Friendship? Really?

[Anelisa]

I, like many here, have my story/account of my marriage ending and trying to get over the reality of a new life as a single person. I will have to tell that story another day...

Right now I've been separated for 4 years, in that time I have had counseling and built a whole new outlook on my life. I've come from being a housewife to someone that works part-time and is at University full-time getting my degree so I can move back to Europe and hopefully get a decent well paid job.

Anyway, having said that, I now find myself in the strangest position and the solution seems to be a bit of a no-brainer BUT I still seem to be dragging my heels and putting off what I know I should do.

Let me explain...

I've deliberately, over the last 4 long years of separation, not got myself entangled in a relationship that I would have not been emotionally ready for. I had read up and been advised to discover who I was and love and respect myself first, and deal with past issues from my childhood etc.

I recent came to a place where I knew that I could be in a relationship with something to offer. However, I met someone that I'd spoken to before casually, he expressed an interest in me so I thought I wouldn't discourage it. He had asked me if I was single and I said 'almost' since I should have one more court appearance and needed to just sign off this marriage, literally, and I'd be officially divorced. I thought that since he had asked if I was single that I would find him to be too. Anyway, eventually I give him my number and he calls me last night, we talk for a very long time and I explain where I am dating-wise. He tells me he's living with his 18yr old son, which I think is ok, but then he also mentions that his other young son and his wife live somewhere else. Obviously his older son is not his wife's. I was so disappointed inside because they are not separated or anything like that, he told me that she had been unfaithful more than once and he had not. And that they were really not a couple because of it, he had been intimate with her over 2 months ago.

I still continued to talk to him for a long time after this revelation. And I'm not sure why. I was a victim of the same thing I was doing, my s2bxh had emotional ties and possibly sexual ties throughout our marriage and thought nothing of it.

I did try to tell him that he can work on his marriage and that because he had told me he was attracted to me our 'friendship' (that he insisted it would be... though his words said something completely different) would be harmless.

He's ok, but there are so many warning bells going off in my head, I can't hardly believe that I'm even still mulling this whole thing over in my head.

I don't believe in not only intimacy with someone that is not my husband but I also believe that no matter how difficult a relationship is there's no excuse for infidelity.

I guess I just need to hear what other people's views are... this could never be a friendship could it? Our behavior would be inappropriate, right?

I'm not sure what to tell him and I'm almost tempted to just chat on the phone with him, even though he thinks we could go out together.

I know what I want and this really isn't it. He has so far to come before he could be available or in a solid marriage. I just want to start a friendship with someone I trust and maybe go out together to see a movie or have dinner, the usual stuff, without all the pressure of gf/bf, unless we gradually start to having deeper feelings for each other.

Advice would help, thanks...

[sleepie]

I hate to say this, because I know how hard it can be to hear, but he is feeding you standard MM lines. Don't believe it. Or, at the very least, be extremely skeptical.

 

Take your time. A long time. Don't jump into anything--even a friendship. Time shows all the warts eventually. I hate to write this guy off as a douchebag right out of the gate, but assume he is one. It's safer that way.

[underwater2010]

He is priming you to become the OW. Do not let him. You have so far after your marriage, do you really want to put a kink in your progress?

[veryhappy]

How old are you?

Edited September 19, 2012 by cutedragon

[Anelisa]

he is feeding you standard MM lines

 

I think you're right. That's really the reality of it. We all know how this plays out, I just needed confirmation I guess.

 

He's been trying to call me and txt me while I was at school. I still have to talk to him at some point.

 

He is priming you to become the OW. Do not let him. You have [come] so far after your marriage, do you really want to put a kink in your progress?

 

You're right too. All that work would be wasted on a relationship like this. There has to be something better out there for me, lol. Gotta be patient I think.

 

Thanks Tara.. for your bluntness. I appreciate your honesty.

And in answer to your question CD... old enough to make the right decision ;-)

 

I'll let you know how it goes... x

Edited September 19, 2012 by Anelisa

[underwater2010]

Tell him to start up a friendship with his wife. And then get the f away from you. That is all he needs to hear. Anything else well make him think he still has a chance. Keep your head on straight. There are plenty of great guys out there. Take your time and pick a good one (check their status first).

[scatterd]

I think you are being smart by questioning actions. You will find a good man one day.

[Anelisa]

Well, he called and txtd me a lot today. I finally was able to speak to him tonight. I found that I had to keep reminding him that he has a commitment to his wife and that any relationship that we would have would be inappropriate, it took him quite a while to grasp what I was saying. He's in the early stages of ending his marriage or he has the choice to fight for it and go to counseling. I don't want to be part of any decision he will make in the future. I think he's in denial of what is happening and right now he's choosing not to deal with it. But he'll have to at sum point and wanting to start a new relationship with so much unresolve is irresponsible and dangerous to everyone involved. I suspect that I may have to tell him this again very soon.

[veryhappy]

You are saving yourself a ton of heartache.

 

Don't spend to much time explaining, that will get you in trouble. Just be to the point and then don't answer him anymore. As long as you don't fully stop, he'll take it as having a chance.

[RickFox]

I, like many here, have my story/account of my marriage ending and trying to get over the reality of a new life as a single person. I will have to tell that story another day...

Right now I've been separated for 4 years, in that time I have had counseling and built a whole new outlook on my life. I've come from being a housewife to someone that works part-time and is at University full-time getting my degree so I can move back to Europe and hopefully get a decent well paid job.

