Wife left with "best friend" and now I'm stuck dealing with grief

[wilslaw21]

Hi everyone,

 

I am 30 years old. My wife and I married young, when we were both 20, and have two kids, ages 3 and 9.

 

We had a rocky relationship from the start because she simply could not get along with my family and/or friends. It was always one person or some other person with whom she had issues and would prevent me from seeing the "group" because that certain person would be there. In 2003, I left her (moved out and told her it was over) and immediately found someone else. My wife said I was cheating because were not officially divorced, but wanted to reconcile.

 

So I went back, and it started all over again where we would be happy and three to five months later something else would piss her off and it was all my fault. But things changed for the better for a year when my daughter was born in 2008. For once in our relationship, I felt we were happy and in love. But it soon would fade away when she begain seeing someone else. When I discovered the affair, she blamed my playing softball, working too much, hanging out with the guys, and going to school (I was in law school at the time). She kicked me out of our house for two months during which I fell apart and nearly lost my job, until she begged me back (found out later that she'd discovered her lover was married and expecting child).

 

Again, I returned like a moron and shortly after that she began saying that her cheating was my fault and began to isolate me from my family, again. I felt that she was emotionally detached from me, as if she didnt truly love me anymore. I felt like a damn pet, with no say, opinions, or emotions. We tried counseling, and she was great during sessions, but a different person at home. I had enough, filed for divorce and moved out. It was so hard because I really loved her and wanted nothing more but to be a husband and father.

 

I began dating in order to avoid the pain of seperation (I know it wasnt the best thing to do), and started a relationship with someone who finally seemed to "get me." When my wife discovered this, she begged me back, saying she'd changed, realized the errors of her ways, and that she had found God. I truly believed her, broke it off with the other girl -- which was hard to do, and returned to my wife hoping she'd genuinely changed.

 

Nope. Shortly after she had me, she began blaming me for the problems in the relationship, told me how she didnt like my family and friends, how I didnt make her feel special. Two months later after I'd come back, I find her sleeping with her best friend guy in our bed, told me she was happy with him, and completely cut me off from our relationship. I tried to talk to her twice after that to get some closure, and she called the police and said I was stalking her. So I decided to go NC. The childrens exchanges take place via her dad, with whom I get along great.

 

It had been two months since I found them together and she left me, but it has been really, really, really hard on me. I have relied on God and my church to get me through. I have cried every days since then. I feel so alone because my family and friends just say things like "we never liked her, she was no good for you, count your blessings she is gone" and expect me to move on by now. It feels great when I hear it, but at the end of the day, I feel like life is not worth living anymore. I am not suicidal, but do feel as though there is nothing left to make me happy. Even seeing my kids makes me deppressed as I feel that I failed them. I am seeing a therapist, which helps a little bit.

 

I feel that even though I know the relationship was a disaster, and that she was probably a true narcassist or borderline, she was my world. She was my high school love. It does not help that she is still with her lover (She told me in a telephone call that she was the happiest she'd ever been, and that I should get over her by now), while I force myself to grieve correctly this time to truly detox from her. It just hurts so bad, and the clouds are so so dark. It feels also like I am being punished even though I tried so hard to make things work, while she goes on and lives a fairy tale ending.

 

I guess I am hoping to hear from someone who went through something similar and survived and/or flourished.

[g450]

Holly crap! In YOUR bed? That's screwed up.

 

If that happened to me there probably would not be a need for divorce because I most likely would have went in with a shotgun.

 

That is the MOST hurtful thing you can do to a man. Some women really dont get this and they have no clue that they put peoples lives at risk when they do that.

 

In all honesty I dont know what I would have done. My brain would say just get rid of this loser and get real revenge by living a good life post divorce. But honestly my emotions probably would have gotten the better of me and I would have done something unthinkable. How did you handle that?

 

And what is the plan for you now?

[lovely81]

Aw, this is a sad story. I have not really gone through anything exactly similar, but I have gone through rough times. It sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. I was with someone when I was quite young, and I know what it's like to not really have much of a horizon beyond that person. Don't know if you felt that way, but I often felt confined in my relationship--I'd hear of people doing cool things but not really know if I could do those things because all my energy was invested in sustaining the (often rocky) relationship. I say this not to say that you'll be doing cool things, but because I think one of the scariest things for me to face getting out of that was that I just really didn't know what I wanted outside of the relationship. I couldn't know, because I had been in it, expending my energy on sustaining it, for so long. Between all this stuff, the kids, and law school--that's just a lot for anyone to handle. If you take it day by day though and focus on your happiness, you will rebuild a life that will probably be a bit more centered around your needs, and of course, you will find a person to accompany you in that life.

