even the most uninterested women 20 years his junior that he was the knight in shining armor who would take care of them and give them bliss for the rest of their lives. The way he pursued was already a red flag. Too many promises, too much mushy stuff. But most of them fell for it. His only targets were those women who disliked, ignored, were too good for him, out of his league, etc. (his own words) As soon as they were in a serious / committed R with him, the devaluation started and he was looking for greener pastures. Relentlessly. He's on M number 4 now, has 3 kids with 3 of them, and never questions his own actions. At least you, my dear OP, see that there's something slightly off with you. What do you think is the reason? What's your FOO sitch? Interested in sharing? I'm really curious. Have you ever had counseling? Edited September 23, 2012 by Minnie09
mysteryscape Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 My guess is you're re-playing some trauma in your past life with these women. Does that resonate? If so, I'd try to find someone to help you figure this out. Life is passing you by and before you know it, it'll be over. Working this out may take a long time, but what have you got to lose? 1
MrCastle Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I wonder if I am really screwed up or if anyone else is like this. I am 52 and all my life I have been like this. I am very attracted to women, think they are sexy, beautiful, gorgeous etc. However, I will be interested in someone and pursue them vigourously, but as soon as I think they are interested, I will lose romantic interest. Wow. I was going to make a new thread today about this very thing until I read this one. This is my life. Although I'm 24 and in college, but I fear I'm never gonna get out of this phase. I lose interest very fast if the girl comes on too strong after I've wooed her. I also disagree fundamentally with exclusive long term relationships. I don't believe in the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I'm thinking (hoping) maybe I just haven't found the right girl? Maybe I'll settle down someday, but who knows.
Minnie09 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 MrCastle, you're still very young and maybe not ready yet for a commitment. Your interest fades fast, but you might develop feelings for someone "special" later in your life, when you're mentally ready. You're still exploring, you're still under 30, in college, I think that's normal for a guy your age. OP is 50+ and recognizes the pattern. He can't value women if they commit to him, although he values the same exact women as long as they reject him. That means that he doesn't believe he's worthy of them. If they do commit, then in his eyes something must be wrong with them. Otherwise, why would they lower themselves to his level? By doing that, he loses interest, because they are as "worthless" as he thinks he himself is. My 2 cents. 1
thatone Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 MrCastle, you're still very young and maybe not ready yet for a commitment. Your interest fades fast, but you might develop feelings for someone "special" later in your life, when you're mentally ready. You're still exploring, you're still under 30, in college, I think that's normal for a guy your age. OP is 50+ and recognizes the pattern. He can't value women if they commit to him, although he values the same exact women as long as they reject him. That means that he doesn't believe he's worthy of them. If they do commit, then in his eyes something must be wrong with them. Otherwise, why would they lower themselves to his level? By doing that, he loses interest, because they are as "worthless" as he thinks he himself is. My 2 cents. you're trying to apply female psychology to men. doesn't work that way. women have a default sense of insecurity and guilt, men do not. it's much more likely that he just enjoys the chase aspect due to the ego boost it provides, and doesn't really want or need 'relationship' aspects of dating.
mysteryscape Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 He seems to feel that there's something wrong with himself, something pathological about it. That seems to me much more than the male propensity to split after a successful score.
