Cheated on by a Sex Addict

[WesternWoman]

I am having such a hard time finding anyone to talk to about being cheated on and hope that this forum is a good site for advice and dialogue. Thank you in advance for reading.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me in June. This was probably the best relationship I had ever been in, I had met his entire family, we had been traveling together, open communication about everything, mutually courteous and caring, etc. He had inititated any major steps in the relationship and I had finally dropped my remaining guard and opened up to him. I was more authentic and real with him than in any other relationship.

 

Two months before breakup he suddenly begun pulling out of intimacy (I am a healthy and beautiful woman, and a part time model, who is passionate and energetic in connecting physically. I say this not to be egotistical, rather that I was in shock that suddenly he didn't want to touch me anymore.) He wanted to stay home more, wasn't taking care of himself (working out or eating), increasingly critical of me and anything that I did, no longer his positive or friendly self. He started to say things like "I don't know why you think I am this great guy" and "I just don't deserve to be cared about the way you care about me". I was so confused and started working out more, trying to be a better girlfriend, etc (all codependence, I see that now, but I was trying to give the relationship my best shot)

 

When he broke up with me I was kind of in shock, it came out of nowhere and there was no event for it to happen. I left town for a conference for a few days and when he picked me up from the airport he sat me down and broke up with me. He spent the rest of summer telling me how I am the most amazing woman he has ever met, and that he is just too screwed up and needs to work on himself. I was even trying to be a friend or find balance even though I was hurting from the breakup and grieving.

 

I felt like I was going crazy and imagining things and that I was somehow missing something throughout the breakup. During the relationship I kept dreaming that I was being cheated on but thought I was just being weird as nothing that he said or did would show that to be true. He had gone through a divorce about a year prior to meeting me and had mentioned being kind of wild before getting married but nothing prepared me for being cheated on, it had never happened to me before.

 

Last week I found out the truth. My city is a little too small not to eventually. Turns out that back in April he began posting sex ads on adultfriendfinder and in the casuals section of craigslist. Ads with pics of him holding his penis, and highly explicit write ups for what he was looking for, etc. He clearly has an addiction and had been meeting with singles, marrieds, couples, groups, etc for almost two months before (hopefully his conscience caught up with him) and he broke up with me.

 

I have followed online advice of no contact and have gathered and given away everything he ever gave me, worked to remove any contact with him through social circles and networks etc. He doesn't know I know yet and I don't know how or if I should approach it. I am scheduling a doctor's appointment to be tested for STDs as he has put me at risk (we were both tested and clean before sleeping together).

 

The scariest thing is that I can't seem to really respond emotionally to this. I can't even sit down and have a good cry, or get really angry or express anything fully and it's so frustrating. I'm half afraid I'm just going to suddenly fall apart at some weird moment and be unprepared.

[KathyM]

You're probably still in shock right now and not able to process it all. Unfortunately sex addiction is a real and devastating thing, and is a compulsion that people find very hard to break. It's like a drug in that the behavior releases certain brain chemicals that can be addictive. You're boyfriend is probably feeling very sad for having lost you over this and very helpless to fight the addiction. Hopefully, he will get some psychological counseling to fight this, but in any case, this is his problem to deal with. Fortunately, you are not married to him and can walk away from it. He is in a very unhealthy place right now, and you would be wise to distance yourself from this and not try to rescue him from it. It is his demon to wrestle with. It's good that he cut you loose, rather than trying to string you along while engaging in this behind your back.

[kae]

Im sorry you had to endure that. I know sexual addiction a bit and it has little to do with sex as much as it has to do with risk. I feel that its more of an addiction to adrenalin that is the root of sexual addiction. seduction and corruption branches from deviant urges. have you ever wathced dr. Jacyl and Mr. Hyde?? the black and white version.. the best! This movie describes a man`s experience.. a man who lacks self control and morals.

 

I like that you kept your findings to yourself.. that is very wise. You ex will most likely only deny his behaviour furthure confusioning you and questioning yourself. Don`t bother telling him you know..

 

About your emotions i think maybe you kind of already knew ..with the dreams and what not.. so it`s mostly a really low downer feeling.

 

I also had the exact experience as you. he was the best we were the best we lived together.. he changed.. he ****ed my best freinds(2) and my neighbour...and the lady at Mcdonalds that we ate in frequently.. He would have ****ed my sister... im still not sure. But what these kind of guys do is wake us up to how serious morals and respect are in a relationship.

How to be vigilant and pay attention to our inner voice. I again sorry for your loss.. I believe he could have loved you in all honesty .. my ex did love me... But they love themselves and their ego more.

