Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

  • Author
Posted
It may not do anything to XMM's marriage and kids. It would be up to you and your H to decide about disclosing it. It's most certainly possible that your H would want to disclose to help prevent a reoccurence or because he will sympathize with the other BS and feel that she deserves to know.

 

Honestly, she does deserve to know. It's not selfish for you to disclose to your H and it would be good for the other BS to know the truth (if it were to come out). You're thinking about it a bit backwards and that's pretty normal coming from the position of havin mentally justified all this subterfuge for a long time. Owl is also right about your concerns for protecting the OM. Stop doing that. Focus on your own marriage.

 

She deserves to know, yes. But I am not sure she wants to. I am not protecting xMOM, though. He can sink or swim, either way. And I would not discuss disclosure with him before it happens. I'm sure he wouldn't discuss it with me, and in terms of my M, it's not his business anyway.

  • Author
Posted
This is great in theory but not in practice. Her marriage will forever be a sham and she will forever be a liar. This is not a good outcome. You cannot go around this situation. You must go through it. The consequences are the ones that you need to pay. Respect your husband enough to stop controlling what he gets to know and let him drive the bus for a while. Humble yourself and let the chips fall where they may.

 

As for the other BS, she has a knife in her back that you helped put there but she doesn't know about it because her husband has her doped up enough not to feel it. She is bleeding out. The selfish thing is to run and hide. The unselfish thing is to admit what you've done so that she can pull the damn knife out and start to heal.

 

I can understand totally why a BS would feel this way. It makes sense, and I am absolutely sure I would feel the same if I was wearing BS shoes.

 

BUT I have heard from BSs on other forums that if the A was over, the WS regretted it and had no intention of doing it again, and the WS was rededicating themselves to the M, that they would have preferred non-disclosure. So while it's true that I think MOST BSs prefer to know, I think there is a minority that prefers to remain in the dark. And that's why I'm torn. Because I think both my H and xMOMs BS might be that minority based on their actions and words.

  • Author
Posted
OP, since you're apparently not going to disclose right now, how about taking the middle ground of black hole NC? Block his number/e-mail or simply trash all contact without reading/listening. I understand that he is apparently an in-law/family member but it appears you can avoid contact either way until you make a decision regarding disclosure. Disclosing would likely make no contact more of a priority, but I'm hearing you're not ready for that yet. Try something you are ready for. No conversation; just make like a hole in the water and disappear.

 

An excellent idea. I thought I was well within NC until xMOMs most recent contact. I am resigned to the idea that I'm going to have to change my phone number. Not sure if it will help, since he has ways of getting my new number from someone, but I'll do what I can to stay a "hole in the water" at this point.

  • Author
Posted
My father, a BS, when I discussed my affair with him said don't tell. But that may be tied to the specifics in my situation.

 

What does your gut tell you? Go with your gut.

 

My gut says clam up and live with the guilt forever.

 

But then again, it's pretty obvious that I'm a gutless coward. So I don't know if that's saying much.

Posted

 

- When EA was ending, H and I were discussing friends who had As. Asked him if he'd want to know about an A if I had one. He said he'd want to know about a PA, but wouldn't want to know about an EA if it was over.

 

 

Going back to this, it is possible your H might not care as much about the EA as you (and other posters here) might think.

 

Some men, and no, I'm not trying to be sexist, view EA's as flirting and fun and nothing to be really concerned about unless the affair crosses into the physical part. Some men have this view whether it is their own affair that they are having or the affair their wife is having. Sure, it is "kind of" wrong in the eyes of men like these but not they do not consider it a "real" affair so no harm, no foul.

 

Your husband might be one of these types of men. I still say that you should tell him, for the sake of honesty and to give him a choice about his marriage. However, it might be more of a sting for him rather than a giant, gaping wound.

 

Thoughts?

Posted
I can understand totally why a BS would feel this way. It makes sense, and I am absolutely sure I would feel the same if I was wearing BS shoes.

 

BUT I have heard from BSs on other forums that if the A was over, the WS regretted it and had no intention of doing it again, and the WS was rededicating themselves to the M, that they would have preferred non-disclosure. So while it's true that I think MOST BSs prefer to know, I think there is a minority that prefers to remain in the dark. And that's why I'm torn. Because I think both my H and xMOMs BS might be that minority based on their actions and words.

 

I wonder if this is connected to the level of intimacy those people want. My H and I prefer a lot of intimacy and being open and honest feeds that intimacy. Some people may want less intimacy and I think keeping important secrets about one's fidelity and intimate connections to others during the M may help keep intimacy at bay. You can read posts from some BS whose marriages have fully reconciled after a betrayal and they describe a M with a lot of intimacy. I have never seen a post describe a high level of intimacy while keeping such a deception for years.

