I Never Imagined He'd Come Back, 9 months NC

[cocolove]

Hi, my name is Kristina and this is my story.

 

Background: His name is Travis we knew each other for almost six years, and dated for three. We started growing apart December 2010, and I found out he was cheating/dating another girl January 2011. I was heartbroken, completely shocked a lost nineteen year old who just lost her first love. Even though he repeatedly stated he didn't want to be with me, I was relentless and wasn't able to give up. I pushed my way into his new relationship with his girlfriend Krysten, and did some damage. He cut me off completely when his girlfriend couldn't take it anymore, yes I was incredibly immature as well as insecure.

 

Fast forward almost two years later after approximately nine months no contact. Last contact made was him calling me (I didn't pick up), and then telling me it was a mistake. Arguing back and forth around August of last year.

 

He texts me out of the blue tonight, unsure if it was still my number.

"Kristina? Its Trav... just wanted to say hi and finally see how you've been in life. Last time you texted me you said a lot has changed. Curiosity got the best of me." I said I was good, things are actually going pretty well. I'm currently dating someone and I really like him, perhaps as much as I once did Trav (which is a first after 6 boyfriends). He asked to talk on the phone, and I said sure give me 5 minutes. I didn't want to seem eager to talk to him, it has been a while and I questioned if it was the right thing to do. I never really got closure with him, he blocked/deleted and wouldn't respond to any of my messaged about 3 months after we broke up. I wasn't over it and I guess the best thing for him was to ignore everything. That didn't sit well with me, and confused me even more I got really emotional, dark, and would dissect everything. I eventually made my own closure, and it took me about a year to learn to let things go. Finally forgave him, and forgave myself in order to move on.

 

Tonight we talked, I was extremely nervous. I'd forgotten the sound of his voice, and the way he spoke. It honestly seemed as though time hadn't gone by as it did. I was a lot different, and I think he could tell. I had a life, unlike the last time we spoke. I hung up on him to eat dinner, and he was texting me again and wanted to 'bug me more' after I finished. I agreed, thinking what could the harm be? He told me about his ex girlfriend, and how horrible she was to him. How much he tried to work it out with her, and how selfish she was. He completely stopped talking to me because his new girlfriend couldn't stand me. Apparently I was one of the only things she talked about, and would bring me up in conversation a lot comparing herself to me. One of the reasons for the demise of their relationship I suppose.

 

We talked about our triumphs, our failures and everything in between. Filling in the details of our past life together. The two years of memories that weren't made with me. I finally got answers to a lot of my questions more specifically, Why? Why did he feel the need to cheat? Apparently because things got 'stale' and I was withdrawing from him, and he felt as though I didn't want him. He told me that no one understood him the way I did. How we had these comfortable silences even on the phone where it was never awkward. I had imagined the scenario over and over on how it would be if he ever contacted me again. This was better than I expected, but now I'm stuck. I've been dating a guy for almost two months now long distance. We've been arguing recently, so we decided to go on a week long break. Hopefully to re-evaluate everything, our relationship and where things will go.

 

I can tell Travis missed me, and a part of me always missed him and loved him. I'm just not sure what to do, I think he'll try to work his way back into my life-- I just don't trust him completely. He claims to be focusing on himself now, and loving being free from his ex. He's was a sweet talker, but he was a good boyfriend up until the cheating. I just don't know if he's truly changed the way I have. I believed he was the love of my life, and got my heart broken. It took me a long time to put the pieces together again, and quite frankly I'm scared he could shatter it. Still confused as to whether or not he wants me back yet, I didn't have the guts to ask. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, at the same time I don't want to completely write him off. For those who have been in this situation, please give me some advice. So i'm stuck right now. He said he thought about me often, but didn't want to just pop up in my life. He didn't know if I was married, happy, had kids ect.. and for a week debated talking to me. I never thought he'd come back, I thought he was happy but I was completely wrong. For those of you in NC right now, stay strong for yourselves it's truly the best thing to focus back on you.

Edited September 19, 2012 by cocolove

[geegirl]

Maybe I'm just a pessimist or having gone through a couple of cheating boyfriends, I question Travis' motives.

 

1) He's back because his ex is out of the picture. No prospects so he's sniffing. If his ex tried to work things out with him, I bet you would have never heard from him.

 

2) He's a cheater. You caught him. If he confessed, I'd be inclined to give him a break. Instead, he did it behind your back and didn't show remorse. And even now, makes excuses for his infidelity, basically blaming it on you. Big red flag.

 

3) When things get stale, you don't cheat. You communicate it to your partner and you work it out. And just beacuse a partner withdraws, you don't seek attention elsewhere. That's the oldest and lamest excuse in the book. I was bored so I cheated. If life were that simple. What happens the next time he gets bored?

