Interracial dating and MS complications-need

September 19, 2012

i really really need advice. ha. who doesn't, right?

I met my current boyfriend online. A friend of mine made me an OKCupid profile last year to "help me out." I'm year old African-American female. Divorced. It was an abusive relationship. I got married to the first guy I dated when I was 19. it lasted until 2007. I went back to school and ended up graduating with honors. I went to Japan on a study abroad and dated one guy i thought i was in love with, but he was very immature. maybe it was the cultural differences in expectations.

anyway, I have no other experience with dating. I have always been shy and introverted.

I met my current boyfriend on OKC. He said he was just looking for friends because he had a GF and was not interested in cheating. He had not lived here long and was looking for people to meet. Going back to school, and being divorced, I didn't have a lot of friends so I agreed to meet him. and we really hit it off the first time we met!

I remember that we went out for drinks and he had to excuse himself to check in with his GF.

he really became my best friend. i told him things about my past that I never felt comfortable telling anyone. it was cathartic because I hadn't met anyone in this city that understood me.

we hung out quiet often. maybe once or twice weekly.

and there was never any "tension" because I just saw him as my friend. and he never expressed any inappropriate interest.

we talked about everything including his then current relationship.

she broke up with him early summer this year. and I was stressed with trying to find a job after graduation, and stressed with my own failed attempts at dating. plus my ex like to periodically call and harass me. it was after one those weekends that I was in a very dark place. and my now BF asked if I needed to come over for a drink. and I got hammered. and I kissed him and things progressed.

at first everything seemed happy and wonderful. but then, i don't know.

my biggest issue is with one of his female friends.

when we were just friends he told me all about this woman (26). that she was pursuing him hard despite him having a GF. and even though he dated other people, she still expressed an interest in him. and he talked about her badly and thought she was a whore. but now it seems like they're buddy-buddy.

she had to rent out her apartment 2 weeks ago and he told me that she would be staying with him for a few days.

I took issue with that because....uh DUH.

and also it was during the week that he had chemo, and he said that when he came home he didn't want to see anyone and that I wouldn't see him until the following week. and when I asked why she would be staying there, he said that with the steriods he would be very irritable and wouldn't hate himself if he yelled at her but would feel awful if he snapped at me. hmmmmm.

and she is dating someone now. but I just don't like the fact that he tells me that he doesn't like her hitting on him, but I'm thinking that if he REALLY made it clear then why is she still doing it? and if it is such an issue why hasn't he introduced me?

I asked him if it was because I'm Black, that I haven't met anyone he knows? he's Caucasian and 5 years younger than me. We have been dating for about2 1/2 months. and I know it might be too soon, but I would think he would want to resolve this with me.

when I brought it up he was very offended. and said that he really cares for me, and how could i think something like that?

but i still haven't met her. and when I asked jokingly when I could meet her he got very quiet and paused and carefully said he hadn't picked out a date.

here's the thing. I think that I started out in her position a few months ago. he obviously does not have a problem with dating his friends. his previous girlfriend had started out as a friend as well. I mentioned this pattern to him and he was very defensive.

i feel like he has been pushing me away for some time now. and I realize that I have been distancing myself as well because I don't want to get hurt. he can't spend time with me because he needed to process the closure with his ex, or the summer heat was causing complications with his MS, or he was too stressed from trying to find a job, or now it's having to deal with chemo and finshing his master's. don't get me wrong he really does try to find time for me. it's just frustrating because i feel like he is avoiding me to hang out with his friends.

i feel like such a jerk, but I can't let this go. and he even told me at the beginning of our relationship that is something bothers me that he is doing to tell him. I did. and it has backfired big time. he doesn't understand why I am so insecure about "his friend"

so my question is should I just buck up and learn to trust him, or should we just part ways?

September 19, 2012

I'm year old African-American female. Divorced.

A year old and already divorced. Wow women are starting young.

September 19, 2012

here's the thing. I think that I started out in her position a few months ago. he obviously does not have a problem with dating his friends. his previous girlfriend had started out as a friend as well. I mentioned this pattern to him and he was very defensive.

i feel like he has been pushing me away for some time now. and I realize that I have been distancing myself as well because I don't want to get hurt. he can't spend time with me because he needed to process the closure with his ex, or the summer heat was causing complications with his MS, or he was too stressed from trying to find a job, or now it's having to deal with chemo and finshing his master's. don't get me wrong he really does try to find time for me. it's just frustrating because i feel like he is avoiding me to hang out with his friends.

i feel like such a jerk, but I can't let this go. and he even told me at the beginning of our relationship that is something bothers me that he is doing to tell him. I did. and it has backfired big time. he doesn't understand why I am so insecure about "his friend"

so my question is should I just buck up and learn to trust him, or should we just part ways?

