Love/hate

[Ladydrib]

It's been a ride of love and hate. How can you not be angry at someone who continues to live a double life? It's one thing to not be in love with your spouse, stay with hopes of working it out, and then poof! You fall in love with someone else because your heart was vacant. You don't even see it coming and certainly don't look for it (at least this is true in my case) and I believed it to be true of my married man. BUT if that is true, time to really power up working on the marriage or time to end it. No matter what you are faced with a big decision. The anger comes in when someone floats endlessly with indecision, while other peoples lives are being wasted. This was such a struggle. But at the same time, he (remove the affair) but he brightened my life. We communicated though intuition and feeling. We could see right though into each others soul. We were so spiritually in tune with one another. And his warmth and love was amazing. I've never felt anyones head rest on my shoulder and radiate such love before. And I'm not even talking in a sexual sense. I'm speaking from an emotional perspective. He made me laugh and I made him laugh. We were playful. Trusting. He was so intelligent and his mind was beautiful. But he was not changing anything. I couldn't go on like that. Did I give up too soon? Did I ruin it by trying to sabotage it because I struggled so much to leave. I will never love again as I loved him. I'd like to say so much to him but I cut it off. So I'll say it in here. I've always been actively engaged in my life. But once I spent my life with him, I discovered such range of emotions and experiences I've never had. That's now gone. And since it was an affair, it really never was. But I do hope and pray we find our way back with each other. I can have the affair again. But that's not what I want. And I'm not willing to settle for that. All or nothing. Time will tell. Or maybe I'll wait, still hoping for years to come. I'll do my best to stop, but it was so effortless and natural. Our connection and our love. I have never been a sappy person. I've become one of those people I laughed at for several reasons. Thanks for reading. And thanks for any comments.

[sleepie]

I understand what you're feeling, which is definitely a mixed bag of emotions. Natural and normal.

 

You did not give up too soon.

 

Although I am not a big believer in soul mates and such, I do believe this: TRUE love eventually finds a way. Sometimes that means two single people meet, fall in love and stay in love forever. Sometimes that means a married person has an affair, falls in love with their AP, and they live happily ever after. But it also sometimes means that a married person has an affair, and the affair makes them realize that their true love is their spouse, and they return to their marriage with a renewed sense of love and commitment.

 

No one knows how it will play out in the end. I also believe that two people may LOVE each other, or only one of the two may really be in LOVE, or neither are in love at all. Again, time tells this, as true love between two people eventually finds a way.

 

I feel your pain and I'm sorry you feel this way. Truly. A broken heart--because that's what I think you have--is so so painful.

 

Also, remember this: some people--men and women--are just cowards. Love doesn't matter. They're too cowardly to leave their financial security, social status, children's love... whatever. This doesn't make them bad people. It makes them human. If this kind of person--this coward--truly loved you, then they'll pine for you forever. But they still will never let go of that security blanket that keeps them safe.

 

I believe, honestly, that this is the case for my xMOM. I believe he loved me deeply and truly to the depths of his soul. But I also believe he was a coward who couldn't face the idea of leaving his security, his safety, his life. I don't hold this against him, not anymore, but that's the way it is.

[Ladydrib]

I understand what you're feeling, which is definitely a mixed bag of emotions. Natural and normal.

 

You did not give up too soon.

 

Although I am not a big believer in soul mates and such, I do believe this: TRUE love eventually finds a way. Sometimes that means two single people meet, fall in love and stay in love forever. Sometimes that means a married person has an affair, falls in love with their AP, and they live happily ever after. But it also sometimes means that a married person has an affair, and the affair makes them realize that their true love is their spouse, and they return to their marriage with a renewed sense of love and commitment.

 

No one knows how it will play out in the end. I also believe that two people may LOVE each other, or only one of the two may really be in LOVE, or neither are in love at all. Again, time tells this, as true love between two people eventually finds a way.

 

I feel your pain and I'm sorry you feel this way. Truly. A broken heart--because that's what I think you have--is so so painful.

 

Also, remember this: some people--men and women--are just cowards. Love doesn't matter. They're too cowardly to leave their financial security, social status, children's love... whatever. This doesn't make them bad people. It makes them human. If this kind of person--this coward--truly loved you, then they'll pine for you forever. But they still will never let go of that security blanket that keeps them safe.

 

I believe, honestly, that this is the case for my xMOM. I believe he loved me deeply and truly to the depths of his soul. But I also believe he was a coward who couldn't face the idea of leaving his security, his safety, his life. I don't hold this against him, not anymore, but that's the way it is.

 

Thank you for sharing. Your words are so insightful, helpful, and inspiring.

[AnotherRound]

I am right there with you. I don't have any hate, as it just isn't an emotion I've experienced much of.

