I am so confuzzled

September 19, 2012

I am not sure if anyone read my longish post here, which pretty much sums up my story,

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/342755-co-workers-nc-impossible-how-cope

Well, it seems it isn't over yet, at least I didn't get a closure from him. He said that he would think things through and we will talk in September (well, it's September now and we still haven't talked).

I tried NC as much as I could but that is impossible since we are working together. I blocked him on Facebook so that he can't peek on what I am doing and thinking and feeling, and I did well for a couple of days, till he contacted me asking me how I was.

I think I need a closure from him, so I messaged him one morning asking me whether he thought things through as he promised, whether it's definitely over. He called me and told me that he still didn't think about it and still hasn't decided anything, and when I told him that I thought it was over since he didn't call me in a week, he said that he will tell me when he "clears his thoughts". Two days later he tells me he didn't forget and that we will talk tomorrow, but when I asked him to tell me now, he said that some big dogs were to attack him. The next day, he was sick in bed and apologised for not calling. And yesterday evening he called me, but god knows why my stupid phone started switching off on its own, and when we finally got to talk it was like this

Him: My Viber isn't working here, may we talk tomorrow morning?

Me: Can't you tell me now?

Him: The more we postpone it, the better.

Me: Why? You still don't know what to tell me, or you know what to tell me but won't?

Him: The first thing.

Me: How come you still haven't decided?

Him: Well.. I can't tell you now, I'm with friends.

Guys I really need your input here, what on earth is going on???

Edited September 19, 2012 by Berna

September 19, 2012

really? you don't have the message? me thinks you do...

Why are you giving all your power away and letting him pull your strings like a puppet? You already have the answer, if a guy is into you he'll beat the doors down to make it happen. This isn't what is going on here

September 19, 2012

Him: The more we postpone it, the better.

I'd read this as, "If you make me decide now, it's over and you'll beat yourself up for it. If you don't, and leave me be while I hang with my friends and totally ignore how miserable you feel, then I'll string you along until I have detached, and then it's over."

September 19, 2012

It's time for you to wake up.

Your last thread a month ago stated he didn't want a relationship. He hung you on a string. A month later, same old song and dance. You know what's going on. You just don't want to accept.

Look, when someone wants you, they don't kick you around like a ball and tell you they haven't had time to think about how important you are to them. Plain and simple. When someone kicks you around like a ball and tells you they have to think about whether you're worthy enough to invest in and have you in their lives, get out. He may like you but not enough to have a relationship with you.

NC is not impossible. You make it impossible if you choose to. There are poeple out there that have to face their exs at work everyday. Granted you see him a few times in the year and talk over the phone everyday, if you want NC, you communicate strictly about work and nothing more. It's hard but it allows you to not get pulled into the relationship mess. If you want it, you can do it. Don't make excuses. Set up boundaries for yourself and stick to them.

It's hard but it's your first step to gaining your self-respect. Right now you are literally begging him to accept you. Stop. Don't sit around and wait for someone to choose you. And if he's not choosing you, he doesn't want you. Stop begging and bargaining. It's unattractive.

September 19, 2012

Berna, I read your linked story and my heart goes out to you. It's true what they say - if a guy tells you he isn't ready for anything serious right from the start (it doesn't matter what he says after this sentence), he has already warned you that it will not go anywhere. Period. Rarely would a guy change his mind since he has already entered the relationship with his guard up. In fact, with commitment phobic guys, the tighter you hold on to them, the more likely they will take flight. Your best bet, for anything remotely positive, is to act like you've moved on (I say act, because I'm sure you're hurting and it will take time to genuinely move on), giving him more space than he will ever need. Don't pressure him for answers or talk about the breakup with him, but remain civil if you see him or receive messages from him. He needs to be the one to initiate any contact from now onwards. You need to do this, for yourself and because no man, particularly such guys, respect women who don't respect and love herself more. If he sees you have accepted this and moved on, he is more likely to sit up and start thinking.

Take care and keep us posted.

September 19, 2012

I am not sure if anyone read my longish post here, which pretty much sums up my story,

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/342755-co-workers-nc-impossible-how-cope

Well, it seems it isn't over yet, at least I didn't get a closure from him. He said that he would think things through and we will talk in September (well, it's September now and we still haven't talked).

I tried NC as much as I could but that is impossible since we are working together. I blocked him on Facebook so that he can't peek on what I am doing and thinking and feeling, and I did well for a couple of days, till he contacted me asking me how I was.

