Today? I'm out...

[seren]

AnotherRound

 

I so, so recognise this way of thinking things down to the atom and then splitting it to need to know what, why and how. It's like being a watch that has been wound up too tight. My H calls it my Tigger on speed ... and then some times. It is exhausting and each question just throws up another until it is just a huge jumble of ????????

 

I write it all down and take each one as it comes, those I don't have the answers to, I score 1-10 and deal with the importance of knowing and how far I need to unpick before I can just accept that there are sometimes only answers someone else can give me. So I ask them and wait for their answer. truth is you can and will never truly know what he thinks about his wife or his marriage, if he told you one thing you would always wonder if what he said was truth or lies. It's the nature of the beast.

 

The thing that surprised me was that on D Day there was no question of me not loving or leaving H and I never, ever thought I would do that, I just knew that without him I would be half of who I am and he without me. It was that simple. Some things deny or defy analysis.

 

I think the big question is what do you want? and then what follows is what needs to happen to make it so? If it is that the A is the sticking point rather than the relationship, then do you go NC or if indeed it is not then do you just have to accept what is and go along with that.

 

Start what you want, the rest will follow. I play solitaire in my head to stop my crazy brain racing moments. x

[AnotherRound]

I don't think everyone needs CBT. LOL So I will disagree with you that everyone can benefit from it.

 

I am glad that you have had it- so you have the tools in place to handle the upheaval and get back on track, and not be distracted by your MM's nonsense. And it really is nonsense. You deserve better than to be someone's just in case.

 

No, you're right, not everyone benefits from CBT. I was talking therapy in general, as CBT is only one technique, although it is the most effective for the most varied list of issues. I do a lot of validation and strength building sessions with my clients, no CBT at all. And that really helps some people find their confidence and answer their own questions.

[AnotherRound]

I honestly don't know if you can ever know for certain. Only the person in question knows the real truth, and even then their emotions may be so mixed (or their heads so fracked up) that THEY don't even know the real truth. Some people--especially those who are personality disordered--believe the lies they tell themselves.

 

Honestly, I haven't even figured it out in my former A. I have thought about it a good deal, and to this day I am unsure what xMOM really wanted from me and what he really felt for me. It doesn't matter anymore--I'm in another place and have other goals. And, for OW/OM who are trying to move on, I think that's an important place to reach. We'll never know what MM/MW really thought and felt. So we have to reach a point where it doesn't matter, simply because the MM/MW has ceased to be important in our lives.

 

Agreed. I think the problem here is that I DID move on... but only bc it was an A, no other reason. So, when he came back around, and is soon to be single, I started re-thinking about it. As in, does this change anything for me? Does this influence what I want?

 

I didn't want the A. I always wanted him. Not to marry or for any type of "happily ever after" idea... but a real chance to try with him. So, if that is a possibility, then I feel the need to re-think it.

 

It could go a few different ways, and I just want to be prepared. Or, I may decide that it's just not worth all the upheaval and not even give him a chance. And, a lot of what I decide will depend on how he plays his hand throughout the situation. I am paying attention to how he is reacting, acting, etc. bc I think it's relevant in helping me reach MY decision - if I ever have to make one.

[AnotherRound]

I don't have a solution for the obsessive thinking but I can tell you that you are not alone in trying to understand it all. As a BS, I guess I'm just trying to say it's the same in another corner of the triangle. I am 18 months removed from Dday and basically just signed divorce papers. So what's left that is relevant to understand, right? Nothing really. Yet here I am every day for a year and a half trying to somehow piece it all together. I have similar feelings that somehow "understanding" it will give me closure or something. I don't think that's going to happen. Like you have questions about their marriage, I have questions about my wife's affair. They're not going to get answered and reaching acceptance of that is an eventual goal. Reaching indifference is another. I'm not quite there yet. What I see in your situation is that renewed involvement has set you back. Their drama is not over and now you have sleepless nights, unable to eat, etc.. Put a stop to that. Maybe you have a future with this man but my recommendation is that it won't be healthy until he is no longer "effed up." Otherwise you will feel like a rebound and a soft place to land. Get back to that peaceful detachment and if it ever looks like you are both healthy and stable (and single) and interested again like a year after his divorce, I think you'll find yourself questioning the relationship much less. Until then, I think firm NC (again) is best for all three of you. Changing that did you no good.

 

I appreciate you sharing. And yes, I can see that all 3 sides of these triangles have a lot that they probably wish to understand, and understandably so.

 

And absolutely, the renewed involvement has set me back. I hate that, but it is what it is. It is the reason I started on this site, the entire reason. I hadn't "needed" anything like this site for quite a while, as I really was just "over" it. Not over my feelings for him, but over thinking about it, worrying about it, trying to figure it out. I had gotten to a place where I just assumed that he and his stbxw would stay married forever despite neither wanting to be there, and that it wasn't my problem, or my issue, or my concern. And honestly, I was perfectly okay with that. I even felt a sense of relief that I wasn't involved in their "crazy train" (as I called it) anymore.

 

I agree. He definitely needs to be in a better place emotionally and in "his head". He is reeling right now from all the changes, and he is NOT comfortable with change at all. Very routined, very scheduled... this is jacking with him big time as it all changed very quickly, and he had no control over it.

 

I think a year would be reasonable. He, however, is not of the same mind. He is already exhausted with the divorce and ready for it to "just be done with" so that he can "move on". He is extremely impatient with the whole thing, and I honestly think he is hyper aware of his age. (He keeps bringing up that his father died young, or a friend recently died young, and his brother died young). I think he's terrified that he's going to die young and miss out on things, so he is pushing life at a rapid pace in an effort to fit in as much as he can before that happens. That's just my speculations though, he has never come out and said it directly - other than the "I feel my good health slipping away every day". Panicked almost about it.