 

But the indecision? GRRRRRRR... I SO feel that too. More frustration with that than with anything during the entire A. Frustration with him and his stbxw that they wouldn't just fix it or get out. I know, not my right to have any opinion on their marriage, but it is how I felt. And sad... sad to know that 2 people were staying in a relationship for anything other than love. I know that not everyone forms their relationships based on love/feelings, but for me, it's the most important thing. With it, all the rest (if the people are compatible), will fall into place.

 

I can tell by your post that you are missing him and the "us" that you had. That is a tough feeling, especially when you know you could have a taste of it - if you were willing to "settle" for the A again. But for me, the taste of it will never be enough again. It wasn't enough ever, but I dealt with it, managed to make it seem like "enough" for a long time... as it was the most I could have. But now? I want it all, or I want none of it.

 

No idea what changes that for the APs like us. Maybe you have a better understanding of that than I'm able to get, as I've tried, but just don't get it quite yet. But for me, something has changed. It wasn't my love for him, it wasn't that I all of a sudden thought the A was satanic... it just wasn't what I wanted anymore. I wanted him, I wanted us... but I didn't want it like that anymore.

 

And, time will tell. It's something that can't be predicted. I do believe that everything happens for a reason - if we treat it like that, then we will take something from it into our journey of life. And for me, sometimes, that all I will take with me. I'm not always happy about it, but it is what it is.

 

Yes, do keep sharing here. I always enjoy your posts and find something useful for myself in them too.

[Ladydrib]

I realize you'll probably be defensive but try listening to a different perspective. You may have said you wanted a decision, any decision, but your actions said otherwise. If you really felt deep down how you said- then You would have said "no contact unless you've already divorced". It just isn't possible to work on a marriage while youre running back and forth with an AP even if you think you've dialed it back, you're just friends again, you're "supporting" him. Actually by staying in any kind of contact you're doing 2 things:

1 showing you're ok with the situation where you're the OW but he's still with his wife

 

2 sabotaging any reconciliation between them.

 

Yes he should take responsibility for getting you out of his life, no question it's not your fault he comes back. But you can't (IMHO) cry foul for something you're facilitating, validating and encouraging.

 

The best way to get a decision, what you say you want, is to go nC on him.

 

Hs xOW went through a phase of fake telling him to try again with me. I say fake, she may have though she meant it who knows. But it was an expression that went with her expressed fear he would leave me then blame her forever. And it showed that she really wanted him to "try" I'm a sabotaged way that was self fulfilling. As I say she probably wasn't Ben fully aware of the implications of what she said and did because she also didn't think he could lie to her even though she suggested lies for him to tell me.

 

I think the love in the love/hate you speak of isn't really love. Love in my experience never wants the beloved to be a bad person. It doesn't seem like self love to me either. And it doesn't seem like hate since hate would distance itself from him. So I would say it looks more like addictive behavior which is quite separate from any real emotions.

 

Defensive, no. But you've completely misunderstood what I said, where I am, and my feelings. We are in no contact, and I did tell him it is over, and that is why, because while he may be unhappy, he is still married and he either needs to work on it or end it. He chose to end his marriage (by words) but chose not to (by inaction). I saw his inaction and made the decision for all of us. It's over between us and he knows why. So thank you for your perspective in the first section, and it may apply to others, but not me.

 

My post is not about getting a decision. It's about the mixed emotions running through me. The doubts. The aftermath. The confusion. When I asked questions, they are just some of the thoughts that pass through my mind, I'm not actually asking questions in this post. Yes it has a question but that's my stream of though. Nothing more. And I certainly know what addiction is and I certainly know what love is. I do love him and there is no way you'd be a better judge of if it is love or not from a snapshot of looking inside my confused thoughts of the aftermath. Hate, I don't really hate him or anyone for that matter. That is a way of expressing my anger for the back and forth. His confusion which was stringing me and his wife both along. Again, it was me sharing my mixed emotions.

 

Also, no clue what you're talking about regarding someone else. I never said he had anyone else. He never said he had anyone else. Sure that's something easy to lie about, but again you don't know the whole story or all the details so would not be equipped with enough knowledge on who he is to say he was lieing. There is a lot more depth and range to a person's character than having been capable of an affair.

 

And btw, I know it sounds like a wonderful thought for the marriages to be worked on and ultimately successful, but after enough years of working without results, without love, without intimacy, it becomes obvious that you simply do not love that person and no matter how hard you try, or how bad you want to love that person (the spouse) you realize you never will again. That's the point at which people need to divorce because they DO become vulnerable to affairs. And even if it is against their beliefs, human needs wins over ethics. It's not an excuse, it's survival. It's our responsibilty as married people to identify and deal with this before it gets to that point. He and I failed at that. And it's cliche and fantasy-like to say that either of our marriages can be happy at this point - with or without the presence of an affair.

