Silly_Girl Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Any man I've been involved with says he doesn't mind if the woman earns more. My boyfriend earns a decent wage in the civil service, but I now earn approx.3 times his salary. I don't want a sole account, we're opening a joint account at the weekend, I have no problem putting 100% of my wage in to the pot. But, regardless, do other people (man or woman), in this day and age, have a genuine issue if their partner's earning significantly outweighs their own? If the answer is a Yes, I'd love to understand the reasons why. TIA.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 I would, because the vast majority of women are utterly incapable of respecting a man that earns less than they do. If you want to force a divorce as a male very few things are as effective as becoming a househusband. I want a househusband about as much as I want to be a housewife! I don't see the earnings:respect ratio. My dad provided for us as best he could all through our childhood and offered us practically NOTHING in terms of being a father. I rate many things (ambition and conscientiousness and effort) but I don't really rate salary.
IcedEarth Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 My girlfriend made more than me until recently when I got a raise and jumped ahead. I don't care who makes more, but I don't like when she pays for more things that we need because I'm relatively broke. Makes you feel ****ty that someone else has to do it.
todreaminblue Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Any man I've been involved with says he doesn't mind if the woman earns more. My boyfriend earns a decent wage in the civil service, but I now earn approx.3 times his salary. I don't want a sole account, we're opening a joint account at the weekend, I have no problem putting 100% of my wage in to the pot. But, regardless, do other people (man or woman), in this day and age, have a genuine issue if their partner's earning significantly outweighs their own? If the answer is a Yes, I'd love to understand the reasons why. TIA. I think men find it harder than women to accept a higher earning wage from their partner.My ex didn't want want me to work at all I could have gotten a higher wage.All i need is training, study and a vocational direction and it is possible for me to earn a good wage.I have a broad spectrum of interests which is actually a problem....I need structure to succeed in employment one reason why i went military, I have thought about joining the police force(a police officer suggested it to me that i should try out for legal defense as they need representation there are jobs going) or a pro bono solicitor i have a moral dilemma with the last one though......i wouldn't care if my partner earned little money just as long as he was happy in his job a partnership is shared in all aspects and i dont like to make love to money or a man who has money in his wallet....would much rather make love to that man than his wallet....makes no difference to me.........deb
BellaMarieOC Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I have a guess as to what my live-in boyfriend makes, and he knows what I make (because I recently went to my boss to ask for a raise and we talked about it). I could care less if he makes more than me, and it seems he could care less what I make. We pay our bills and save, that's all that matters. What concerns me GREATLY about your post is that you are opening a joint account with your BOYFRIEND. Why in the world would you think this was a good idea? I really don't think it's smart to do that unless you are married to your significant other.
Got it Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I make more now than my fiancee. I do think it is harder for men because it is the easier/est thing to be able to "give" to the relationship. When money isn't on the table, they need to look at other means to fulfill the needs of the relationship. I am completely fine with the monetary difference and my guy seems to be as well. A lot of his money is tied up with his kids and his ex wife which are very understandable and legitimate reasons. He give me everything I need in the relationship that really matters to me, emotional support, energy, love, and compassion and great sex. I am good.
MissBee Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 (edited) I don't have an issue with my partner's income outweighing my own. If mine outweighs his, that doesn't bother me either, so long as it's not a case where I have to support him or I feel like I make sooo much more and have such a different lifestyle that he can't keep up with. As you mentioned joint accounts, I know that for me that is an area that I'm going to need to do a LOT o compromising in when I marry. My immediate response is, why do we need a joint account? Can't we just divvy up costs and you keep your money and I keep mine separately??? And for me it alarms me when people who are in dating relationships, who don' even live together, get joint accounts, I'm like for what reason?? Does it make you feel closer lol, I dunno but I'll keep separate accounts because I don't see any special benefits in a joint one. I imagine when I'm in a marriage, then I'd do a joint account where we pool money for necessities to run our house and savings, where we decide on how much to put in etc, but for all other spending, I want my own account where I do what I will with it. I already know that for me finances will be an area that I will probably need significant counseling on how to proceed with it as a couple. I'm fine in a dating relationship where you spend money on me and I you and all that but I think I become more anxious when I start thinking of joint finances. Hence, unlike some women, when a prenup is mentioned, I'm like sure tell me where to sign, I don' find it "unromantic" or anything, it makes sense to me and I have no issues with us leaving with what we came with should we separate. Edited September 19, 2012 by MissBee
veryhappy Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I looked if you are going to get married, and didn't find anything. Do not combine your money with his. Decide on a monthly common budget, and pay proportionally with your earnings.Keep the rest in individual accounts.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 What concerns me GREATLY about your post is that you are opening a joint account with your BOYFRIEND. Why in the world would you think this was a good idea? I really don't think it's smart to do that unless you are married to your significant other. It's a savings account for an engagement ring, and as of November we're going to live together and put the money saved in a joint account for house deposit. We're getting a pre-nup also, although the final numbers won't be known until I sell my house. Once we're living together I have no issue with having 100% joint finances. Despite being burned before I would prefer it that way.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 My girlfriend made more than me until recently when I got a raise and jumped ahead. I don't care who makes more, but I don't like when she pays for more things that we need because I'm relatively broke. Makes you feel ****ty that someone else has to do it. ...But if she was the broke one, would YOU do the paying? And would you want her to feel shi.tty about it?
