RikRak Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 When I start to care about and get serious with a guy, he loses interest. How do I not take it personally? I try to show enough romantic interest, but not be so easy as to jump in bed with guys right away (before three months). I'm friendly, dress modestly, don't talk too much, am polite, neat and clean, pretty easy-going, open-minded, and extremely patient. But I feel like I can't keep guys interested. I'm not ugly, or else I don't think guys would be attracted to me in the first place. Unless I break up with them, guys will stick around with me. But I don't feel like they show me they care or try very hard to keep me. They stop taking me on real dates - they don't have to spend money, but at least get out of the house - and we only go out to run errands or go to the gym. And no, it's not about sex. They just prefer watching television or a DVD rather than taking me some place fun or special. I never get flowers or gifts, and they don't like to talk about their feelings. I don't sense that they're cheating on me, but I feel like they don't think I'm worth putting effort into. Once they ask me to be exclusive with them and see me as a faithful "good" girl, they expect I'll always be there for them, no matter how much they do or don't do for me. I don't wait around for them to call or accept last-minute invites - I have my own plans and friends - but it would be nice to feel missed and wanted and appreciated. How do I not take this personally? And what can I do to keep guys interested in the future? Am I just "too nice" that guys get "comfortable" too soon?
Author RikRak Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Do you personally think that's too long to make guys wait? Or does it surprise you that a girl can hold off on sex for that long (since people seem to have sex so quickly these days)? My reason for waiting is self-respect (don't want to sleep with just anyone I go on a date with) and because I want to be sure that a guy genuinely cares about me and isn't just after one thing. If he's willing to wait and remains interested after sex, he's worth keeping (in my opinion). 1
AmeliePoulain Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Hmm I wouldn't worry about the 3 month waiting period as I know some people who sleep on the first date and another girl who waited until she was married. There are guys that are willing to wait and some don't. Don't ever feel obligated to sleep with anyone because you feel that's what they want. Personally, I have never waited that 3 months but I don't think 3 months is frowned upon. As far as the effort goes, it's hard to tell from what you wrote what may be wrong as it seems you are not being clingy or sound terrible to date. You seem like a good girl from what I read, so it maybe something where if I actually knew you as a friend I could offer some sound advice. As for now, I think it may be the men you are choosing to date? If you were a guy, would you date yourself? Do you consider yourself fun? Have a great sense of humor? Sometimes I worry about a guy getting too comfortable around me but I try to keep things always light and fun and place an importance on being a "friend" as well as being a lover. There's nothing wrong with being nice or too nice, just make sure they're not walking all over you and be playful with them. I always make sure to flirt with my boyfriend as if we're having our first few dates. I try to be interested in my bf's hobbies but make sure that I still maintain my own friends and make time for them. It seems as if you are doing that as well. I guess the most important thing is to make sure that he is not your world. If you keep yourself busy and seem like you are at the top of the world and confident, he will want to be apart of it too 1
CptObvious Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 3 months? I woulda chalked it up as a strikeout and walked away after 3 days.
Author RikRak Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I don't feel obligated and I don't feel bad about making guys wait. Until we're exclusive, they can go have sex with other women - I'm not stopping them - but if I'm special to them, they can wait 3 months to have sex with me. It is not that long, and I know many guys who have waited longer for the right girl. You can enjoy sex without love, but sex with someone you care about is so much better. I don't see my lady bits as a "prize". But so many guys just want to hit it and quit it. How bad would I feel about myself if I let every guy do that to me? And I would have so many sexual partners by now! The last one I only waited a month, and I feel horrible that he's stopped trying already. But I don't think I'm bad in bed and I'm open to many things, or else the guys I've been with wouldn't have wanted it with me all the time. I'm not clingy and I give guys their space. And I take interest in their interests, including football and UFC. I'm willing to do activities they like to do. I think I'd date me, but when it's after I've become a girlfriend and had sex with that they seem to stop trying to please or impress me. I try to be a good girlfriend - thoughtful, nurturing, and patient - but I feel like they start treating me like a fluffy pet after a while. Just touching but no communication or thoughtful gestures.
suladas Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Wow 3 months? My last relationship it was a week! To think if we waited 3 months we never would of had sex because it didn't last that long. I could maybe see that long if you're a virgin but still that's a long time. Anyways if a guy is willing to wait that long they must like you a lot, not to many girls will hold out that long for sex. It's hard to say why it doesn't last? Some guys just seem to not want a relationship to last to long. Is it always around the same time? Anything you're doing you can think of at a certain time that might scare people away?