[Ladydrib]

Jaded eyes,

 

Just reread your post. When you spoke of "his ex ow" it appears you had switched to your story. So maybe it will make more sense to me now. I'll have to reread. But keep in mind, we are all different people with different circumstances so our situations may have nothing more in common than infidelity. Don't forget, I've been the betrayed spouse too. Does that mean you identify with an other woman?

[obladi]

Also, remember this: some people--men and women--are just cowards. Love doesn't matter. They're too cowardly to leave their financial security, social status, children's love... whatever. This doesn't make them bad people. It makes them human. If this kind of person--this coward--truly loved you, then they'll pine for you forever. But they still will never let go of that security blanket that keeps them safe.

 

Yea!! I'm not a coward! I went to my girlfirend!

[2sure]

Ladydrib....and really any OW hanging in this in between state...He made a Decision. He Made it. He DECIDED to DO nothing.

 

I wish OW would stop wondering how MM could choose to stay with a spouse he doesnt love, or choose to not be with you...Doesnt Matter!! OW and BS both can think they are competing to be the one he decides on. Thats not the issue, not the decision on the table.

 

He is perfectly capable of making decisions . He decided to have or continue to have an affair. He decided not to get divorced. He decided not to tell his wife he was unhappy. He decided not to tell you he was happy. Whatever.

 

He decides to do something or nothing.

 

To move forward you have to recognize that HE Made a Decision.

After that you can start the Essential work of realizing how much more fulfilling and spirtual a relationship with a man committed to YOU, can be.

A man that makes decisions based on not whats easy, but whats right. A man who decides to live his life with sincerity and honesty.

 

You wont meet anyone who can live up to your idea of your MM ...until you become emotionally available...then you will, and you will look back on this time in your life and say "WTF?" . Really.

[2sure]

Oh come on........you didn't take any action of ending your marriage, your g/f did, not you. She is the one who sent the proof, the nail in the coffin so to speak.

 

I wonder if sometimes when OW ends up with the outcome she thought she wanted...she doesnt say "WTF?"

[IfWishesWereHorses]

 

My post is not about getting a decision. It's about the mixed emotions running through me. The doubts. The aftermath. The confusion. When I asked questions, they are just some of the thoughts that pass through my mind, I'm not actually asking questions in this post. Yes it has a question but that's my stream of though. Nothing more. And I certainly know what addiction is and I certainly know what love is. I do love him and there is no way you'd be a better judge of if it is love or not from a snapshot of looking inside my confused thoughts of the aftermath. Hate, I don't really hate him or anyone for that matter. That is a way of expressing my anger for the back and forth. His confusion which was stringing me and his wife both along. Again, it was me sharing my mixed emotions.

 

The love/hate you are describing are conflicting emotions. The term that describes this is cognitive dissonance. Read a little on it and it may help you to understand it beyond just the emotional aspect. By leaving or going NC, you are attempting to right the embalance within yourself which is the healthiest approach.

[2sure]

Another Disclaimer , I said this :

"After that you can start the Essential work of realizing how much more fulfilling and spirtual a relationship with a man committed to YOU, can be.

A man that makes decisions based on not whats easy, but whats right. A man who decides to live his life with sincerity and honesty. "

 

But in reality , have nothing at all to base it on. Just sayin. Its a Theory.

[sleepie]

I wonder if sometimes when OW ends up with the outcome she thought she wanted...she doesnt say "WTF?"

 

If I had to bet, I'd say that happens more times than not.

[DBella]

Why would you be angry at somebody who lives a double life at this point when you were not at the beginning of the affair? You got yourself into that and you were ok with it, right? Otherwise, you would had put a stop before things escalated. Obviously your MM doesn't want to end his marriage. He would had left her and gone with you but he didn't, right? So best advice would be to forget about your "love", have some self-respect, stop allowing this guy to use you as a side dish and find a single, available man. There are plenty out there, trust me. You just gotta get out and find the one for you and stop being so obsessed with one that has been taken. Waiting on him is just a waste of energy IMO. You are gonna be miserable waiting and waiting and even if he decides to leave her to go with you, tomorrow he can change his mind and try to go back with his W, because in the end, she is his W for a reason, right?

So save yourself from drama and bad karma from life.

[Ladydrib]

Why would you be angry at somebody who lives a double life at this point when you were not at the beginning of the affair? You got yourself into that and you were ok with it, right? Otherwise, you would had put a stop before things escalated. Obviously your MM doesn't want to end his marriage. He would had left her and gone with you but he didn't, right? So best advice would be to forget about your "love", have some self-respect, stop allowing this guy to use you as a side dish and find a single, available man. There are plenty out there, trust me. You just gotta get out and find the one for you and stop being so obsessed with one that has been taken. Waiting on him is just a waste of energy IMO. You are gonna be miserable waiting and waiting and even if he decides to leave her to go with you, tomorrow he can change his mind and try to go back with his W, because in the end, she is his W for a reason, right?