 

You might want to think about how much intimacy you want and need, as well as your H. But I'd start with you first, because if you need intimacy and don't get it, I think those are conditions for another affair in the years to come.

  • Like 2
Posted
An excellent idea. I thought I was well within NC until xMOMs most recent contact. I am resigned to the idea that I'm going to have to change my phone number. Not sure if it will help, since he has ways of getting my new number from someone, but I'll do what I can to stay a "hole in the water" at this point.

I would counsel against changing your number, presuming your phone is a personal one, simply because it could impel questions from your husband. Most providers give the option to block specific numbers and, even if this is not available, you can change his numbers to 'do not answer' as the name and then summarily erase all VM's without listening to them. The same with e-mails/SMS/chat/FB, etc, etc. Make changes that eliminate active contact methods without raising any suspicions.

 

If/when you choose to disclose, then more permanent solutions can be discussed and worked as a team. One step at a time :)

Posted
My gut says clam up and live with the guilt forever.

 

But then again, it's pretty obvious that I'm a gutless coward. So I don't know if that's saying much.

 

What if your xMOM decides to come clean and tell his wife the truth? This is why so many are advising you to tell now.

 

Who knows, maybe your H will not want to tell them the truth for the reasons that you stated about their mental health issues.

 

It's hard to face consquences and the fallout if you do tell, but the consquences of not telling might be worse..

  • Author
Posted
What if your xMOM decides to come clean and tell his wife the truth? This is why so many are advising you to tell now.

 

Extremely unlikely. xMOM is even more of a gutless coward than I am, and that's saying a lot. If there was a DDay, he'd lie like a rug. And she'd probably believe him. Because I think she wants to believe.

 

But yeah, even so, I'd live in fear forever. Another reason I want to disclose. But, like I said before, it's a selfish reason for wanting to disclose.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Going back to this, it is possible your H might not care as much about the EA as you (and other posters here) might think.

 

Some men, and no, I'm not trying to be sexist, view EA's as flirting and fun and nothing to be really concerned about unless the affair crosses into the physical part. Some men have this view whether it is their own affair that they are having or the affair their wife is having. Sure, it is "kind of" wrong in the eyes of men like these but not they do not consider it a "real" affair so no harm, no foul.

 

Your husband might be one of these types of men. I still say that you should tell him, for the sake of honesty and to give him a choice about his marriage. However, it might be more of a sting for him rather than a giant, gaping wound.

 

Thoughts?

 

Well... I don't think H would view an EA as harmless flirting, but I do think he'd be super relieved that it hadn't progressed to a PA. Still, he would see it as a major betrayal (which it was). It would be a giant, gaping wound for him.

 

I think it's like another poster said: He doesn't want to know the truth because he knows it would forever change how he viewed me.

 

Neither he nor I really want to face the pain. Are we stuck in denial? Maybe. But the part of me that doesn't want to disclose keeps thinking: If enough water goes under the bridge and enough time passes so that this is a distant memory, it won't matter to my M anymore anyway. I guess I kind of liken it to my first boyfriend or whatever. I was SO IN LOVE (said in jest) at the time and every emotion felt raw and deep. Now I barely remember anything about the guy. I'm not 100% sure that disclosure is necessary to rebuild a marriage, but nor am I certain it's not. Torn.

 

Carhill: Thanks for the advice. I could possibly change my number without arousing suspicions because I've been getting a lot of Spam texts and calls lately. But I think going with a call/text blocker is probably the way to go. I need one for the spam numbers anyway.

Edited by sleepie
missing word
Posted

Sounds good.... our MC always suggested to eat the elephant one bite at a time. So, today, spend an hour and clean up that spam and block all the relevant numbers, including his. Since you apparently get a lot of spam anyway, then perhaps even an enhanced, paid version might be worthwhile, and perfectly explainable. I know how annoying spam can be.

 

So we're agreed, you've chosen to end your inappropriate association with this man, correct? Is that part clear? If so, then taking one step today along that path is all that's necessary to walk it. Just one step. Up to you which one. Good luck.

  • Author
Posted
Sounds good.... our MC always suggested to eat the elephant one bite at a time. So, today, spend an hour and clean up that spam and block all the relevant numbers, including his. Since you apparently get a lot of spam anyway, then perhaps even an enhanced, paid version might be worthwhile, and perfectly explainable. I know how annoying spam can be.