 

I moved to another province as a solution it help me heal faster and forgive from a safe( for THEM.lol) distance..hehe SEE im laughing..with no evil or pain ..yay

 

Maybe move.. its hard to get away from the past in the same spot. ur not running away you are on an adventure!! take one. its fun.

 

Good luck hope your ok

[NoMoreJerks]

I am having such a hard time finding anyone to talk to about being cheated on and hope that this forum is a good site for advice and dialogue. Thank you in advance for reading.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me in June. This was probably the best relationship I had ever been in, I had met his entire family, we had been traveling together, open communication about everything, mutually courteous and caring, etc. He had inititated any major steps in the relationship and I had finally dropped my remaining guard and opened up to him. I was more authentic and real with him than in any other relationship.

 

Two months before breakup he suddenly begun pulling out of intimacy (I am a healthy and beautiful woman, and a part time model, who is passionate and energetic in connecting physically. I say this not to be egotistical, rather that I was in shock that suddenly he didn't want to touch me anymore.) He wanted to stay home more, wasn't taking care of himself (working out or eating), increasingly critical of me and anything that I did, no longer his positive or friendly self. He started to say things like "I don't know why you think I am this great guy" and "I just don't deserve to be cared about the way you care about me". I was so confused and started working out more, trying to be a better girlfriend, etc (all codependence, I see that now, but I was trying to give the relationship my best shot).

 

When he broke up with me I was kind of in shock, it came out of nowhere and there was no event for it to happen. I left town for a conference for a few days and when he picked me up from the airport he sat me down and broke up with me. He spent the rest of summer telling me how I am the most amazing woman he has ever met, and that he is just too screwed up and needs to work on himself. I was even trying to be a friend or find balance even though I was hurting from the breakup and grieving.

 

I felt like I was going crazy and imagining things and that I was somehow missing something throughout the breakup. During the relationship I kept dreaming that I was being cheated on but thought I was just being weird as nothing that he said or did would show that to be true. He had gone through a divorce about a year prior to meeting me and had mentioned being kind of wild before getting married but nothing prepared me for being cheated on, it had never happened to me before.

 

Last week I found out the truth. My city is a little too small not to eventually. Turns out that back in April he began posting sex ads on adultfriendfinder and in the casuals section of craigslist. Ads with pics of him holding his penis, and highly explicit write ups for what he was looking for, etc. He clearly has an addiction and had been meeting with singles, marrieds, couples, groups, etc for almost two months before (hopefully his conscience caught up with him) and he broke up with me.

 

I have followed online advice of no contact and have gathered and given away everything he ever gave me, worked to remove any contact with him through social circles and networks etc. He doesn't know I know yet and I don't know how or if I should approach it. I am scheduling a doctor's appointment to be tested for STDs as he has put me at risk (we were both tested and clean before sleeping together).

 

The scariest thing is that I can't seem to really respond emotionally to this. I can't even sit down and have a good cry, or get really angry or express anything fully and it's so frustrating. I'm half afraid I'm just going to suddenly fall apart at some weird moment and be unprepared.

*hugs* Hang in there. I know it's tough. I've kinda been there. Except that, in my case, the signs were there and I refused to see them. I was so blinded by my love for him that I ignored all the red flags of his sex addiction and his narcissistic personality disorder. To me, it sounds like your ex had narcissistic personality disorder, which is a medically recognized disorder (unlike sex addiction). A lot of people say that there is no such thing as sex addiction -- that it's just about someone's personality. In the case of narcissists, sexual promiscuity is a big part of who they are, as is the inability to feel intimacy.

 

My ex was very intimate with me the first month we were together. He was, in every way, the perfect bf. Gradually, though, our entire relationship became all about sex. All his texts were about sex -- he sent loads of texts from work and kept telling me he couldn't focus on work because he was so horny and couldn't stop looking at porn. He even sent me lesbian porn while at work. He also demanded that I arrange a threesome with a female friend (or a stranger woman). He kept bringing it up every day. In fact, every time I mssged him about anything unrelated to sex, he would find a way to somehow, miraculously, link it to threesomes.... It was pretty scary to see how he actually managed to link a perfectly non-sexual mssg to a threesome. I was so blinded that he even pressured me into going to a lesbian bar to pick up a woman and bring her to his place, so he would watch us having sex together. He insisted he wasn't interested in having sex with her at all (or , at the most, he wanted us both to give him a blowjob, but no actual intercourse with her). I was willing to go down that road, because I was worried that he'd break up with me otherwise. And he kept telling me that he *had* to do the threesome. He just had to, and he preferred to do it with me rather than with 2 strangers/prostitutes. But he said that if we didn't do it, the next time he went to Thailand, he'd do it with 2 hookers.

