lemondrops11 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 sorry for long post! have i made a mistake? so i broke up with my ex over 3 months ago. he was my first love, we met at uni, were together for 18 months. i'm 22, he's 21. From early on i felt strongly attracted to him and had never felt so comfortable and happy in someone's company. But also from early on I sensed he didn't have the qualities i'd want in a life partner but I just couldn't help feeling happy in his presence and wanting to spend time with him and I quickly fell for him completely and loved/love him unconditionally. But, he had many issues. A love of video gaming (about 70 hours worth a fortnight) and hardly went out. A smoker and took weed like at least once a week but i guess that's like a lot of uni boys. He'd never been abroad, didn't have passport & despite knowing my passion for travelling he never 'got round' to getting one so we could go away together. He missed loads of lectures due to getting no sleep from insomnia, had a past of suicidal thoughts, broken family. Despite all this, he thought the world of me and understood me like no other, made me laugh and was my best friend, my friends thought he was nice and treated me so well. I love that he loved the simple things in life and, most importantly, I just felt happier being with him than anything i've experienced. Before him I was just keen to be 'successful' and he got me in touch with my authentic self and thanks to him, I want to do a career for the wider good instead of just becoming a business woman like before. The things that bothered me I mentioned a few times when we were together (esp the passport thing) but not in a naggy way cause i'm the most laid back gf ever. I ended up mentioning my doubts in the last few weeks of uni and ended it shortly after without giving him a chance to work at these things. He was totally shocked and didn't expect it. But we're in our home cities now so it's hard to give him another chance to see if he could work on these things which is what he's most upset about. He said I was totally right about the stuff I criticized and wish i'd mentioned it properly before and he wants to be more ambitious now he's finished uni and is upset that I didn't even give him a chance to prove that and wishes i'd spoken more about what was bothering me. But, have I overthought this? We rarely argued in the whole relationship and even now, there's no one's presence that makes me feel happier than his in my whole life. I ended it before the honeymoon period had even finished. & he loved me, for me, unconditionally and I loved that he didn't care about impressing people or seeming successful. Have I thrown away the most important things in a relationship that I may not get again? Did I focus too much on his 'practical faults' and not appreciate the special emotional bond we had? Did I just not realize it because it was my first relationship? (we've had NC btw, blocked on fbook too, visiting his city in a month though) Just not sure if i've done the right thing! As cheesy as it is, the connection i had with him felt beautiful and was 100% the happiest 18 months of my life and I still totally love him.
lil hoodlum Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I think that yes you should have expressed your concerns/doubts to him properly. It is a plus for him that he is demonstrating a willingness to "meet" your needs. If in all other areas the two of you seemed to "click", I think it might be worthwhile for the two of you to see where the "changes" might lead ya'll down the path of life. I think that is the beauty of compromise. The two of you can work out differences to resolve issues for both partners to be happy. I only wish that my ex could have been willing to talk to me about her concerns/ issues before walking away from a good relationship. It hurts me more than anything she wasn't willing to give us a chance. Honestly you can't expect someone to fix/change something unless you express yourself. I wish you the best and good luck!
Snowdog21 Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Come on its obvious you messed up. If he made you happy you should have tried to make it work first before breaking up. Get over your self and ask him to take you back.
Author lemondrops11 Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 UPDATE to my thread. I don't want to rush in going back to him unless i'm 100% so think i should just elaborate on my reasons for ending it: I thought he'd be bad for me in the future. As I said, his lifestyle was RIDICULOUS. I mean he literally spent his LIFE playing video games when he hasn't with me (and tried to hide that from me, but i knew 100% how much time he was on there), or when i went round he'd play through the night when i went to sleep (due to his insomnia). He'd mostly wake up at 6pm and sleep at 8am at uni. Room was a tip. I love to travel. He's never been abroad and the whole time we were together he kept saying he'd sort a passport. I hinted even going away within the UK for our year anniversary and again after exams. Nothing happened, and i didn't want to be a nag so i left it bar mentioning it like once a month so he defs knew it bugged me. This lack of ID also meant for all of final year he couldn't get into nights out but this didn't motivate him to get one. The only places he suggested we'd go is for meals occasionally. He'd bull**** about how much work he was doing, but basically missed loads of lectures, mucked up his course. When I went round, we'd often just get a takeway and junk food but at mine i'd always make sure I cooked a proper meal. In the holidays he literally stayed by himself in his uni house the whole time. In my head, if i asked myself, would I be proud i, when i had kids, if they turned out similar to him, i'd say no . Obviously he had issues and it hurt knowing his family life, but I was accepting of him though throughout our relationship and really really wanted to help him to live life. But he was a lazy hermit who used his charm to bull**** through life and hide his disconnectness from it. But. He really did love me for who I am. Emotionally, he was there for me. We connected like i've never connected with anyone and I just loved spending time with him the whole way through our relationship and he always had time for me. We've had NC (after he kept sending millions of messages that i eventually had to ignore). I keep thinking if i got terminally ill, in a heartbeat i'd want to just spend my time with him because his company just made me very happy. As far as he knows, i'm not going back on my decision. But in 3 weeks today i'm visiting friends at uni where he still is. I'm not sure what to do. This feeling of doubt about him btw, was also there most of the time we were together despite the love. idk from the things i've described, he's bad for me in the longterm right? Or is love and a strong emotional bond enough? As i mentioned before, he was quite surprised at the ending and is annoyed i didn't give him a chance to work on stuff and begged for another chance but deep down I don't think people change though as far as i know. I've cried almost everyday since we broke up. He's my first love and I miss him ridiculously and i'm just not sure what the right thing to do is . Thanks for any replies.
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