 

So we're agreed, you've chosen to end your inappropriate association with this man, correct? Is that part clear? If so, then taking one step today along that path is all that's necessary to walk it. Just one step. Up to you which one. Good luck.

 

Yes, it's clear. I've been making excuses for why I wouldn't change my number, blacklist, etc. But I'm done with those excuses. Time to take the step.

 

Thanks :)

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

 

So why would I disclose? A few reasons. The things people say here about my H needing to know the truth so that he can make the decision for himself to stay or go really resonates with me. Also, I hate the lies. Even though the actual EA is over, I hate the lies I carry with me every day. I hate the guilt. I want to rebuild my marriage and feels it needs the foundation of truth.

 

But... would I be disclosing just to alleviate my guilt? Hurting him just so I can share my burden of pain? He's made it clear that he wouldn't want to know about an EA if it was over. My focus, love and attention is now on him. Is revealing the EA the ONLY way to rebuild?

 

I'm not sure how one can rebuild if one feels guilty and ashamed and like they're carrying around a secret. I'm sure this affects how you act and your ability to be open and intimate. That would be my reason for telling, precisely what you said about the foundation of truth. It would be such a weight off and whatever happened henceforth would be based on the truth. I couldn't have an affair and try to rebuild with that knowledge...some people can and I don't know how, but I couldn't.

 

The idea of not wanting to know about an EA is an interesting one...to me, that's about avoidance of a problem. If your spouse is having any kind of A, one usually precedes or is entwined with the other, so I don't see why people differentiate it...but the point is, one is not less or more, both speak to a problem needing to be addressed. Therefore saying you'd not want to know about one versus another is simply a way of sweeping it under the rug versus saying, hey, my wife felt the need to invest emotionally in another man, WHY? Where do we go now? Him not wanting to know isn't a free pass IMO...it's simply him avoiding. It's not as if you guys have an open marriage where you date others but have a "no details" policy. You wouldn't need to feel guilty if that were the case, so obviously the guilt and obviously him not wanting to know stems from something being fundamentally wrong with the situation.

 

My vote would be to tell and that puts ALL your marriage issues on the table. It isn't about hurting him to assuage your guilt IMO, but about putting the full truth, even if it's ugly, on the table so that you guys know where the marriage REALLY stands and not just the illusion of where it stands based on all the stuff in the closet being hidden.

Edited by MissBee
Posted
Your view is great in theory, but not in practice.

 

We'll never agree, and she can make her own choices. This OP/BS opposition is not unlike a political split. We view life differently.

 

Appreciate your position. Agree to disagree.

Posted

If you didn't have sex with him you are creating problems for everyone. Talk to a preist, talk to a bartender, but why throw a bomb in the middle of everyones lives. Perhaps you are a christian that belongs to aone of the guild driven religions. Whatever you do think for yourself at the end of the day. 10 years from now it will be a faded memory. Good luck. And check out the posts of some those that posted here, they are all about confessions, whether they are warranted or not. Good luck to you.

Posted
I'm not sure how one can rebuild if one feels guilty and ashamed and like they're carrying around a secret. I'm sure this affects how you act and your ability to be open and intimate. That would be my reason for telling, precisely what you said about the foundation of truth. It would be such a weight off and whatever happened henceforth would be based on the truth. I couldn't have an affair and try to rebuild with that knowledge...some people can and I don't know how, but I couldn't.

 

The idea of not wanting to know about an EA is an interesting one...to me, that's about avoidance of a problem. If your spouse is having any kind of A, one usually precedes or is entwined with the other, so I don't see why people differentiate it...but the point is, one is not less or more, both speak to a problem needing to be addressed. Therefore saying you'd not want to know about one versus another is simply a way of sweeping it under the rug versus saying, hey, my wife felt the need to invest emotionally in another man, WHY? Where do we go now? Him not wanting to know isn't a free pass IMO...it's simply him avoiding. It's not as if you guys have an open marriage where you date others but have a "no details" policy. You wouldn't need to feel guilty if that were the case, so obviously the guilt and obviously him not wanting to know stems from something being fundamentally wrong with the situation.

 

My vote would be to tell and that puts ALL your marriage issues on the table. It isn't about hurting him to assuage your guilt IMO, but about putting the full truth, even if it's ugly, on the table so that you guys know where the marriage REALLY stands and not just the illusion of where it stands based on all the stuff in the closet being hidden.