 

A week ago, I woke up from the spell he had cast on me (my co-dependence), told him that all he texts me about is sex, that I feel uncomfortable about the route our relationship is taking, etc. I put my foot down and he backed down and said he won't talk about the threesome again, and he stopped sending me porn or talking about sex. A few days after that talk, he started giving me the quiet treatment, didn't pick up my call, etc. And after a few days, he broke up with me. A day before he went to Thailand for a "vacation", mind you. He goes to Thailand 3-4 times a year. He claims he's never done anything sexual there, but I was stupid enough to believe him. I don't believe his claim about that anymore. I am sure he had done things. No one goes to Thailand 3-4 times a year and does nothing there. We broke up 5 days ago, and I knew it was coming. Still, it was so traumatic/shocking. But I was expecting it, and 3 days before the break-up (by text mssg), I got tested for HPV/STD. I'm still waiting for the results, but hopefully I'm clean. You can't imagine how livid I am. At myself, for the most part. But the important thing right now is not to blame yourself. You couldn't have known/foreseen it. Even *I* should not blame myself, because love makes us go blind and do crazy things. I just take this as an experience to learn from. Just be glad you didn't get STD's.

 

I realize, now, having read a lot about narcissistic personality disorder, that my ex was most likely a narcissist, and he was getting a "rush" out of making me do sexually promiscuous stuff I would otherwise not have done. In your case, be glad that he wasn't manipulating *you* into doing it. You got off fairly easy, not having to experience the trauma of realizing that you had become a totally different person because of the "spell" he had cast upon you. I really can't live with myself right now, knowing the things I did and the things I was willing to do, in order for him to keep me as his gf. I was an abuse victim and all my friends kept telling me I was acting like one, but I wasn't willing to listen to their warnings.

 

Also note that my ex had very low self-esteem and seemed to have used me to boost his ego/self-esteem. In his last mssg to me, which I did not reply to, he said that I deserved better. Clearly, he felt guilty/not good enough. The fact that I begged him not to break up with me, and when he succumbed to my begging, *I* dumped him, popped his self-esteem, I think.

 

He is in Thailand right now, and probably sleeping with whores. Surprisingly, it does not bother me at all. It only reaffirms that *he* was the bad person and the one who ruined an otherwise good relationship. I did my best to make this work, and I can no longer blame myself for it, seeing the ****ed up person that he is. I am better off without him. Sure, I miss him, I love him, and not a day goes by that I don't wish things could've been different and don't wonder whether things would've been different if I had done something differently.. but after a certain point in the relationship, there was really nothing I could do. He valued the enactment of his fantasies more than he valued being with me.

 

I think my ex has huge issues. He struggled to feel intimate with me. Still, he was making some effort, but it was mostly at a very shallow/childish level. I got him 2 dress shirts for his birthday, and every time he hurt me by telling me he didn't want to see me because we had a small argument, the next day he would ask me over and he'd be wearing the shirt I had gotten him. And he once tore the shirt he was wearing, and was worried that it was one of the shirts I had gotten for him. Clearly, he felt attached to me, but it wasn't enough to let him drop his fantasies/addiction.

Edited September 19, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[WesternWoman]

For NOMOREJERKS:

 

Big hugs to you as you pick up the pieces and move on from this painful episode. I am so proud of you for finally stepping out of this damaging situation. We as women so often continue to reach and pass our boundaries for what we are willing to do to stay in a relationship.

 

I highly recommend the book "Codependent No More"... there is a companion daily reader too. It has been a highly effective book for me to read to keep me in balance with myself and not react in a way that is damaging to myself in relationships. I am always working on this aspect.

 

He will have a lot to deal with on his end, and he won't do it while in a relationship. You can begin with forgiving yourself and beginning to work through some of the shame, hurt and feelings of betrayal. You have goals and a life of your own to develop and you don't deserve someone who would treat you as this man has.

 

I hope that your recovery leaves you feeling full of support and confidence moving forward. Keep loving yourself!

[CarrieT]

WesternWoman, I know how hard this is for you right now. The most important thing to realize is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

He was right in saying how great you are and being a part-time model, there is not a problem with him not finding you attractive enough.

 

As a sex addict, he is having huge problems and breaking up with you is probably the kindest thing he could have done. Imagine if it had gone into a marriage and he tried to keep it a secret and you found out after you were married?

 

His healing and moving forward has nothing to do with his conscious. It is just like any other addiction - alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes - HE has to realize how wrong it is for him to want to be cured. But he may never do that and might continue in his destructive ways.