The Rules of Cheating

[strongnrelaxed]

1. Never cheat. If you commit to someone and make a promise to be faithful, you keep that promise. Period.

 

2. Do not EVER commit to being sexually faithful. Period. It is a losing proposition in the long run. Young men and women are not programmed biologically to remain faithful until they are much older. We sure do try, though. If this forum and your life experiences have taught you anything, it is that infidelity happens - A LOT. If you do commit your entire sexual life forever to one person, you are being dishonest. Reflect deeply on this one and you will find it to be quite elegant, simple and true. Do not commit until you are past your 40's.

 

3. If you do cheat, NEVER admit it. No matter how strong the evidence is - unless it is actual video or getting caught "red handed" - deny, deny, deny. Having doubt between you is ultimately less destructive than a betrayal. (My ex Brother in law taught me this)

 

4. Do not entice your partner to cheat. Lying, snooping, constant insecurities, gaining significant amounts of weight after marriage or children, constant suspicions or accusations, incessant need for comfort and reassurance, and many other needy or weak behaviors can push a spouse away and create emotional distance. Is this the way you want your spouse to feel about you in today's world?

 

5. When one of the partners in a relationship cheats, do not act surprised. This makes you look even weaker, naive and less attractive. You are dooming your relationship and any future relationships to failure. See #4 above. Your next partner will hear that your ex cheated on you and will likely do the same. Do not become that type of partner.

 

6. Decide your priorities. If you catch your partner cheating, you must decide what is more important - Their transgression on one hand, versus a lifetime of memories, vacations, trials, triumphs, babies, money, blood, sweat, tears, deaths in the family, intimacy, love, friendship, connections, holidays, solemn close times together, family connections, friends, social standing, finances, the future of your children, laughs, diapers, late nights, and all the other beautiful moments you cherish on the other hand. It seems silly to me that so many people (men and women) are so narcissistic that they would throw ALL of the good away for one affair. It is as disgusting to me as the actual cheating.

 

7. If you cheat and it is discovered - do the right thing and leave. Cheating is a life sentence. It will never be forgiven. It will never be forgotten. It will be used against you for the rest of your life and ultimately your spouse will use it as an excuse to cheat on you at some point. It will be a "get out of jail free" card for just about any bad behavior going forward. One sure fire way to tell if this will happen to you is if your spouse swears that it is forgiven and that s/he will forget it and will move on. That is very likely a lie and a sign of things to come. If s/he says that s/he is hurt and not sure how they will feel in the future or what s/he will do with this going forward, then you have an honest person on your hands and you might have a chance.

 

 

What other rules would you add?

[woinlove]

A lot of generalizations and categorical statements there. Too many for me to take the time to comment on, as the way you think is pretty far away from mine own.

If you think these rules work for you fine. I certainly would never live that way. I prefer to keep it simple - be open and honest with those I am intimate with, encourage openness and honesty in others, and try to act with kindness toward others. That's about it. Haven't ever cheated, so don't have experience with that and don't plan to get any.

[waterwoman]

How do you reconcile 6 and 7? If a BS is narc for ending the marriage over an affair, but a WS must always leave if discovered there is always going to be a disconnect.

 

Your rules aren't mine I must admit. I do beleive in 'in sickness and in health' etc so if a partner gets fat, poor, ill I will do my best to help out, not f*ck off!

[underwater2010]

1. Never cheat. If you commit to someone and make a promise to be faithful, you keep that promise. Period.

 

If rule number one is to be followed there are not need for your other rules.

 

2. Do not EVER commit to being sexually faithful. Period. It is a losing proposition in the long run. Young men and women are not programmed biologically to remain faithful until they are much older. We sure do try, though. If this forum and your life experiences have taught you anything, it is that infidelity happens - A LOT. If you do commit your entire sexual life forever to one person, you are being dishonest. Reflect deeply on this one and you will find it to be quite elegant, simple and true. Do not commit until you are past your 40's.

 

This should be stated as an excuse as to why you can have an affair. Most animals constantly change their partners, but as humans we are endowed with impulse control. Try and use it sometimes....it can save you a whole heap of trouble in your life.

 

3. If you do cheat, NEVER admit it. No matter how strong the evidence is - unless it is actual video or getting caught "red handed" - deny, deny, deny. Having doubt between you is ultimately less destructive than a betrayal. (My ex Brother in law taught me this)

 

Is he your ex brother in law because of his affair? I am sorry to tell you but denying when confronted makes you a coward in addition to a liar. The doubt in a relationship will lead to divorce more often then a betrayal.

 

4. Do not entice your partner to cheat. Lying, snooping, constant insecurities, gaining significant amounts of weight after marriage or children, constant suspicions or accusations, incessant need for comfort and reassurance, and many other needy or weak behaviors can push a spouse away and create emotional distance. Is this the way you want your spouse to feel about you in today's world?

 

While I agree that they are not good qualities to have while married and cheater has to make a choice to have an affair. I do believe that a lot of those tactics are used by some OW to entice the KISA response.

 

5. When one of the partners in a relationship cheats, do not act surprised. This makes you look even weaker, naive and less attractive. You are dooming your relationship and any future relationships to failure. See #4 above. Your next partner will hear that your ex cheated on you and will likely do the same. Do not become that type of partner.

 

I agree with the naive. After all, the affair was conducted behind the BS's back. It does not make someone weak or less attractive to be surprised. Burying your head in the sand and letting the affair continue is weak and unattractive. I have never heard of new partner hold an affair in a previous relationship against anyone by the WS.

