taking a break, what it means

[newmoon]

my bf and i have been together 1 year; we're going on vacay together in 2 weeks for 12 days. it seems like maybe the stress of the upcoming trip has been affecting us and there has been recent disagreements and irritability. so, in an attempt to stop the possibility of pre-vacay fighing i (today) asked for a 'break' until we leave (exactly 14 days from today). i said i didn't want him to come over or spent nights. he took it negatively and packed up all his items from my apartment, like his toothbrush, extra clothes, etc. anyway - i have never asked for a break before in any relationship so i'm just wondering, from both men and women who've had them - do they eventually lead to break-ups? do the men care at all when the women want space? is it seen as an opportunity to date others? do you still contact each other while on 'break?' etc. just your general experiences. i 'feel' like maybe it's a stepping stone to breaking up? and i also feel so awkward about it all, because the feelings are still there but like 'on hold' or something. how do you regain the intimacy back when the break is over?

[TopCat22]

In my experience whenever a gf has asked for a break it's lead to a breakup. The fact that you need space from someone you love speaks volumes in itself. Whilst I think that spending some time apart can be healthy for a relationship you probably need to ask in the right way. My alarms would certainly go off if I was told we were on a "break". From a guy's perspective it makes you feel that something is really wrong and sadly the gut instinct is to hold on tighter and try and fix things. Exactly the opposite of what is needed.

 

You just need to be honest with him. What frustrated me about the "breaks" was I never really found out why they were needed. Having an open discussion about why you need space might be the best way to go.

[mvc]

personally i hate "breaks". if you are together and in love a simple conversation about what the problem(s) is should be enough. if you feel you need to be away from that person without contacting them it does come across as "im not sure if i want to break up with you so ill try this and see how it goes"

[Svet74]

My ex asked for a break the first time we broke up. ANd said if things change we will get back together and wanted to stay friends. I dont do breaks so i just left for good. we ended up getting back together 8 months later, then broke up again a month later. I felt like i was making the relationship work and he just did not care

[NoMoreJerks]

My ex always kept asking for "space". He never asked for a "break", but after a while his demands for "space" and complains that I was smothering him increased. Mind you, I rarely called him, just expected him to call every now and then, and when he was in town, which was only for 2-3 weeks at a time, I wanted to see him every day. So I never understood his demands for "space", especially that he made them when he went back home (and when he went back home, he rarely called me, though he texted me multiple times a day, but mostly about his sex fantasies). In the end, the day of the break-up, he threatened to break up with me and when I begged him not to, he told me "I need space, ok? I don't always want to talk, even when I'm not busy". I said I was sorry for not giving him space, and he relented on the break-up. But there were a host of other things he had brought up in his break-up talk and many of these crossed my boundaries (he repeated his demand for threesome even though he had promised not to talk about it again, he complained that we never talked about me and another woman giving him a blowjob at the same time, etc.). So I just told him I was breaking up with him because I wanted more than just sex/a fling. He said he agreed that it wouldn't work between us, and said that I deserved better. I didn't reply. But I know that from the start, his demands for "space" were red flags that I wanted to be blind to. I mean, yes, I may have been a bit too overboard with my expectations that we see each other every day, and I may have been a bit too attached to him, obsessively so, but I don't think it's anywhere close to what others may have done -- as in, calling him a 100 times a day, etc. If he didn't feel like seeing me, I didn't push for it. All he had to do was tell me so, and we didn't see each other. But after a while it just felt like I was doing all the work to keep this a relationship, and not a casual fling, and he didn't care enough about it to put in any effort or energy. Instead, he had different priorities. I felt like any time he had something fun to look forward to -- like a trip to Thailand for vacation -- he would ignore me, and when he was bored and had no one else to hang out with, he would call me up or want to see me. When he was here on a business trip, he told me that his co-worker who had come here with him, was going to hang out with him every day for dinner, drinks, etc. I said... ok....... I was kinda disappointed that he wouldn't suggest that I come with him, and would instead just completely ignore me and hang out with his co-worker instead... He said work was his "priority." Of course, I don't want him to ignore work, but that was socializing after work, and he could've easily taken me along. Except that maybe he felt embarassed of me, didn't want anyone to know that he was with me. I guess that was a sure sign that he was treating me as a fling, not a serious relationship. Anyhow, when things didn't pan out with his co-worker (who didn't want to hang out with him and instead wanted to hang out with his gf), he came back to me and started hanging out with me. I was happy, and completely forgot about that incident, but now that I think about it, it was a red flag.

[head-over-heels]

For me a ''break'' is not a positive thing for a relationship

Unless you both mutually agree and it's for the right reasons.

 

When my bf asked me for a break for some time to himself i was left devastated and so confused beacuse i didn't see it coming.

Although he assured me he didn't want to break-up.

 

For me it was all a negative expeirence and when he came back to me i can truthfully say i never felt the same about him for the simple reason that it left me questioning our whole relationship.

 

I'd give anything to have back what we had, so my advice to you is be sure a break is what you want because it does change things.

[flitzanu]

"break" = "space" = "time" = breakup.

 

it's just the pussy way of breaking up, because in a few weeks when you've decided you're done, you can just say "WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK I MEANT BY BREAK, I MEANT BREAKUP!"

[Appleness]

I have no idea why it's confusing people. The answer is obvious. You don't randomly run away and come back to push a magic "reset button" on the relationship. As a grownup, you assume responsibility for things and people in your life.

 

Asking for a break/ time/ space is the relationship equivalent of:

 

-telling the bank you will stop paying your mortgage for an unspecified amount of time. Not because you can't afford to but because you're "confused".

 

-leaving your dog/ cat at home alone. Who cares if they have food or water right?

 

-telling your boss at work that you need "space" to figure out where your life is headed.

 

-failing to show up for classes in the middle of a semester cause you wanted to see about trying out a different course of study. Your current one just doesn't "excite" you quite the way it used to.

 

In none of these scenerios is it acceptable and you will not be accepted back with open arms. If you have a problem, you make arrangements and you WORK at solving the problem. The fact that people choose to walk away speaks volumes. If this is your first relationship, learn from this. This is unacceptable. How do you ask for a break to stop a fight? Do you always fight before a vacation? That sounds unhealthy and seems like a problem that needs to be resolved.

[flitzanu]

awesoem analogy, apples. i may steal that.