Hootiehoo Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Ok, I'm going to keep this as to the point as possible, even though I could write pages and pages worth of this issue.... I've been with my bf for 6yrs, we have 2 kids together (ages 2 & 5), and at the 4 1/2 yr mark we ended up having a really messy, dramatic breakup. We were separated for 1 yr, then as of last spring we decided to reconcile and try to make our family work. All is great since then, however, I have absolutely no sexual attraction to him. Never have since day one. I was only 19 when we started dating, and literally had no idea what I wanted or needed in a man, so that explains why I got with him even though we had no sexual chemistry. I had a really bad childhood and as a young adult it felt like he was the light at the end of my tunnel, the one person in this world who accepted me for who I truly was and was a positive influence on me. But things got bad, and when we broke up I ended up dating 2 other guys and had AMAZING sex with both of them. Finally I felt like I understood what that felt like, it was straight out of the movies..... Anyways, those relationships didn't work out, but now that I've been committed to my bf again, I REALLY miss that sexual attraction. It feels like I'm sleeping with my friend/roommate. There's no passion, and I'm a very passionate person, I just don't feel it with him. He's an attractive guy, but I'm not attracted TO him. So my question is, do I marry my best friend (he truly is my bestie) and put aside these urges .... or re-evaluate everything and just be co-parents, so that I can find someone who I am IN love with. What would you do? I'm trying to be self-less, but I have needs too ........ And really, it's not fair to him either to be with someone that doesn't desire him like they should.
CarrieT Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Nope, nope, nope.... You are going to want and crave the WHOLE PACKAGE and by attaching yourself with whom you have no sexual attraction, you are essentially dooming the marriage before it begins. Raise your children as best you can, but do not settle for anything less than 100% in a marriage.
kae Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 he`s the father of you children. he`s your bestie. That`s a good deal. Passion is not love.. It`s desire unleashed. You only desire things that seem distant.. do you see my logic?? I think you should stay with you man .. bad guys play apon passion. they are experts.. u`ll find them more than a good guy who listens and supports and helps. What you need is more respect and appreciation for the father of your children .. maybe if you cultivate that u`ll create desire.. Good luck.. and dont forget you are lucky!!
Author Hootiehoo Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Thanks for your input ... and it makes sense 100%, but is there even such thing as the whole package? And should I tell him that I have no sexual feelings for him? I have never mentioned it, always have felt terrible about it like I'm going to crush him.
CarrieT Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Thanks for your input ... and it makes sense 100%, but is there even such thing as the whole package? How old are you? Yes, there is the whole package. But it takes time to find it. T And should I tell him that I have no sexual feelings for him? I have never mentioned it, always have felt terrible about it like I'm going to crush him. Doesn't he realize you are not sexually fulfilled when you are together - or are you faking it so he thinks everything is fine? You should be honest with him, yes.
Author Hootiehoo Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 he`s the father of you children. he`s your bestie. That`s a good deal. Passion is not love.. It`s desire unleashed. You only desire things that seem distant.. do you see my logic?? I think you should stay with you man .. bad guys play apon passion. they are experts.. u`ll find them more than a good guy who listens and supports and helps. What you need is more respect and appreciation for the father of your children .. maybe if you cultivate that u`ll create desire.. Good luck.. and dont forget you are lucky!! Agreed ... but how am i supposed to have respect and appreciation for someone who is borderline addicted to porn (even when we have sex daily) , constantly googles names of random models and pornstars, saves pics on his phone of these random girls, had a 3-some with his bestfriend and a married woman (during our breakup) ... and then when we do have sex, he doesn't show any emotion, it's just like straight up porn ... really rough, aggressive, cold and distant. In every sexual aspect, he is just NOT my type. Also, while we were broken up, he never once paid child support or offered to help in any way because he was "too emotionally ruined" to see me or have anything to do with me. He moved back in with his parents during that time, had no bills, bought himself a REALLY nice and expensive motorcycle (but at christmas didn't put presents under the tree for our kids), lived on unemployment for much longer than he needed to, and never took his kids for the weekend. Sorry, had to get that off my chest ... and of course i knew all of this going back into the relationship, but the fact that when we are together we talk for hours and have so much in common and these beautiful kids together, i felt it would be best to try again. However, the lack of intimacy for me is just making it all very complicated.
carhill Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Why didn't the relationships with the men who you had amazing sex with work out? There are two other lives in the mix here, those of your children, so your decisions necessarily impact them. How involved is their father in their lives? How did it go while you were split up and dating those other men? Have you ever had counseling to process out your bad childhood? If so, how did that go? If not, would you be willing to consider it? At 25, you're at a crossroads. Consider your next decisions carefully. Good luck.