todreaminblue Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I wonder if I am really screwed up or if anyone else is like this. I am 52 and all my life I have been like this. I am very attracted to women, think they are sexy, beautiful, gorgeous etc. However, I will be interested in someone and pursue them vigourously, but as soon as I think they are interested, I will lose romantic interest. The first girl I fell for (in my twenties) was someone I had met through work and wanted to date. She was with someone at the time but wasn't happy so I thought I might have a shot. After some time my feelings grew and I fell hard for her and she knew it. She broke up with her BF and I finally thought I had a chance with her so suddenly my feelings for her vanished. I felt indifference. Of course it turned out she didn't want to date me so my feelings came back and became more intense. She quickly found a new BF and was married in less than a year and moved away. I pined over her for a good couple of years. I then met someone else and started dating and pursuing her. Within a short while she fell for me. At that point I lost all romantic interest in her. It was like I had her so there was no need to do anything to get her. I felt so guilty that I couldn't break it off (I knew how it felt to be rejected) and she ended up getting pregnant so I did the right thing and married her. Of course it was a miserable marriage for me (she always loved me) which after 20 years I am glad to say is behind me. I then met a woman who befriended me. I developed feelings for her and started pursuing her relentlessly. Then she revealed she had feelings for me, and once again I found myself losing feelings and wondering how to get out of the mess I got in to as I really pursued her hard. However, she was involved with someone else so didn't want to pursue anything with me. Of course her rejecting me made my feelings grow more intense. Then she lost feelings for me which made my feelings grow even more. The weird thing is that if I stop and think of actually being in a relationship with her, I know I wouldn't be happy. Again, I realize it is the rejection and wanting what I can't have that makes me want her. I finally had to end the friendship with her because it hurt to just be friends. It's over a year later and I stil miss her badly, but know that if she ever said she wanted to be with me, I would lose interest. I then met another woman, Absolutely gorgeous. So much so that I knew she was out of my league and I would never even get to know her. I started talking to her and it turned out she liked me and was attracted to me. I asked her out and she agreed and we had a great time. However, although I am attracted to her, I don't have any feelings for her because it is new and we are just getting to know each other. She wants to go out again, and although I wouldn't mind going out as friends and seeing if anything developes, she wants to date. So now I am thinking, based on my past, that I should just end things with her because she is either going to get hurt or she will decide she doesn't want to be with me which will make me want her. It is a lose lose situation either way. I understand the thrill of the chase but with me I go to an extreme pursuing but shut down as soon as they even seem interested. At my age I don't see this ever changing and thinking I should just accept being alone. Is anyone else like this? As I said, I have been like this my entire life so I know it isn't just a phase I am going through. I will swap places with you......i cant stop feelings once i have them even when rejected they remain constant no more or less but then i have only had rejection maybe hang on counting.......three times one of them was with someone online(which now i am thankful for) one of them was a childhood crush(also thankful for) and one recent i didn't pursue the first two and i got over it.I am not attracted to men very often, i am normally approached.....so i just deal with it the rejection it doesn't make me anymore attracted it actually makes me a bit sad....lol....had to laugh at my hopelessness.......and i do that ...i take it in my stride...and when i step out i have a long stride........for a short girl....smilin.....i dont have a give up mentality when i am at peace with myself, that's a gift from above, because when i feel something in my heart i follow it and let it be.....and just wait for inspiration and the next step in saying that its all new to me....everything starts out new.....and then you get used to it.....adn indecision melts away....still waiting for that..........deb
Woggle Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 You have a classic case of want what you can't have syndrome. It seems very common these days.
carhill Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I understand the thrill of the chase but with me I go to an extreme pursuing but shut down as soon as they even seem interested. At my age I don't see this ever changing and thinking I should just accept being alone. It sounds like you've accepted your style and its consequences. In the true sense you aren't alone since you have serial liaisons. If you were celibate and not engaged in romantic relations, then you'd be alone. So, accept your path or, if desiring change, seek professional help to change. It's your choice. Good luck. 1
betterdeal Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Maybe you're scared of a full blown relationship and this is your way of dealing with that fear, ie avoidance.
thatone Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Maybe you're scared of a full blown relationship and this is your way of dealing with that fear, ie avoidance. i think for whatever reason he surely doesn't want one, he even describes the end of a 20 year marriage with children as a relief. which is fine, if you don't want long term relationships don't have them. i suspect the ex wife would like to have that 20 years back, though, lol. 1
Author CantGetItRight Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Jeez, I once knew a guy just like you. He would pursue hard, so hard that he convinced even the most uninterested women 20 years his junior that he was the knight in shining armor who would take care of them and give them bliss for the rest of their lives. That's the same with me and the more they reject me the harder I pursue them. The way he pursued was already a red flag. Too many promises, too much mushy stuff. But most of them fell for it. His only targets were those women who disliked, ignored, were too good for him, out of his league, etc. (his own words) As soon as they were in a serious / committed R with him, the devaluation started and he was looking for greener pastures. With me it is not even getting into a serious relationship, it is even when I think they are interested enough to date or shortly after dating. The devaluation comes very quick. It is just a total loss of feelings. I am not even looking for greener pastures, it's just that the feelings go away. What do you think is the reason? What's your FOO sitch? Interested in sharing? I'm really curious. Have you ever had counseling? I wish I knew. Have considered counseling but I have been this way so long I didn't think it would help.