 

Also, I do relate to dealing with emotional people with a lot of drama. I think they are a bit like addictions, especially when I don't want to grapple with my own life. I have had to be very careful about not attracting those relationships again, which seem appealing at first (they are exciting) but then hollow you out.

 

Good luck! It will absolutely 100% get better.

[jgregory4614]

Yeah...I understand your pain bro! Im also 30 years old. Been seperated over 3 months now. Been married 8 years with 3 childeren. My wife cheated on me 6 months after we got married with her ex boyfriend. We got back together which was a stupid move on my part. It took a long time for me to get over it. Then a couple years later she tells me shes not happy and blames it on me. We hardly got into arguements and did a lot of things together which i had no reason to believe she was unhappy. A week after that break up i found her at a bar making out with her MUCH older over weight manager from her work! It made me sick! Nine months later we get back together (again was the dumbest thing i could have done). Everything went good for a couple years and THEN....she stays out til 1am comes home drunk. She told me her and her new MUCH older manager were out having a few drinks. My guess is as good as yours on what happened. Well i picked up my kids the other day for our weekend visit and they told me that my wifes new manager spends the night at our house!

There will come a time when you feel enough is enough. I love my wife. I miss being with and my family all the time but i know it will never work because of the hurt she causes me. I just cant forgive her for what shes done to me. It is what it is. We have to learn from this but not in a bitter way. Look at this as a new beginning. Do the things you couldnt do while you were with her. Visit your old friends and family she didnt want you to see. By the way...shes full of crap telling you shes happy. Its all a front. I think she likes to see you suffer! Just avoid all contact if possible. Its better in the long run.

[riverratt]

I haven't been through this pain is pain. Gather your friends up. You need them. If church helps then stay with it.

 

Don't do anything stupid and leave your kids with a legacy like that. Let her go and focus on you and your kids.

[wilslaw21]

Thanks for the support you guys. Gregory - Man, you had or have it tough too.

 

I wanted to kill him. But to be honest, I was able to hold back as I am about to graduate law school and become an attorney next year should I pass the bar. I was actually able to remember reading that the best revenge is good living. I knew that if I attacked this guy, I would probably have jeapordized my future.

 

Currently, I am reconnecting with family and friends. I gained more friends since her "departure," who now express how uncomfortable she made them feel and avoided me because she was my wife. One was hesitant to give me her phone number because my wife once called her over 50 times in order to chew her out over gossip she'd heard. She was a real bully. I attend church regularly and have signed up for a hockey league that will be starting in October. I have been going out to clubs and bars on some nights with a good friend but do not get drunk except for one night that I had one too many and ended up feeling worst. I just started taking an antidepressent in order to level-out my energy and mood. I am self-employed and I needed to get back on track without falling apart. I've read several self-help books, read articles in shrink4men.wordpress.com which helped me ID that she is probably borderline, and am seeing a therapist.

 

It has been tough, no doubt about it. The hardest part is the crying, self-pity, and loneliness. I know I am better than this, and deserve better than her. But the truth is that overcoming the negatives is easier said than done. I am sure that this has something to do with the fact that everything is so recent. I am hoping that things will get better when I reach month three, but I said that about month two when I reached month one and I am still in the same boat. Haha. That actually makes me lol. Things will get better after all one day.

 

I refer to my wife as my "wife" because the divorce is still pending, but in reality she is my soon-to-be-ex-wife. I will refer to her as my ex from now on.

Edited September 19, 2012 by wilslaw21

[riverratt]

I was actually able to remember reading that the best revenge is good living. I knew that if I attacked this guy, I would probably have jeapordized my future.

 

Exactly. I have figured out over time that revenge is not something to seek. Life will, most of the time, square things for you. You reap what you sow and life has a funny way of crawl fishing on you and biting you in the butt..

 

 

You rolling forward.

[Clep]

My husband left the relationship three times in the first 8 years we were together. I was crushed. I moved on without him and started seeing another guy the first time. The second time I started seeing a different guy. The third time I knew he was having an emotional affair. He left me a week before my birthday for her and I found him in bed with her the morning of my birthday.

 

Everything changed for me after that. I went NC and started the paperwork to remove his contact with our son completely as I found out he was on coke and taking our son to pick it up and doing it around him.

 

I blamed him for everything. My bf at the time was pretty controlling and I bought a book to read and confirm what a jerk my current bf was. I really realized I was a jerk and saw myself in that book. I started working on myself. Through that personal journey my behaviors and the behaviors I accepted from my ex became very transparent.

 

Through lack of contact with our son, he decided to get his act together so he could see him again as he did lost all contact through the courts. Neither of us knew were were each working on ourselves.