You should part ways and I'm so glad you noticed his pattern because it was exactly what I was going to point out to you.

He moves from woman to woman. He gets them lined up while he is in a relationship and moves on when he is ready for some new excitement. This guy is not committed to you and I think he is the kind of person who will never be capable of committing to one woman. See what he is doing when you are objecting to his friendship with this new girl, he doesn't care because he is doing what he wants to do. He isn't protecting your relationship with him.

I think you need to evaluate whether you have self esteem issues as I really don't think this is race related. I also think though that you need to learn to pick better quality men. A loving, committed guy doesn't hang out with brand new female friends he met on dating sites.

September 19, 2012

i really really need advice. ha. who doesn't, right?

I met my current boyfriend online. A friend of mine made me an OKCupid profile last year to "help me out." I'm year old African-American female. Divorced. It was an abusive relationship. I got married to the first guy I dated when I was 19. it lasted until 2007. I went back to school and ended up graduating with honors. I went to Japan on a study abroad and dated one guy i thought i was in love with, but he was very immature. maybe it was the cultural differences in expectations.
anyway, I have no other experience with dating. I have always been shy and introverted.
I met my current boyfriend on OKC. He said he was just looking for friends because he had a GF and was not interested in cheating. He had not lived here long and was looking for people to meet. Going back to school, and being divorced, I didn't have a lot of friends so I agreed to meet him. and we really hit it off the first time we met!
I remember that we went out for drinks and he had to excuse himself to check in with his GF.
he really became my best friend. i told him things about my past that I never felt comfortable telling anyone. it was cathartic because I hadn't met anyone in this city that understood me.
we hung out quiet often. maybe once or twice weekly.
and there was never any "tension" because I just saw him as my friend. and he never expressed any inappropriate interest.
we talked about everything including his then current relationship.

she broke up with him early summer this year. and I was stressed with trying to find a job after graduation, and stressed with my own failed attempts at dating. plus my ex like to periodically call and harass me. it was after one those weekends that I was in a very dark place. and my now BF asked if I needed to come over for a drink. and I got hammered. and I kissed him and things progressed.

at first everything seemed happy and wonderful. but then, i don't know.
my biggest issue is with one of his female friends.
when we were just friends he told me all about this woman (26). that she was pursuing him hard despite him having a GF. and even though he dated other people, she still expressed an interest in him. and he talked about her badly and thought she was a whore. but now it seems like they're buddy-buddy.
she had to rent out her apartment 2 weeks ago and he told me that she would be staying with him for a few days.
I took issue with that because....uh DUH.
and also it was during the week that he had chemo, and he said that when he came home he didn't want to see anyone and that I wouldn't see him until the following week. and when I asked why she would be staying there, he said that with the steriods he would be very irritable and wouldn't hate himself if he yelled at her but would feel awful if he snapped at me. hmmmmm.

and she is dating someone now. but I just don't like the fact that he tells me that he doesn't like her hitting on him, but I'm thinking that if he REALLY made it clear then why is she still doing it? and if it is such an issue why hasn't he introduced me?

I asked him if it was because I'm Black, that I haven't met anyone he knows? he's Caucasian and 5 years younger than me. We have been dating for about2 1/2 months. and I know it might be too soon, but I would think he would want to resolve this with me.
when I brought it up he was very offended. and said that he really cares for me, and how could i think something like that?
but i still haven't met her. and when I asked jokingly when I could meet her he got very quiet and paused and carefully said he hadn't picked out a date.

here's the thing. I think that I started out in her position a few months ago. he obviously does not have a problem with dating his friends. his previous girlfriend had started out as a friend as well. I mentioned this pattern to him and he was very defensive.

i feel like he has been pushing me away for some time now. and I realize that I have been distancing myself as well because I don't want to get hurt. he can't spend time with me because he needed to process the closure with his ex, or the summer heat was causing complications with his MS, or he was too stressed from trying to find a job, or now it's having to deal with chemo and finshing his master's. don't get me wrong he really does try to find time for me. it's just frustrating because i feel like he is avoiding me to hang out with his friends.

i feel like such a jerk, but I can't let this go. and he even told me at the beginning of our relationship that is something bothers me that he is doing to tell him. I did. and it has backfired big time. he doesn't understand why I am so insecure about "his friend"

so my question is should I just buck up and learn to trust him, or should we just part ways?