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I think men find it harder than women to accept a higher earning wage from their partner.My ex didn't want want me to work at all I could have gotten a higher wage.All i need is training, study and a vocational direction and it is possible for me to earn a good wage.I have a broad spectrum of interests which is actually a problem....I need structure to succeed in employment one reason why i went military, I have thought about joining the police force(a police officer suggested it to me that i should try out for legal defense as they need representation there are jobs going) or a pro bono solicitor i have a moral dilemma with the last one though......i wouldn't care if my partner earned little money just as long as he was happy in his job a partnership is shared in all aspects and i dont like to make love to money or a man who has money in his wallet....would much rather make love to that man than his wallet....makes no difference to me.........deb Interesting. I often hear it told that men are perhaps uncomfortable with it - but then I never hear that from the men so I'm not so sure. I personally would not be able to accept limiting my career options to suit my partner, but I realise couples vary wildly on this.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I make more now than my fiancee. I do think it is harder for men because it is the easier/est thing to be able to "give" to the relationship. When money isn't on the table, they need to look at other means to fulfill the needs of the relationship. Funny you say that... When I was single and contemplating whether I would like to be in a relationship I thought long and hard about the qualities and traits I needed. Then there were 'nice-to-have's. My boyfriend had absolutely everything I was looking for, and being wealthy was the only nice-to-have he didn't have. And it was my least important. I've never been with anyone who earns more than me anyway. I am completely fine with the monetary difference and my guy seems to be as well. A lot of his money is tied up with his kids and his ex wife which are very understandable and legitimate reasons. He give me everything I need in the relationship that really matters to me, emotional support, energy, love, and compassion and great sex. I am good. Not too shabby!
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I don't have an issue with my partner's income outweighing my own. If mine outweighs his, that doesn't bother me either, so long as it's not a case where I have to support him or I feel like I make sooo much more and have such a different lifestyle that he can't keep up with. As you mentioned joint accounts, I know that for me that is an area that I'm going to need to do a LOT o compromising in when I marry. My immediate response is, why do we need a joint account? Can't we just divvy up costs and you keep your money and I keep mine separately??? And for me it alarms me when people who are in dating relationships, who don' even live together, get joint accounts, I'm like for what reason?? Does it make you feel closer lol, I dunno but I'll keep separate accounts because I don't see any special benefits in a joint one. I imagine when I'm in a marriage, then I'd do a joint account where we pool money for necessities to run our house and savings, where we decide on how much to put in etc, but for all other spending, I want my own account where I do what I will with it. I already know that for me finances will be an area that I will probably need significant counseling on how to proceed with it as a couple. I'm fine in a dating relationship where you spend money on me and I you and all that but I think I become more anxious when I start thinking of joint finances. Hence, unlike some women, when a prenup is mentioned, I'm like sure tell me where to sign, I don' find it "unromantic" or anything, it makes sense to me and I have no issues with us leaving with what we came with should we separate. My exboyfriend had always kept his monies totally separate in his previous relationship and it was something I knew we would struggle with if we progressed to co-habiting. To me, rightly or wrongly, it's a part of being in a relationship. I can have that attitude though, because I earn more. If I didn't I think I would be uncomfortable as I would feel permanently like I was being 'subbed' for stuff, ironically. I have no issues with us leaving with what we came with should we separate. To me, that is the most pertinent part of all
2sunny Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Soyou are expected to pay for part of your ring? And what happens if you find him spending a ton of money from the joint account? Have you set up guidelines which show respect and accountability on how much either person should/could spend without consulting the other person?