Author RikRak Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Most people I know get exclusive after about a month or so. I think that's a good target for sex but I know people in great relationships about to get married who had sex on the first night. Point is that you're going to turn off a huge percentage of men, even good men looking for something serious, by making them wait 50 dates before sex The problem is that it's not been 50 dates. Guys don't seem to take me on many dates. It's like maybe three serious ones at most and then it turns into hanging out at their place or my place or just going to the store or gym. Maybe you're right about me turning some guys off, but wouldn't a guy rather have a girl who didn't give it up so quickly and easily? Maybe it depends on the guy? But if I were a guy I'd be afraid of a girl who had too many sexual partners.
Author RikRak Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Wow 3 months? My last relationship it was a week! To think if we waited 3 months we never would of had sex because it didn't last that long. I could maybe see that long if you're a virgin but still that's a long time. Anyways if a guy is willing to wait that long they must like you a lot, not to many girls will hold out that long for sex. It's hard to say why it doesn't last? Some guys just seem to not want a relationship to last to long. Is it always around the same time? Anything you're doing you can think of at a certain time that might scare people away? I really can't think of what I could be doing, but most of the guys I know think girls are "too much" work. But I think there's a difference between putting in some effort and no effort at all. Just asking a girl to drive herself to your apartment (like a delivery) is not trying to keep her around. But perhaps it's my fault for allowing myself to be treated that way.
leoc1973 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I am a guy and I wouldn't make anyone that put out right away a serious girlfriend. If a girl has sex with me too fast its just a huge turnoff. start to think about how many guys she's been with and ya start to think of her being dirty. And yes a guy does want a "prize" so you keep making them wait. I think 3 months is a little too long if you are seeing them regularly. If a guy sticks around for a month just to sleep with you then he usually isn't going anywhere. I always tell my female friends that guys fall in love by accident. Most of the time we are out looking to get laid and you keep us around long enough we start developing feelings that we didn't intend. It depends on age too tho because obviously an older guy may be looking to settle down. Or he may be the eternal bachelor so watch out for them. It sounds to me like they don't wanna take you out because they are looking to stay in with you to get you to put out. Maybe they feel like they are getting taken advantage of by a girl that has no intention of sleeping with them but is making them spend a ton of money. And trust me dear... it really doesn't matter if your good or bad in bed. All a woman has to do is show up! 1
suladas Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Well it should be equal time spent at each others places i think, unless one place is not desirable to be at like roomate, etc. Both people should be making the effort. Like really, I was use to going out for dinner once a week all the time, nothing special or fancy but having a nice dinner together is nice. But even if you want to eat at home making a meal together would be fun? I don't know, my ex said it was boring by the end when we broke up. But the funny thing was, nothing changed from start to end. We went out just as much, still went for walks, etc. So i mean, i was like wth? If you weren't happy with it, speak up or you don't know. Not saying it's your case, but just saying what i've experienced.
LittlePrince Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 When I start to care about and get serious with a guy, he loses interest. How do I not take it personally? I try to show enough romantic interest, but not be so easy as to jump in bed with guys right away (before three months). I'm friendly, dress modestly, don't talk too much, am polite, neat and clean, pretty easy-going, open-minded, and extremely patient. But I feel like I can't keep guys interested. I'm not ugly, or else I don't think guys would be attracted to me in the first place. Unless I break up with them, guys will stick around with me. But I don't feel like they show me they care or try very hard to keep me. They stop taking me on real dates - they don't have to spend money, but at least get out of the house - and we only go out to run errands or go to the gym. And no, it's not about sex. They just prefer watching television or a DVD rather than taking me some place fun or special. I never get flowers or gifts, and they don't like to talk about their feelings. I don't sense that they're cheating on me, but I feel like they don't think I'm worth putting effort into. Once they ask me to be exclusive with them and see me as a faithful "good" girl, they expect I'll always be there for them, no matter how much they do or don't do for me. I don't wait around for them to call or accept last-minute invites - I have my own plans and friends - but it would be nice to feel missed and wanted and appreciated. How do I not take this personally? And what can I do to keep guys interested in the future? Am I just "too nice" that guys get "comfortable" too soon? You get as much as you give.
phineas Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Do you consider yourself "with" these men officially? I mean, do you make it public knowledge to friends & family that you are off the market? Or do you still leave your options open? And once you are exclusive, are you having sex with them?