I can understand your insecurity

I cant provide you any quick fix answer or any definite knowledge of what is going on as there is always two sides to a story, if you care about this guy talk to him again tell him how close you are to ending it tell him you cant handle it, be open and honest see what his thoughts are.Then if you know him well enough you should be able to tell if he is being honest you shouldn't have to question his loyalty to you

if he cares about you he will be honest if he cares about you he will be caring in his response to you ..there is a lot going on with your boyfriend a lot that he has been dealing with by your post so give that chance to sort things out and if you cant sort it out ....let go.........good luck....deb

September 19, 2012

Thank you for the responses. I'm really at a loss at what to do.

And yes, I do have self-problems. I really do care about this guy, and I feel like a took a BIG chance in letting him in. I asked him a couple of times in the beginning if he was sure he wanting to start dating? And he said absolutely. And now, I don't know how we got so far a part that when ever we try to have a conversation about our feelings/expectations it ends with one or both of us feeling upset.

I hesistate in talking about my concerns with him, and he is the one who said that I need to communicate more with him. And now I really wish that I had said nothing.

Since I started my job last month and he started back up with school I feel like I rarely see him. And when I do it usually involves a story about this girl. and I told him that it makes me uncomfortable. but he sees it as I am trying to force him to be a person that he is not. and he has said that the thought of him ever dating her is ridiculous to him.

I made it a point to ask him out for drinks on Monday and after I had had a few he mentioned this girl's new BF and said that he thought he wouldn't have to worry so much about her anymore. and I (sigh), I sarcastically asked if he was sad about losing her attention? and he just looked at me. and the conversation progressed and she came up again and he said he feels like I don't trust him. and I said jokingly that I know he's not banging her in the library on campus.

and he said ".......you said that jokingly, but I don't think you're joking."

I don't know. I have said that I'm tired of hearing about about her. but i felt compelled to send an apology email at 4 in the morning. I truly feel like my comments were out of line. and he took my email as criticizing, not apologizing. even though I specifically stated that I was apologizing.

he said he doesn't know what to do about my insecurities and is too angry and stressed about my email and chemo to talk to me. so I won't hear from him until probably a week from now. he said he would contact me. didn't say when. but hoped that the rest of my week would be pleasant "despite his rant". haha.

to him the issue with the girl is over. and he doesn't understand why I can't let it go.

i am not confrontational at all. I like to avoid being emotive. It's a defense mechanism, I realize. And I don't know how to talk to him without him getting defensive and storming out like he did 2 weeks ago.

In my email I told him that I care about him so much. I do.

I know what he is going through is so hard for me to understand. But at the same time like EMILIA mentioned, I'm not willing to be just a stepping stone to the next female. I'm tired of crying over this. I told him about this Monday, when he asked how my weekend was. and he seemed really upset that I'm upset. I do see it from his prospective (a little), that he feels at a loss of how to get me to trust him.

he said 2 weeks ago that he thought he was really trying and doing well, but that he feels like he keeps disappointing me. I don't know what to do. He had bad experiences, that why we clicked so well at first. but our collective baggage is getting in the way.

I don't know what to do.

September 19, 2012

but i felt compelled to send an apology email at 4 in the morning. I truly feel like my comments were out of line. and he took my email as criticizing, not apologizing. even though I specifically stated that I was apologizing.

he said he doesn't know what to do about my insecurities and is too angry and stressed about my email and chemo to talk to me. so I won't hear from him until probably a week from now. he said he would contact me. didn't say when. but hoped that the rest of my week would be pleasant "despite his rant". haha.

to him the issue with the girl is over. and he doesn't understand why I can't let it go.
i am not confrontational at all. I like to avoid being emotive. It's a defense mechanism, I realize. And I don't know how to talk to him without him getting defensive and storming out like he did 2 weeks ago.

In my email I told him that I care about him so much. I do.
I know what he is going through is so hard for me to understand. But at the same time like EMILIA mentioned, I'm not willing to be just a stepping stone to the next female. I'm tired of crying over this. I told him about this Monday, when he asked how my weekend was. and he seemed really upset that I'm upset. I do see it from his prospective (a little), that he feels at a loss of how to get me to trust him.
he said 2 weeks ago that he thought he was really trying and doing well, but that he feels like he keeps disappointing me. I don't know what to do. He had bad experiences, that why we clicked so well at first. but our collective baggage is getting in the way.
I don't know what to do.

You have swapped one abusive relationship for another one. He is not abusing you physically but mentally. Open your eyes

September 19, 2012

During our last argument two weeks ago I did actually tell him that I was concerned about certain similiarities in behavior that I saw between him and my ex, and that was when he got really upset and stormed out.

Thanks for the advice. I know I have a decision to make. It's just......(sigh) I don't know.

September 19, 2012

I hope you'll make the right one. I think it would be a very good thing if you seeked some professional advice on how to spot the signs early in the dating process and not allow exploiting men take advantage of you. You have a lot of self awareness and you are obviously a smart girl.