I think I need a closure from him, so I messaged him one morning asking me whether he thought things through as he promised, whether it's definitely over. He called me and told me that he still didn't think about it and still hasn't decided anything, and when I told him that I thought it was over since he didn't call me in a week, he said that he will tell me when he "clears his thoughts". Two days later he tells me he didn't forget and that we will talk tomorrow, but when I asked him to tell me now, he said that some big dogs were to attack him. The next day, he was sick in bed and apologised for not calling. And yesterday evening he called me, but god knows why my stupid phone started switching off on its own, and when we finally got to talk it was like this

Him: My Viber isn't working here, may we talk tomorrow morning?
Me: Can't you tell me now?
Him: The more we postpone it, the better.
Me: Why? You still don't know what to tell me, or you know what to tell me but won't?
Him: The first thing.
Me: How come you still haven't decided?
Him: Well.. I can't tell you now, I'm with friends.

Guys I really need your input here, what on earth is going on???

it means he wants to bang other people and not bang you, and not date you. he's done and it's over.

September 19, 2012

Thank you all guys. It hurts but deep down I know that it's true. If I didn't have doubts I wouldn't have asked for advice.

I've sent him a mail since he wasn't replying on the phone.

I feel so awful

September 19, 2012

He is stringing your emotions along on the side because he is getting something from it. He is out living life without you and the thought that you are somewhere still out there waiting for him is a boost to both his ego and sense of security.

He clearly isn't invested in this relationship as you are. The best thing that you can do is cut chords with him and move on. You don't need someone who would leave you on the bench while going out to play. You deserve better than that.

Hang in there! Just keep loving you and not putting up with creeps that don't honor your value.

September 19, 2012

Thank you all guys. It hurts but deep down I know that it's true. If I didn't have doubts I wouldn't have asked for advice.

I've sent him a mail since he wasn't replying on the phone.

I feel so awful

NO RESPONSE is your answer.

When someone wants you, they express it.

When someone does not want you, they don't express it.

It's understandable to feel awful but stop going back to the source of your pain hoping to find comfort. He can't give it to you. All he can give you is pain.

September 19, 2012

Look, when someone wants you, they don't kick you around like a ball and tell you they haven't had time to think about how important you are to them. Plain and simple. When someone kicks you around like a ball and tells you they have to think about whether you're worthy enough to invest in and have you in their lives, get out. He may like you but not enough to have a relationship with you.

This. This. Did I say THIS?

September 19, 2012

He is stringing your emotions along on the side because he is getting something from it. He is out living life without you and the thought that you are somewhere still out there waiting for him is a boost to both his ego and sense of security.

He clearly isn't invested in this relationship as you are. The best thing that you can do is cut chords with him and move on. You don't need someone who would leave you on the bench while going out to play. You deserve better than that.

And this....

September 20, 2012

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your replies and your advice.

He replied to my mail saying that I am just to depressed for him, that he is also depressed and that we just aren't compatible. That he can't be with someone he is hurting that much and that I should know that he loves me.

The last statement doesn't make me feel better. Okay, I guess that's it. Sucks.

September 20, 2012

The last statement doesn't make me feel better. Okay, I guess that's it. Sucks.

just throwing out something that you won't be able to get your head around today, but maybe come back and visit this in a month or 3:

this is the opposite of suck, this is AWESOME! you get your life back. you get a chance to find and be with someone who totally digs 100% your bones, someone who will blow your doors off, and make you screamingly happy.

that opportunity hasn't been available to you until now, you've been tossed a gift from the universe.

but you have some work to do to get to the place where you can cash this gift card in - you have to allow yourself some time to heal up, get rid of this addiction of sorts you have going on at the moment. figure out what you want to do different next time. work on yourself to make yourself even more awesome, a queen amongst queens, a goddess. it's there, acceptance is the first step - but you can't take the first step till you go cold hard NC. you can do it, awesome stuff is right in front of you, go get it.

September 20, 2012

Mike _d is right. You don't see it right now but you've just been blessed. It's hard to grasp as you are hurting and feeling like its the end of the world. In a few months you'll look back and realize the value of gaining your emotional freedom and the opportunity to start fresh and seek a partner that will want to reciprocate all that you have to give.

This is just the beginning, my dear. Another journey awaits you.

September 20, 2012

Thank you guys. I certainly hope so. I've been single all my life, and he is my first boyfriend, and I am 27. It's weird, I know. This fact makes me less hopeful that I will ever find someone who will blow my doors off but it doesn't matter. If I've got used to something, it's being single. I just fell so in love with him and thought he felt the same for me.

September 20, 2012

It is very, very unlikely that you will never again find someone who loves you and who you love. You're 27, not 87, and there are many interesting men out there who would absolutely love to be with someone as caring and wonderful as you. Only because you ran into one "dud" and had no luck finding someone who's compatible before him, doesn't at all mean that you won't have plenty of great guys to choose from in the future.

