He Broke Up with Me Because Of My Neediness

[izumi]

I just want to let it off my chest. So excuse my long post.

 

He broke up with me slightly more than two weeks ago. We were together for one and half year. The first six months in the same city, and the other twelve months long distance.

 

He was everything that I ever wanted for a boyfriend. He's sweet, got all my jokes, said I was pretty even without makeup or in my sweatpants. I don't know if we were perfect together, but at least, I felt perfect.

 

Before he went back to his own country to attend university, we spent three days crying. In the end, we decided to do long distance relationship.

 

Everything was fine for the first few months. I visited him for New Year. Then things got a bit difficult for both of us. He had a part time job that he hated a lot, but he had to continue because he wanted to save money and visit me. He's also having trouble in university. He told me more than once that he hated his course, but didn't what else to study because his a level result wasn't good enough. Also he didn't what to do in life, for future. But other than that, he's enjoying his time with his old and new friends, drinking almost every weekend.

 

We still skyped once a week. But besides that, he emailed me less. At first I was fine, upset, but coping fine. And after a few days (less than a week), he'll email me, saying sorry and thank me for being so patient while he's busy with his things.

 

Then I made a mistake. Because I also have trouble figuring out my life and felt stuck in the city full of memories of us alone. I moved to Toronto, where I have no job, no friend, no one around. I started to get depressed. And he's all I had, the only good thing in life then. I can't remember how many times I cried during our skype session, how many long and emotional emails I sent him. I became the worst girlfriend. Needy, controlling and negative. Deep down I knew that it'll eventually drive him away. But I couldn't control myself. I have no direction in life, nothing happy happened to me. I thought that if he loved me, he should be there for me. I became so horrible that when I saw he being happy, I felt angry. How can he be happy without me?

 

I became more depressed that despite his effort, he still didn't have enough money to visit me. It was postponed from summer to winter.

 

Then in August, I decided to come back home. That's when he broke up with me on skype. I can't say that it's out of blue. (A few weeks before it, he emailed me saying that he wanted some time to think things through. That's after I called him hundred times a day. I panicked when he didn't pick up, so I kept calling. It happened a few times, and I really regret being so crazy.) He said he still love me, but not so much as before, and he stopped believing that we'll get through this long distance. I of course asked if there's anyone else in the picture. He said no. And he said that he can guarantee on that.

 

I've been through the denial phase, where I thought he'll change his mind, because the idea of us not being together is so wrong. Then the angry phase, thinking how can he abandon me when I was in my lowest point in life. Then I google and google, and read so many articles.

 

I came across two most awakening articles.

 

The first one is about neediness. I then realized that I cut all our communication by being so needy. During the last few months, even I thought I love him with all my heart but I was being so selfish. I stopped listening to him, stopped caring about him. When he told me about things in school, at work or with friends, I was thinking I don't wanna hear that, I just want to know if he still love me. It got worse if he told me he had a good time with his friends. I became bitter. Maybe that's why he no long looked forward to our skype session as he did.

 

The second one is about why young guys suddenly freak out if a relationship. It mentioned something about brain development. It's like for children, they believe in fair tales because the part of brain which tells fantasy from reality hasn't developed fully. So when a guy, usually when they reach 21, will suddenly be afraid of commitment. Even thought they said they wanna marry you and grow old together when they were 19. It's natural, it's normal, it's biology.

 

I don't know how true it that, but these two articles make me feel better. I don't know if we can have second chance in the future, because I still fell that what we had was something special. But of course, everyone feel that right after a break up.

 

We haven't talked at all since. There's a point I wanna email him so badly after reading the neediness and brain articles. I wanna tell him that I know my mistakes, I wanna tell him I am sorry I screw up, I wanna tell him not to forget me, I know we can't be back together now, but I want him to remember me as the sweet girl. But luckily I seek some advice before writing, and everyone told me not to. And I'm glad I didn't. Because what's the point.

 

He said that I can contact him whenever I want, but he then added, but I know you'll be to proud to do that. He knows me well and it made me more upset.

 

I wish that I can turn back time.

[esstea]

Wow no replies? Weird.

 

Well! I actually took the time and read this entire post and let me begin by saying I completely, utterly, 100% know where you are coming from. I would honestly hate for you to feel like this breakup is your fault, because honestly, it's not. You could have probably done a couple things differently, but you were put into a really sticky situation and I'm assuming because you were only dating for 6 months, perhaps the relationship wasn't strong enough to thrive through a 12 month stretch long distance....

 

And that's interesting about those articles. I actually never knew it had to do with biology, and why men think like that. But it does make sense.. I could relate it to some experiences in my mere 21 years of life! Haha.

 

Anyways with all that being said, reading your post kind of made me realize a couple things with my relationship, and with that being said, thank you for sharing it.

I'm in a long distance relationship right now (we were dating for 6 months and now he's in Germany studying abroad for the next 6 months), and it's really hard to not be needy. But I'm trying my best because I know my neediness will do more harm than good.

 

I suppose we just have to all take in account our mistakes and just be more wise the next time around. If I was in your position, I wouldn't talk to him right now either. You need to work on your personal happiness right now, and clearly your needs weren't being met in the relationship, thus why you we're acting out. Good luck!

[Mike_d]

from the other side of the fence, that's a ton of needy behavior that nobody wants to have to deal with. a good relationship is based on equal footing, if one partner is off the deep end and the other one can't do anything to comfort the crazed one then it becomes really burdensome. But I see where you acknowledge your part(s). The move and then with no life of your own to fall back on you were very out of balance and totally dependent on him.

 

I'm surprised that people told you not to email. But what have you done to better balance your life in the meanwhile? I'd think that a mea culpa would potentially go a long ways if you were serious about resolving your part of the issues.

 

And I also disagree with the broad brush about young men being afraid of commitment, there are plenty who are, but there are plenty of guys that age who get married, start families, and are very committed to their wives and family.