hardlybreathing Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 This is a take off on my original thread. Do you all think that your adult children should have an influence on your decisions? How far do you think it should go. I'm going to get remarried somewhere in the near future and I keep getting a bunch of grief about inheritance, etc. Even though I've protected my children with what I think is fair, who are they to dictate it? I love and respect my children so they're input is important to me, but I'm a lilttle disappointed with their attitude that I don't need to get married. Well, I don't want to be alone forever so they remain happy (in a selfish way, I think), they live a good ways away, so I rarely see them. I truly am alone out here and I can't understand why they wouldn't be happy for me.
denise_xo Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I don't think children get to decide. When my father re-married, he called me with the news and was was very careful to try to take care of what he thought would be my concerns (in reality I didn't have any). I appreciated that he wanted to share this with me and that he seemed open to my views on it and that he had a readiness to discuss issues with me had I wanted to. In your case, had you been my mother, I would have been quite worried about the original time frame as we discussed in your previous thread. Personally, I have no expectations at all regarding inheritance. My parents have worked hard for what they have, and they are free to spend it or give it away as they choose. IMO, inheritance is a privilege and not a right, even though legally where I live I am entitled to a certain amount of the inheritance from parents living inside the country (which didn't apply to my father). What exactly are your children objecting to? You say that the issue of inheritance has been sorted. What other reasons do they have to discourage you from getting married?
pink_sugar Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I agree it's not up to the children, but to maintain a positive relationship with your kids, you should do everything possible to help your new husband/wife and kids get along with one another. No guarantees. However, I HATED the fact that my dad would say "your new mom" about someone 7 years older than me when I was 17 years old. Big no-no. If your kids are adults, they don't need another mother or father figure. Respect and first name basis is fine.
Author hardlybreathing Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 What exactly are your children objecting to? You say that the issue of inheritance has been sorted. What other reasons do they have to discourage you from getting married Well, first of all I have to say that they already have a bad taste in their mouth with the new man in my life. They think he has an ulterior motive and that's why he moved so fast. I've walked it back as you know, but I think the damage is already done. And, by the way, they were a huge reason why I backed off of the date. I want them to accept my soon to be husband, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think the only way that they will approve is time, but I'm not going to waste a lot of my time waiting on them to approve. I have always been very close to my kids probably to a fault, but this has absolutely driven a wedge in our relationship and I can't seem to fix it. And it order for them to approve, I think, is to walk entirely away from this. I'm not being a drama queen, I know how my children are. I know whatever I do at this point is not going to set well with them so I am now left with doing damage control. I'm in an awful position.
denise_xo Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 I HATED the fact that my dad would say "your new mom" about someone 7 years older than me when I was 17 years old. Big no-no. If your kids are adults, they don't need another mother or father figure. Respect and first name basis is fine. My father did something similar, not as far as the 'mother' label (I was also older than you were), but there was a lot of talk about 'your new family, your new siblings', etc. I really wasn't in need of an additional 'family'. But as you say, meeting them, first names and respects, sure that's all good. 1
denise_xo Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Well, first of all I have to say that they already have a bad taste in their mouth with the new man in my life. They think he has an ulterior motive and that's why he moved so fast. I've walked it back as you know, but I think the damage is already done. And, by the way, they were a huge reason why I backed off of the date. I want them to accept my soon to be husband, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think the only way that they will approve is time, but I'm not going to waste a lot of my time waiting on them to approve. I have always been very close to my kids probably to a fault, but this has absolutely driven a wedge in our relationship and I can't seem to fix it. And it order for them to approve, I think, is to walk entirely away from this. I'm not being a drama queen, I know how my children are. I know whatever I do at this point is not going to set well with them so I am now left with doing damage control. I'm in an awful position. Well, if it is mainly a general reaction to the initial rush, I think you should just let time do its work. Invite them to spend time with you and your new guy at regular intervals and make it clear to them that the two of you will tie the knot in the not too distant future. If you are consistent about this, but also open to discuss issues with them, then they should eventually come around. If they don't, sure you can't put your life on hold forever. Just aim for some kind of middle ground, and in the mean time just enjoy your relationship.
MissBee Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 This is a take off on my original thread. Do you all think that your adult children should have an influence on your decisions? How far do you think it should go. I'm going to get remarried somewhere in the near future and I keep getting a bunch of grief about inheritance, etc. Even though I've protected my children with what I think is fair, who are they to dictate it? I love and respect my children so they're input is important to me, but I'm a lilttle disappointed with their attitude that I don't need to get married. Well, I don't want to be alone forever so they remain happy (in a selfish way, I think), they live a good ways away, so I rarely see them. I truly am alone out here and I can't understand why they wouldn't be happy for me. Having an influence, is natural. In terms of, I do think you'll always love and value them so like anyone else, a friend or other family member, you'll want them to approve of and be happy about your choices. However, your child cannot dictate them. You getting married shouldn't rest in the hands of your adult children. They should be supportive and of course it's natural to be protective, but at the end of the day just like how you as their mom no longer have the authority to make their decisions, but your input counts, likewise your kids cannot make that decision for you. Thank them for their opinions but kindly let them know you're going to do what you believe is best for you.