September 20, 2012

Thank you guys. I certainly hope so. I've been single all my life, and he is my first boyfriend, and I am 27. It's weird, I know. This fact makes me less hopeful that I will ever find someone who will blow my doors off but it doesn't matter. If I've got used to something, it's being single. I just fell so in love with him and thought he felt the same for me.

so take this is the opportunity to do something different going forward. look into why you feel that you are ok with being single, what is the fear you have that keeps you from pursuing something that is natural? some introspection/work here at a time when the pain is great will reap great benefits in your life. it's worth it

September 20, 2012

Thank you guys. I certainly hope so. I've been single all my life, and he is my first boyfriend, and I am 27. It's weird, I know. This fact makes me less hopeful that I will ever find someone who will blow my doors off but it doesn't matter. If I've got used to something, it's being single. I just fell so in love with him and thought he felt the same for me.

At 27, you believe you will never find someone that blows your doors? So, visualize yourself, FORTY years from now having met no one, not one single man? Doesn't seem realistic, does it?

Plus, you can't really believe a long distance relationship, that lasted 10 months and one that gave you no commitment is the best you'll ever find out there. Ten months isn't even a blip in the enormity of your life and all the experiences and people that will come into your life.

September 20, 2012

Thank you guys. I certainly hope so. I've been single all my life, and he is my first boyfriend, and I am 27. It's weird, I know. This fact makes me less hopeful that I will ever find someone who will blow my doors off but it doesn't matter. If I've got used to something, it's being single. I just fell so in love with him and thought he felt the same for me.

I know the feeling. Totally. Believe me. I'm 29 and I met my first boyfriend 3 months ago (3 months ago today, at around this time of the day, actually), and he broke up with me last week this time (on the dot). It sucks, but there's nothing we can do about it. I am not hopeful either, and I think I'm gonna stop looking for someone for the next couple of years. As in, both actively and passively looking. After what happened with my ex (emotional and sexual abuse), I don't think I am in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship right now, and it will take me 4-5 years to get there. By then, I will be 35, and it will probably be too little too late to have kids, assuming I re-start dating at 35. And judging by how it's gone in the past, chances are I will not find a suitable partner for at least 2-3 years, and another 2-3 in a stable relationship (assuming it will not break apart), before we can even think of marriage, let alone kids. The odds of me having kids are infinitesimal. But oh well.

Edited September 20, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

September 21, 2012

Thank you again for your replies.

I certainly don't know what the future brings and I won't give deadlines to myself, the only thing I know is that currently I don't have the strength for another relationship (I don't want it and won't be good for anyone right now). When I get better... who knows.. maybe something will happen. If it doesn't, oh well.

I have to ask you something though. Is it normal to feel relief now? Because that is what I feel. I did cry when I read his email, but later on that day and today I have a weird feeling of relief. What's going on?

September 21, 2012

I have to ask you something though. Is it normal to feel relief now? Because that is what I feel. I did cry when I read his email, but later on that day and today I have a weird feeling of relief. What's going on?

Is it normal to feel relief when you stop rolling around in a raging bonfire? Yes, of course it is! That is your survival instinct giving you a break and telling you that it's about damn time you stopped cutting yourself emotionally!

It may not last (lasted a couple days for me after walking away from it all), but that is also normal. Actually, no matter how you feel, it's normal. What wasn't normal is what you had done before.

Onward!

September 25, 2012

Okay, some update.

As you all know, we are still co-workers so we have to communicate on daily basis (except from the weekends of course). On Friday post break up the communication was scarce (1 email exchanged). Yesterday (Monday) I had to call him because of a situation we had here. At the end he sent me "kisses", but I just said "bye".

Today (day 6 post break up) he comes to Skype and calls me "baby". My question was, "since when am I "baby"?" and his answer: "You will always be a baby". And I replied "Okay, just that we don't get confused." And he answers with a smiley.

I am really trying to get over this, and for now I am doing pretty well. I did feel nostalgic yesterday evening and cried for a while, but apart from that I am functioning just fine. Also I've made a promise to myself that I won't give in unless he admits that he is ready to commit and really be with me. His "sweet nothings" ARE giving me a tough time, but I know that I need more than what he has been offering.

Sigh.

September 25, 2012

you need better boundaries

communicating like this at work is inapprop. letting an ex communicate with you like this at any time is wrong wrong wrong

September 25, 2012

Damn Berna... It always sucks when you can't full on NC.

I agree with Mike, you need to tell him exactly what you want or else he will never let you move on in peace. Some guys can really be heartless...

September 25, 2012

His sweet nothings will keep coming because you are not enforcing boundaries. You have to say, "I would like to please keep this professional and nothing more."

I have a feeling you can't because you're afraid that would close the door. What you are doing now is keeping it slightly ajar. Maybe your coldness will provoke him to want you?

Hope you find the courage.

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