 

A year or more later we talked again for the first time and it was pretty harsh. After multiple conversations we started realizing we both changed and we ended up reconciling some time later. We started counselling together and separately. We are now married, happy and in love. Our counselling is still in place and he goes to cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

Basically it took the both of us to find ourselves, to determine our own personal boundaries and what that looked like. Neither of us was a victim at the hands of the other. We both did wrong and we both fixed it.

 

From what you have shared, you both need to work on yourselves and if just one of you is, things won't work out. It can work and end up being a dynamic friendship and relationship. It will take two to make that work though.

 

Either way, concentrate on yourself. Become a better version of yourself every day. She may see the changes and want those too, she may not. In the end you are all you have and you need to be at your best for you, not anyone else.

[Chi townD]

Thanks for the support you guys. Gregory - Man, you had or have it tough too.

 

I wanted to kill him. But to be honest, I was able to hold back as I am about to graduate law school and become an attorney next year should I pass the bar. I was actually able to remember reading that the best revenge is good living. I knew that if I attacked this guy, I would probably have jeapordized my future.

 

Currently, I am reconnecting with family and friends. I gained more friends since her "departure," who now express how uncomfortable she made them feel and avoided me because she was my wife. One was hesitant to give me her phone number because my wife once called her over 50 times in order to chew her out over gossip she'd heard. She was a real bully. I attend church regularly and have signed up for a hockey league that will be starting in October. I have been going out to clubs and bars on some nights with a good friend but do not get drunk except for one night that I had one too many and ended up feeling worst. I just started taking an antidepressent in order to level-out my energy and mood. I am self-employed and I needed to get back on track without falling apart. I've read several self-help books, read articles in shrink4men.wordpress.com which helped me ID that she is probably borderline, and am seeing a therapist.

 

It has been tough, no doubt about it. The hardest part is the crying, self-pity, and loneliness. I know I am better than this, and deserve better than her. But the truth is that overcoming the negatives is easier said than done. I am sure that this has something to do with the fact that everything is so recent. I am hoping that things will get better when I reach month three, but I said that about month two when I reached month one and I am still in the same boat. Haha. That actually makes me lol. Things will get better after all one day.

 

I refer to my wife as my "wife" because the divorce is still pending, but in reality she is my soon-to-be-ex-wife. I will refer to her as my ex from now on.

 

 

Dude, you are doing all the right things. You were with her for a decade, you can't shut off those feelings overnight! It's going to take a long time to get to the point that when you think about your Ex, it's with indifference.

 

Keep doing what you're doing because it definately helps with the healing process. And travel a little! Go see the world! I promise that you will heal. Just give it time.

[wilslaw21]

 

Basically it took the both of us to find ourselves, to determine our own personal boundaries and what that looked like. Neither of us was a victim at the hands of the other. We both did wrong and we both fixed it.

 

 

I am really happy for you! There are not a lot of couples that I know of that can go through what you two went through and come out with such a positive story. I agree that we both need to work on ourselves. That is why I am deciding to grieve the loss completely rather than trying to jump into another relationship. I want to find out exactly where I went wrong and what it is I value in a relationship/marriage.

 

There is alot to my x that I cannot state here, but I am nearly certain that she is suffering from a personality disorder. I say this not to villify her, but to tell you that she will likely not change because most people with personality disorders will not or cannot be changed. I know you probably think that I am likely exaggerating, like many guys tend to do about their x's, but in my self-discovery, I have done plenty of reading and came accross that subject. And she shows many many characteristics of narcassism (sic?) and/or borderline PD, such that I had one of those "If I only had known this then" monents and got more deppressed than I already was, which was pretty down there in the dumps, because I felt that I failed in not getting her help and my not recognizing the signs.

 

I have not and will not tell her that, though. She needs to figure herself out on her own, if she does have a PD. She is no longer my responsibility, as much as I catered to her for a decade.....

 

I wish you and your husband the best. Your story is exactly the type I was looking to read. Thanks for sharing.

[wilslaw21]

While I haven't been through this myself, I can only imagine it must be something like grieving---only this is the death of a marriage and a life that you had envisioned. I'm sorry you are hurting. It's a good thing that you are surrounding yourself with friends, family and activities. I know that you mentioned having read several books, so I kind of hesitate to say this, but...I wanted to let you know about a couple of books that I came across while working at Focus on the Family; Radical Recovery and Moving Forward.....both written from a Christian perspective. I'll be praying for you, wilslaw21. May God be your strength and peace.

 

Why do you hesitate? All things from God are good. It is men who have fallen. I will take a look at the books. I am a fairly fast reader, and blow through books in one or two days so I am always looking for new material.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[thatone]

if you learn anything, learn that you don't get psychos pregnant and/or married.

 

crazy is crazy, it won't magically go away.