serial muse Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) Of course it turned out she didn't want to date me so my feelings came back and became more intense. She quickly found a new BF and was married in less than a year and moved away. I pined over her for a good couple of years. I then met someone else and started dating and pursuing her. Within a short while she fell for me. At that point I lost all romantic interest in her. It was like I had her so there was no need to do anything to get her. I felt so guilty that I couldn't break it off (I knew how it felt to be rejected) and she ended up getting pregnant so I did the right thing and married her. Of course it was a miserable marriage for me (she always loved me) which after 20 years I am glad to say is behind me. I then met a woman who befriended me. I developed feelings for her and started pursuing her relentlessly. Then she revealed she had feelings for me, and once again I found myself losing feelings and wondering how to get out of the mess I got in to as I really pursued her hard. However, she was involved with someone else so didn't want to pursue anything with me. Of course her rejecting me made my feelings grow more intense. Then she lost feelings for me which made my feelings grow even more. The weird thing is that if I stop and think of actually being in a relationship with her, I know I wouldn't be happy. Again, I realize it is the rejection and wanting what I can't have that makes me want her. I finally had to end the friendship with her because it hurt to just be friends. It's over a year later and I stil miss her badly, but know that if she ever said she wanted to be with me, I would lose interest. I then met another woman, Absolutely gorgeous. So much so that I knew she was out of my league and I would never even get to know her. I started talking to her and it turned out she liked me and was attracted to me. I asked her out and she agreed and we had a great time. However, although I am attracted to her, I don't have any feelings for her because it is new and we are just getting to know each other. She wants to go out again, and although I wouldn't mind going out as friends and seeing if anything developes, she wants to date. So now I am thinking, based on my past, that I should just end things with her because she is either going to get hurt or she will decide she doesn't want to be with me which will make me want her. It is a lose lose situation either way. Yeah, you certainly don't sound content to me, given the things you've said that I bolded. I don't necessarily think the answer is to force yourself into a relationship you don't want, but I don't think it's reasonable to brush this off as "hey dude, you're livin' the dream, enjoy it." Because you aren't enjoying it, and you do get hurt (and hurt others, like your ex-wife). There is, clearly, something about the emotional uncertainty and excitement of the chase that you crave, to the point where no other emotional connection can compare, it seems. But that's not a satisfying answer, I agree. So to answer your original question - you do seem to take it to an extreme, and while it can sometimes seem like a knee-jerk response, I think you might really benefit from exploring this with a therapist, who isn't going to judge you and maybe can help you understand yourself better, and help you figure out a way that you can learn to manage this without all the wild careening back and forth. One issue is that you only seem to want to pursue women who you already know are relationship-minded - so it's inevitable that someone will get hurt (and that someone includes you, I might add). I would ask you, for starters, why you don't choose to pursue women who avowedly aren't interested in a relationship? And I'm not talking about women who are already in one with someone else - that's a non-starter. I'm talking about women who say, upfront, that they only want sex. Is the thrill gone then, because you can't "win" their hearts? And, when they lose/don't have feelings for you, is there something about the very pining itself that you're enjoying (sometimes people do really enjoy wallowing in pain, because it's a very intense emotion, and perhaps more satisfying in some way than just being "content")? This is the sort of thing you can explore further with someone in therapy. Edited September 26, 2012 by serial muse
DC4 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 you're trying to apply female psychology to men. doesn't work that way. women have a default sense of insecurity and guilt, men do not. That's the biggest load of crap I have seen in quite a while. That's quite impressive, really.
thatone Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 That's the biggest load of crap I have seen in quite a while. That's quite impressive, really. is it? i don't think about past relationships at all, really. whether i was the good guy or the bad guy doesn't affect me in the least. men can certainly suffer from fear and doubt, but there's not nearly as much guilt in men as there are in women.
Later82012 Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 With me if I am interested in someone and I let her know and if she doesn't say yes or no within two weeks I lose total interest in her. After about two weeks even if she said yes I can't get my interest back in her. There is no ego or any other emotion behind it. I am not sure what my problem is. There are a few girls pursuing me for years now after they didn't respond yes or no to me initially and I just have no emotion towards them now and these are attractive girls (attractive to me at least) I am talking about.
Brit Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Wow, many different issues at hand, and the fact you have insight to them is a slightly positive. It is like a baboon mentality, great to watch documentaries on a species we are closely linked to. It is not that complicated to figure out. What are your interests, how deep are your thoughts and passions. You have to have a healthy mindset and interesting ideas to form a bond. It is all about you, and superficial attention seeking, and once you are praised, valued, you have nothing else to offer in terms of depth, so you continue the cycle of pursuit. Do you not find yourself lonely inside? The good thing is perhaps, because you are so void inside, not allowing these women a chance is the best reward for them, they were forced to dodge a miserable bullet. Hope things improve.
Zed Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Sounds like you have characteristics of love addiction co-mingled with co-dependency. Although you have some insight, you lack an inner core that leaves you dissatisfied with any forms of genuine attachment. You may want to explore some of these issues with a competent professional since it seems apparent that you are not happy with this repeated pattern.
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