carhill Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Do you all think that your adult children should have an influence on your decisions? How far do you think it should go. Influence, regarding this specific area? None. They're adults. They should expect nothing and support your right and privilege to die broke, holding the hand of your beloved with a smile on your face if that is your choice. I'd have been tickled shyteless if my mother had gotten remarried in the 26 years she lived after my dad's death. Life's short. Enjoy it. You spent a big chunk of it devoted to your children. Their appreciation is wishing you well. 2
pink_sugar Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 My father did something similar, not as far as the 'mother' label (I was also older than you were), but there was a lot of talk about 'your new family, your new siblings', etc. I really wasn't in need of an additional 'family'. But as you say, meeting them, first names and respects, sure that's all good. Pretty much, he would also talk about how her daughter (5 at the time) is "your new sister" to my brother especially who is 16 years older than her and the girl is 12 years younger than me. She didn't come into the country until I had already moved out on my own at 18. And my dad still makes comments about my moving out too soon. I'm so glad I did. No way would I have wanted to put up with a 6 year old and my dad forcing me to say she's my sister.
todreaminblue Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 This is a take off on my original thread. Do you all think that your adult children should have an influence on your decisions? How far do you think it should go. I'm going to get remarried somewhere in the near future and I keep getting a bunch of grief about inheritance, etc. Even though I've protected my children with what I think is fair, who are they to dictate it? I love and respect my children so they're input is important to me, but I'm a lilttle disappointed with their attitude that I don't need to get married. Well, I don't want to be alone forever so they remain happy (in a selfish way, I think), they live a good ways away, so I rarely see them. I truly am alone out here and I can't understand why they wouldn't be happy for me. You have devoted a good majority of your children as have I .......They dont get to decide they deserve ot be informed no more no less.... it is wonderful when they are supportive and understanding and wanting you to have happiness but in respect to them not being that way......two fingers up as a peace sign stuff them........no matter how disappointed you are it i snot up to them it is you and your life....they will have families of their own, one day if not already....fly free my friend .....be happy.....you deserve it ....be proud of what you have done for them and if they don't come around it is their loss........and i can bet they will come around......if they love you and realise you are happy they have no reason not to come around......wait it out and be happy while you do............deb
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 This pisses me off more than anything. NO ONE is entitled to inherit a damn thing. Anything you get in life is a bonus. I say tell them to grow the **** up and do what you think is necessary. Your will or inheritances or lack thereof, are none of their business.
pink_sugar Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 This pisses me off more than anything. NO ONE is entitled to inherit a damn thing. Anything you get in life is a bonus. I say tell them to grow the **** up and do what you think is necessary. Your will or inheritances or lack thereof, are none of their business. I don't know, I think things like life insurance are essential to have especially if something were to happen to you at a young age, you want to make sure your children are taken care of in ex (housing, college, other living expenses). Most decent parents include their children in their will. However it is rather rude of them (the kids) to be fixated on it. But I have seen situations where the kids get screwed over and the stepmom or stepdad gets everything which I don't think is right at all. These types of people shouldn't have children IMO. My dad won't shut up about his will and openly talks about willing someone money if he's with them at least 5 years. I think if you leave yourself open for discussions like that, you leave yourself open for criticism. Don't want an opinion or criticism, don't talk about it.
MuscleCarFan Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 While inheriting something is nice, your kids are incredibly rude for being fixated on it.
g450 Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Good thread. Well for me it was a bit worrysome. I got the house in the divorce under the condition that I leave it to our only Son when I die. I had a will made and agreed to this. Once I remarried my Son got a bit worried. I guess he did not expect his old man to remarry ever again. He asked if I would sign over my house to him now. That hurt. I told him hell no. My home is my number one asset and that I worked all my life to pay off. I was not going to leave myself financially naked at age 50. That would have been stupid. If I had children that were arrogant about their inheritance I would not leave them a damn thing. Luckily my Son was not arrogant about it but he did have valid concerns. Im sure his mother had something to do with his request. The flip side to this is that my current wife doesnt like the fact that I have this agreement with my Son. I gave her an insurance policy that would ensure that she got enough money to buy her own house. She kept saying that she really doesnt like my house anyway so I dont see what the big deal is. But she has never had her own place. She always hooked up with losers and never had enough money for her own home so I can see where this makes her uncomfortable. In the end though it is really up to me. AFAIAC my first wife betrayed me and my Son so who knows what the future may hold. Either way, its my home until I die. The rest is simply details for the lawyers. And for the record, my Son was my best man at my wedding so he does at least accept her into the family and we get along well. He wants for me the same thing I want for him. To be happy. As far as the ex wife is concerned, hell she got what she wanted and she can live with her decision. One good thing I can say is the she was the villain in all this so it made it easier for my Son to accept a new woman in my life. So kuddos to you for that honey. At least one good thing came from your mess LOL. This brings me to another concern. Both my W and my Mom do not have wills. I have three brothers and Mom is remarried so my fear is that when she passes, things will get ugly. I simply do not understand how people can get this late in life and not care enough about their loved ones to set their house in order. I guess some people just dont want to face their mortality. For the record, I could care less if my Mom leaves me anything but I would like to make sure that things are fair to all four of us and to her current H. If it's not, it will tear apart the family and that is what I want to avoid.