 

I am going to do my best to stop twisting the OPs arm because my position is clear. But I do agree with the post above pretty well word-for-word. But there is one other thing that strikes me about his "not wanting to know" about an EA. I think until infidelity happens to us, none of us really know what the hell we're talking about or what we would want. In general, men are more likely disturbed by the physical piece and women moreso by the emotional piece. In his mind, I think he figures he could forgive an EA (thinking it's not as severe) but couldn't forgive a PA. The problem is that he doesn't know that an EA is just as dangerous because he's a rookie that just knew the physical part would be really devastating. When really weighing all of the factors (like your ongoing difficulty in maintaining NC), would he really not want to know? I doubt it. He has no idea that he's in competition for his wife right now. I bet he would change his mind about that juvenile mindset when really presented with the choice. In my history of reading here, I have only once found a BS that says they wish they didn't know. I made a mental note because it was actually shocking to me to hear and the first time a real person had retroactively said they wished they didn't know. Never seen another since. For as much as this "not wanting to know" stuff is bandied about (mostly by WS/OM/OW), you'd think you'd hear that more often. Any BSs want to come out and say that you wish you didn't know?

Posted

First ask yourself what caused you to respond to the advances (if xmom is the one who started anything), or what made you receive the compliments as more than a friendly meaning, what made the EA come to pass (or grow to that extent)?

 

Was the EA one of lust and infatuation of the single thought that anything physical would happen?

Was it that another MM noticed you/was talking to you and found you interesting/attractive?

 

Next ask yourself, do you want trust in your marriage?

Do you want avoidance (which is what this is right now, by covering up what transpired in the past, even though it is said to be over now).

 

Will the fallout be bigger if you H finds out you withheld this information?

Will he be more hurt by you having the guts to tell him you did wrong, or be more hurt by finding it out himself?

 

I believe any man, even though he said he wouldn't want to know about an EA, any man would be more hurt and feel like a stab in the heart and even more betrayed, by them finding out this EA happened via second hand.

 

If xmom has broken boundaries and rules and it is supposed to be over, but you say he is acting desperate, then what happens if a call or text comes in or an email does and you aren't close by your phone, and your H sees it?

 

Where will your explanation start?

 

Communication and trust are key in marriages and relationships.

 

Your H doesn't want to hear about an EA because he feels it is more hurtful for that to happen than a PA, some men might not feel that way, but most men will wonder why the EA happened at all, they will ask what they did wrong, or what wasn't enough for you, what do they not have that you got elsewhere?

 

These questions have to be asked and you need to answer them to yourself, or write them down.

 

You will be asked these questions and more because your H will want to know.

 

If you want the M to continue and try to grow stronger, then you start out with the truth of what you did wrong, and you keep on telling the truth, any slip up or deletion of facts, will derail you even building a small amount of trust back in your H heart and mind.

 

Earning trust back is baby-steps.

 

Also, someone said that you being worried about hurting xmoms family, that you are holding xmom at higher value and importance, than your H and your own M.

 

That is very true, I agree.

 

You are in turmoil because you don't' want to keep a secret or hurt your H, so that should tell you, that your H is and should be the most important thing to you and in your mind right now, and always.

 

Best of luck in the decision you make.

  • Author
Posted

I really appreciate all the thoughts, advice and opinions everyone has offered. I'm going to chew on this some more. I've downloaded a call/sms blocker to my phone, so that's my first step.

 

If/when I decide to disclose, at least I will have moved forward in that manner.

 

Sometime over the next few days, I may have another chat with H and see if he really would prefer to remain in the dark about an EA. Maybe it'll open up a dialogue for us that will allow me to disclose. Or maybe it'll show me that he really would prefer to not to know. Either way, hopefully it'll help make my decision more clear. If he truly doesn't want to know--and he expresses that clearly--then I have to look at it closer. I've already disrespected him and our marriage by having the EA in the first place. If I go against his express wishes, am I disrespecting him more? Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's avoidance. But I lived in that world during my entire EA, so can I blame him for wanting the same?

 

Or maybe BetrayedH is right. He doesn't fully understand the depth of an EA versus a PA. But I suspect if I bring it up again, he'll know deep down why I'm mentioning it, and his response/reaction will tell me all I need to know about whether he wants to hear the truth.

Posted

Good marriages are built on honesty and genuine trust. Right now, you have neither of those going for your marriage. It's time to come clean and give your husband the truth. The EA is not completely over anyway if the XOM is still contacting you. The only way to rebuild is to start from both partners knowing the truth. Otherwise, whatever was wrong in your marriage that made you vulnerable to an EA will not be resolved. It takes both partners to resolve this and move forward.