carhill Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Do other people (man or woman), in this day and age, have a genuine issue if their partner's earning significantly outweighs their own? Never have, but I guess, reading LS over the past four years, any thought process which went into it was superfluous, as women generally, especially in my demographic, don't marry men who earn less than they do, so my feelings about such matters would likely never be tested. FWIW, the strains in our M began when I started caregiving and my earnings lessened, dropping below those of my exW. I was fine with it, adjusting lifestyle, but she wasn't, hence a miss. I won't have that issue again The way I look at it is that each partner contributes to the relationship/marital 'pot'. Some of that is earned income; some is passive income; some is asset appreciation; some is barter; some is expense mitigation. The key is the partners/spouses must recognize the value of the various contributions to the pot and feel the mix is equitable and positive and synergistic. Good luck. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Soyou are expected to pay for part of your ring? And what happens if you find him spending a ton of money from the joint account? Have you set up guidelines which show respect and accountability on how much either person should/could spend without consulting the other person? I'll probable pay for my ring in its entirety as it goes. I want an expensive ring, he's in his overdraft, not sure why he should pay for it... HOWEVER it's deemed, between us, to be a cost of the wedding (not sure I agree currently) and when we get our pre-nup finalised, 50% of the wedding budget gets added back to my figure so although I'm the one with cash in the bank, if we WERE to split he'd have contributed 50%. And yes, we've talked about budgeting, what we want to save, who is responsible for each spending area. Which item we are each likely to overspend on. We have a very, very similar attitude to spending, both in terms of weekly/monthly budget, house purchase, wedding cost etc. We haven't set a limit on authorising a single spend, as it were, but we've discussed the types of items we'd naturally expect to decide on together, like furnishings, stereo, higher end sports gear, school trips, etc. We have some serious saving to do in the first 12-18 months of living together so there will have to be a fair amount of focus on the money.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Who pursued who? I don't think a guy should ever pursue a woman who earns more than him. It makes the relationship unbalanced and the power skewed in her favor. He didn't know how much I earned until after we'd fallen in love. Plus there was only a small difference until I negotiated a new pay/bonus structure which almost doubles my pay. He didn't expect that and neither did I.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 If you want a ring and have money - why not just buy a ring and have it? Why pretend to anyone that he bought you something when you pay for it?
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 If you want a ring and have money - why not just buy a ring and have it? Why pretend to anyone that he bought you something when you pay for it? What am I pretending? Sorry, don't follow.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 What am I pretending? Sorry, don't follow. Are you planning to tell people that you bought your own engagement ring?
Els Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I honestly don't think you need to worry yourself about what other people think - there will be some who mind and some who don't. What matters is what you and your bf think. I too find it slightly worrisome that you are merging accounts this early though honestly. IIRC, you have been with this man for 6 months? In fact I think 6 months (or 8, if we count til November) is a little early to be getting engaged as well, but I fully respect that different people have different timelines and expectations. Regardless, 8 months is also extremely early to be pooling accounts. If I were you I would wait til you are married before pooling. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Are you planning to tell people that you bought your own engagement ring? It's never occurred to me to tell anyone how I pay for anything, to be perfectly honest. When I married previously the money for anything came out of the joint account but I never once thought of where the money came from.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 I honestly don't think you need to worry yourself about what other people think - there will be some who mind and some who don't. What matters is what you and your bf think. I too find it slightly worrisome that you are merging accounts this early though honestly. IIRC, you have been with this man for 6 months? In fact I think 6 months (or 8, if we count til November) is a little early to be getting engaged as well, but I fully respect that different people have different timelines and expectations. Regardless, 8 months is also extremely early to be pooling accounts. If I were you I would wait til you are married before pooling. The savings account is for the wedding and the general savings we make until we buy a place. We'll not be pooling until either we're married or we've bought a property together, whichever is soonest, and there will be a pre-nup in place at that point. I appreciate for some, 6 months is not long (and in other circumstances I would agree), but we're happy we know what we want, and we practically live together and have done since fairly early on so it's different to, say, a dating situation or an LDR, if you see what I mean.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 It's never occurred to me to tell anyone how I pay for anything, to be perfectly honest. When I married previously the money for anything came out of the joint account but I never once thought of where the money came from. The pretending comes if you buy it and people think he paid and you allow them to think he bought it with his own money. Ask him if he will feel ok with knowing you bought yourself the ring and people think he bought it.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 The pretending comes if you buy it and people think he paid and you allow them to think he bought it with his own money. I still don't really get it. I don't see why it matters. In fact, we were calling the ring a joint cost, but I wonder why I should have that much spent on me when we're getting money together for a house, I should probably pay for it myself. Or maybe he gets the bike he's been slavering over to the same value... I have never ever asked who paid for anyone's engagement ring before. I guess it's just a culture thing. I am against any payments being made on a gender basis and positively loathe the 'man must pay on dates' thing and have stayed out of that thread as a result. Ask him if he will feel ok with knowing you bought yourself the ring and people think he bought it. He feels that the total wedding budget (including my ring) is a joint cost.
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