pink_sugar Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Leave it all to the cat. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if MCF parents left it to their dogs.
Author hardlybreathing Posted September 20, 2012 Author Posted September 20, 2012 I've actually thought about refinancing my home to liquidate the equity and give my children their share right now so there won't be any issues. Of course that will increase my living expenses which at my age I'm not sure that's wise, but my soon to be husband would share with the household expenses and therefore would get my house and of course would have to pay on the mortgage if I refinanced so essentially he would be paying for their inheritance. The other assets, well my kids are the benficiaries and I don't plan on changing that. I do have a will and everything is pretty much settled so there shouldn't be any issues. I think my kids are more concerned about a divorce. They don't want me to squander what I've worked so hard to obtain only to lose it to a "stranger" to them, or for me to once again have to start over. I don't think their trying to be rude, I think they are more concerned about a divorce, not death. But what I've said to them, you know I don't have a crystal ball, I feel that marriage should be until death we do part, but it is a gamble. What makes you so dang sure your marriage will last? I pray that it does, but *^&^% happens.
mem11363 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 HB given your prior history of a spouse behaving badly and hurting you financially, it isn't terribly surprising the kids are suspicious. When reading your initial thread I thought the new man should realize that rushing a marriage might seem self serving given the difference in your financial situations. I am not suggesting he IS a bad person. I just could not see any possible benefit in racing to the altar given that you two aren't playing a game of 'beat the biological clock'. Like I said before I wish you the best and am confident that if his intentions are good he will be as patient as you ask him to be. As for your kids, I would make it very hard for them to behave badly. I believe you can accomplish that via use of an irrevocable living trust. I am not a lawyer, but a decent one can explain how to make this bullet proof. As for your new man, the phrase to use with him and them is that 'marriage with be a financial NON-EVENT'. With a child, and the conversation then becomes a very simple matter: I know you were looking out for my best interests nd am glad you care about me. This is what I have done to remove money from the marital equation (explanation here). With that resolved I need to know that you will accept the new man because I do love him and am not going to be ok with any unfriendly behavior between the two of you. I likely would have that Convo before signing the trust papers. Under no circumstances would I accelerate their inheritance. [/b]I've actually thought about refinancing my home to liquidate the equity and give my children their share right now so there won't be any issues. Of course that will increase my living expenses which at my age I'm not sure that's wise, but my soon to be husband would share with the household expenses and therefore would get my house and of course would have to pay on the mortgage if I refinanced so essentially he would be paying for their inheritance. The other assets, well my kids are the benficiaries and I don't plan on changing that. I do have a will and everything is pretty much settled so there shouldn't be any issues. I think my kids are more concerned about a divorce. They don't want me to squander what I've worked so hard to obtain only to lose it to a "stranger" to them, or for me to once again have to start over. I don't think their trying to be rude, I think they are more concerned about a divorce, not death. But what I've said to them, you know I don't have a crystal ball, I feel that marriage should be until death we do part, but it is a gamble. What makes you so dang sure your marriage will last? I pray that it does, but *^&^% happens.
Author hardlybreathing Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 HB given your prior history of a spouse behaving badly and hurting you financially, it isn't terribly surprising the kids are suspicious. When reading your initial thread I thought the new man should realize that rushing a marriage might seem self serving given the difference in your financial situations. I am not suggesting he IS a bad person. I just could not see any possible benefit in racing to the altar given that you two aren't playing a game of 'beat the biological clock'. Like I said before I wish you the best and am confident that if his intentions are good he will be as patient as you ask him to be. As for your kids, I would make it very hard for them to behave badly. I believe you can accomplish that via use of an irrevocable living trust. I am not a lawyer, but a decent one can explain how to make this bullet proof. As for your new man, the phrase to use with him and them is that 'marriage with be a financial NON-EVENT'. With a child, and the conversation then becomes a very simple matter: I know you were looking out for my best interests nd am glad you care about me. This is what I have done to remove money from the marital equation (explanation here). With that resolved I need to know that you will accept the new man because I do love him and am not going to be ok with any unfriendly behavior between the two of you. I likely would have that Convo before signing the trust papers. Under no circumstances would I accelerate their inheritance. All my financial matters are in order. Papers were signed last Friday. Good to go.
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