Emilia Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I'm friendly, dress modestly, don't talk too much, am polite, neat and clean, pretty easy-going, open-minded, and extremely patient. But I feel like I can't keep guys interested. You are definitely too easy going if the above is true. Men like to be kept on their toes. As much as they b**ch about women liking bad boys, they like girls to be a little bit bad too.
ascendotum Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Do you personally think that's too long to make guys wait? Or does it surprise you that a girl can hold off on sex for that long (since people seem to have sex so quickly these days)? My reason for waiting is self-respect (don't want to sleep with just anyone I go on a date with) and because I want to be sure that a guy genuinely cares about me and isn't just after one thing. If he's willing to wait and remains interested after sex, he's worth keeping (in my opinion). I can tell you now there will be a lot of guys that will drift into a friendship/ hanging out together type relationship if the march to sex was 3+ months (with some maybe still seeking it on the side in the meantime). The bonding for a lot of guys involves sex, and when that day is over the hills & far away their initial lust for you fades. Without the sex some will see it like hanging out with their polite quite female friend and others could well be holding back on the enthusiasm for going on dates with you while you are holding back on your enthusiasm for getting it on with them and that pattern stays afterwards. Whatever you want to set as the deadline is appropriate for you, and presumably these guys know your stance. I am guessing for some their passion for treating you special wanes as the week go by as they don't see any passion from you and maybe also no input into the relationship from you because you expect him to take the initiative always, so they do what makes them happy. (just guessing) when it's after I've become a girlfriend and had sex with that they seem to stop trying to please or impress me. This seems like it is part of why you stretch out the waiting period. I'm sure quite a few girls could say this. Maybe you are a little bit too much of nice, modest, reserved girl, and you need to communicate your expectations and show your passion for the guy a bit more. Maybe its the type of guy you go for.
C-V-L Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Well.... 3 months is a long time to be playing games. If a woman is not having sex for that long then the only head space I will be in is self defence/playing games back. There's no room to fall in love with anyone in this head space so when we do finally sleep together I would instantly lose interest in her. You gotta let **** happen naturally, if you just stop stuff from happening a certain way because of some weird timer in your head then ya guys are gonna feel played and play you back. Unless you happen to find a guy who has very little experience with women and doesn't know he's being played then chances are you will always get the same results over and over again. 2
Lamplight Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Hate to say it, but the mean girls always get the men. When I treat a man well and with respect and dignity, I get treated badly. If I treat them like ****, they come running back for more every single time. Weird how it works that way.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 (edited) The problem is that it's not been 50 dates. Guys don't seem to take me on many dates. It's like maybe three serious ones at most and then it turns into hanging out at their place or my place or just going to the store or gym. Maybe you're right about me turning some guys off, but wouldn't a guy rather have a girl who didn't give it up so quickly and easily? Maybe it depends on the guy? But if I were a guy I'd be afraid of a girl who had too many sexual partners. Uh, what exactly is wrong with that? As long as they're still showing interest in hanging out regularly, call you fairly regularly (texting does not count), and answer your calls, what's the problem? Your expectations are way over the top, to be honest. You want to be constantly spoiled. Just have sex with them already. Sheesh. Edited September 21, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I tend to think anyone who sets an arbitrary amount of time before sleeping with someone is playing some games. You should wait to have sex with a guy until you're comfortable...absolutely. But applying this blanket rule of three months is a little silly. What if in one instance you're not even ready in three months? What if, in another instance, you feel a strong connection, discuss exclusivity early, and it feels natural to have sex at only one month in? Having a "rule" like that casts a "one size fits all" syndrome over your relationships. And I'll bet you that guys can sense that. Why not just go with the flow? Absolutely be smart about it - I'm not advocating jumping into the sack with a guy on the first (or even second or third) date...I'm just advocating having a bit more of an open mind. Three months seems like a long time to make someone wait if you're genuinely attracted to them. 2
monkey00 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You sound kind of like someone I'm seeing now. Anyway as the others said the 3 month thing is a pretty long time, many people fall into relationship status before that even. A large part of the attraction and lust is in the sex. It enhances mood and makes people happier when they are together...hell it even gives them good reason to get together often or go out on dates. If you asked me to wait 3 months, I would get bored. I would feel more like a friend than a lover (even if we did everything physical except sex). I think if a guy is into you, he won't really care if you have sex with him earlier on. As for the whole not going on dates thing and hanging at each other's place. Well how much initiative are you taking on suggesting things to do or places to eat at? Personally for me I would lost interest/passion in taking someone out if I sensed that they had no interest in date activities/trying out new food. it's kind of like you're stepping on my enthusiasm to court/take you out, if I don't sense that you're interested in doing those things with me...if I sense that you have a 'meh' attitude....boring girls like this drives me nuts. A girl that has passion to do something is very attractive and goes a long way, especially showing affection or excitement about something!