 

But you make a lot of good points here, thank you. I did sleep the past two nights, and have the next 4 days off, so I will be catching up on that, hopefully. And, I made myself eat yesterday and today, even though it wasn't much, it was healthy and something.

 

And yes, I'm working on getting the rapid thinking under control. I just get so hyperfocused in my own head that I can't distract myself from it. I think it may be time to break out my Nintendo DS, lol. Thanks again for the thoughtful response.

[AnotherRound]

AnotherRound

 

I so, so recognise this way of thinking things down to the atom and then splitting it to need to know what, why and how. It's like being a watch that has been wound up too tight. My H calls it my Tigger on speed ... and then some times. It is exhausting and each question just throws up another until it is just a huge jumble of ????????

 

Yes, it is exactly like that! I feel like I could run laps around the county for days and never get tired. It's an adrenaline rush, but not a feel good one. Just a pure chemical takeover in my body almost, where I'm just running on that adrenaline for days. Well, until I crash, which will inevitably happen, it always does. And yeah, at the end, I hardly have any answers, but still just a jumble of questions. Lol... pointless, I know... but it is just the way my brain works sometimes.

 

I write it all down and take each one as it comes, those I don't have the answers to, I score 1-10 and deal with the importance of knowing and how far I need to unpick before I can just accept that there are sometimes only answers someone else can give me. So I ask them and wait for their answer. truth is you can and will never truly know what he thinks about his wife or his marriage, if he told you one thing you would always wonder if what he said was truth or lies. It's the nature of the beast.

 

Agreed. You can never "really" know what any other person thinks or feels. I have to just accept what I am told in those situations, and I do, until proven otherwise. I do the lists too. And a lot of journaling, and they are helpful. Just lately, it wasn't enough. Usually it is...

 

The thing that surprised me was that on D Day there was no question of me not loving or leaving H and I never, ever thought I would do that, I just knew that without him I would be half of who I am and he without me. It was that simple. Some things deny or defy analysis.

 

True. I wish that I had that solid of a decision made already, bc I don't really have any idea what I want. Right now, exMM could do or say something that would be a game changer, and I would decide, nope. Or, he could do or say something that would make me want to try with him. It's just so up in the air right now. And true, not everything can be analyzed. Those things are hard for me bc I like when things make sense. And emotions sometimes do not make sense, and can't be analyzed. Hence, the churning of the wheels in my head over and over bc there is NO answer.

 

I think the big question is what do you want? and then what follows is what needs to happen to make it so? If it is that the A is the sticking point rather than the relationship, then do you go NC or if indeed it is not then do you just have to accept what is and go along with that.

 

2 weeks ago, I knew what I wanted. I just wanted to keep living my peaceful life. Working on my career, spending time with friends, dating SGs and taking life as it came. Then, when he called me, it all seemed to change. I don't know what I want. On one hand, I want to try with exMM if that's a possibility, bc I really think it could be amazing (with a lot of things needing to be different than before, obvs.). But, on the other hand, I don't want to try and be disappointed, or ruin the progress I've already made in getting over him, or ruin the positive emotions that we both still have for each other ( as the break up wasn't bad).

 

I would like to take some time, not for me, I've had time, but for him. So that he can make a decision based on coming from a good place emotionally. If, after his head clears, and the D is finalized, and he is on his own path - he decides he wants to be with me, then I would try it. But I'm afraid that he's rushing it bc of his own issues, and that it is going to ruin it from the get go bc he isn't making an active decision, but falling into something that is comfortable for him in some ways. Does that make sense?

Start what you want, the rest will follow. I play solitaire in my head to stop my crazy brain racing moments. x

 

I am working on stopping the rapid thoughts, and have it a bit more under control tonight. Working helps, and I'm doing as much of that as I can. I guess the first thing to do would be to figure out what I want, bc when you asked that, I can't answer it. Not clearly. I want him, but only with a whole lot of clarifiers tacked on...

[Summer Breeze]

AR I am in a very similar situation. I ended it with MM quite some time ago. I told him I wanted more and for various reasons I was aware of he said he couldn't. I understood, just as I had from the start, and then I chose to move on rather than remain where I was becoming unhappy.

 

He's always remembered me on Valentine's Day and my birthday. He's sent emails periodically as well. The gifts were never acknowledged and most of the emails were unopened.

 

His D is final early next month and he wants me to give him a chance. I posted on here and everyone kept me right. Superb advice to wait, take my time, make sure he gets the time he wants and needs, and to make sure that if we start again we do so as an all new R. This came from some wonderful BS and OW alike and I appreciated every word from them. I also wanted to come out and be public in the forum so there is a level of accountability.

 

It is difficult. We've had 3 conversations (phone) and each I allocated a specific amount of time. I wanted to make sure they didn't linger and that we spoke about the important things rather than it be all reminiscing.

 

I've been happily living my life as well AR and this did throw me for a loop but I am also not going to pass by the opportunity to explore it. I'm finding it easier to keep it under control than he is but he understands why. We're going to wait till 3 weeks after his D is final to have a coffee. Nothing magical about 3 weeks, we just kind of agreed to give it a little bit of time before we meet face to face.

 

I tend to overthink things too sometimes but I've done a pretty good job of holding this under control. I do understand your conflicting emotions and in all honesty it all terrfies me, either going forward with him or without him. I don't see me letting fear keep me from seeing what we could have.

 

Good luck and if you need to talk either here or PM just whistle!