 

This is a huge risk you're taking. I hope it works out for you. And people don't change in 9 months.

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm a sucker for second chances (having had several and knowing how good they feel), but this person cheated.

 

If Travis had to go off to fight in Irakistan or something and while he was 10,000 miles away met a local girl that would be one thing. This guy did the horizontal mambo with another woman when he could have done it with you.

 

CAUTION. If he cheated once he will probably cheat again at some point. Suppose that point comes after years of faith and investment in a new RLship with him?

[lemonlime]

Maybe I missed it, but how long have him and her been broken up? If its been less then three months I would be very wary of his motives. Is he trying to distract himself from that break up with you? I would to KNOW hes over that relationship first. Especially if he spent that much time discussing that relationship with you of all people.

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

No, no, no. The guy isn't acknowledging that he did anything wrong. He cheated, he should be calling you confessing how sorry he is. He shouldn't have even gotten a chance to talk to you otherwise, he doesn't deserve the time of day. This guy threw you out, like you were garbage. And he thinks that he can just come back into your life after the way he treated you with more excuses? He's a sweet talker, and you obvisously really loved him. It does not sound like he reciprocated that feeling. It's only convienent now that hes out of this last relationship that he got into while he was STILL WITH YOU.

 

I totally understand the way you're feeling, I get it. And it's easier to give advice than to take it, but this guy is in it for himself. It's all you ever want; for them to reach out and want you back but this guy is not trustworthy and he doesn't have the morals to stay faithful.

 

Be careful with your decsion. You have a boyfriend that you care about right now too, you'd be leaving him like your ex left you. Only, when your ex leaves you again, you'll probably regret losing this current boyfriend that hasn't cheated on you and probably treats you with more respect that your ex.

 

 

My advice? Take the ego boost from your ex and put it to work in your current relationship.

[cocolove]

He was telling me Krysten was very controlling. She wanted him to delete his facebook, get a new phone, and she took center stage in his life. I asked if I was the first person he reached out to since then, and he said I was. I asked if he was seeing anyone, and he responded that there's a girl he might possibly date but wants to focus on himself first. Krysten has been out of the picture for two months now supposedly, and he broke it off with her but they still text sometimes. I think he's being honest, but not entirely sure.

 

I honestly thought there should have been more groveling, but he would agree about things I said he did. I told him how he really hurt me, but there was no actual apology or just the key words "i'm sorry." Maybe it was his pride, maybe he didn't want to admit he screwed up. Maybe it was GIGS, he claimed I was getting distant, he did tell me he wanted a break then but I never thought he was being serious at the time. I always thought I'd be very "screw you, you don't deserve to talk to me" and I asked him--what did you expect when contacting me? He said that he thought I wouldn't respond at all, that maybe I hated him but I left the friendship door open when he was ready. That "people who are able to forgive you for doing them wrong are rare" and I agree, I guess I'm one of those people now. Who knows, maybe I'm just making excuses for his behavior.

 

I found out they were in a relationship the first week of January, and toward the 20 something of the month was our official "break up" which was shady on his part (we were on a break). I guess he was testing the waters to see if he wanted to be with that girl or not. He didn't count the whole moving on to another girl and dating her, cheating at the time. In my opinion doing that alone was cheating, because we were still together when they were finally official.

 

I really think I'm going to work on my current relationship, because we're happy aside from the part where we fight about little things. Ryan, my current boyfriend is very intuitive knows me really well and pushes me to be a better person. We're now slightly leaving the honeymoon phase, but I'm growing with him. We are LDR right now, which is extremely hard and talk maybe an hour a day if we're lucky, but more on weekends. It's just weird how Travis pops back in at this time in my life, when I'm doing great.

 

I don't know if I could ever trust Travis again, but I'm willing to be his friend and see his growth as a person. We were best friends for six years, and to just see it all turn into nothing was horrible. He did cast me aside and treat me horribly, until he admits to that and apologizes I'm keeping my distance he can contact me, and I'll contact him when I feel like it. I want to see if he's a better man, or if he can reconstruct his outlook on life admit his wrongs and be the guy I thought he would be. Thank you guys for your responses, they're really helping me clarify where I want to go with this.

Edited September 19, 2012 by cocolove

[Liz2012]

I wish you luck. I think sometimes these break ups happen because we don't have the tools to handle them differently...and that he needed to get with someone right away shows it was hard for him to deal with losing you.

 

I think you'll learn more when you have meetings together. Wish you luck and you do sound strong so you'll make a good decision.