Author Hootiehoo Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 With the one guy it didn't work out because he was basically a rebound and the sex was so amazing because i had all these built up frustrations for so long that i just needed to get it out of my system. but the more we got to know eachother, we didn't have much to talk about. the 2nd guy didn't work out because he was a few years younger than me, and although he was extremely good with my kids (and they loved him), he was just a little too immature for me. he needed to get his life together more, and i found out that he was doing drugs behind my back. At this point, my children's father is extremely involved in their lives and when he wasn't around it did impact my 5yr old, he had a hard time adjusting and missed him alot. my daughter was only 6mo when we split up so she was indifferent and to this day she isn't very fond of him or anywhere near a "daddy's girl". i have to give him credit for the fact that when we are together, he is a very good dad/husband/family man. He barely makes any money but is very smart and finally trying to get ahead in life. I've stood by his side through alot so that's another reason it'd be hard to let go. I have had a small amount of counseling and have done alot of soul searching, at this point i feel like i'm over my childhood abuse and a much stronger person because of it. i don't think that affects me or our relationship anymore, but it was the initial thing that drew me to him because he was my way out at that time. it's just scary to think that is this what my sex life comes down to? for the rest of my life? ... and i definitely can't deny the fact that i get urges to sleep with other men that I know because there's that attraction there that i don't have with my bf. i would never cheat, but it's a sick feeling to even want to!
carhill Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Is your BF aware that you have no sexual attraction for him and haven't, ever? Are you willing to negotiate a custody and support arrangement which is equitable and fair? During the period you and your BF were broken up, how much of that time was spent alone recovering from the breakup? Would you be willing to spend a year alone to process the changes if you were to end this relationship and arrange a co-parenting agreement with your BF? The reason I'm mentioning this is the reality that you have now been involved with three incompatible men, most recently your BF the second time around. Alone time helps process the lessons learned from those experiences; in addition, it allows focus on the children, whom are in a very formative period, one where stability and consistency is critical. I can say, having dated a fair amount of single mothers in my 20's-30's, that such relationships were much more complex than dating single, childless women. Some men will prefer an easier path so that can be limiting. One more reason to process all the lessons and be clear about what you want and what you bring to the relationships you pursue. At this point, based on what has been offered, I'd put a custody and support agreement in place and move on.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Agreed ... but how am i supposed to have respect and appreciation for someone who is borderline addicted to porn (even when we have sex daily) , constantly googles names of random models and pornstars, saves pics on his phone of these random girls, had a 3-some with his bestfriend and a married woman (during our breakup) ... and then when we do have sex, he doesn't show any emotion, it's just like straight up porn ... really rough, aggressive, cold and distant. In every sexual aspect, he is just NOT my type. Also, while we were broken up, he never once paid child support or offered to help in any way because he was "too emotionally ruined" to see me or have anything to do with me. He moved back in with his parents during that time, had no bills, bought himself a REALLY nice and expensive motorcycle (but at christmas didn't put presents under the tree for our kids), lived on unemployment for much longer than he needed to, and never took his kids for the weekend. Well, all of that - especially the lack of respect and admiration - not only nixes the idea of you two marrying, it makes me seriously doubt this great "friendship" you claim to have. Don't true friends have mutual respect and admiration? 1
Author Hootiehoo Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Well, all of that - especially the lack of respect and admiration - not only nixes the idea of you two marrying, it makes me seriously doubt this great "friendship" you claim to have. Don't true friends have mutual respect and admiration? Its lacking romantically. On a platonic level i do have repect and admiration for him. We have the same views on the world and religiously, same hobbies and interests, same long term goals regarding careers and raising our children, both entreprenuers and dreamers...but then theres that whole sex/romance bag of issues.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I do hope you'll address what you've been thinking about these past 6 years, and through the births and early childhoods of your two kids. Haven't you been building a life with this man? Did you notice along the way that you have no sexual interest with him? Why carry on? And why suddenly now think about marriage, after all this time and life - building, and kids?
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 On a platonic level i do have repect and admiration for him. Well, all the unsavory stuff you posted about him which I quoted does NOT reflect your respect and admiration - and anyway, in that quote you say outright that "it's hard" to have respect and admiration for him. Respect and admiration are not romantic or platonic.
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