thatone Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 (edited) I tend to think anyone who sets an arbitrary amount of time before sleeping with someone is playing some games. You should wait to have sex with a guy until you're comfortable...absolutely. But applying this blanket rule of three months is a little silly. What if in one instance you're not even ready in three months? What if, in another instance, you feel a strong connection, discuss exclusivity early, and it feels natural to have sex at only one month in? Having a "rule" like that casts a "one size fits all" syndrome over your relationships. And I'll bet you that guys can sense that. Why not just go with the flow? Absolutely be smart about it - I'm not advocating jumping into the sack with a guy on the first (or even second or third) date...I'm just advocating having a bit more of an open mind. Three months seems like a long time to make someone wait if you're genuinely attracted to them. the above is pretty accurate. OP, put yourself in my shoes. assume i'm dating you. i've paid for dates, i've spent time and money on you, i've done a lot of things i probably don't like doing because you wanted to do them. you, meanwhile, have done little. you've not contributed much of anything to all of this time spent together because you've been keeping a foot in the door the entire time. and when you shoot me down on something that has nothing to do with me, then it's like we just met. i would be better off at this point had you rejected my initial approach, then i wouldn't have wasted all this time on you. that's how those men feel. is it about the sex? not really. sex is easy to come by. there's a girl at the end of every bar giving it away. but that's not the point, sex is a sign of commitment/trust from you. withholding it and offering nothing in its place is a sign of the opposite, distrust and disinterest. you can't remove a thing from a relationship and replace it with nothing, and expect the other person to remain interested. doesn't work that way. so if you want men to remain interested you're going to have to offer them more than you're used to. if it isn't sex then it's gotta be something to convince them. doing them favors, buying them gifts, making friends of their friends, something. and yes all of that amounts to you committing to someone who hasn't committed to you, yet. you are going to have to take some risk, and you cannot stay on the fence and wait for someone else to commit to you first. Edited September 21, 2012 by thatone
oaks Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 But if I were a guy I'd be afraid of a girl who had too many sexual partners. It that's universally true for all guys then all of them would ask you how many sexual partners you have had. Do they?
oaks Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 And trust me dear... it really doesn't matter if your good or bad in bed. All a woman has to do is show up! I disagree. It's entirely possible for a woman to be bad in bed, and it does matter. (but that isn't this woman's problem, of course)
todreaminblue Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Well.... 3 months is a long time to be playing games. If a woman is not having sex for that long then the only head space I will be in is self defence/playing games back. There's no room to fall in love with anyone in this head space so when we do finally sleep together I would instantly lose interest in her. You gotta let **** happen naturally, if you just stop stuff from happening a certain way because of some weird timer in your head then ya guys are gonna feel played and play you back. Unless you happen to find a guy who has very little experience with women and doesn't know he's being played then chances are you will always get the same results over and over again. its funny that you call holding out on sex as a girl playing games.....holding out on sex would be the same for a man then ...yes......so players are guys who hold out on sex...cool...i thought it was the other way around, now i know i am not being played by giving it up....sweet.....deb
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