Posted
Sometime over the next few days, I may have another chat with H and see if he really would prefer to remain in the dark about an EA. Maybe it'll open up a dialogue for us that will allow me to disclose. Or maybe it'll show me that he really would prefer to not to know. Either way, hopefully it'll help make my decision more clear. If he truly doesn't want to know--and he expresses that clearly--then I have to look at it closer. I've already disrespected him and our marriage by having the EA in the first place. If I go against his express wishes, am I disrespecting him more? Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's avoidance. But I lived in that world during my entire EA, so can I blame him for wanting the same?

 

Have you had the 'what if I or you cheated how would you or I react'? conversation before?

 

I could be wrong but bringing this up without disclosure, putting the ball in his court if you tell or not is kind of..Gaslighting him. BE prepared for him to come right out and ask you if you cheated on him. If he asks that, I do hope you totally come clean.

 

But, I'm advising you either drop it or tell him everything. Don't hint or sort of bring it up to see how he reacts..

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Have you had the 'what if I or you cheated how would you or I react'? conversation before?

 

I could be wrong but bringing this up without disclosure, putting the ball in his court if you tell or not is kind of..Gaslighting him. BE prepared for him to come right out and ask you if you cheated on him. If he asks that, I do hope you totally come clean.

 

But, I'm advising you either drop it or tell him everything. Don't hint or sort of bring it up to see how he reacts..

 

Yes, I can see where this could be seen as gaslighting. We have had that conversation, but he has never right out asked me. If he asked me straight, I would tell him the truth. Because then I would know he wanted to know the truth.

 

I'm only "sort of" bringing it up because we've had this conversation in the past and he's made his stance clear. I guess, maybe deep down, I hope that bringing it up again will open up a dialogue that lets me be honest.

 

Which sure as h*** should tell me something about how I really feel.

Posted
I can understand totally why a BS would feel this way. It makes sense, and I am absolutely sure I would feel the same if I was wearing BS shoes.

 

BUT I have heard from BSs on other forums that if the A was over, the WS regretted it and had no intention of doing it again, and the WS was rededicating themselves to the M, that they would have preferred non-disclosure. So while it's true that I think MOST BSs prefer to know, I think there is a minority that prefers to remain in the dark. And that's why I'm torn. Because I think both my H and xMOMs BS might be that minority based on their actions and words.

 

I'm a bit puzzled by you saying you are trying to protect the other BW.

 

This is surely not relevant to whether or not you disclose to your own BH.

 

There is no obligation on you to also disclose to the MM's BW is there?

 

Perhaps you think your BH will disclose to the other BW. While this might happen, it isn't directly your responsibility and looks to me like you finding reasons not to disclose.

 

I'm someone in favour of full disclosure in most if not all cases. I agree that in general BSs say disclose and WSs and OW/M usually say don't.

Posted

This may be a factor in the OP's decision-making process, previously posted in this thread:

 

"It's not HIS marriage or HIS life I am trying to safeguard. It's HERS and the children. I've already betrayed her (someone I would consider a quasi-friend, and, sadly enough, someone who is also a family member of mine)."

 

 

  • Author
Posted
Sleepie, are you scared that he's going to leave you if he finds out?

 

Well, that's always a fear, of course. No matter how well we know someone, we can never predict their reactions with 100% accuracy. Although if I were a gambling woman, I'd place my bets on my H wanting to reconcile. He's no doormat, but he loves me deeply.

 

As Carhill pointed out, my situation is more involved. The aftermath would affect many people--not just me, my H, and my kids (which is bad enough)--and these are people that I care about and love. I feel enough like a heel for ever getting into this situation. I'd feel even worse if opening my mouth to alleviate my own guilt and repair MY marriage ended up destroying the lives of other people I love.

 

And yeah, I know it's a little late to be worrying about this stuff. But every action has consequences, and I'm trying to consider the consequences of my actions from this point forward.

Posted
If you didn't have sex with him you are creating problems for everyone. Talk to a preist, talk to a bartender, but why throw a bomb in the middle of everyones lives. Perhaps you are a christian that belongs to aone of the guild driven religions. Whatever you do think for yourself at the end of the day. 10 years from now it will be a faded memory. Good luck. And check out the posts of some those that posted here, they are all about confessions, whether they are warranted or not. Good luck to you.

 

So the only betrayal worth confessing is sex with someone else???

 

The OP has valid reasons to want to "clear the air" here. A PA isn't the only form of infidelity...and she's clearly been unfaithful to her husband to a degree that needs to be dealt with in her marriage.

×
×
  • Create New...