So save yourself from drama and bad karma from life.

 

Well I just can't express how much better I feel being accused of having no self respect. Definitely words of encouragement. I have plenty of self respect. By logic does a woman who forgives her husband for cheating have no self respect also? It's the same thing. Women believing a man's word in the name of love. Just because someone has an affair does not mean they lack self respect. Lacking sound judgement? I'll give you that.

 

Seems like you are here to antagonize, not to help.

[Ladydrib]

The love/hate you are describing are conflicting emotions. The term that describes this is cognitive dissonance. Read a little on it and it may help you to understand it beyond just the emotional aspect. By leaving or going NC, you are attempting to right the embalance within yourself which is the healthiest approach.

 

Absolutely cognitive dissonance. And I've been working very hard to resolve it. I have made a lot of progress. I'm definitely familiar with it and you are totally right. Thank you.

[canuckprincess]

Yea!! I'm not a coward! I went to my girlfirend!

 

 

I don't think your a coward, I just think you didn't want to give up half your stuff lol. I know that's the case with alot of cheaters or your just a cake eater! You know what happens to cake eaters, they get FAT! LMFAO So I guess your GF put you on a cakefree diet when she told your wife. I personally LOVE cake eaters but prefer a really good pie eater. lol :p;)

[Summer Breeze]

Why would you be angry at somebody who lives a double life at this point when you were not at the beginning of the affair? You got yourself into that and you were ok with it, right? Otherwise, you would had put a stop before things escalated. Obviously your MM doesn't want to end his marriage. He would had left her and gone with you but he didn't, right? So best advice would be to forget about your "love", have some self-respect, stop allowing this guy to use you as a side dish and find a single, available man. There are plenty out there, trust me. You just gotta get out and find the one for you and stop being so obsessed with one that has been taken. Waiting on him is just a waste of energy IMO. You are gonna be miserable waiting and waiting and even if he decides to leave her to go with you, tomorrow he can change his mind and try to go back with his W, because in the end, she is his W for a reason, right?

So save yourself from drama and bad karma from life.

 

Your post appears to be intended to do nothing but instigate the responses it received. For that a huge 'good job'. If you cared to read the OP it was from someone who let the WS/MM go. She cut him off and she's full of all sorts of emotions. This is a place for her to share them and to get support, not have snide comments hurled at her. If you have some something constructive to say then say it in a decent manner or you shouldn't bother. You make some good points that could help her in keeping the strength to stay away from him but you say it in such a way that her back is up and any good points are lost in the storm of emotion you chose to create.

 

OP I had an A with someone and I remained till it wasn't enough. Then I ended it. It doesn't just go away and it does hurt. There are moments of great strength because you were able to walk away and moments where you want to sit with a blanket and eat ice cream all day. Keep posting. For every ignorant poster that wants to do nothing but stir things up and use you as a whipping boy for their own OW, there are those of us who have let go and walked away.

[LaCurieuse]

It's been a ride of love and hate. How can you not be angry at someone who continues to live a double life? It's one thing to not be in love with your spouse, stay with hopes of working it out, and then poof! You fall in love with someone else because your heart was vacant. You don't even see it coming and certainly don't look for it (at least this is true in my case) and I believed it to be true of my married man. BUT if that is true, time to really power up working on the marriage or time to end it. No matter what you are faced with a big decision. The anger comes in when someone floats endlessly with indecision, while other peoples lives are being wasted. .

 

Ugggh I am SO with you on this, and at the same place right now. Full of love, then anger about the cowardly indecision. The fatality of it all. "I am sentenced to my life. I must carry this ball and chain until I die."

 

This is where BS and OW can relate, our common ground. We are both torn by the extremes of the emotion we feel for the one we love, or at least have come to depend on.

[Stephanie]

After cleaning up this thread a bit, I feel I should put this out there...

 

There are some who feel that there are certain people who are purposefully derailing threads in this forum to get them closed. That may be true, it may not be, I don't know. I can't speak to the intentions of anyone here.

 

But, I can say this...

 

It takes two to tango so to speak.

 

I've said it before and will say it again, if a post is not within guidelines, report it, don't respond to it. I deleted several posts all in a row that went off on a tangent based on one ill received response.

 

If you report it I can deal with it quickly and efficiently. If you argue and perpetuate the problem, it becomes much larger and puts all of those who respond and defend at risk for the same actions that will be taken against the person who started it.

 

Please keep this in mind when forumulating your responses. Thanks