Anyway, having said that, I now find myself in the strangest position and the solution seems to be a bit of a no-brainer BUT I still seem to be dragging my heels and putting off what I know I should do.

Let me explain...

I've deliberately, over the last 4 long years of separation, not got myself entangled in a relationship that I would have not been emotionally ready for. I had read up and been advised to discover who I was and love and respect myself first, and deal with past issues from my childhood etc.

I recent came to a place where I knew that I could be in a relationship with something to offer. However, I met someone that I'd spoken to before casually, he expressed an interest in me so I thought I wouldn't discourage it. He had asked me if I was single and I said 'almost' since I should have one more court appearance and needed to just sign off this marriage, literally, and I'd be officially divorced. I thought that since he had asked if I was single that I would find him to be too. Anyway, eventually I give him my number and he calls me last night, we talk for a very long time and I explain where I am dating-wise. He tells me he's living with his 18yr old son, which I think is ok, but then he also mentions that his other young son and his wife live somewhere else. Obviously his older son is not his wife's. I was so disappointed inside because they are not separated or anything like that, he told me that she had been unfaithful more than once and he had not. And that they were really not a couple because of it, he had been intimate with her over 2 months ago.

I still continued to talk to him for a long time after this revelation. And I'm not sure why. I was a victim of the same thing I was doing, my s2bxh had emotional ties and possibly sexual ties throughout our marriage and thought nothing of it.

I did try to tell him that he can work on his marriage and that because he had told me he was attracted to me our 'friendship' (that he insisted it would be... though his words said something completely different) would be harmless.

He's ok, but there are so many warning bells going off in my head, I can't hardly believe that I'm even still mulling this whole thing over in my head.

I don't believe in not only intimacy with someone that is not my husband but I also believe that no matter how difficult a relationship is there's no excuse for infidelity.

I guess I just need to hear what other people's views are... this could never be a friendship could it? Our behavior would be inappropriate, right?

I'm not sure what to tell him and I'm almost tempted to just chat on the phone with him, even though he thinks we could go out together.

I know what I want and this really isn't it. He has so far to come before he could be available or in a solid marriage. I just want to start a friendship with someone I trust and maybe go out together to see a movie or have dinner, the usual stuff, without all the pressure of gf/bf, unless we gradually start to having deeper feelings for each other.

Advice would help, thanks...

 

Read the part I bolded.

 

You want to have some type of friendship with someone you trust. So riddle me this, how can you trust a man who is willing to cheat on his wife and/or do or say anything he can to get you in the sack? Is that someone you can trust at all? You already know the answer, it's up to you on whether you get rid of him or get used by him.

[Anelisa]

I hear what everyone is saying, and I agree totally.

I was thinking today of who I am and why this doesn't seem to be playing out as clear cut as it should.

To be honest with you all I think I'm flattered by the attention and his feelings toward me. I know that sounds silly but I've been without that for so long that I find it hard to turn away from it.

RickFox... you make a valid point there, I hope he sees that when I put that to him. I tried to explain to him that if things work out for him and his wife then he'll have no guilt over anything he's done.. with anyone. And if it doesn't work out then at least he will have a clean foundation to his next relationship without it being tainted by him cheating... even though she cheated on him.

CD, it's hard to be so dismissive, really hard.

 

I don't think it's all about sex though, maybe some, but not all. I think he sees me as someone that can take his mind off his problems.

He wanted to see me this weekend but I won't go, I don't trust him to not try to come on to me. I've told him that even if he were single I wouldn't sleep with him because that's not something I do.

 

Last night we tried just talking like friends do, you know just talking about our lives, pets, aspirations, it was nice, but every now and then he'd say something inappropriate that I'd have to point out to him as being that.

 

Maybe I'm being naive in thinking that I can control his feelings toward me and maybe keep this within a 'would you say that to your bro/sis? if not don't say it' boundary. I can do it with ease but could he? He says that he could try but his feelings would still be there.

HE JUST NEEDS TO GO FIGURE STUFF OUT WITH HIS WIFE, IF SHE'S SORRY THEN HE HAS TO TRY TO SORT THINGS OUT AND MAKE SOME DECISIONS. It's really that simple isn't it?

[whichwayisup]

You two cannot be just friends because the lines and boundries have been crossed.

 

It won't work.

 

If you want to go see a movie, make a plan to call a woman friend and go with her. This guy or any other married guy isn't someone you can just be pals with..that is, unless you're in his daily life and his wife knows you and is totally OK with the friendship and she's included it as well.

 

This friendship is unhealthy for you, bad for his marriage and I'm sure his wife would NOT approve of you and the friendship either.

 

Why is it so important for you to hang onto him? there are thousands of nice single guys who are also just looking for friendship, a buddy to hang out with..

 

Walk away.

[Anelisa]

Thanks, WWIU, I'm done!

And he hasn't called since our last convo, so I think he got the msg.

Guess I'll be patient and wait for someone that's unattached. Stupid of me for not asking at the beginning. You live and learn I guess, but no harm done thank goodness.

[Anelisa]

Final update on this, I took some time to stand back and review the situation, then I had a 'what was I thinking' moment. I've learned a lot from this. I was surprised, in retrospect, as to why I even debated this. Thank goodness I didn't do anything stupid, thanks everyone for your concern and advise.