September 19, 2012

I really want to ask him how his previous girlfriend felt about him hanging out with me. Or would that be a low blow? It seems like a valid question to me.

September 19, 2012

I would be extremely surprised if he told you the truth. I think he would say that she didn't mind because she wasn't unreasonable like you are. In truth I'd imagine she did mind.

Not sure why you are concerned that it would be a low blow

September 19, 2012

because they were together for so long, and when she dumped him he was really broken up about it. and i suspect he still is.

i don't want to fight dirty. if the conversation turns into a "we need to break up" sort, I don't want to hit below the belt. and yes, I realize that I am probably more concerned about his feelings than he is about mine.

September 19, 2012

I understand about not wanting to fight dirty, I'm the same. You mustn't mistake that for feeling that you shouldn't have a voice, that's all.

September 19, 2012

because they were together for so long, and when she dumped him he was really broken up about it. and i suspect he still is.

Then shame he thought it to be appropriate to cruise dating sites and befriend women rather than fix his relationship issues.

He sounds really weak to me to be honest. Which is why he picks women with low self-esteem issues of course.

September 19, 2012

I think you're right. I'm just so torn. I realize how ridiculous it sounds when I describe the situation. It's like "what are you waiting for?? He's wrong!" but I still want him to realize that he is wrong and stop. I know he won't. He honestly believes that I am wrong for simply not trusting him. I'm so tired. He reply was that he upset that I sent the email the day before his chemo and that I'm adding to his stress. But I said over and over in my message that I was apologizing not criticizing. After crying all night and early this morning it dawned on me that he is a horse's ass.

September 19, 2012

I think you're right. I'm just so torn. I realize how ridiculous it sounds when I describe the situation. It's like "what are you waiting for?? He's wrong!" but I still want him to realize that he is wrong and stop. I know he won't. He honestly believes that I am wrong for simply not trusting him. I'm so tired. He reply was that he upset that I sent the email the day before his chemo and that I'm adding to his stress. But I said over and over in my message that I was apologizing not criticizing. After crying all night and early this morning it dawned on me that he is a horse's ass.

He is manipulating you. He is passive aggressive because the only way he can keep women (he believes) is by making her feel so bad about herself that she stops questioning him completely. This is what he would want to achieve with you long term.

He would need a complete personality transplant to turn him into the kind of man you want him to be. It's not that he thinks you don't trust him, it's that he is trying to force you into stopping to question him.

He is not a good guy. There would be a point in the future when he would withdraw from the relationship. Blaming you of course.

Edited September 19, 2012 by Emilia

September 19, 2012

You haven't met any of his friends? I mean even before you two started dating? You never met his exgirlfriend?

Now you haven't met this girl and she hasn't met you... don't you find this weird?

September 19, 2012

I, uh, haha. Just finished talking to my boss about a half hour ago and he said everything you're saying. He said I should run and let let him use his recuperating as an excuse to hold me off from speaking to him about this. Yeah. I'm not waiting until he contacts me. I need to get this over with now. ( deep sigh)

September 19, 2012

Oops. I meant my boss said to NOT let him use his recuperating as an excuse.

September 19, 2012

Absolutely. But every time I bring up the topic he turns it on me as I'm being insecure and unreasonable.

September 19, 2012

Absolutely. But every time I bring up the topic he turns it on me as I'm being insecure and unreasonable.

Yeah - I don't think it is a race thing at all. This guy seems to have you all lined up until he is ready to move to the next one. Good luck

September 19, 2012

At this point I've been swinging between crying in the bathroom to staring off angrily in my cubicle. I don't want to be rash but I don't want to wait for him to contact me. Im ready to fight now. Haha.

September 21, 2012

At this point I've been swinging between crying in the bathroom to staring off angrily in my cubicle. I don't want to be rash but I don't want to wait for him to contact me. Im ready to fight now. Haha.

Nothing to fight for. Hope you have dumped him.

September 21, 2012

Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

Wow that is one tiny avatar message.

September 22, 2012

I haven't talk to him yet. I called him Thursday the day after his chemo and he seemed kind of out it. he said i sounded upset and said he would call the next day. He hasn't.

Before we started dating he would downplay his chemo treatments a LOT. He always said that he has dealt with them for so long that he forces himself to live a regular routine, and acted like it was not a big deal. he does chemo twice a year. and this is the last round. and now i'm really doubting myself. i wonder if it would be fair to have this conversation at all? Regardless of him having MS, I'm tired of the reasons of why he can't be with me, I'm tired of feeling neglected and feeling guilty about wanting more of his time. and i'm tired of him focusing energy that should be on me, on this girl.

has anyone out there ever dated, or knows someone who dated a person with MS?

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Interracial dating and MS complications-need

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