6. Decide your priorities. If you catch your partner cheating, you must decide what is more important - Their transgression on one hand, versus a lifetime of memories, vacations, trials, triumphs, babies, money, blood, sweat, tears, deaths in the family, intimacy, love, friendship, connections, holidays, solemn close times together, family connections, friends, social standing, finances, the future of your children, laughs, diapers, late nights, and all the other beautiful moments you cherish on the other hand. It seems silly to me that so many people (men and women) are so narcissistic that they would throw ALL of the good away for one affair. It is as disgusting to me as the actual cheating.

 

The person suffering for a narcissistic personilty is the cheater, not the BS that choses to leave a marriage due to infidelity. Just so you know, many BSs give the WS a second chance, unless the WS applies rule #3. I guess you are entitled to your oppinion, but I see it as holding one's head high and actually leaving with respect instead of lying.

 

7. If you cheat and it is discovered - do the right thing and leave. Cheating is a life sentence. It will never be forgiven. It will never be forgotten. It will be used against you for the rest of your life and ultimately your spouse will use it as an excuse to cheat on you at some point. It will be a "get out of jail free" card for just about any bad behavior going forward. One sure fire way to tell if this will happen to you is if your spouse swears that it is forgiven and that s/he will forget it and will move on. That is very likely a lie and a sign of things to come. If s/he says that s/he is hurt and not sure how they will feel in the future or what s/he will do with this going forward, then you have an honest person on your hands and you might have a chance.

 

I agree. Most BSs give their WS an option to leave before ever trying reconciliation. In order for reconciliation to work, both spouses must be willing to participate in the correction of the marriage.

 

I am chosing to not add any other rules, because I do not believe that cheating is ever the right option.

[mercy]

8. if you can't be faithful get the hell out

[KathyM]

If you don't think you can be faithful, then don't bother to get married. If you find yourself in a marriage where you are thinking of cheating, then get help with a marriage counselor to work on whatever issues brought you to the point of considering cheating. Don't ruin what you have spent years building, just to get a bit of strange on the side. It's not worth what you would be sacrificing--your marriage, your relationship with your children, your honor, your character, etc.

 

There are many people who do have what it takes to be faithful for life. If the rate of cheating is 20% to 50% of all marriages, then 50%+ are remaining faithful, which would disprove your theory. And also, age is not a determining factor in a propensity to cheat. Character, upbringing, and self control are the factors that determine if a person wll cheat.

[KatZee]

How do you reconcile 6 and 7? If a BS is narc for ending the marriage over an affair, but a WS must always leave if discovered there is always going to be a disconnect.

 

Your rules aren't mine I must admit. I do beleive in 'in sickness and in health' etc so if a partner gets fat, poor, ill I will do my best to help out, not f*ck off!

 

I thought the exact same things. Your "rules" contradict each other... so I fail to take this list seriously on that basis alone.

[KatZee]

1. Never cheat. If you commit to someone and make a promise to be faithful, you keep that promise. Period.

 

2. Do not EVER commit to being sexually faithful. Period. It is a losing proposition in the long run. Young men and women are not programmed biologically to remain faithful until they are much older. We sure do try, though. If this forum and your life experiences have taught you anything, it is that infidelity happens - A LOT. If you do commit your entire sexual life forever to one person, you are being dishonest. Reflect deeply on this one and you will find it to be quite elegant, simple and true. Do not commit until you are past your 40's.

 

OK so which is it? Commit and never cheat? Or don't ever commit to being faithful?

 

3. If you do cheat, NEVER admit it. No matter how strong the evidence is - unless it is actual video or getting caught "red handed" - deny, deny, deny. Having doubt between you is ultimately less destructive than a betrayal. (My ex Brother in law taught me this)

 

This is HORRIBLE. If someone finds a slew of emails, texts, receipts and other physical evidence against their partner, and they lie straight to their face and deny, that is enough justification to "be narcissistic" and leave. Not only is cheating the most disrespectful thing one can do to a person they claim to love, but the lying straight to the face is just like being peed on, on top of it. It shows a lack of character, and extreme cowardice. if you are caught, and you are still lying to my face? GTFO.

 

 

6. Decide your priorities. If you catch your partner cheating, you must decide what is more important - Their transgression on one hand, versus a lifetime of memories, vacations, trials, triumphs, babies, money, blood, sweat, tears, deaths in the family, intimacy, love, friendship, connections, holidays, solemn close times together, family connections, friends, social standing, finances, the future of your children, laughs, diapers, late nights, and all the other beautiful moments you cherish on the other hand. It seems silly to me that so many people (men and women) are so narcissistic that they would throw ALL of the good away for one affair. It is as disgusting to me as the actual cheating.

 

If leaving a cheater makes me narcissistic, so be it. I will never allow anyone to disrespect me so much again. I stayed with my cheating ex. Worst mistake of my life. And if a husband cheats, GTFO. I will NEVER raise my children showing them that it's OK for men to cheat or that it's OK for men to cheat on them. My children will respect themselves. Love themselves, and demand the most for themselves.

 

7. If you cheat and it is discovered - do the right thing and leave. Cheating is a life sentence. It will never be forgiven. It will never be forgotten. It will be used against you for the rest of your life and ultimately your spouse will use it as an excuse to cheat on you at some point. It will be a "get out of jail free" card for just about any bad behavior going forward. One sure fire way to tell if this will happen to you is if your spouse swears that it is forgiven and that s/he will forget it and will move on. That is very likely a lie and a sign of things to come. If s/he says that s/he is hurt and not sure how they will feel in the future or what s/he will do with this going forward, then you have an honest person on your hands and you might have a chance.

 

OK? So again which is it? If you're caught, deny it up and down? Or if you're caught, leave? And how can you say in number 6 that it's narcissistic to leave and there are "so many great things" on the other hand, and then sit here and say in number 7 that cheating is a life sentence and it will never be forgiven.

 

This entire list is crap IMO.